My 8 year relationship is in tatters and I decided to blame covid

[davematenz]

My partner Juan and I are (were) a mixed race couple. We live in separate houses but were seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week and talking every day. I love him and am also totally sexually attracted to him. During covid, we were in different lockdown zones, and were unable to see each other for an extended period. NZ was still doing some lockdowns early 2022

On the morning of Valentines Day 2022, my partner sent me a message on messenger.

Juan : Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you find one today.

I thought, thats strange he's got the grammar wrong or something there. I rang him.

DaveMate : (laughing) I thought I already have a Valentine. (more laughing).

Juan laughed along too, but on reflection it wasn't his usual chatter. A couple of days passed. Communication was less than normal, but I didn't think anything of it.

Next phone call.

Juan : Dave, sorry but Ive met someone else. I'm going to be phoning you less often from now on (still in lockdown and people in that same zone could see each other). We've seen each other twice. He's nice. The conversations are better. No covid. No big arguments about Trump. He drives a sports car. The sex is good ....

Apparently everything I ain't.

DaveMate : You've seen each other twice? Are you sure?

Juan : Yep. One day after another. He must have enjoyed what I did with him. (laugh)

DaveMate : Well .... (in shock) ... sounds like you've found someone better. Better phone him to arrange another meeting. (said with quivering lips)

Juan : You've changed.

DaveMate : I've changed? (angrily) How?

Silence

DaveMate : (crying) How have I changed? WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME?

Silence

DaveMate : How? DID YOU EVER LOVE ME? (sobbing)

Silence

DaveMate : WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER?

Juan : We can still see each other, once covid is gone. I will test more often. It's just that I'm rearranging my priorities.

I didn't like the sound of this at all. Juan was mine. I didn't want to share him and I didn't want to think of him making love to somebody else. I guess I'm pretty easy to manipulate and am inclined to go along with things to please him, because I love him (or maybe like the sex?). So I went along with it. But of course it was always going to cause problems. 100% probability. When I saw him (shortly afterwards lockdown finished) or talked to him, the first question was always, did you see your new friend today? I was thinking about it all day, and got depressed. If he said No, I cheered up, if he said Yes, I sulked. It was kind of mental torture. It went on for about 3 months. Sometimes he wouldn't see the other guy for a couple of weeks (or so he said), and I thought the phase was ending. It had been by far the worst time of our relationship. YES I KNOW. Why didn't I leave him?

Anyway, one day a mutual friend, also gay, asked me to drive him to another town for some shopping. I accepted and told Juan. He blew his stack. Later he cancelled a dinner date we had arranged. This led to the biggest argument ever.


DaveMate : You have no right to tell me who I can and can't see, considering what you've been doing. A big rant ensued, and at the end I said That's it I'm leaving. Ive had enough of this shit.

We didn't speak or see each other for 3 weeks. Then I made a big mistake. I went to check up on him. Next minute we're in bed together. Gotta be honest. It was great. Juan immediately assumes that we're back together. I wasn't convinced, and said so. But he continued acting like we were. Resuming contact, being extra nice, buying me gifts, taking me out. I'm pretty sure he didn't see the other guy in this period. Things were back to being good and I sighed with relief. This despite the fact that he let slip that he'd been seeing this other guy since December 2021, 2 months before what he originally said.

About 4 weeks later, I said I'd like to go out for lunch and then we could go to the sauna. He wanted to change the day. Then he complained that the restaurant I had chosen was too far away, and he wanted something closer to the sauna. I said I'd be at the restaurant at midday. He wanted it earlier. We arrived in separate cars. From the restaurant to the sauna, he was about 300 metres in front of me then disappears. I arrived at the Sauna, and saw Juan's friends car there. I parked and waited for Juan to arrive. Still no sign. 10 minutes later, Juan's friend, who I didn't realise was even in his car, does a u-turn and speeds off. Another 5 minutes later Juan arrives. It was all very strange.

As another week went by, Juan was getting more and more distant again. Half-mast erections, tired, and a faked orgasm. I knew what was up.

Yesterday I phoned him and called the whole thing off. Pretty devastated to be honest.

Thanks for reading.

 

[KaraBulut]

So, there's a saying in the US: "They're not singing from the same hymnal".

Reading through your post, that saying came to mind. The post started with the term "partner" but the question that came to mind by the end of reading your post was, "Did the partner know he was a 'partner'?

There's a lot of signs that either the other person thought this was more "friends with benefits" or it was an open relationship type arrangement. On the other hand, jealousy and getting upset sends a mixed message - as in, "It was a casual relationship but I still am jealous that you were hanging out with someone else..."?

The bottom line to this situation is that communication is important. As corny as it sounds, at some point when you're dating someone, it really becomes necessary to have the "state of the relationship" talk. By the end of the discussion, everyone should be clear on whether it's casual dating, exclusive dating, a committed relationship and what the degree of monogamy is that everyone has agreed to. It gets rid of the confusion and it gives everybody a chance to say what their expectation is. And yes, hopefully at the end, everyone is singing from the same hymnal.

You didn't really ask for advice, so maybe this thread was just to get everything off your chest. Hopefully, it helped to tell the story?

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to second that. It's necessary to be explicit about monogamy and dating. Vague statements and worse, unspoken assumptions are just a train wreck waiting to happen.

I wasn't clear either on what exactly the status of your relationship was. It didn't sound like you were very sure either.

How is it that after eight years of relationship you neither lived in proximity, nor saw each other every day?

I confess that when I read that title, I thought this was going to be about being locked up together. Since that's what myself and a lot of people had to deal with. I went from having a partner that was out of town 2/3 of the time, to being at home together all the time, not even going in to the respective office - and that was a big shift, but at least we were both there, endlessly, to talk it through.

I think you need some of that endless talking about the state of things so you can move along. Otherwise, I suspect you'll just keep going back.

 

[davematenz]

Good points guys. Thanks.
I certainly thought of us as partners, but rereading my descriptions, maybe we weren't, really.

 

[cabinfever]

I have to agree with the other advice you got. In retrospect - do you think he might have considered it a strictly or mostly sexual relationship - friends with benefits?

I also think communication and clarity (to yourself and him) would be essential at this time in order to move forward.

 

[rareboy]

Sounds like you are better off away from one another. To be honest, it doesn't even sound like you had much in common besides sex.

Life is too fucking short for a relationship filled with disagreements and drama. You may think it is necessary somehow, but it sounds like you both need to mature emotionally.

 

[davematenz]

... it sounds like you both need to mature emotionally.

It's what happens when you post in the 'woe is me' phase, a few hours after a breakup.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's what happens when you post in the 'woe is me' phase, a few hours after a breakup.

It did seem like you were venting a bit. That's ok- this forum is for getting things off your chest, too.