It looks like beneath it all you have a friend who is willing to help you through things. Hundreds of thousands, millions, have gone through what you are going through. Be honest with him, value his friendship, face up to who you are and live your life not someone else's.
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Messed up. Need help.
- Thread starter joeG23
- Start date
Well your friend says you need to mature, but I feel he does to. People fuck up and say and do stupid things sometimes, but he is telling you he doesn't understand??
No your part, you should have said something to him about being gay or bi. If he or anyone else is a 'best friend', they will understand and stand with you!
I know you want to resolve this, but this is up to him now and not you. Since you only have a few friends, now is the time to go out and look for others, don't you think?
No your part, you should have said something to him about being gay or bi. If he or anyone else is a 'best friend', they will understand and stand with you!
I know you want to resolve this, but this is up to him now and not you. Since you only have a few friends, now is the time to go out and look for others, don't you think?
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Welcome to JUB! 
I'm going to have to sort of assume there's nothing in the backstory to contradict what I'm going to say, so I'll lay it on you to correct me anywhere where I might have gotten it wrong.
I disagree with WYS. I think you do have a good friend here. One who has tried, in his own way, to let you know "Look, you're gay (or bi). That's fine." But you've tried hiding it, you've denied it, and even when presented with point-blank evidence and an accusation, you brushed it off with something along the lines of "well, I'm not really anything". This isn't a brain buster. If you're attracted to guys, you're gay. (Or, if you're attracted to both, you're bi.) That's it. It doesn't matter if you like Broadway musicals, or ogling big muscular guys, or talk with a "gay accent", or fantasize about getting fucked in the ass. If you're attracted to guys, you're gay.
Yeah, he's being pushy. But it sounds like maybe you need pushing. You say "I've been just fine for this many years", but gargoyle calling bullshit on that one. Living in the closet, not dating anybody, and not coming to grips with your sexuality isn't "just fine". You're supposed to come to grips with what you want sexually, then go out, meet some people, date, get laid, and start a relationship. Not put it on perpetual hold. So I'd say take this situation, and turn it into a positive. Start dealing with your sexuality. Not as something to be shunted aside, but as something to be discovered and embraced. We can help you with that.
As for your friend, don't write him off. Send him an e-mail. Be brutally honest with him, and with yourself. I'd say something along the lines of this. "You asked if I'm gay or bi. And honestly, I don't know. I might be. My sexuality is something I've intentionally not dealt with on any level for many years. And this situation, and your messages to me, have sort of dragged me into a place I really never wanted to go. But maybe it's time I did deal with it."
Lex
I'm going to have to sort of assume there's nothing in the backstory to contradict what I'm going to say, so I'll lay it on you to correct me anywhere where I might have gotten it wrong.I disagree with WYS. I think you do have a good friend here. One who has tried, in his own way, to let you know "Look, you're gay (or bi). That's fine." But you've tried hiding it, you've denied it, and even when presented with point-blank evidence and an accusation, you brushed it off with something along the lines of "well, I'm not really anything". This isn't a brain buster. If you're attracted to guys, you're gay. (Or, if you're attracted to both, you're bi.) That's it. It doesn't matter if you like Broadway musicals, or ogling big muscular guys, or talk with a "gay accent", or fantasize about getting fucked in the ass. If you're attracted to guys, you're gay.
Yeah, he's being pushy. But it sounds like maybe you need pushing. You say "I've been just fine for this many years", but gargoyle calling bullshit on that one. Living in the closet, not dating anybody, and not coming to grips with your sexuality isn't "just fine". You're supposed to come to grips with what you want sexually, then go out, meet some people, date, get laid, and start a relationship. Not put it on perpetual hold. So I'd say take this situation, and turn it into a positive. Start dealing with your sexuality. Not as something to be shunted aside, but as something to be discovered and embraced. We can help you with that.
As for your friend, don't write him off. Send him an e-mail. Be brutally honest with him, and with yourself. I'd say something along the lines of this. "You asked if I'm gay or bi. And honestly, I don't know. I might be. My sexuality is something I've intentionally not dealt with on any level for many years. And this situation, and your messages to me, have sort of dragged me into a place I really never wanted to go. But maybe it's time I did deal with it."
Lex
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You need to make up your mind whether you want to salvage this friendship.
If you do, then invite him for a face-to-face talk. None of this texting, emailing, impersonal bullshit. Be honest with him. Come clean about everything. Tell him that you trust him enough to be honest and that you want to salvage the friendship.
If you don't want to salvage the friendship, then don't waste anymore time on this.
It also sounds like your friend needs to grow up a bit, too. Forgiveness is part of being friends. If most of us didn't forgive friends who got drunk and did something stupid, then we wouldn't have many friends.
If you do, then invite him for a face-to-face talk. None of this texting, emailing, impersonal bullshit. Be honest with him. Come clean about everything. Tell him that you trust him enough to be honest and that you want to salvage the friendship.
If you don't want to salvage the friendship, then don't waste anymore time on this.
It also sounds like your friend needs to grow up a bit, too. Forgiveness is part of being friends. If most of us didn't forgive friends who got drunk and did something stupid, then we wouldn't have many friends.
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This really sounds like a lot of work.
Perhaps it's just not worth it all. Maybe it's time that you added another group of friends that don't require all the drama and uncertain connections. Maybe a gay friend or two that can actually return your interest?
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You're right.
Jealousy is a loathsome, perhaps the most loathsome character flaw a human can have.
I think you have very immature relationships with your friends. It sounds like you are all still in highschool.
Maybe it is time you came out to yourself, came out to your friends and then start gathering some homo friends as well, instead of living all bottled up and dependent on the attention of some guy you're never going to have.
Jealousy is a loathsome, perhaps the most loathsome character flaw a human can have.
I think you have very immature relationships with your friends. It sounds like you are all still in highschool.
Maybe it is time you came out to yourself, came out to your friends and then start gathering some homo friends as well, instead of living all bottled up and dependent on the attention of some guy you're never going to have.
Lube
Temeritous hirsuteness
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Do you really think he's straight? Do you think a straight guy would hang out with a woman for 2 years as a friend before making a move on her? (Do you think straight guys have 2 women and a gay guy as their best friends?)
I think he has as many hang-ups as you do.
However, he has reached out to you several times (he said he wanted you to talk about it, after the first incident; then he came to you before the two weeks were up; now he's inviting you to his beach house). Maybe he wants you to come out first.
Or maybe he self-identifies as straight and, as others have suggested above, will drive you crazy until you yourself come out and widen your friend pool to include other gay men.
I think he has as many hang-ups as you do.
However, he has reached out to you several times (he said he wanted you to talk about it, after the first incident; then he came to you before the two weeks were up; now he's inviting you to his beach house). Maybe he wants you to come out first.
Or maybe he self-identifies as straight and, as others have suggested above, will drive you crazy until you yourself come out and widen your friend pool to include other gay men.
youngnihilist
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Ugh. The issue is always the girls are there. If they weren't there there wouldn't be any issues now would there?
That's why I'd never get in a circle with both genders. one or the other.
That's why I'd never get in a circle with both genders. one or the other.
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Either distance yourself from him, or confess your feelings.
Its just going to get worse as time goes on if you don't do one or the other.
I believe that if you confess your feelings, it won't surprise him.
Judging from the stuff in the past, it sounds like he'll accept it.
And a big load will be off your shoulders.
I have to agree with the above posts that find a new group of friends and find someone that can return the feelings you seek.
Its just going to get worse as time goes on if you don't do one or the other.
I believe that if you confess your feelings, it won't surprise him.
Judging from the stuff in the past, it sounds like he'll accept it.
And a big load will be off your shoulders.
I have to agree with the above posts that find a new group of friends and find someone that can return the feelings you seek.
I agree, there is a guy code but did he call dibs on her. no cause he figured you were gay. but in reality, you never really know what you are. when I kiss a girl while drunk I feel nothing and in fact I feel awkward. just because you kiss a girl, it doesn't mean he should force you to come out and ultimatum your friendship.
he should have been angry at you for breaking the guy code and confronted you about your feelings for her and not further disrespect you, put you down and reduce you to a fag.
he should have been angry at you for breaking the guy code and confronted you about your feelings for her and not further disrespect you, put you down and reduce you to a fag.
seven_sins
JUB Addict
You need to come out and you need to find a boyfriend.
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It is jealousy.
Get over it.
He's giving you a perfect opportunity to realize that you two are not and will not be joined at the hip.
As noted, come out as a homo and find yourself a real guy to love. Not some fantasy guy with anger management issues.
it is hard to meet someone else that is more available (you're still allowed to see your original friends) you just have to try or start trying to meet friends that are gay or even prospects. You're hooked on technology, us it to try to meet people. Take the first steps and it'll be easier to let go of your straight interest.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Is there a reason you don't want to come out? I mean, yeah, it can be a nerve-wracking experience, but it's so much fucking EASIER. There's no lying, no wondering if people know, no trying to keep the stories straight, no "let's change the subject", no pronoun games. When this girl says "I now have a gay friend", you could say "Well, you have two, if I count." She squeals, gives you a hug, and life goes on, y'know?
Lex
Lex
Blueboy369
JUB Addict
LOL @ "The Little Spoon"! I love it. Your relationship with him will never progress into a full romantic one so just enjoy his friendship and company. You are very close friends and sometimes the lines get blurred. Flirt, play around and have fun, So what. Don't take it seriously. Oh and by the way, the more you workout and change your appearance, the more he will take notice.
TX-Beau
FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE!
Something to ponder, gay guys, especially young ones are very good at seeing the signals that they want to see. How do we know this? We’ve all been there. I’ve been in the exact situation you describe, woke up one night with a hot straight guy I was lusting after wrapped all around me. Did he turn out to be secretly gay? Hell no, he thought I was his girlfriend in his drowsy haze and then made me swear never to tell anyone, ever.
Straight until proven otherwise. Unless he tells you he’s interested, assume he’s not. Your life will be much happier and you’ll save yourself the tears and pointless angst and tired cliché that comes of playing the is he/isn’t he, obsessively analyze all his actions and every little word game.
If by some miracle he actually did turn out to be gay - which I find unlikely since he doesn't seem to have any hang ups about the gayness, he obviously isn't interested in discussing or pursuing it.
I know sometimes it’s hard to take hot straight guys who in a fair universe would be totally queer at their word - I feel for you, but sometimes I’m afraid you just have to suck it up and then go find some nice gay guy to suck upon.
Straight until proven otherwise. Unless he tells you he’s interested, assume he’s not. Your life will be much happier and you’ll save yourself the tears and pointless angst and tired cliché that comes of playing the is he/isn’t he, obsessively analyze all his actions and every little word game.
If by some miracle he actually did turn out to be gay - which I find unlikely since he doesn't seem to have any hang ups about the gayness, he obviously isn't interested in discussing or pursuing it.
I know sometimes it’s hard to take hot straight guys who in a fair universe would be totally queer at their word - I feel for you, but sometimes I’m afraid you just have to suck it up and then go find some nice gay guy to suck upon.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
You did the right thing. To wit, nothing. Way to go. 
Lex
Lex
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
Your story of you and your "straight" friend are precisely the sort of thing that fuels hot jerkoff sessions and erotic fiction. It's also exceptionally dangerous. From a physical standpoint, an emotional standpoint, and a friendship standpoint.
Your friend wanted to get you laid. And good for him. He saw (correctly) that you were basically only interested in him, and so decided to help you find somebody else so you could get over him. But nothing doing. It was gonna be your friend or nobody. And you had a plan to make him do it.
To sum up, you basically found where his limits were, and started pushing. You admitted you liked guys not because you felt it was liberating, but because it got you to parts two and three. You could enlist his help - he's helping! - to play with your cock and your ass, so you can "prove" you're gay. And then you (presumably deliberately) derailed the train so you wouldn't have to do step four. Since your real point in doing so wasn't to prove that YOU were gay, but to prove that HE was gay, so that then you could start having the hot man sex together.
Just one problem. He's "too fucking stubborn". He wouldn't let you play with his cock and ass. You finally found that spot he wouldn't go beyond...and it pissed you off. Some friend he is.
Look, he was being a friend. One who was willing to go above and beyond. And you decided you were going to take advantage.
Your complaints that he's gay and won't admit it remind me of a woman I knew way back who got arrested. A good friend of mine got a call from her. And even though he didn't know her all that well, he got up at 3am, drove fifty miles to the jail, and bailed her out. She was crying, thanking profusely, and saying she never realized what a great friend she had. And then, less than a month later, he got another late-night call from her. I don't recall if she was in jail again, or if she owed some guy a thousand bucks and he was going to destroy her car if she didn't pay. Something like that. And my friend politely told her to fuck off, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Let's just say this woman didn't think she had such a great friend anymore. In fact, she had some choice words for this so-called friend who wouldn't help out in her time of need.
But see, he WAS a friend. A really good one. He did go above and beyond, but at a certain point, he realized he wasn't doing her any favors anymore. So long as he kept bailing her out of trouble, she wouldn't find any reason to stop getting into trouble. Hey - this guy would always be there to slip her some hundreds when things got bad, so party on, right? My friend knew that at some point, he ceased being "a true friend" and started being "somebody I can take advantage of when I need to".
I don't see a friend here anymore. I see a potential target. Somebody you want to have sex with. And so long as you think that's what he is - somebody you will eventually convince to have full-on sex with you - this is going to remain an extremely uncomfortable relationship. You might argue that he IS a friend, and you DO care about him, but sorry - I don't believe you. So long as you feel jealousy when he mentions his girlfriends (and convince yourself that he's lying when he does so because he actually likes guys), and are interested in pushing him beyond his comfort zone, I don't think you can call yourself his friend. You're that guy who used him, and will continue to look for ways to use him. No wonder he keeps you at a distance.
And why should you come out? It would require you being honest with yourself and others. It would require you looking for another gay guy to have sex with, rather than this straight acquaintance (sorry - "closeted friend") you still have your sights on. Everything seems peachy where you are right now - why change?
Lex
Your friend wanted to get you laid. And good for him. He saw (correctly) that you were basically only interested in him, and so decided to help you find somebody else so you could get over him. But nothing doing. It was gonna be your friend or nobody. And you had a plan to make him do it.
To sum up, you basically found where his limits were, and started pushing. You admitted you liked guys not because you felt it was liberating, but because it got you to parts two and three. You could enlist his help - he's helping! - to play with your cock and your ass, so you can "prove" you're gay. And then you (presumably deliberately) derailed the train so you wouldn't have to do step four. Since your real point in doing so wasn't to prove that YOU were gay, but to prove that HE was gay, so that then you could start having the hot man sex together.
Just one problem. He's "too fucking stubborn". He wouldn't let you play with his cock and ass. You finally found that spot he wouldn't go beyond...and it pissed you off. Some friend he is.
Look, he was being a friend. One who was willing to go above and beyond. And you decided you were going to take advantage.
Your complaints that he's gay and won't admit it remind me of a woman I knew way back who got arrested. A good friend of mine got a call from her. And even though he didn't know her all that well, he got up at 3am, drove fifty miles to the jail, and bailed her out. She was crying, thanking profusely, and saying she never realized what a great friend she had. And then, less than a month later, he got another late-night call from her. I don't recall if she was in jail again, or if she owed some guy a thousand bucks and he was going to destroy her car if she didn't pay. Something like that. And my friend politely told her to fuck off, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Let's just say this woman didn't think she had such a great friend anymore. In fact, she had some choice words for this so-called friend who wouldn't help out in her time of need.
But see, he WAS a friend. A really good one. He did go above and beyond, but at a certain point, he realized he wasn't doing her any favors anymore. So long as he kept bailing her out of trouble, she wouldn't find any reason to stop getting into trouble. Hey - this guy would always be there to slip her some hundreds when things got bad, so party on, right? My friend knew that at some point, he ceased being "a true friend" and started being "somebody I can take advantage of when I need to".
I don't see a friend here anymore. I see a potential target. Somebody you want to have sex with. And so long as you think that's what he is - somebody you will eventually convince to have full-on sex with you - this is going to remain an extremely uncomfortable relationship. You might argue that he IS a friend, and you DO care about him, but sorry - I don't believe you. So long as you feel jealousy when he mentions his girlfriends (and convince yourself that he's lying when he does so because he actually likes guys), and are interested in pushing him beyond his comfort zone, I don't think you can call yourself his friend. You're that guy who used him, and will continue to look for ways to use him. No wonder he keeps you at a distance.
And why should you come out? It would require you being honest with yourself and others. It would require you looking for another gay guy to have sex with, rather than this straight acquaintance (sorry - "closeted friend") you still have your sights on. Everything seems peachy where you are right now - why change?
Lex