Making my bf relax

[FdTheDreamer]

Okay, so it's a kind of a long story but I guess, I need some advice.
Firstly, I should say that in my country it's quite difficult for gay people to get qualified psycological or medical help.
So my bf is about 5 years younger than me but he has a really childish look. I mean all his clothing and behaviour and also his physical appearence (about 5 ft height). However from the day we've met he emphasized he's a top. I like switching roles but it's quite kinky for me to be bottomed by such a small boy, you know During the first monthes of our relationship once I tried to make him let me to bottom him but he was unappealable.
In some time, when we became closer, he told me a lot of really scarry things from his early years. So I've found out that he was numerously raped at his 13-14 and that made me understand him much better.
Speaking about today, there're about 6 months we're together and about a month ago he decided to let me bottom him for the first time. However he told me he really wanted to make me happy in such a way, I guess he was tensing to much. I started with petting and everything went nice but then fingering was senseless. I just couldn't insirt a finger into him as he told that hurt to much. I guess his problem is more psycological and really want to show him all the pleasure anal sex can give.
So just need some kind of advice what to start with.

 

[FdTheDreamer]

I tried to make him let me to bottom him but he was unappealable.
he decided to let me bottom him for the first time.

I hope this makes sense, however English is a bit new for me, so here I meant not bottom but top.

 

[KaraBulut]

And it may be the language barrier but the title kind of hints at one of the big issues- the word "making". The issue is your boyfriend's issue and he has to work through it. You might be able to help (not make) but if he is unable to relax and be on the receiving end of getting fucked without discomfort, it's something he's going to have to work on.

Some suggestions:

1. Talk openly about the issue but not during sex. Talking about it during sex just adds to the pressure of the situation. Try talking about it when you're cuddling outside of the bedroom or after sex- just not in the heat of things when you're both more stressed about performing.
2. He needs to trust you and open up about the issue and you need to listen and not try to "fix" it. Guys have a tendency to want to fix problems when sometimes our partners just want to have someone listen to them.
3. If he wants to try to work on loosening up and getting to a point where he can be fucked without discomfort, then he should start with using a small butt plug when he's masturbating by himself. If he's able to reach a point where he can insert the buttplug during masturbation without tensing up, then- if you both decide you're ready- introduce the butt plug into your foreplay together.
4. If you're able to get to a point together where you can have anal play during foreplay with toys, then you can try to slowly progress to alternating a buttplug and your penis.
5. It might take some of the pressure off for a while if you both get out of the mindset that anal sex is the final endpoint in your sex together. Instead, just try anal during foreplay and then get each other off in other ways for a while. Sometimes when anal sex is the final act in lovemaking, it adds undue pressure to sex, especially for someone who has trouble relaxing and enjoying anal sex. If you can get to a point where he can associate anal with pleasure and not with "being forced" (because of some of his history) then it will take a great deal of the pressure off of you both.

 

[FdTheDreamer]

Thank you very much!
I understand that it's his issue to work through but as you've mentioned, I really want to help him, anytime he needs me.

We often talk after sex and that was when he started telling me the story of his life. So I guess we're on the right way.
#5 is really about me, even some of my previous partners used to tell me, I'm a bit mad about anal sex as a endpoint. That's really an issue for me to get out of.

It's a great pity for me that speaking about me being fucked he can associate anal with pleasure: he really knows that with him I've got everything I've ever needed in sex, but speaking about him he still associates it with "being forced", even through all these years. I feel like I can't thank him for everything he has already given me.

 

[KaraBulut]

...#5 is really about me, even some of my previous partners used to tell me, I'm a bit mad about anal sex as a endpoint. That's really an issue for me to get out of.

This is one of those places where porn has created a false order about sex- that it's supposed to be 1. kissing then 2. oral then 3. one-way anal (where only one person bottoms). It's one example of where gay porn copying straight porn hasn't done much for inspiring gay men to be creative.

For people who have trouble bottoming, this "order" does setup additional stress if they're unable to bottom for the duration until everybody comes.

There are other options for anal pleasure that don't require complete penetration. Start small, allow him to push his own limits and be patient. Ultimately, it's up to him to work through the trust issues and to let go of the baggage that he brought into the relationship.

 

[FdTheDreamer]

You're right. Even trying to be creative, I'm a bit focused at anal.
However I've never got a guy with genital piercing and then he was the man to impress me a lot. As a bottom I just don't want anything more special. But creativity is a "must have", that's truth.

I'm very proud of him trusting me like this. During first 4-5 months of the relationship he has never tryed to talk about any past problems and then, you know, it was quite terrifying for me, the guy-got-everything-he-wants and having almost no sad stories till my 30, to find out that smb so close has such a baggage.
Thanks for all the suggestions! Hope, both of us will do our best to work through all this.