Move in with bf, or stay at home? Help :(

[subwulf]

I need help with a very difficult decision I’m facing. Move in with my bf or stay at home??

I am 23 and my bf/hubby is 54. We live about an hour apart and we've been dating for a bit over four years (gasp.) Besides the few planned getaways a year, I get to spend usually Friday night through Monday morning with him. Right now I am still living at home with my folks, working, and in college full time. I am in a difficult situation where I want to move in with him but I feel I’m stuck at home. Moving in with him would require:
1. Leaving my family stranded when they need my help
2. Coming out to my dad which I do know I need to do eventually

I feel I am slighting both myself and my boyfriend by still living at home. When my bf and I met, things were much different. I had a lot of free time and was able to see him really whenever I had the chance. Now I get to see him half of what I was able to before and plans of me moving in have all but been shattered. We all know life is short and I want to spend as much time with him as I can. We have the talk about “Leaving home and creating a new life with your partner” quite often. I am just torn by the situation and really can’t make up my mind myself.

More….

My brother is a couple years older than me and has a 2 year old daughter(His ex-wife left and took off, she’s mental.. long story). Jasmyn(my niece) is the sweetest thing that’s happened to my family in a long time but unfortunately it’s as much work as it is a pleasure. My whole family, save my dad, works and we each pretty much have to make sacrifices to make sure we all have time for her and to baby-sit her. Most of the time, I am the babysitter since I work less than the rest and my school schedule is fairly convenient for it. Jasmyn is enrolled in day-care and goes once in a while. We can’t really afford to keep her there as often as we would normally need. So almost every weekday I am babysitting her, the days I work mainly are the days she is in day care.

My dad has dementia and needs to be watched too sometimes. Most of his decisions are normal but once in a while the signs of his disease are very obvious. He is not able to baby-sit my niece by himself as he almost needs a babysitter himself. He does take care of my parent’s finances and my brother and I do our best to try to make sure they’re done right.

My attempt to clarify my options:

I move in with my boyfriend, and live the life I feel I’ve earned and deserve. I would get to finish school on my own time and actually get to find a decent job where I want. This does involve moving. My bf and I would ideally like to move to the southwest – NV,NM,TX one of those states. I am currently in Ohio and my bf is in Michigan. The best part would be I would get to go to sleep with and wake up next to the man I love every day.

My family would need to find a way to get along without me. They’d need to find some extra money to get Jasmyn into daycare full time. My mom and dad would need to find a way to make it on their own without my help. And my mom would need to find a way to get along with out me as well. I didn’t mention before but I am my mom’s best and pretty much only friend due to my dad. I am constantly reminded by all of my family members that I am the glue that holds the family together. Whenever I mention moving out I can see panic in my family’s eyes and tears well up in my mom’s.

I would also have to come out to my dad whom would most likely tell his side of the family. And they would likely disown me because they’ve been known to do so for less(They’re strict Muslims btw.) And a whole lot of other mess.

Or

Continue living at home pretty unhappily for other reasons unnamed as well. Keep struggling to divide my time between my bf, my family, my work, and my school. Continue slighting my boyfriend and I whom I feel deserve better. But at the same time maintain sanity in my family.

I feel I am taking on a burden that I didn’t help create. Also it seems that if things don’t change there won’t be any real end in sight to it either. There area ton of other factors on both sides of the equation that I would mention but I don’t want this post to turn out a book(If I haven’t yet made it one already).

What would you guys do in my situation?

 

[HungLawboy27]

Sounds like you have some decisions to make. I think that you have to do whats right for you. This is your life and you have the right to do with as you want. I know you dont want to hurt your family in any way, but maybe if you move it will force change and you would be surprised what people are capable of when they have to do certain things. Good Lucky with everything and wish you the best for you and your family!

 

[KaraBulut]

You're 23. If you were in a straight relationship and you were moving in with your spouse, would this even be an issue?

 

[Scooter]

it sounds like an issue..take a look at the "gasp"

 

[subwulf]

If I were to go to school as much as I wanted to without all of the other parts of equation, I'd probably be able to get done in 2 years. I already have a decent degree and would be able to get an ok job with it. I'm not satisfied with what I have though. My degree is a compsci degree and my current scope of what jobs I could do is pretty narrow compared to what it would be after I finish school.

 

[FLGG2007]

Although it's true that life's short, there are some situations that call for sacrifice. This might be one of those situations. It sounds as though you feel as though you're "locked in" right now. It also sounds as though you're close with your family. Before you make a move, you're going to have to determine what your guilt level is going to be if you leave your family right now. If it's too high, moving with your bf will not be the joy you're thinking it will be.
Personally, I couldn't handle that. Just another point of view. Think it all through.

 

[sixthson]

I think your post, like many others that seek advice from fellow JUBbers, is a good example of one that really has the answers in it among all the questions. It's just a matter of YOU sorting it out.
You have covered it all very well and you know that you cannot live your life for anyone else and you cannot be governed by guilt, either. I understand your committment to your family. If you wait until all the family issues are resolved, where will you be then? How many years of your life will it take? You are no more being selfish by living your own life than any other person at your stage of life.
Your father's dementia is likely to last for many years. You cannot change that. Your brother's daughter is his responsibility and he will have to own up to it if you are not there. Mothers often weep over the loss of their children as they grow up. She will survive and you can remain good friends, even if you don't see her every day.

You don't want to be 40 or 50 and look back on your life with regrets and you don't want to become bitter. Living your own life is not about leaving your family without your support, but you also have an obligation/right to make an independent life of your own. You will always be there for your family, just not the way you are now. The better your education, the more likely you will be to help them financially in the years ahead.

You have some difficult decisions to make. I think you already know which are the right ones.

Peace.

 

[spiderhead]

I say move in with him.

I personally come from a large family. I was raised by a single mother who had six children with my father, who made a ton of money but left us when we were young so mom was stuck fending for herself and her kids.

Everything was so complicated. There was always, and there's still always, something to worry about with the family. All of my siblings and I got jobs pretty much as soon as we could and were paying rent to keep whatever place we happened to be in at the time. There was always this pressure of family obligation.

Eventually, you just have take care of your own needs. I ventured off and it was pretty hard for me to go through school and get a job and all of that, but now things are a lot more settled for me and I'll probably be able to help my mom out a lot more as a result.

You'll probably save a lot of money living with your boyfriend and if he's anything like mine, he'll want you to work and always support your endeavors.

 

[subwulf]

Thanks everyone for your advice. Money really isn't an issue on my side. If I were to move in with my bf I'm sure I would be able to afford everything I need to. I don't think I'd be much help in providing financial help for the rest of my family anytime soon though. I do have a lot of student loans that will be calling my name as soon as I stop attending school full time.

As for the decision, it sounds like right now is just a bad time to be looking at the situation. Right now seems to be the worst of the worst and things seem like they could get a bit better. I appreciate everyones advice and I think I will attempt to take a step forward and try to find a happy median. I don't think there's a truly happy median but maybe a 'happier than now' median.

 

[KaraBulut]

You're 23. If you were in a straight relationship and you were moving in with your spouse, would this even be an issue?

it sounds like an issue..take a look at the "gasp"

A straight couple who had been together four years would not defer a relationship because of all of these family complications. You're 23. A 23 year-old is entitled to their own life.

I think your post, like many others that seek advice from fellow JUBbers, is a good example of one that really has the answers in it among all the questions.

Sixthson is correct- and your answer is right here:

I feel I am slighting both myself and my boyfriend by still living at home.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Hey guys, to be fair to the family, a "straight relationship" would still fall under the same scrutiny if the couple were moving far away out of state. Subwulf wants to move to Texas or New Mexico with his boyfriend (he currently lives in Ohio). He would never see his family except on visits. This is not good if he has to come out to his father at the same time. What would his father think? His son is gay AND abandoning him? That's a surefire way to destroy his relationship with his dad and devastate his mother.

Subwulf, you are entitled to your own life. But you also know your family needs you. Not just wants you. Needs you. I know you've been in a relationship with this guy for a long time but what if it doesn't work out? Will you stay in Texas or Nevada? Or go back? Could you go back after abandoning your family? What kind of impression would you make on your niece?

Finish school so you can get the degree you want for the job you need. Come out to your dad FIRST before eloping with an older man (remember they have to also get over the age part). Make sure you can secure a job in your new state that will allow you to pay financial assistance to your family back at home. If your boyfriend can't afford your financial independence then he needs to wait until you can do it yourself.

Look at it this way. You're only an hour apart from your boyfriend. It's an inconvenience but you can still see him when you want to. But this plan of yours would deny your family that right with you. Rethink it.

Take my advice. I did this, and now I'm single in a state that is not home to me. I miss my family.

 

[thewiz]

You are in a difficult place and, unfortunately, it is not going to get any easier anytime soon. Having gone through some of what you are (but not all at once!) I can empathize.

First, you have to live your life, not someone else'. When your father passes, Jasmyn is in school, and everyone else has moved on in life, you will still have yours....will it be of your own making or will you have been a victim of everyone else' making? Some could think it is cruel, but you also have a life ahead of you and are as entitled to comfort and happiness as everyone.

I would start by having a talk with your father and mother. His dementia is not going to get any better; his moods and other persona may change as the disease progresses and who knows how he will react then. Just as humor, maybe he'll forget all about it after you tell him! Your mother seems like a sweet person who sees her world turning upside down. She may welcome your candor and honesty; you might be surprised she already knows more than she lets on.

Before my mom's cancer claimed her, it began robbing her of her mind. Some days were great; some days were an absolute drain. I like to remember the great ones and the drains are slowly erasing from my memory. But I didn't live with her; I just took a turn caring for her. You find yourself in the role of a parent to your niece and a parent to your father more and more.

Next would be a conversation with your partner to be. If he loves you, he has to understand that you love your family and I would think could put off a move to another part of the country until you are able to finish school and perhaps resolve some of the family issues. However, I might consider moving in with him if only to give you some space from the pressure that is building and will continue to build around you. Your weekends away may be serving that need now; don't underestimate the stress you are under.

Your niece might enjoy going on the short trip with you to his house; kids love to learn and experience new places and things. I'm not sure where he lives in Michigan but it may offer some change in pace (unless it's downtown Detroit or other parts of Michigan of which I am all too familiar! Ha..ha..!)

Any move should be planned and you should both have a part in that decision. I can't imagine making a snap move but sometimes those things do open. It's just that you have to decide if the move would be right for you, him, and those you love.

You may also want to check into a support group and perhaps a hospice. It's never too early to learn what options are available as your dad progresses. The whole family may need to go together to counseling because so much is uncharted. The more you can be ready, the better you will be.

I don't envy you of the decisions that you are making; we start out in life being cared for by our parents and as life goes by, we find that we become the caregivers; the roles reverse.

 

[theblackajah]

Perhaps it's time for everyone else around you to grow up.

I mean, seriously, you seem to be the youngest one... and yet you're the one taking care of everyone else.

It's your brother's daughter, let him deal with the consequences of his decisions.

Your mother should be taking care of your dad, along with government disability benefits if he qualifies.

And you are not obligated to be your mother's only friend.

I'd say stop letting others leech off of your life, your efforts, and throw yourself a bone!

 

[JayHawk]

Your family should not disown you but what should happen rarely does.

You have to brace yourself for the fact you may alienate your family from you for good simply based off one act of truthfulness.

Currently you have a little of both worlds you desire. Yet I wonder why your BF would pressure you to abandon your family. Essentially I am asking whether you are the impetus behind this choice or he is. If he is then I would question his loyalty to you if he would push you away from your flesh and blood. If it is yours then maybe that family bond isnt as strong as you think.

On the BF side of things:
Would your BF leave you eventually if you dont fly the coup? If so then why would you give up so much for someone unable or afraid to wait for you?

On the family side:
I have relatives that want nothing to do with me because of my sexual orientation or because of my military career. I feel no loss. So you have to question if your soul is worth propping up their love IF your family will not accept you as you are and as who you are.

I dunno there are too many questions I could not answer unless I was in your shoes. However the best I can tell you have a few options.

I would stay at home to help and yet I would come out to my family. If the BF waits then school is over in a few years and the young niece is in gradeschool. Then you move on and find your paradise somewhere else with your BF.

If the BF doesn't wait or becomes frustrated because you wont abandon your family then you know where his loyalty actually sits - with himself.

If your family cast you out because your gay it will hurt like the world is ending but your guilt will be a damn site less as you go on with your life because you will have done nothing wrong.

So in the end you have a very difficult path to take. However you must make a decision of some sort so do it the best you can and don't blame yourself for others reactions. No one is atlas.

 

[drhladnjak]

I kind of agree with theblackajah, although not quite so extremely. It really is your brother's responsibility to care for his daughter. Yes, it's nice if you help out, but you're not really obligated to do so.

I'd urge you to take things one step at a time. If you move in with your boyfriend, move far away and come out to your dad all at once, it's just going to be too much at once. Coming out to your dad is probably first priority. Next, it would probably be good to live with your boyfriend locally before moving away with him. Moving in with somebody full-time is very different than spending every weekend there. You want to make sure the two of you can share a household together before you run off to some faraway place where you'll know nobody but him. Is it possible for you to move in with your boyfriend either in your home town or closer to it, such that you'd be able to still help out your family more often? At least for a year or two.