Making Friends/More?

[CenTex22]

Hi,

I'm pretty new here, but I've gained from the many threads that I've read that y'all are pretty good at giving advice in a variety of situations.

I have a somewhat complex question but I'd appreciate any input that y'all could offer. Here goes:

I'm a 22 year old gay male in Central Texas (Temple, Texas, to be exact). I recently graduated from a small baptist college with my bachelors degree and now live with my family since I was laid off from my full-time web development job that I had for a year (I refused to sign our new contracts). I have maybe 3 friends to speak of and I only ever see/hang out with 1 of them (straight guy named Ryan). The only people who know that I am gay are my 3 friends and some other people that I never have to see again after college so I figured I'd tell them.

Here is my issue: I'm lonely. I've never been good at making real friends even though I'm a fairly nice guy. People tend to like me, but, 99% of the time, I just can't make myself like them as anything more than acquaintances. I've only ever been able to make friends via the frameworks of schoo or work. I feel like I have to be forced into close contact with people in order to find friends. It might be because I have really low self esteem and so subconsciously, I don't expect or want people to like me or something.

I don't really go for the superficial "friendships" that some people like. If someone is my friend, I want to connect with them on a deep level. Most of the time, when I find a guy who I can be friends with, I feel like I push it forward so that we become like insta-bestfriends and only hang out with each other (even if they have other friends). I kind of worry that this means that I'm not really being friends with guys but that I just try to mentally shape them into boyfriends or something (2 times I've become such good friends with guys that we were almost in defacto relationships, except with no explicit gay content).

I want to make friends and I want to be able to connect on a deep level. I want to make friends that I can keep for more than a year. I want to make friends who like me as much as I like them.

So, am I looking for a boyfriend and just calling it a "friend"? If so, why can't I just have male friends without shaping them into pseudo-relationships?

How do I go about finding friends? I've thought about joining the army since it is another "framework" that forces people into situations where friendships form. It seems like a drastic thing to do just to find friends, though.

Basically: what do I do? I'm so confused and I'm not social-smart so I'm completely lost here but I know that the thought of a living my entire life all by myself is terrifying - and, right now, it is looking like that is how things are going.

I've attached a picture of myself because I think that, to an extent, you can "read a book by its cover" and hopefully it will help you to understand me better.

Thanks for any input and sorry if this is confusing to y'all - trust me, it is no less confusing to me.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

My first bit of advice would be to rethink your stance on friendships. Really deep friendships - the kind where you can share everything - are fantastic, no doubt about it. And, in comparison, more casual friendships can seem "inferior". But they do serve a purpose. Because we human are social creatures. We crave social interaction, and casual friendships allow us to get that interaction. A "deep friend" is like a filet mignon, and a casual friend is like a burger. Yes, the "deep friend" is superior, but there ain't nothing wrong with a burger.

So I'd suggest that you kind of keep that in mind. Because you're not going to be able to be "deep friends" with most people. Not because you're a bad person, but because people just need to click the right way before they can be deep friends. So if you meet a guy, chat with him a bit, get to know him, and realize that being deep friends isn't in the cards, don't cast him aside as being "unsuitable". Keep him as a friend. Maybe you can only talk about TV or sports or what have you. So be it. It's social interaction, and it's all good.

And yeah, I'd argue against joining the army just to meet people. That's like joining the army because you need a haircut. Yeah, you might get it, but there's easier ways to go about it.

First, you've got a computer and an internet connection. Use it. Do some google searches. Look for "gay Texas Temple group" or another (larger) town that might be nearby. Also, look into volunteering. Pick a cause that you feel strongly about. Helping people get a GED? Teaching basic computer skills to the disadvantaged? Helping out at an animal shelter? Doing this even once a week can help boost your self-esteem, plus it gets you out of the house and in front of more people.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

You have the misfortune of living in one of the more conservative but two-faced parts of Texas. On one hand, there's a bunch of rabid Baptists about 30 miles north of you. On the other hand, there's a fine collection pawn shops and massage parlors to the south of you.

What you're describing as a friend is very typical of introverts- longterm, close friendships. Lex is correct- the healthy thing is to have a mix of casual and close friendships.

But at the core of this is the fact that you're an unemployed, gay techie living with your parents in a backwards rural town. There's a lot of things in that sentence that you can change and probably the key to your dilemma is changing your situation.

 

[CenTex22]

...

Thanks for the input. I agree in theory about regular friends being fine to have too, but, in practice, I get tired of them "riding the fence" as I see it and so I just push them out of my life. I will try to not do that, though, and just deal with their camaraderie at whatever level I can get it.

The army thing does seem extreme, but it is pretty much a surefire way to make good friends and I think that was the draw of it. Plus, I live right next to Fort Hood (America's largest military base, I think) and so I see nothing but GIs paling around and looking happy all the time. I'm sure part of it is also the fact that I'm gay and army guys are freaking hot lol.

I do like your volunteer suggestion and I will try to find something to help me give back to the community and interact with people at the same time.

...

Thanks for the input. I think that your assessment is pretty fair. I do have more of an intimacy with my friends than I've had with any of my (few) sexual partners. Ideally, relationships would progress like this: friends > romantic interest > dating > sexual partner. However, it hasn't worked out that way yet. I think that a big part of that is the lack of gay guys in the area. If I want to find a gay guy, I pretty much can only locate them via services like craigslist. That pretty much predisposes our relationships to hookup status. The only time I ever had a friendship even start to turn into a relationship, the guy gay panicked and dropped out of our small baptist university. Ouch lol.

...

Yeah, I'm definitely in a schizophrenic area. It's the only area I've ever really lived in, though, and so I don't know how different other cities are. I know that I seem introverted but I sure wish I was extroverted lol. Where would you suggest I move to since I'm fairly free at the moment?

...

I tried antidepressants and even secretly did talk therapy with a school counselor for a number of months, but the medicine had too many side effects (anorgasmia anyone?) and so I stopped them. Besides, I kind of felt like it was just covering up the symptoms of my low self esteem and not really helping to solve them. I didn't want to be on medicine for the rest of my life just to feel happier. It seemed very artificial.

Thanks for y'alls input!

 

[josher]

Have you considered relocating to someplace like Austin?

It's a very liberal city for Texas, which also has a small town feel to it and has an active gay community.

Your psychological issues might be deep rooted and require therapy and/or medication, but they could also be a result of your background and/or living situation. Moving to a more "liberating" area might help you discover a whole new you.

I do agree that you need to see friendship in a more varied way. I've lots of friends I enjoy hanging around with because we share common interests, but there are only a select few I could be emotionally intimate with. I don't share my innermost feelings with someone, just because we enjoy the same movies, philosophy or political opinions.

 

[CenTex22]

You are cute and a red head to boot, who can resist you? I'd zero in on you if I was the other Guy. Lex and the others are right on the mark, hear them out.

Haha thanks. Now if I could just get guys in real life to react that way, I'd be set.

Have you considered relocating to someplace like Austin?

It's a very liberal city for Texas, which also has a small town feel to it and has an active gay community.

Your psychological issues might be deep rooted and require therapy and/or medication, but they could also be a result of your background and/or living situation. Moving to a more "liberating" area might help you discover a whole new you.

I do agree that you need to see friendship in a more varied way. I've lots of friends I enjoy hanging around with because we share common interests, but there are only a select few I could be emotionally intimate with. I don't share my innermost feelings with someone, just because we enjoy the same movies, philosophy or political opinions.

Yeah, I've thought about Austin before. The only issue is that I am real "small town" and kinda redneck. Bigger cities make me uncomfortable and kinda overwhelm me. Austin's gay community, that I know of, seems pretty bar and club oriented too and that is definitely not my scene. I do think that moving would be an excellent start, though. I need to find a good job somewhere first too. Anyone on here want to hire a frontend/backend PHP and .NET web developer with 5 years experience? lol

 

[spencer]

two words

fag hag

get a friend that is a girl.



you probably do what I do, you look for validation in men. you just hadn't got the point where you come out to them and they shoot you down and you remain good friends. then everything is out in the open, you have zero chance and you're able to see past the "relationship" that you've created in your head.


As for your career, just work IT jobs

 

[Scimitar]

The moving idea may be a good thing. However, it is pretty hard to just pick up and leave, but Texas has a bunch of big cities were you can find an area that you feel comfortable. Example, Houston, you can find one of the many suburbs near it that can possibly give you that small town feeling. Every now and then stepping out of one's comfort zone is not necessarily a bad thing. Thus, although you may not like the idea of being in a big city because your uncomfortable, you likely will never be comfortable until you live in a big city for a while. This can be said for your feelings about interaction also. In order to battle your problem with eliminating "shallow" relationships, you have to make a concerted effort to force yourself to maintain these relationships. Sometimes the deepest relationships start as nothing but shallow relationships, other times its an instant lock, but more times than not time builds bonds. Good luck in your efforts.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yeah, I've thought about Austin before. The only issue is that I am real "small town" and kinda redneck. Bigger cities make me uncomfortable and kinda overwhelm me. Austin's gay community, that I know of, seems pretty bar and club oriented too and that is definitely not my scene. I do think that moving would be an excellent start, though. I need to find a good job somewhere first too. Anyone on here want to hire a frontend/backend PHP and .NET web developer with 5 years experience? lol

Austin has two different gay communities. The universities bring in a bunch of younger guys who are more into the party/club scene. The permanent residents are more oriented toward groups of friends and don't go out to the clubs as often- especially since so many of them have moved downtown. There's also things like guerilla queer bar where they take over straight bars for a night.

It's definitely not a big city feel like Houston or Dallas. And you can always live in one of the 'burbs around the city.

The first step is getting a job, though...

 

[josher]

Yeah, I've thought about Austin before. The only issue is that I am real "small town" and kinda redneck. Bigger cities make me uncomfortable and kinda overwhelm me. Austin's gay community, that I know of, seems pretty bar and club oriented too and that is definitely not my scene. I do think that moving would be an excellent start, though. I need to find a good job somewhere first too. Anyone on here want to hire a frontend/backend PHP and .NET web developer with 5 years experience? lol

I think you need to either expand your social comfort zone, or else resign yourself to living life as you are currently.

People can always come up with multiple reasons to resist change, but then they lose the right to complain about the way their life is going.

Clearly you have to make the choices that are right for you, but don't start throwing up roadblocks until you've seriously thought things through.

 

[rareboy]

Hey Centex.

Reading your last post, I have to say there is probably hope for you.

The move will be a good first step.

Then make as many friends, straight and gay as you can. the larger your network, the more chance of success in meeting the guy of your dreams.

Don't be afraid to take a risk out there.

I met the loves of my life through dining out alone. And I've been with the same guy 27 years or so now.

I have to say that you need to learn to accept people for what they are, not what you want them to be. Relax. Enjoy some friends for social activities, some for sharing secrets and some just for good, hot, mindblowing sex.

What I see in your pic?

You'll do fine.

But don't scowl at the camera. You're much better looking when you smile.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I agree in theory about regular friends being fine to have too, but, in practice, I get tired of them "riding the fence" as I see it and so I just push them out of my life.

The thing is - there's a limited number of people you can be deep friends with. If you picked some random person off the street, and even if both of you wanted to, chances are you couldn't do it. Because becoming friends isn't just a will-to-power thing. You do have to click. You do have to have common interests and complementary personalities. If you fail to become "deep friends" with somebody, this doesn't point to a failing on his (or your) part. With some people, all you CAN be is casual friends. And rather than try to force the relationship into BFF territory (and probably causing a lot of friction and uneasy feelings), it's best to simply accept it for what it is. In addition to my deep friends, I have people I chit-chat with, some about everything, others about almost nothing but one topic - music, food, the Mammoth. And that doesn't mean they're failing me. It just means that's about as far as we're gonna take it. So I chat with Jack about the Mammoth, but save the deep stuff for me deeper friends. And, presumably, Jack does the same.

Lex

 

[GL]

if you have the opportunity to move to austin i would do it in a heartbeat. temple isn't known for its liberal stretch you know? austin is a different animal from other texas cities. its big but not too big. its the state capital but it doesn't take itself too seriously.

i know you're concerned about your employment situation but i think you'll find more opportunities there than in temple. and don't be too quick to dismiss the club scene. if you accept it for just getting out and having a little fun then you're all right. besides as karabulut said earlier, there is another more diverse community. i think if you give yourself a chance you'll make many new friends there. best of luck to you!