Mid-life Crisis or Depression?

[Tar_Heel-n-ATL]

OK, I'm hoping to get some varying opinions on my current state of mind. And since this is an anonymous message board, there's no one with any knowledge of me that might color some honest feedback!

The basics:

• Recently turned 38
• Recently celebrated 14-year anniv. w/ my husband - we're basically happy & no real issues in our relationship - he's 43
• Sex life has gradually decreased over the past few years but I think that's somewhat normal with time and age
• I've noticed that I'm becoming a little less interested in sex over the past few months however
• Great job, successful career (very happy w/ that) - stable - been with employer 8.5 years
• Nice house & we're comfortable financially

Some background:

• My mom passed away a little over 2 years ago - we were very close
• My dad started seeing a woman earlier this year - she's very nice and he seems happy so I'm OK with that
• My dad lives about 5 hours from us - his gf lives in the same area as my sister and her family - about 10 hours from us
• Given the distance above, I usually see my family a few times a year - we call/e-mail regularly - I have 1 niece and 2 nephews - all great kids and we're all close
• My hubby's mom passed away a little over a year ago - this was after his aunt and grandmother had died a few months earlier
• His family is about 7 hours from us (opposite direction) - also close with them
• We've lived in Atlanta since the late 80s/early 90s

The issue:
Over maybe the past 3 - 6 months, I keep having this growing feeling of "Is this all there is?" (hey to Peggy Lee) ... the thought of going through these same motions for the next 20 years or so just isn't exciting.
I work out regularly so I'm active and get the good effects of exercise ...had a full physical earlier this year and relatively perfect health... no drug use, occasional alcohol use

I work in a health-related field so I'm quite familiar with the signs of depression and just don't think many of them apply.

We have a very small circle of close friends and go out socially a few times a month. We are bored/burned out on ATL.

I have no desire to dump my hubby and go find some young thing nor do I want to go buy some sports car ... but I'm very cerebral about things and know this state of mind will likely not subside until I address the root cause or make some kind of shake-up to direct my attention to.

So - any older guys out there ... felt the same thing? Know someone who has or other insight? I don't think some new hobby or anything along those lines (take a class, volunteer, etc.) will do the trick.

Thanks for any feedback!

 

[123kid]

short of working out, it doesn't seem to me that you do anything special or out of the ordinary for yourself. when was the last time you went on vacation? How about donating some of your time to a good cause, or even took up a new hobby? There is certainly more to live then just going to work and coming home, and doing the same thing everyday. Just openly speaking thats all.

 

[diesel]

Without getting into details, your life seems like paradise compared to mine. I know it's all relative and maybe easier said than done, but why don't you count your blessings and focus on all the good things in life that you mentioned.

 

[Tar_Heel-n-ATL]

Thanks for the points thus far!

I didn't mean to come across as complaining because I'm not - it's deeper and maybe more spiritual than that. I am very thankful for everything I/we have.

And we do vacation - several times a year. I've done volunteer work in the past and we've taken several adult/evening/enrichment courses at a local univ. last year which were fun for awhile.

Though we have no real desire for kids, I have come to a realization that I think having kids makes a big impact in your view on life - you have their interests/future to keep you grounded and focused.

 

[Tar_Heel-n-ATL]

Yeah, we've discussed relocation and it's a possibility. I already work remote and could do my job anywhere my company has an office (pretty much any major city in the country).

I've seen a lot of stuff about the Point Foundation (gives scholarships to gay students - I think that's what it's called) so mentoring could be a possibility. Which groups might have some kind of program? (Obviously ATL has a very large gay pop. so I would think such things exist there.)

 

[BoSoxFanVa]

About five years ago, my life looked a lot like yours. Loving, committed relationship, good career, great family (both sides), nice home in the suburbs of Denver and an eclectic circle of friends. We vacationed often (mostly golf related) and were active in the Unitarian Church. To most of our friends and family, we were an ideal couple.

But there was something missing.

Emotionally my partner was somewhat absent. I believed he loved me but I didn't get back the affection that I craved. I came to understand that emotionally he wasn't built like me. We talked about this issue often. He would promise to make an effort and display more tenderness and thoughtfulness towards me but ultimately, it lasted only a few days. I became extremely frustrated with this situation but decided to stick it out because I loved this man with everything I had.

As we began our third year together, I started to discuss the possibility of starting a family. This wasn't a new topic because right from the start of our relationship, I let him know that was on my radar. I became very passionate about having children and wanted to get the ball rolling on either adoption or a surrogate situation. My partner was always hesitant and would never allow the discussion to go very far. One night we went to his sister's house for dinner. He would escape to the garage with his brother-in-law and have a few beers. For some reason this night he decided to tie one on and get really drunk. On the way home, he let loose with a barrage of complaints mainly about how I was pressuring him into starting a family. He was uncharacteristicly mean that night about a lot of things and I was in a state of shock. The next couple of days were very tense and not much was said. I was broken hearted about his rants and couldn't let it go. After that night, everything began to change.

We didn't make it much longer. There were no arguments or drama at the end. The break-up was handled like a business deal. We sold the house, split the profits, and moved on.

I'm relaying this story mainly because of the family situation. I've always wanted children and I thought I was with someone who shared that dream. The "thing" missing in our relationship was that dream. As genuine and deep was my love for my partner, it wasn't enough for me. A piece was missing and that was the love of a son or daughter. I wanted to raise a family with the man I loved.

The dream of being a father is still with me but I want to raise my children with two parents. Maybe someday soon, I'll find that man.

Maybe this is what's missing in your life. It's worth a look.

 

[dr_beat]

OK, I'm hoping to get some varying opinions on my current state of mind. And since this is an anonymous message board, there's no one with any knowledge of me that might color some honest feedback!

The basics:

• Recently turned 38
• Recently celebrated 14-year anniv. w/ my husband - we're basically happy & no real issues in our relationship - he's 43
• Sex life has gradually decreased over the past few years but I think that's somewhat normal with time and age
• I've noticed that I'm becoming a little less interested in sex over the past few months however
• Great job, successful career (very happy w/ that) - stable - been with employer 8.5 years
• Nice house & we're comfortable financially

The issue:
Over maybe the past 3 - 6 months, I keep having this growing feeling of "Is this all there is?" (hey to Peggy Lee) ... the thought of going through these same motions for the next 20 years or so just isn't exciting.
I work out regularly so I'm active and get the good effects of exercise ...had a full physical earlier this year and relatively perfect health... no drug use, occasional alcohol use

I work in a health-related field so I'm quite familiar with the signs of depression and just don't think many of them apply.

We have a very small circle of close friends and go out socially a few times a month. We are bored/burned out on ATL.

I have no desire to dump my hubby and go find some young thing nor do I want to go buy some sports car ... but I'm very cerebral about things and know this state of mind will likely not subside until I address the root cause or make some kind of shake-up to direct my attention to.

So - any older guys out there ... felt the same thing? Know someone who has or other insight? I don't think some new hobby or anything along those lines (take a class, volunteer, etc.) will do the trick.

Thanks for any feedback!

Dude, I'm sorry, but I don't see an issue here. The basics you have are...well, let's just say we're the same age and I don't have any of them.

If your relationship is fine, but you're missing the sex, maybe you need to talk to each other to find ways to spice it up. If you like your job and enjoy doing it, you're better off than most of us.

If you miss family members who have passed on, perhaps you might want to meet some new friends both with and without your hubby.

If that doesn't work, consider the alternative:

• 39 years old
• got dumped in September for the second time in a year by the same guy
• no sex since Labour Day
• horny as hell
• back in school trying to get Masters
• broke
• working retail hell to make a pittance of money for Christmas
• living in a tiny bachelor apartment

Yep, that's me in a nutshell.

Oh, and bosoxfan may be right--try children.

 

[MWesH]

BEEN THERE - DONE THAT.! At 65 now and I feel I'll live forever. I got my partner to his reward and taken care of and look back on those times when I wondered the same thing. The answer is that we all are part of the matrix of life and we all add to that matrix so no life is wasted. We all leave a part of ourselves even after we no longer are here in person and our existence is never a wasted existence because we all make a difference in the world much like a pebble dropped in a pond and all of our existences are part of the pond of life. Live life to the fullest.

 

[NickCole]

There is a transition at midlife. Generally happens somewhere around age 40. Mine began at 48 and, at 50, I'm still going through it. But I'm a late bloomer and a slow learner; maybe yours will be faster.

The symptoms you list are practically textbook. And yes, depression often accompanies the transition.

My first advice is, while this transition is all about change, and some incidental external changes might be useful in making you feel better short-term, don't make any major changes in your life that will undo your successful efforts up to now. You have a good life; protect it during this personal storm. Your desire for excitement, feeling bored, "is that all there is" is normal, but things like cosmetic surgery, changing partners or jobs or residential location will not fix what feels wrong. That's not to say you shouldn't take a better job if it comes along or refinish the living room floors or buy a fun new car or even build a dreamhouse if it's something you've long wanted. I'm only saying don't toss away something you've loved because it doesn't seem exciting any more. (One of the things I did during this period was renovate our kitchen. I know -- how gay! But I felt like I needed something improved and fresh, and at least a renovated kitchen is a capital improvement that everyone can enjoy!)

Your state of mind will change --improve-- as you work your way through this major life transition, just as it did if you worked successfully through adolescence. In fact sometimes this has felt to me like another adolescence: some of the process is very similar and, as in adolescence, I find I'm re-defining some of my self-identity. I'm not turning into a different person, but I think I'm becoming more genuinely who I am.

Some random thoughts:

* What you're going through is a normal stage of life. It's tough but it's also pregnant with potential.

* How you navigate this transition will determine your trajectory in the upcoming decades of your life. I've known people whose Act II is even better than their Act I, and I've known people who head downward during midlife and never regain their footing. This midlife transition is a perfect instance of it's not what happens to us, it's how we deal with it.

* The internal crisis feels the same no matter the external particulars. There's a reason that advice like, "Be grateful for what you have" feels empty even though your brain tells you it ought to help. This midlife crisis happens inside us so, in terms of how it feels in our gut, it doesn't matter if we're rich or in debt, single or in a relationship with a wonderful man. Whatever you're feeling is valid if you feel it; don't dismiss it because you "shouldn't" be feeling that way. As the transition comes to completion all those smart decisions that created your financial security and your 14 year relationship with your hubby once again feel so wonderful and you fully enjoy the fruit of your effort.

The good news is, if you do your work and successfully navigate your midlife transition, all that excitement you yearn for now is in your future.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

You certainly are not alone.

Your story pretty much reads like mine. The externals are superficially different but the substance at hand is apparently identical.

This is what has worked for me.

My BF and I decided to open up our relationship. Sex is as good as it has always been but both of us are genuinely promiscous and suffering for an ideal was neither going to make us better nor happier. So far, this has worked for us but I would never claim that this is a receipe for eternal and universal happiness for many guys, who are basically monogamous.

I am neither an activist nor am I into volunteer work nor am I even vaguely considering raising children. I am into doing my own thing and running my own life. So, I have started up a new business and have worked last for three years more hours and days than I care to admit. And I was good.

I have now transferred some of my duties and obligations to my BF, who is 16 years my junior and who is very much into building up his own career and creating his own wealth. I have reduced my own workload for 2007 to only 150 days.

We are now hunting for our European winter home in Spain and both he and I will be spending time and energy coping with that issue. (No, guys, I ain't complainin' or anythin').

I have had my 2 homes before I met my BF and this our first genuinely shared home. We are both happy and very much looking forward to it.

Which brings me to your key statement:

I have no desire to dump my hubby and go find some young thing nor do I want to go buy some sports car ... but I'm very cerebral about things and know this state of mind will likely not subside until I address the root cause or make some kind of shake-up to direct my attention to.


I have agreed with myself that my 'wild 20's and 30's' are now behind me. Going out 5 out of 7 nights a week is simply not going to happen anymore, because I do not feel like it anymore. My life has reached a very different stage and I am fully recognizing that fact. I am changing.

I am re-inventing myself. I am both in good health and in reasonably good shape. Instead of hitting the threadmill several times a week, I'd be hitting my mountainbike and riding through some of the most beautiful landscapes in Europe.

I am dedicating some of my time to learn Spanish and will hopefully succeed. (They say the first 4 foreign languages are tough. Afterwards, it is an easy ride. )

I know that I am my own very source of strength and happiness. No one else, no matter, how much he loves me, can bring about the happiness into my life, unless I do it myself, too.

So, I am going to explore the books, I have always wanted to read and even understand, but never had the time and energy to do so.

Since our new home will be close to the local Marina, I am considering getting a skipper's patent or something to that effect.

I have decided to allow every year for a few days that would just be 'days'. No plans, no obligations, no committments. I want to start the day with the idea that I can choose to do whatever I want to do, if and when I want to do those things.

I may choose to try my hand at several things. I may even take some risks. But every day of my life will be well-worth it.

But first and foremost, I am leaving everything open and negotiable. There is no genuine security in life and I am not craving it either. I am in charge of my resources and my life and though I do have plans and though I am dilligently working towards making them come through, neither I nor anyone else really controls destiny.

I am keeping all of my options open and will do as I find fit at any given moment of time.

This gives me the sense of freedom which is my raison d'être.

SC

 

[hermanding]

seems normal to wake up to the fact that it isn't all fireworks and excitement - still 60 minutes of 24 hours of 7 days of .... if you move, there'll be some new experiences in a new environment. If you both like that exploring, then that's a new diversion. eventually you'll find that place like ATL though. believe you're incredibly lucky overall, and think of the horror of not having this great guy - and the possessions and comforts around you - and the friends. it just isn't new anymore. you ARE happy more than unhappy, right?
ding

 

[Tar_Heel-n-ATL]

Thanks guys for the insightful thoughts and feedback! When people have asked me, I've described myself as "content" for probably the past year or so. On the surface that's great I know, but I always need a challenge and something I'm working toward.

The major life issues (career, finances, home, relationship) are pretty set and stable - but I can't feel like I'm "done" or that I've "peaked." So I guess I'm trying to figure out what that next hurdle/project is.

Part of me thinks the family losses, especially my mom, have affected me more than I admit. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye and resolve some issues - she wasn't in a great state of mind the last few years of her life. I definitely have a different view of life - as more fleeting, to take advantage of opportunities when they arise, etc.

Though I'm a Type A/OCD personality, I realize I thrive on a certain amount of chaos - it gives me something to attack and make order of.

I hadn't considered the 2nd adolescence idea as it relates to finding my identity again .. interesting concept. I went through a rather severe period of introspection in my last year of college and the 2 years before grad. school - the end result of that was my coming out.

I guess I'm hoping for some lightning bolt - some words of wisdom or similar experiences that I see and realize - "that's it! that's what I'm looking for." I know that doesn't always happen.