Mikey, don't be gay!

[spikethecat]

Have you ever felt trapped?
Caught in a place of deep emotional turmoil,
and have no one to call?
That the price of life,
is too great a toll?
The one that you love,
Doesn't love you at all?
That you make a difference in peoples lives,
but yet you make no difference at all?
That no one will ever really love you,
and you must die alone?
Everyone you ever met will say
"Where has he gone?"


I wrote that last weekend. The night before I stood in my boyfriends wedding. I really need to just purge some of this to try to get the black veil off of my life. He has been the most important person in my life for a little over 10 yrs. I don't know if boyfriend is quite the proper description for our relationship. We weren't the shout it from the roofs, holding hands on the street couple. In our fairly close knit group, no one was sure whether or not anything was going on. He lived with me for over two years before work took him to a nearby city. We didn't always share the same bed. But we did share our lives. I moved to that small town just to be closer to him. My work would keep me on the road for weeks at a time, after which I would go stay with "B", and life would be alright. When life was hard he would sit next to me on the couch and and hug me and stroke my hair and make me feel loved and life would work through itself. He has now found the love of his life, and its not me.

I love him very deeply and would give my life for his happiness. It seems that I must do just that. It doesnt require my dying (NO SUICIDE RISK). For him to have the life that he wants, I must give up the life that I want. So I stood in his wedding. She really is a very special person, I must say that I do approve of his choice except for the obvious conflict of interest.

They kindled their relationship during the storm evacuation last year. She opened her house and was host to many of my group of friends. I was not able to join them because of ......Stupidity.(I didnt evacuate till much after the storm). It seems that this storm has taken away the very foundations of my life. My home, my job, my friends, and the most devastating, the love of my life.

Many of our friends know about my sexuality, but not his. I am not sure if I am out or if its just the worst kept secret in history. I am not one to bring it up, but if you ask I will tell. Not so with "B". He has been made very uncomfortable because of being closeted. His mother (I am very close with her) knew how much of a blow this wedding was to me. She had pulled me aside years ago and told me that she was fine with however much of our lives "B" and I decided to share with each other. I guess moms always know. She was concerned that I would do something stupid or embarrassing to mar this wedding. So was I, to be totally transparent. But I did fine.

So, back to the title. The wedding was in a nearby city, requiring some travel. The new couple opened up their house for many of the gang to stay before the wedding. We made it a four day party. She has a couple of yorky terriers. (I hesitate to call them dogs, they are more like dust mops to me..lol) One of them is named mike, as am I. One of the other guests had brought their 8 month old male puppy for the weekend also. The Yorky was fascinated with the puppy and spent every minute of every day following this puppy everywhere and trying to hump it when ever it got the chance. (Kind of reminded me of Decadence fest, but thats another story for another thread i guess.) So whenever the yorky would start trying to hump the puppy some one or onother would holler out "MIKEY, DONT BE GAY!!" So getting through this awful personal dilema of the love of my life getting married, I had to endure a constant barrage of "MIKEY, DONT BE GAY!!"

so as the old joke goes
"Other than that mrs lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

Thank yo for the opportunity to get this off of my chest.
Mike

 

[cliffified]

..I felt for you.......hope you will get over it.maybe you'll not..but hope you canl find a man that will love you and stay with you forever.. :hug:..

 

[Riverrick]

I'm sorry. Its really a sad tale.

I don't see anything positive that happened for you in all of this. You might say, to see my bf happy. But that's a very muted benefit at best. I will sacrifice some of my needs to see my friends and family happy, but it doesn't usually involve me sacrificing my very happiness.

You surely lost a lot in that storm. Your entire life, it seems, was ripped from you.

Then to have to endure his wedding. And probably feel as if your pain was invisible during the whole affair. Like you didn't matter. I have to admit, that part bothers me a lot. It had to be grueling and lonely for you.

I have other questions, such as how does he get away scott free with doing this? But I don't need answers; you need support. If you ever feel like telling us more, do so. Otherwise, we are just here for you.

Thanks for telling us your story. And sharing your poem. I think it does help.

 

[Eagle653]

It's hard to add more than cliffified and riverrick did. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am this happened to you. I hope that time does heal, and that you can find a man who's committed to you and loves you with all his heart.

Take care. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It's a poignant reminder that we have a long way to go.

 

[Riverrick]

Mike, a few questions as its somewhat confusing.

I'm a little unclear as to what the official status of your relationship was. It sounds like you were boyfriends, right? I mean, you met and fell in love, had sex and spent every waking hour together for a while and then moved in together and shared your lives until he moved due to his job. And even if you didn't share the same bed always, I would consider you a couple.

As I would after he moved unless it was spelled out between the two of you that you weren't. As I also would after the storm when he met HER and, what? Fell in love with her? How? I mean, is he Gay or Bi perhaps? And no matter what he is, he cheated on you with her, didn't he? Why did he do that? and doesn't he get held accountable for that?

How did he get to saunter off into the sunset and marry her and have you in the wedding? I think I'm missing some parts of the story.

I know you are hurting and if you are not ready to answer these questions, that's fine. But you seemed to indicate you are.

Here's another cyber hug. Can't have too many of them.

 

[jockboy01]

Hey Mike, I read this before any responses and honestly, I don't know that I have anything that I can say that will make things seem or feel better. But I do feel really bad for you. Kind of like a real life brokeback mountain story and I cried like an infant during parts of that.

First, well done being able to stand up in his wedding. I couldn't have done that, and wouldn't have probably. I tend to agree with the questions above, esp about the extent of your relationship with this guy. Not that it is any of our business of course. Was it a bf relationship? Did you guys ever talk about your relationship? And most importantly, have you explained to him how you feel since this all happened? I think he deserves to know and if it is hard for him to hear... too bad. You shouldn't be made to suffer in silence. You were there for his wedding, the least he can do is hear you out about how he screwed you over.

I don't know, there's not a good solution to this ultimately... just time. And there isn't much solice in that I know.

 

[Soilwork]

I'm going to get slaughtered for saying this..

But you've learned the hard way how dating a bisexual man often ends up.. with you being invited to his wedding.

If my experience has taught me anything, in a while he'll be calling you a lot... probably come visit before the first baby is born. Wanna shag you on the side before going back to his wife.

I hope you have someone who loves you and is committed to you by then.

However, I've got one more piece of advice....

Wether you're dating a bi man or a gay man, if you keep your relationship a secret, it's not going to feel "real", and it's a lot easier to walk away from a relationship that isn't real. Next time, you gotta be a couple out in the open.. you think that maybe part of his reason to go back to her was that he didnt' have to sneak around?

Maybe he wanted a relationship that he could talk about with his family?

 

[jockboy01]

Well, soilwork never does sugar coat anything. It has SOME validity for sure. But he does still feel bad for you even though he doesn't explicitly state it. He forgot that line at the end when bashing bi guys and closet cases in the same post (which I'm impressed you did btw sw). As I said, there is some truth in all of it.

 

[Soilwork]

Hey... I wasn't BASHING anyone.

I think I was pretty cool and non-judgemental, if you ask me.

I'm just telling it how I see it, and that's that if you're dating a guy in secret, eventually, he's going to get tired of sneaking about and find someone he can do things like hold hands in public with and maybe even marry... nice public ceremony?

It's obviously what he wanted.

 

[spikethecat]

Thanks all for your support. I appreciate the outpouring of concern. To try to answer some of the questions.

I'm a little unclear as to what the official status of your relationship was.

There was no official status of our relationship. we never really discussed it. It was not something that we ever defined. We were just there for each other. It just seemed to morph as time went by. It was very much a closet relationship. As for cheating on me, how do I answer that? No definition -no rules, right? The physicality of our relationship, I just dont know how to explain it right now. never discussed, no rules? This isnt coming across like I want but maybe I can answer better later. I loved him, but I wasnt monogamous either, Set up to fail I guess. This is when people say that I did this to myself and it is my own fault. OK. Maybe it was.

And most importantly, have you explained to him how you feel since this all happened?

Yea, I talked to him when he called me to tell me that he fell in love with her. It's not like he just said one day, "we are over, I marrying this chick, will you stand in my wedding?" What could I tell him? that I loved him, I would always love him, that I was devistated by this. What could he say? He is in love, but not with me.

But you've learned the hard way how dating a bisexual man often ends up.. with you being invited to his wedding.

That may be so Soilwork, but what does it matter who he ends up with. Man or woman. Drop the word bisexual from your statement and it is just as true. If you love, you risk.

Wether you're dating a bi man or a gay man, if you keep your relationship a secret, it's not going to feel "real", and it's a lot easier to walk away from a relationship that isn't real. Next time, you gotta be a couple out in the open.. you think that maybe part of his reason to go back to her was that he didnt' have to sneak around?

Ihave to agree with you on this one. The fact that no one really knew, made it a lot easier for him to slip away. But I don't think what we were doing was sneaking around, it was just not anybodys business but our own. And to clarify, he didnt go back to her, this was a new relationship.

I'm just telling it how I see it, and that's that if you're dating a guy in secret, eventually, he's going to get tired of sneaking about and find someone he can do things like hold hands in public with and maybe even marry... nice public ceremony?

Soilwork, Quite often I find you to be pushy and opinionated. but right.
I appreciate your candor and genuine concern. your alright in my book.


So how am I going to handle the near future? I blocked his number on my cell phone today. I was watching the football game with a mutual friend, when apparently he tried calling me. When he couldnt get through he called our friend to see if he had heard from me. (I have been conspicously absent from our circle of friends since the wedding) When my friend answered and said "yea, he's right here." and handed me the phone. "B" said he was having problems getting through to my cell phone and I told him that I blocked his number and hung up. Scott free? He made his mind up, he dont get both.

 

[Riverrick]

When my friend answered and said "yea, he's right here." and handed me the phone. "B" said he was having problems getting through to my cell phone and I told him that I blocked his number and hung up. Scott free? He made his mind up, he dint get both.

What can I say? That was really awesome! Here, you deserve another hug.

I would guess its probably hard, too. Breaking away from him finally. But as many of us have learned, the time and distance can help you to regroup and recover.

You did a great job explaining your situation, by the way. I certainly don't judge you and I doubt anyone else will. When you're dealt the gay hand and they give the other side most of the good cards, its an uphill struggle.

Deal with the near future by coming in here and telling us how its going each day. Don't worry, you'll always have something new to write about. Its going to be difficult for some time. But it will hurt a little less if you aren't alone. Which is what you've been so far. And lucky for you there's a bunch of great guys here that looove to come and check in on you and give you a hug when you need it. Welcome!

 

[confusedboy23]

Mike, I am just lost for words having read this thread. I do feel for you, for the pain that you are going through and the hurt that you are experiencing. I'm sure there would also be elements of confusion going on in your head not really understanding why all this happened.

I really don't know what to say. Two reasons, I can see myself in 'B' and I can also see myself in 'Mike'.

I am 'B' in a sense that I think I am bi and I have found my Mike. I never expected to fall in love with a guy but that's just what happened. We fell in love but I had laid my issues on the table from the very beginning. I have told him that I have always been in relationships with girls but I was really attracted to him and I wanted to be with him. We discussed the whole relationship issue and he was OK with me being in the closet. At that stage, I was not ready to come out to my family and friends, but I was prepared to be 'public' with him with his friends and family and to do what couples do in public as long as they don't involve my family. He was fine with that.

And then, I see myself in YOU (Mike) too. Why? Because after a few months, I was left in the dark as to why he had decided to go back to his ex. I was devastated, fell into depression and so on and so forth. I found JUB to have been a huge structure of support and I am sure you will too. You stood at his wedding, and I commend you for that. It must have taken a lot of courage.

Now, I still don't really know why he did what he did. I have tried to be angry at him but it just didn't work out too well with my sanity. I tried avoiding him, and that gave me space to heal and make sense of things. I have realised that the only way I can move on is to be who I am and yes, I tend to think of myself as a nice guy so I had to see the better of this break up. I knew that he went back to his ex because of my issues and I knew deep down inside of me that he was definitely better able to provide for him. So, I wished him the best (I'm not trying to be some great altruistic person) and we try to remain in contact as friends. I made it clear to him of my feelings and my hurt but by seeing him happy, I know that I should be happy too because love afterall, is not always getting what you want, but seeing your loved one truly happy!

I will be lying if I said I am now perfectly fine, perfectly over him. No way. I still miss him sometimes and I still give myself a hard time to make sense of things. But overall, I have become a happier person because he is happy and he has acknowledged the part I played in him rebuilding his relationship with his ex.

I don't know what I have written here is anything of value. But, you have my best wishes with moving on! Just do what you feel makes you feel happy, and I'm sure there will be better moments in your life in the near future.

 

[spikethecat]

Confused,
Your post does help. I am not really sure why. but I have been trying to develop a sense of closure with this. Seeing a little bit of both sides really helps.

One of the things I have been trying to deal with is why the hell would I stand in his wedding? There has always been a part of me that feels that I should have said "WTF! Are you INSANE?". But part of me appreciates it as an admission that I am an important part of his life. 10yrs. fucking 10 yrs. I guess I never really believed all was lost until they said "I do". I kind of needed to see that with my own eyes. Part of it was kind of like a parting gift. It would have caused a stir if I would not have been there.

I thought I should post part of a private message I sent on this subject, because that does help fill things in a bit.

no, your not off base. anger, disappointment, abandonment. They all fit. Unfortunately, these are emotions that I have felt so much lately that I dont see the need to argue. Shout out my feeling? That is what I did with my post, really. What is the point of it all. Nothing changes. Fair? What does fair have to do with reality? I dont mean to be defeatist. Its just that even though it sucks more than any thing I have every encountered, My actions have little or no bearing on the situation. A brand new start? A chance to find the real meaning of my life? The real fact of the matter is...I have never loved anybody else so unselfishly. I would appreciate being able to have malice or malcontent. I just cant. I understand that it is over, I've had close to a year to get a grip on that. A few people that he has confided in are expecting me to lose it. I was always a little loosely strung to begin with, so me unraveling is what they expect. Bend but do not break. At least the Saints won today. I really dont know what to say, I am still a little numb from the whole situation. I really do appreciate you giving a shit though. I appreciate the cyberHug. I am not usually a doormat, In fact, some of the gang still calls me "Point Blank", I will usually be the first to let you know that the emporer has no clothes. But right now, I guess I am a little bit spun.

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

You are so not the doormat or the "point blank" that some of the gang refer ot you as. You have really demonstrated inner strength and integrity that is probably beyond the capabilities of quite a lot of people, who would have crumbled in your position.

 

[LoveSweatandTears]

Wow, what a heavy post!

I can totally relate to this because I had a relationship with a man who eventually married a woman. He too was afraid to come out and that eventually led to tons of frustration on my part, which then soured the relationship (I essentially sabotaged it by being angry and immature and we gradually stopped seeing/talking to each other). Lucky for me the relationship soured shortly before he met his future wife and so I was already moving on at that point, however the reality of it did still burn when I learned he was getting married.

To this day he still pops up in dreams, and I still think of him when I'm back home driving around. I feel like I'm over everything that happened and I now regret the fact that I stopped talking to him, but the fact is he was the first love I had and I've never felt anything close, and I'm not sure I ever will. I do have a new partner though who is much more comfortable with his sexuality and I have been with him for several years now. So maybe that can give you some hope? I'm not sure what to say, life can deal you some bad cards from time to time and a bad love card is in my opinion one of the toughest.

 

[jockboy01]

Well, it sounds like the relationship fell apart mainly because of lack of communication. Why that lack occured in the first place is still poorly understood. My guess would be that there was some uncomfortableness surrounding that conversation and so it never came up. I can relate to that.

Sounds like you are dealing well with it now. Distance from him and time are the only things that will make things feel better in the long term. And you seem to be handling it quite well. I wouldn't worry about why you went to the wedding... know that you did, be proud of that fact and move on. No use agonizing over that one. I think it is awesome that you did.

And you're right... love is always a risk.

 

[spikethecat]

I just wanted to take a moment and say thanks to every who posted on this thread. Your comments and concern have really helped me. I was feeling so very isolated and thrown away for so long. Your support has helped take some of the sting out of the situation. I know I will probably be carrying this scar for a long time. But ya'll have helped me move on just a bit, and every little bit matters. I have learned in the past year or so that you can't cling to the past which was comfortable. Things happen in life that change things irrevocably, leaving you with no other option than to move on. Stop the world, I want to get off!- Doesnt seem to do much good, so you keep on living. Nothing like a clean sweep to give you an opportunity to redefine yourself.

So now all I have to do is find an apartment, a job that I like doing, some friends that are true, and someone to love who loves me. And they call this the Big Easy. lol......... (sob)

 

[RACERX71]

Was scrolling through some old threads and stumbled upon this. I had a very similar situation, over ten years and he left to marry a girl. I tried everything to keep him even told his future wife about us but nothing worked , I lost him. It’s quite a story and yes to this day I still have dreams about him and this took place over 20 years ago! I am happily married to a great guy, didn’t think I would ever find happiness again but it happened. Your story is over 10 years old has he tried to stay in touch?