Moving on quickly but feels right

[ratmac]

Hi all,

So I have recently come out if a 4 year relationship with a guy. We've ended things amicably but I ended things due to constant promises of change and a few other ongoing issues.
I was disconnected for the last few months (at least the last 6 months) so ending things was not overly difficult for me, the conversation and devestating someone who really loved me was the difficult part. I hated that part but I couldnt keep going the way it was.
This was around 2 months ago.

So I was in a pretty good space and thought I would see what the scene was like out there in the gay app world within a month.
I very quickly started chatting with someone and we went out for a drink, I've never had a better "date" with someone and we agreed to catchup the week after.
Plenty of texting back and forth and earlier in the week I went to his place and we again talked for hours and before I knew it, it was time to go home with work the next day.

We didn't sleep together but given that it was late that was really the only thing stopping us, kissed him before I left but we knew we couldn't do anything it was just too late. At which point we made a plan to see each other later in the week.

Our conversations drifted between light hearted and really understanding each other, oddly similar life paths which is something I didn't share with my ex. I feel like I need to prepare myself for the possibility of this becoming something more, I don't want to go too far then decide it's not a good idea.

You often hear that people have rebounds and they don't often work well so I am a bit concerned about that happening.

I feel like this guy and I have a real connection and I feel it's genuine, not just trying to move on since my breakup was not paticularly painful or hard for me to go through.

What's everyone's thoughts on this senario, should you just go for it or avoid getting into something?

 

[Ambition92]

I find that usually your instincts can be pretty spot on. If deep down you feel you share more of a connection with this guy and it isn't just a way to rebound then absolutely go for it. Otherwise you'll never know. All the best!!

 

[Briacon429]

If it feels right, go for it! I met my husband when I was on the rebound, and I felt almost exactly the way you described.

My advice is basically to take it one step at a time: there’s nothing wrong with moving fast if it feels right. Maybe it’ll turn into something serious (as it did with me!) and maybe not... but I agree with Ambition92, you’ll never know unless you try!

Oh, and make sure you steer clear of your ex. It sounds like you already are, but I’ve had exes reappear later on, which is not a good thing if you’re trying to build a new relationship of your own.

 

[KaraBulut]

...
You often hear that people have rebounds and they don't often work well so I am a bit concerned about that happening.

I feel like this guy and I have a real connection and I feel it's genuine, not just trying to move on since my breakup was not paticularly painful or hard for me to go through.

What's everyone's thoughts on this senario, should you just go for it or avoid getting into something?

What you're describing isn't rebound. It's just meeting someone and going out a couple of times.

You're overthinking this and you're tainting a potential relationship with a past relationship. Stop that.

 

[mcbrion]

I don't think the self-reflection that you're doing is ever wrong: you want to be sure your dating so soon is not merely to distract yourself from the pain of the last relationship. That's a wise way to proceed. Many rebounds are for the purpose of ignoring the pain they would be feeling if they thought about the last relationship and carrying that "baggage" into the next relationship. It's a form of escape from having to feel anything at all that is "negative" (as if feeling pain is a bad thing) - to use a line from 'Call Me By Your Name,' which had a beautiful scene that addressed people trying to avoid feeling pain, a natural consequences of having an open heart.

I also don't see that as "tainting" as Karabulut put it. Just means you're awake enough to question yourself before meeting other men and getting involved. A great many people never do that. You sound like your heart and mind are clear, whatever sadness you might feel for letting the other person go. Not at all the same thing as "rebound." And the fact that you and this new gentleman in your life had " conversations drifted between light hearted and really understanding each other, oddly similar life paths which is something I didn't share with my ex," sounds like you are both having a "conscious" connection, not just a superficial one ("oh, he's so cute, and I love the sex") that later turns out to be, " I found out we had VERY different values, and it was a gap between us we couldn't bridge, so now we're not dating anymore..'' (or something along those lines). There's overthinking and there's self-reflection. You sound like you've done the second and are just wanting to make sure you're not one of those sad cases who gets into a relationship for the wrong reason. You sound as though you're a thoughtful person. I can understand where you were coming from in your former relationship.
Your heart sounds open and welcoming: good luck with this newer, "more conscious," guy. It sounds like you're both operating on a pretty high level.

 

[ratmac]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I really just wanted to check before pursuing anything that I wasn’t going to go into it then realise it was a rebound, this guy is incredibly sweet and the last thing I would want to do is hurt him or lead him on. In this case though I think what I’m experiencing is purely based off him and not my past experiences, I genuinely enjoy chatting, texting and spending time with him.
I will just strap in for the ride and enjoy the experience for what it is, treat it like normal dating without the nagging thought that I was using someone to get over my ex even if I didn’t realise it.

 

[hotscenic]

Keep on going with this guy I say . Perhaps establish what you like doing together and if you have a few things in common like appreciating art? like fine dining and particulary entertaining ? or it could be even motor bikes or you could both be car enthusiasts. Its more than just sex and good looks /body you know. Dont forget also that if this assoiation with each other goes on for a while you both need to move forward together also. Trust also your other gay friends and if they are good friends seek their advice and listen to their' gossip' so to speak . Its all very helpful and the advice from a good female friend if you have one , is valuable too . I have a good female friend who is gay friendly and I find her views and advice good. if information is all positive and exciting I say go for it in a big way.

 

[ratmac]

Things have actually been going incredibly well. We have been doing more things together and getting more and more comfortable with each other.

Definitely feel the same way about each other and having someone who can be really open and honest with me.

Pretty excited about where it's all heading so I'm really happy I proceeded with this.

 

[Seasoned]

Best wishes! I suggest you check for any up to now hidden similarities between your ex and this guy. I know their personalities are different but wondering if there’s anything they have in common.

 

[ratmac]

So an update on this... yeh was a rebound haha.
Funnily enough though it turns out that I was his rebound. He had been out of the relationship for 7 months but was still pretty hung up on the ex, I don't think he wants to be with the ex but he was still holding onto too much baggage and he started to project his concerns onto me.
Things went a bit off when he got really interested, I went along with it then he backed away, I tried to keep things going well but it was too late.

I don't think he realised that he hadn't moved on properly but he does not appear to be very self reflective or aware of his own feelings.

It was sad but what he showed me and shows to the world is not really who he is. I don't feel like he tried to deceive, he just doesn't really know his genuine self so I can only hope the next person is a little more wise than I was.