Mild relationship advice

[Retalliate]

Hey all,

I'd like a bit of advice about a situation that I've just come across. Also, I'd like to start off by saying this thread isn't started out of some one-time desire that's caught my eye that I'm wanting advice for. This is something that I've been thinking about hard for about a week and it's starting to tear up my mind. I thought it would be wise to ask a good community what would be the best thing to do.

I'm a university student in Austin, and relationships aren't my greatest skill. I had a boyfriend before the spring semester ended, but unfortunately due to me being abroad the entire summer, the long distance tore us up. He's the only boyfriend I've had so far. I also came out in May to announce the relationship, but I tried to keep the pool of those who know relatively small cause unfortunately hate crimes are still a thing.

I'm studying engineering, so I began this semester not interested in pursuing a relationship in order to focus on studies and extracurriculars. However, in one of the organizations I'm a part of, I met one of the cutest guys I've seen. He's nice, we have many similar interests, and we definitely get along very well. Since I was under the spell of doing well in classes, I just kept him as a good friend and didn't try to act on anything, since he was probably straight anyway.

Occasionally, when I get bored, I'll re-install Tinder just to see what's up in the world, and usually end up getting a bit sad and deleting it. Out of some sort of paranoia, I delete all my pictures on it so I can keep my identity a relative secret. I'm not really expecting matches, but sometimes I just want to see what's up.

Last weekend, I got back on Tinder, and all of a sudden this guy pops up. I couldn't believe my eyes cause I definitely thought he was straight. I kept cool, and later when I got back on the app after deleting my account, he was nowhere to be found (suggesting he's also deleted his account). Also through mild Facebook stalking, I found he's kept his relationship status a secret.

I've thought about this for a while, but I can't come to an answer--what should I do with this information? If he asked me, I would date him in a heartbeat. I may give off a "straight" vibe, and I haven't particularly come out to him yet, so he might not have the idea that I'd even be open to a relationship with him. Should I ask him in some way to confirm or deny that he's gay or single? Should I test the waters by asking him out or something? I'm also in the organization with him, so if I ask him out and it doesn't go well, would that make it uncomfortable for him to come back to meetings in the future? I don't know whether or not he's in a relationship or out to many people, so I'm not sure what, if anything, would be appropriate to do.

Although I'm usually very stoic when it comes to feelings for others, I suppose I've been taken a little bit by emotion. I'm just confused given this situation. Your words of wisdom are much appreciated!

Thank you,

Retalliate

 

[badbug]

hehehe

I can relate to the panic. It's tough. It's life.


Just remember the feelings you are having, come from inside you. They aren't from him, they aren't really even about him, they're all about you. Whether this situation works out or not, you'll have these feelings again. So don't get too wrapped up in the idea of losing your chance with this person.


What is important is, you have an opportunity. What is best for you? Can you handle rejection? Can you handle awkwardness? Can you handle success?


You can only control yourself. No one can tell you, no amount of studying or thinking can tell you, what the hell is going to happen.


So it's risk. Either way. Will you regret it if you see him with his boyfriend in 6 months, thinking it could of been you? Will you regret it 20 years from now, when you are thinking about all the chances you didn't take? you will think about shit like that as you get older.

Or will you be angry at yourself, when he calls you a homo and tells everyone in your group that you tried to come on to him? who knows? Or will you get too wrapped up in a relationship and have trouble with school? What type of person are you, can you handle work and play? (i can't, that wasn't accusatory!)


So i mean, i know what I would do. But i am often a coward in these situations. I would probably bottle up my feelings, and say nothing until i blurt everything out all at once in a drunken over-emotional rant that scares him off for good.


But assuming you do as i say, and not as i do......


It sounds like you like this guy. I think you should just have a short conversation with him about how you feel. Don't tell him about the stalking of course, or get all weird about too much of your life story......but just be honest that you're attracted to him and ask if he'd like to have dinner or something. If he's not mature enough to handle a guy saying he's interested, then no big loss.

And if you're paranoid about people finding out you're gay, or it being awkward.....well you really need to do a risk/reward type assessment.

This guy is just cute, and maybe he's smart or has a good personality. You're going to meet lots of guys like that, hell you are talking with one now. If you really have a hard time with awkward situations and focus in relationships or with relationships and your school would be affected too greatly, maybe just let a cute guy be a cute guy....and you be a lonely weirdo student. Once you are making big bucks, you'll get lots more cute guys. : )


So yeah,

go for it if you can handle it. Living life, is probably the best choice but be safe.

But if you know you can't handle it, then just be patient. It's all about you.

 

[otters]

Hey all,

I'd like a bit of advice about a situation that I've just come across. Also, I'd like to start off by saying this thread isn't started out of some one-time desire that's caught my eye that I'm wanting advice for. This is something that I've been thinking about hard for about a week and it's starting to tear up my mind. I thought it would be wise to ask a good community what would be the best thing to do.

I'm a university student in Austin, and relationships aren't my greatest skill. I had a boyfriend before the spring semester ended, but unfortunately due to me being abroad the entire summer, the long distance tore us up. He's the only boyfriend I've had so far. I also came out in May to announce the relationship, but I tried to keep the pool of those who know relatively small cause unfortunately hate crimes are still a thing.

I'm studying engineering, so I began this semester not interested in pursuing a relationship in order to focus on studies and extracurriculars. However, in one of the organizations I'm a part of, I met one of the cutest guys I've seen. He's nice, we have many similar interests, and we definitely get along very well. Since I was under the spell of doing well in classes, I just kept him as a good friend and didn't try to act on anything, since he was probably straight anyway.

Occasionally, when I get bored, I'll re-install Tinder just to see what's up in the world, and usually end up getting a bit sad and deleting it. Out of some sort of paranoia, I delete all my pictures on it so I can keep my identity a relative secret. I'm not really expecting matches, but sometimes I just want to see what's up.

Last weekend, I got back on Tinder, and all of a sudden this guy pops up. I couldn't believe my eyes cause I definitely thought he was straight. I kept cool, and later when I got back on the app after deleting my account, he was nowhere to be found (suggesting he's also deleted his account). Also through mild Facebook stalking, I found he's kept his relationship status a secret.

I've thought about this for a while, but I can't come to an answer--what should I do with this information? If he asked me, I would date him in a heartbeat. I may give off a "straight" vibe, and I haven't particularly come out to him yet, so he might not have the idea that I'd even be open to a relationship with him. Should I ask him in some way to confirm or deny that he's gay or single? Should I test the waters by asking him out or something? I'm also in the organization with him, so if I ask him out and it doesn't go well, would that make it uncomfortable for him to come back to meetings in the future? I don't know whether or not he's in a relationship or out to many people, so I'm not sure what, if anything, would be appropriate to do.

Although I'm usually very stoic when it comes to feelings for others, I suppose I've been taken a little bit by emotion. I'm just confused given this situation. Your words of wisdom are much appreciated!

Thank you,

Retalliate

I'd suggest you could ask him, without forcing him to out himself:

"Mate, can you imagine, someone else could have used your pics? — — Recently I stumbled upon some pictures that looked exactly like you, but unfortunately before I could ask that guy the account was deleted."

 

[KaraBulut]

...I've thought about this for a while, but I can't come to an answer--what should I do with this information? If he asked me, I would date him in a heartbeat. I may give off a "straight" vibe, and I haven't particularly come out to him yet, so he might not have the idea that I'd even be open to a relationship with him. Should I ask him in some way to confirm or deny that he's gay or single? Should I test the waters by asking him out or something? I'm also in the organization with him, so if I ask him out and it doesn't go well, would that make it uncomfortable for him to come back to meetings in the future? I don't know whether or not he's in a relationship or out to many people, so I'm not sure what, if anything, would be appropriate to do.

You're over-analyzing life instead of just living it.

Be out. It's a lot easier to find other gay people if you're out.

Talk to this guy. Exchange numbers. Invite him to coffee. Have a chat. If there's no mutual attraction, then you have another gay friend in your circle. If there's mutual attraction, then you can see what happens.

This is the way it works for straight people. There's no reason that it shouldn't work that way for you... especially in one of the most liberal cities in the U.S.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Retalliate,

Good you have made this posting. I fully agree with the great advice of KaraBulut, in particular because you have told us that this guy is already some sort of friend of you. So talk with him in real life, exchange contact details with each other in real life and also send him a friend request through Facebook (etc.). That's the way how people make contact with each other.

So show to him that you are a friendly / kind (etc.) guy, and try as well to make some very mild compliments to him about anything of him (for example the clothes he is wearing, his hair, or whatever).

This guy will be aware that you don't have a girlfriend / wife and that you also seem not to have much interest in girls. So I leave it up to you how open you are about yourself, but please realize yourself that people around you might already aware that you are a gay guy.

Being out is of course the most easiest option. Telling some of your good friends at your university that you are gay, and tell them as well that it not forbidden for them to talk with others about this topic will often have the result that you don't need to bother anymore whom at your university is aware that you are gay. You just take it for granted that most of them are aware (and for sure they don't bother), and you will otherwise tell them what's the reason why you don't have a girlfriend.

Please don't force him to admit that he has gay feelings (or whatever), but be kind and friendly to him and let him know that you are (a) a gay guy and (b) like to be friends with him (etc.).

Good luck and don't hesitate to ask more questions about this issue.

 

[Seasoned]

The closet leads to secret crushes followed by the desire for the object of the crush to out himself before you do. This is something I've read over and over in this forum from the day I've joined. Is it necessary to be that fearful? Probably not.

I don't know how it's been for other gay guys, but, since same sex marriage has become the law of the land in the US, I have felt free and liberated. It seems as though you haven't yet fully accepted yourself and you need reassurance that there's someone else like you before you come out. If coming out continues to be an issue see a therapist, otherwise walk into a LGBT center and start getting comfortable with being gay.

 

[tarallucci]

Hi,

the interests that you have in common can definitely be a starting point. I know the emotions are overwhelming but you're doing good being patient and not forcing the situation. Keep talking to him as friend so that the friendship can gradually develop and then propose anything you know he will gladly appreciate.

 

[checkinthingsout]

You're over-analyzing life instead of just living it.

Be out. It's a lot easier to find other gay people if you're out.

Talk to this guy. Exchange numbers. Invite him to coffee. Have a chat. If there's no mutual attraction, then you have another gay friend in your circle. If there's mutual attraction, then you can see what happens.

This is the way it works for straight people. There's no reason that it shouldn't work that way for you... especially in one of the most liberal cities in the U.S.

This is exactly what you should do. I know you are still new to being out, but invite him to hang out and let him know CASUALLY, that you are gay through conversation. At the least you will probably have a closer friendship with someone else, but he could actually be into you too!