More Than Friends?

[TX-Beau]

I just wanted to reiterate something Kara said. In the movies when one person makes a declaration like that, the sappy music cues up and everyone lives happily ever after.

But that's not reality. In reality no one gay/straight/bi male/female likes to get blindsided, or deal with the emotions of someone else, especially if there is no mutual interest. What you did in effect was drop your emotions on him out of the blue and require that he deal with them right now, and you're basically trying to make him talk about it.

That's not appropriate unless you've been dating for awhile. You dropped a bunch of bombshells on him all at once, and now - right or wrong - what he's thinking now is something like"

"...he was never my friend, he had ulterior motives, he's gay, he's gay for ME! I don't' know who he is..."

Sure most of that is bullshit, but that doesn't stop him from processing that way.

Making things really awkward. In the future, don't tell someone you have feelings for them until you've been dating awhile. If you'd just told him that you were gay/bi, your problem probably wouldn't be there, but you made it personal to him, and now he has to figure out if he wants to deal with that or not.

Don't keep trying to force him to talk to you. First it won't work, and he'll only come to resent you for it, and second he needs time and space to deal.

As for the picture thing, if I had a nickel for every vaguely homoerotic thing I saw guys do in college, I'd have a fortune. That shit is an indicator of nothing.

You can spend your life playing is he/isn't he games with straight guys but in the end, they're straight if they say they are and you aren't going to get anywhere with that. Even if you do get the odd one into bed there's no way in hell he'll ever be your boyfriend.

 

[texan_slant]

Agreed with TX-Beau ^^^

 

[jkearson]

Thanks so much you guys, I don't know what I'd do without you.
Okay, so here's the latest update.
Tonight, I went to a cookout. There was a ton of people there. And through the crowd, I was surprised to see him. I wanted so badly to go say something, you know, just "Hey" or "How've you been lately?" or whatever, but I couldn't make myself do it out of fear that he would feel extremely awkward with me in public and I didn't want him anymore upset at me than he already is.
I don't think he saw me. Like I said, there was a ton of people there and I only saw him from a distance. I wasn't there long, because I just couldn't stand the idea of him being right there, yet I didn't have the balls to say anything.
The last "Hey" text message attempt I made was nearly a month ago.
Thanks, Kara, that's what I've been trying to figure out how to do: That he's a very close friend and I just want to be friends, and if not, I'd like to get closure in the fact that he doesn't want to be around me anymore, just so I don't have to keep waiting.

 

[azndude89]

Honestly, you're not going to go anywhere by sending "hey" to him over and over again. It seems like you need closure or you're not going to get over him. I suggest you to really be up front about it. Ask him, get him to spill the beans, 2 months has been long enough. Ask him if he wants to be friends or not and if not, ask him nicely to explain why. And you should probably not ask him over Facebook bc he could just ignore you again. Next time you run into him, pull him aside or something, just make sure he has your full attention.

 

[jkearson]

I get that I have to do that, it's just hard. I do need closure. I can't just always wonder if he just needs time and he'll come to terms, or if he's done with this friendship. I need to know.
And about running into him, that's one of the big problems! This is the first time I've seen him since mid-May. I haven't ran into him at all since then. I just wish he'd reply.
Is there anything I could send in a text that could have a high chance of initiating a conversation?

 

[texan_slant]

Try calling on the phone.

 

[azndude89]

Try calling on the phone.

^^^ agreed!

with texting, he'll probably ignore it. A phone call seems better. leave him a voicemail if he doesnt pick up, explain what you need (try to write it down on paper first in case you mess up or choke) . be firm, it's probably going to be the only way you can get to him. If he doesn't return your call. Just leave him be and most likely it's over (sorry to say).

 

[MartyO]

You shouldn't of said anything. If that happened to me i would pull him up on it and see if he would of done anything sexual or said yeah i've done things 2 boys before (lie). If then nothing happened i would of said it.

 

[jkearson]

Thanks guys. I should try to call him.
And I know that now, MartyO. If I could time travel, that'd be the only thing is change.
New update:
So last Saturday (week ago today) I was driving into town, just to get my mind off of things. I noticed a car was behind me that looked like his. Then it pulled up beside me. It was him. I didn't look over, though. I couldn't bear to. So I don't know what his faisl expression was or what, but I saw it was him from the corner of my eye. We went down the same exit, except he was going left while I was going right. I could see from my peripheral vision that he was looking at me. But like I said, I couldn't bear to look at him.
So this week I was on vacation. I thought it'd be the perfect thing to get my head clear. But I've thought about him the whole week, and I've even had multiple dreams with him in them.
Next week is County Fair Week. I might see him there.
The week after, College is starting back up and then I'll be seeing alot of him and I just don't know what to do

 

[jkearson]

Next update. Like I previously said, this week is fair week. I've seen him three times. He's been in the same group of friends with me. But he hasn't said anything to me. Tonights the last night, should I be the one to say something? And what should I say?

 

[Blueboy369]

Tonight I want you to have a great time. Say hi and then ignore him. Find someone else in your circle to goof around with, play fight and be buddys with. Show him that you don't need him because you can find another best friend in a minute. Be confident and enjoy yourself. I'm sure he will notice the new confident you and that your ,some what, ignoring him. I bet you will soon be getting his attention again. By the way, just because you care about him doesn't mean you can't find someone else to care about. Have fun, be confident and, trust me, he will notice.

 

[jkearson]

I think that may be some of the best advice I've heard. I just hope I can man up enough to at least say hi. I haven't been able to talk to him, even though I'd planned on it. I just get this lump in my throat and can't say what I want to. I'll be sure to try that tonight.

 

[Robster]

jkearson, I'm in a pretty similar situation to this except the shoe is on the other foot. That's why I'm actually on this site. I'll be honest with you, he is probably a little scared. He might be thinking that the whole friendship has been completely different than what he had deemed it was (cause in a way, it was very different from his perspective than yours). I think it's safe to say, he's straight (smacking your ass is pretty innocent, I'd easily do it to any guy). You can't do anything to change his lack of interest in men so there can never be a sexual relationship. Once both you and him both know that, the friendship can truly begin again. You never know, he may have cooled off by the time you're back in college.

It's a shit scenario to be in but don't beat yourself up about it. Hope I helped in some way buddy,
Rob.

 

[anchihiro]

I'm sorry but i would just move on. There's plenty of guys/girls who will be your friend or something more.

This one is not comfortable with the friendship anymore. It hurts, and it will take time.

 

[USEDCAR]

jkearson, i was through the same situation a few months ago became friends with this guy we joked around,flirted he would get upset if i don't talk to him etc. It was so bad even people at work started thinking he had a thing for me make. We hung out and i told him how i felt about him. He said hes not gay and a bunch of other stuff. But he still continue acting the same. Make a long story short my ex bestfriend started dated him behind my back and it caused so much drama between the 3 of us they broke up and we stopped being friends. My ex bestfriend and i tried to fix our friendship but it was too hard it dint feel the same anymore and i was too pissed at her. So we don't talk as much anymore me not talking to him its one of the best things ever and my feelings for him quickly left also.

Im telling you let it go you may cry you may punch the pillow. You may have nightmares but its not worth it. All your going to do is stress your self out and go crazy and get hurt at the end. If he wanted to be your friend he would make an effort and be your friend delete his number. Delete him off facebook and stop worrying about him and focus on making new friends

 

[jkearson]

I know it's been a while but heres the update
Things are actually.. Going smooth. He even texted me the other day. We talk when we see each other. It's almost the way things were before.
I know you probably don't care, but I'm just posting this to say that even if you make a big mistake with a guy, there's always a chance you can fix it. I'm proof of that. Haha.