Maybe you can give me some deeper advice and opinions on my dillema(s)?

[PlatinumX098]

Hi JUB members,

This is my first post on JUB and my first post actually on any gay related web forum. Anyway, let me cut to the chase. I'm going to be 23 years old in a few weeks, and I still have not come out to anyone in my family as of now. The reasons I have not come out to them pertain to them being very conservative and religious. My parents and grandparents are into conservative Republican leaders like John Hagee, James Dobson, Rush Limbaugh, and Pat Robertson, so if you're aware of just who these individuals are you can see just where I am coming from. In other words, my family has only contempt and disdain for gays.

And of course this is upsetting to me being that I have known I am gay since I was only 10 years old. I know I am only physically attracted to people of my own gender and exclusively have crushes on other guys, not girls. I cannot recall ever having any of those types of feelings for females. In fact, looking at girls to me feels about the same as looking at inanimate objects - I just do not feel anything at all.

However, I will not come out to my family because my parents are supporting me financially with college, nice cars (new Audis and Infinitis), and everything I currently need and want. I am quite sure if I let them know I am gay, they would cut me off leaving me in a much more pressing situation than I already am in now. In fact, not only am I gay, but I am a closet atheist as well. I've spent considerable time studying the Bible, and I no longer believe in the authenticity or truth of the so called 'word of God.' It would be a double trouble to come out as not only gay, but as an atheist also.

In fact, I am worried my parents already are starting to suspect that all is not right with me with my sexuality because I'm almost 23, and I've never had a girlfriend or showed any interest in girls or women to them. However, they may think their conservative upbringing has made me loathe to discuss romantic or sexual matters with them to begin with. In my family, sexual matters are strictly personal and rarely ever discussed.

I am quite worried and concerned about losing the support of my parents and family because if I lost their support I feel that I would be in more trouble than most of the peers of my age because I have no friends what-so-ever. I am not trying to appeal for your pity, but I am just being honest with myself.

Growing up I have had a terrible time making friends due to suffering from a severe affliction of social anxiety, negative self-esteem, and depression. I can actually say I went through middle school, high school, and college with zero friends. Everytime I would be in a group of peers in middle and high school, they would eventually all end up talking to only each other and shun and avoid me after a while. Maybe it's the result of giving off bad vibes or a lack of confidence, as I'm not really sure yet. I just don't know, but for some reason I can bring out the worst in people. Throughout college, I have avoided people, and this is easy to due because it's such a large and impersonal place. I finally was recently put on the anti-depressant Zoloft, which has helped ease some of the psychological anger and depression. But I just got back from a study abroad program in the U.K., and even on Zoloft with my confidence increased, by the end of the month long program all of the other students avoided me and showed a dislike toward anything I would say to them. I attempted to socialize with them, and it did not go so well. Thus, I did not make any friends on my study abroad trip either while everyone else in the program seemed to have effortlessly compared to me.

In fact, the drawbacks of the anti-depressant Zoloft has been a numbing of my emotions and alot of apathy. Last semester in college I failed all of my courses because I stopped caring about my coursework and attending classes. I am sure it's a result of the Zoloft because I did not feel this way until I started taking it. I just stayed in my apartment room all day reading internet articles and watching movies and avoiding everyone. I don't want to quit taking Zoloft though because then I will have anxiety attacks, depression, and anger issues again. I like the emotional numbness that comes with Zoloft more than the anxiety and depression I used to have. Zoloft has also gotten rid of the crushes I used to have on other guys I would catch a glimpse of and my sexual feelings.

Yes, I know I have gone off track with my post into other issues other than coming out as gay, but I just feel like I had to include these issues because I believe they tie in with coming out in my case.

So I would appreciate if anyone could offer me any deeper insights into my dillemmas or issues. Has any of you been through some of these issues related to being gay or know of anyone else who has? Let me know if you have any useful advice for me.

Thank you for your help JUB.

 

[hotb0d]

I can relate to you being gay but can't say the same with your depression. First of all....when will you be graduating? The situation that you are in, there's not much freedom. The only solution I can think of is to focus everything into your studying and just ignore the rest. In all honesty, friends are fun to have but you won't die because you don't have friends (I don't think, I'm hoping you're not one of those super super depressive personality). Don't tell your parents just yet, hang in there with your education. Once you graduate, try to find a job and go live your life. You have a rough road ahead of you and you MUST persevere if you want to last.

As to your depression, it's time for some self love. I know it's easier said than done but you have to find a way to do it. You're probably having an anguish feeling of loneliness, that you have no friends and an impending doom that your family will disown you if they know you're gay. It's definitely hard on a person psyche but you always have to remember that you still have yourself. Pick yourself off of that depression mode and look toward the future, the light (it may sounds corny but it's true). Once you find a love for yourself, focus on your education, get a stable job, everything else will fall into place. Just take one step at a time. You will have to lie through your teeth in front of your parents but you gotta do what you gotta do...

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB! Two main issues going on, and they're kinda intertwined, but I'll deal with them separately.

I'm all in favor of keeping your sexuality hidden from homophobic parents, especially when you're financially dependent on them. But there comes a time when you're going to have to choose between the teat and your freedom. After a certain point, their open pockets become more of a hindrance than a help. What good is an Audi if you can't drive it where you want (to the gay bar)? The fact that you were in a "study abroad' program indicates you're still in school, but you don't say what you're studying, or to what end. Do you have a specific education goal in mind? Or are you in school because it's something to do, and it "beats working"?

As far as your social life (or lack thereof) goes, again, I think a bit more info would be needed. The fact that you use terms like "social anxiety" indicate a clinical diagnosis, as does the fact that you've taken Zoloft. But was that the extent of it? You saw a doctor, got a diagnosis and a prescription, and were told "best of luck with that"? I'm not an psychiatrist by any stretch, but just on reading your post, I thought "OK, looks like he's got some possible chemical issues, but I'm guessing there's some social problems as well." It's quite unusual for someone to spend ten-plus years with "zero friends". I know people who didn't have many friends, or didn't have close friends, but the fact that you don't have any, and don't know why, seems problematic. Has anyone talked to you about this specifically? Talked about social skills, meeting people, how friendships work, where things go wrong, stuff like that? Because if not, that'd definitely be my first suggestion. Find a psychiatrist, make an appointment, and basically tell him/her what you told us above. "I haven't had a friend at all in over ten years. When I enter a new social situation, people end up drawing away from me." Find out what's causing them to draw away, and find out how to prevent that from happening.

Do fill us in. Perhaps we can get you to a better spot.

Lex

 

[spencer]

As far as your medication is concerned, there are many out there and it's up to you and your doctor to find the right drug for you. I'm on paxil and my drive is as strong as ever. (not the case for everyone on it) but yeah, talk to your doctor. You should also probably be in talk therapy along with your medication. It should help a lot with everything.

 

[me12121]

Wow, I completely relate to this. I’m 21 years old, I also have the religious parents who I am dependent on and I didn’t have a single friend through middle school, high school and university so far. I do have one friend now, who I met on a social anxiety website, and he’s pretty much the only person who knows I’m gay and knows about most of my issues. It kind of sucks being dependent on one person to hang out with though and I would like to have more friends. I really like this advice and it’s something I’ve heard from others I’ve talked to online as well:

Find a psychiatrist, make an appointment, and basically tell him/her what you told us above. "I haven't had a friend at all in over ten years. When I enter a new social situation, people end up drawing away from me."

That’s something I’ve been avoiding doing for 3 years now and since I’m going into my last year of university, I really need to force myself to do something this year. I guess I don’t really have any advice, I just know exactly how you feel.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just of all- welcome to JUB and congrats on your first post.

However, I will not come out to my family because my parents are supporting me financially with college, nice cars (new Audis and Infinitis), and everything I currently need and want. I am quite sure if I let them know I am gay, they would cut me off leaving me in a much more pressing situation than I already am in now. In fact, not only am I gay, but I am a closet atheist as well. I've spent considerable time studying the Bible, and I no longer believe in the authenticity or truth of the so called 'word of God.' It would be a double trouble to come out as not only gay, but as an atheist also.

After the first few paragraphs, I was going to ask you why you wanted to come out.

However, one of the rules that we generally give people about coming out is that you should not come out if it would endanger your physical or financial security.

It's particuarly important if you are dependent upon your parents for your university education. Education is your ticket to freedom and you should complete that process and get out on your own with some degree of financial security if you suspect your parents will cut you off financially while you are still in university.

Growing up I have had a terrible time making friends due to suffering from a severe affliction of social anxiety, negative self-esteem, and depression. ... I finally was recently put on the anti-depressant Zoloft, which has helped ease some of the psychological anger and depression. But I just got back from a study abroad program in the U.K., and even on Zoloft with my confidence increased, by the end of the month long program all of the other students avoided me and showed a dislike toward anything I would say to them. I attempted to socialize with them, and it did not go so well...

In fact, the drawbacks of the anti-depressant Zoloft has been a numbing of my emotions and alot of apathy. Last semester in college I failed all of my courses because I stopped caring about my coursework and attending classes...
Yes, I know I have gone off track with my post into other issues other than coming out as gay, but I just feel like I had to include these issues because I believe they tie in with coming out in my case.

Did a psychiatrist put you on Zoloft or was it your family doctor?

Zoloft is in a class of drugs called SSRIs. These are antidepressant medications as you noted but each of the drugs in this class have slightly different side effects and the side effects may be dose-related. Go back to your doctor and tell him that you're having these side-effects. You may need to try a different medication or they may need to reduce your dose.

An anti-depressant isn't going to fix the issues that you've described. An anti-depressant is supposed to relieve the anergy, apathy and self-destructive behavior that often accompanies depression so that you can focus on your life and focus upon dealing with your issues.

From the description that you've given. you have two issues at the moment:

1. Inability to form normal social relationships
2. Lack of insight into your behavior and how to change it

You may benefit from both individual and group therapy to accompany the antidepressants that you're taking. Group therapy in particular will offer you feedback on your behaviors and how people perceive you.

Good luck to you. You have a lot on your plate but there is no reason that you cannot work through these issues. There are many on this forum who have been in similar circumstances and have gotten through it to become a better person.

 

[Lube]

Hi, and welcome to JUB!

I can't speak to your clinical depression because--to the best of my knowledge--I've never experienced it, and I've never been on any kind of medication like that. KaraBulut has some really great ideas on that.

In terms of the rest of your post, well, you need to start acting like a responsible adult. Frankly, you sound like a spoiled brat who's never had to do anything for himself. Maybe that's why you have esteem issues.

Get out there an be responsible for yourself. Have you ever had a job, even a part-time one? Does your school work allow for an internship of any kind where you can get experience and be responsible for part of a project? Can you volunteer somewhere and show that you can show up consistently, on time, and do a job?

Show the world that you are capable of doing a job well, and you will feel much better about yourself.

If you continue down the path that you're on, you will end up absolutely miserable. Sure, you've got the Audis and Infinitis and the expense account and whatnot, but without anything to show for your own work/volunteerism, you will struggle with self-esteem issues. You will cower in the closet, afraid of upsetting your parents.

My family is Catholic, and while probably not quite as conservative as yours, I "came out" as an atheist in my teens. My family wasn't very happy about it, but I was adamant in my beliefs and didn't let them sway me. They still paid for college, but I would've worked my way through if they hadn't.

Not being true to yourself for some cash is not a great way to feel good about yourself.

Stand up for yourself and be proud of who you are.

Good luck.

 

[PlatinumX098]

I guess I should have mentioned this when I first posted this thread, but it's very difficult for me to obtain any kind of job right now because of my criminal record. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I got into trouble with the police and the Secret Service for losing my mind and threatening them in my Freshmen year of college. As I mentioned, I've had some serious anger issues. My parents prevented me from being incarcerated by talking to them and explaining my situation and proceeding to hire an attorney for me in federal court.

I actually manipulated my parents by lieing to them and telling them I am doing much better because I am going to church groups/organizations at my university and I have achieved a deeper relationship with God after going through all of this. I told my parents it was Satan who was causing me to do things like this, and God is testing me, etc. Of course, this is all lies. By telling them these stories I have continued to receive more support from them and my grandparents as well. I think it's actually quite funny.

I hate to say this about myself, but I actually enjoy lieing and manipulating people like my family to benefit myself. I actually think it's kind of fun to make fools out of people. In all honesty, I don't care much about anyone, but I pretend to because it's expected of me in society. I fake my emotions such as shame and remorse. I know what shame and remorse means in an intellectual sence, but I do not think I've ever felt these feelings myself. I also do not think I've ever felt any compassion for people or animals, but I know what compassion means, again in only an intellectual sense. In the past, I used to sort of bully and torment animals because it made me feel powerful. However, I do not harm animals anymore because I don't want to get in trouble for it you see. I apologize if this is confusing, but I don't know how to explain myself any other way.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, given all this, I guess I'm not surprised by the first post anymore. It explains why any potential friends have decided to steer clear, and it explains why you've been alone for so long. I'd say there are two main options now.

1. Enter therapy, and work on creating some social skills.
2. Continue living off your parents, and use their money to satiate any need for social or sexual interaction.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

OK Number one is you have to stop lying to everyone. Maybe you try to manipulate other people because you have no control over your own damn life. I knew a guy who was like this in college, he basically lied to his parents all the dam time, about everything, and it bled over into him lying to everyone else as well, even about stupid things. We decided that the reason he lied to his family so much was because he was massively pissed off at them for all the reasons you mentioned, religious background, socially conservative family who remain complete ‘phobes probably, and raised him to hate himself, told him all fags go straight to hell, and left him with this massive guilt and self doubt, and utter contempt for himself and for the lot of them, which is why I brought this up.

Get some therapy. I don’t know anything about drugs so I’ll leave that.

My family is/was Southern Baptist from Texas who also supported me through two degrees. They’re also conservative, but they’re not Republicans or rabid ‘phobes, but still, I didn’t tell them about myself until I was out of school with my own money. Don’t compromise your security until you can stand on your own.

Which brings us to, do you want to stand on your own or do you prefer to let them support you? If you want independence badly enough, I suspect that there’s a way to get it.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, given all this, I guess I'm not surprised by the first post anymore. It explains why any potential friends have decided to steer clear, and it explains why you've been alone for so long.
1. Enter therapy, and work on creating some social skills.

Bingo, green one.


PlatinumX098: While we're happy to offer you support and encouragement, you have some issues that are bigger than what can be addressed via a forum.

Given what you've described, a lot of your issues are best treated by a professional. And hopefully, you are in therapy?

 

[TX-Beau]

And not the religious kind. Your school should have some kind of service, go find it.