Married friend

[Lube]

Well, I don't think (yet) he's the terrible person other people have made him out to be.

The deciding point for me would be whether he gets a divorce or not. If he doesn't get a divorce, keep your distance! As others have said, he will use her as his beard, and that's an awful life for all 3 of you.

However, if he does move out and file for divorce, I don't see what the problem is. You're not some hookup he met on the Internet. You guys have a long history together. He genuinely cares about you and is interested sexually.

Who cares if she hates you? You didn't convert him or anything. Sheesh.

OK, when I was in the closet I was a raging asshole. Why, I was pissed the fuck off, I was gay, I knew it, and I didn't want to be gay. I was pissed of at the world because I didn't think it was fair that I got no say in the matter.

The fact that I was in a closet I didn't choose, didn't make me a nice person in an unfortunate situation, it just meant that I was a raging asshole in the closet. There is no excuse for the damage I did while being a raging asshole in the closet. It's why I don't have any respect for gay men who take other people down with them. I don't respect the person I was when in that situation. I knew I was wrong, I didn't care.

We as gay men tend to have a default sympathy for the gay guy; and that's a good thing if he's being fired or bashed, but it isn't a good thing when it leads us to ignore serious behavioral problems on the part of the gay guy.

At this point in this guy's life what he's doing is incredibly destructive to all involved - even himself, it needs to be described in the starkest terms. He's a user who's going to crush this woman. Sooner or later, in one way or another. There isn't even any way to avoid it, all you can do is wait for the crash, and this isn't going to be getting drunk and picking fights - he's going to crush her in a way that's incredibly cruel. All of her hopes and dreams, her happily ever after, her domestic security, will be exposed as empty lies he's told her. Before we start justifying and minimizing what he's doing, let's ask what we think that's gonna do to her?

This guy followed another guy home and made a move with the intention of committing adultery; after telling said guy that he doesn't love his wife, that he only married her as a beard. I'm sure that felt very cathartic for him, but what position did it put the OP in, what does that mean for his wife?

People can change, if they want to, and it's certainly possible that somewhere down the line he'll be a different guy, but he's going to have to clean this mess up first. The only way he's ever going to change is if he comes to terms with himself, and deals with the damage he's done. Until then he will not be a nice person in an unfortunate situation. Nice people care about what they do to others.

If the OP thinks he can help without getting entangled, more power to him, but ultimately this guy made the decisions that created this mess, and he's going to have to make the decision to get himself out.

I think we're pretty much saying the same thing.

 

[Lube]

Risemix - I kind of have a different perspective on this. I was married too - so I can tell you from experience that he should leave his wife as soon as possible for HER sake. Let her go out and find another man, don't drag her along, because I can tell you from the description you gave, his marriage is not going to make it because of the lack of love AND/OR the gay thing - take your pick.

As far as you getting involved, I don't think it's such a bad thing. Your odds of having a really successful relationship are diminished because you have a LOT to deal with. But I can also tell you - from experience - coming out with a friend/lover/confidant was the only way for me. By having my boyfriend there, who's been with me for 12 years, was the security I needed to tell my parents. I did tell my wife before I met my bf, but I had another relationship with a man that made me realize that I would eventually fall for another man. I told my parents a couple of years after being with my bf and it was a very good experience, because IF they rejected me, I knew I had someone who loved me no matter what. Also, my desire to tell my parents became overwhelming because I wanted them to know my bf.

If he has the family problems, he's not going to come screaming out of the closet - he is already fearful of his family - the only people he knows that love him no matter what. YOU may be the other person he needs or wants to make this leap. It's very complicated and if you start down this path with him, just know there are a ton of issues but if he leaves his wife (he doesn't have to tell her why) and then starts something with you, I don't think that's "home wrecking". Tell him you will be there for him, but before you guys start up something, make it clear he needs to end that relationship somehow.

After you guys get a solid foundation together, then perhaps coming out can be an option for him.

I guess I am just not a militant fag - I am not confrontational and it's been a fairly pleasant experience for me.

If you have feelings for him and he has feelings for you - carpe diem - because true love doesn't happen too many times in your life - you shouldn't feel like there's some moral superiority - just love your friend and help him through this - if it evolves into a HEALTHY relationship then embrace it!

Good luck.

I agree with Jeff.

I, too, was married, and I kept my cock in my pants the whole time--I was monogamous with my wife. When I realized/admitted I was gay, I got a divorce. There are guys like me.

Now, granted, this guy tried to have sex with the OP. And, yes, that is different from what I did.

But I do think that the OP's friend may come out and get a divorce. That's why I said, it all depends. I guess I'm not quite so instantly negative as other guys. But, then, I haven't been on the other side of the equation, and maybe they have. That must be hard.

 

[risemix]

He didn't necessarily have sex with me. He just gave me a hug... heh.

Anyway, I decided I'm moving to New York City in a few weeks to change my life and do something different. My friend is still in his home town with his wife, and I'm not sticking around for him. So I guess that kind of wraps this up, doesn't it?

 

[Lube]

Big change. Good luck. Hope you have lots of money for NY.