My amazing night, but now what?

[insensato]

Ok so I was browsing members on faceparty and came across a guy from where from Dundee where I live and he was super hot and openly gay, on his faceparty profile it had a link to his bebo, and I noticed it said he was a student in dundee (turns out he's at abertay and im at uni of dundee) so I messaged him on bebo just sorta saying hey and asking what he studies and stuff. I was kinda shocked when 10 minutes later he'd messaged back, we continued chatting through mail on bebo for about an hour then I asked him for his msn addy and he gave it to me, we chatted for another couple hours until about 8pm and he was saying that he wanted to go out in town but didnt have anyone to go with, so I half jokingly/half seriously said I would go with him, it turns out he gets the same bus as I do so we agreed to meet on the bus.

We went to the students union and had a few drinks and a couple games of pool then went to a nightclub and on the way to the club he asked me if I was gay, I told him I was but wasn't out and didnt want to be, he totally understood and we went to the club and had a few drinks, met some cool people and had a dance and stuff.

then we were walking home and he was saying how he couldnt believe that we'd only met each other online a few hours earlier and now we were out in town together, as we were walking down the street towards the taxi rank he put his arm around me, we were both drunk and I didn't mind too much, then we went and sat on some steps and were just chatting and stuff waiting for a taxi, we decided to go sit on the steps round the back of this church before getting a taxi, we sat there holding each other and kissing for an hour and a half then at the back of 4am we went and got our taxi.

it was so romantic and he's such an awesome guy and sooo cute but its been 2 weeks now and Ive not seen him again even though he's been texting me and asking to meet up. I just amn't ready to come out and dont want to lead him on by getting into a relationship with him when Im not willing to be open about it but i really dont want to lose him.

The other big bombshell is that I'm christian and have a lot of christian friends. I know you'll say that they're not real friends if they'd fall out with me if i came out but they're amazing friends and I love them and couldnt face losing them. My heads all over the place because being gay and christian is a bit of a conflict of interests. I just dont know what to do

 

[insensato]

Well, we've had a few discussions about gay people before. They just said that all sins are equal in the eye's of God, so being gay is no worse than stealing or lying, it's just more of a social taboo. The last time we spoke about it one of my friend said that gay people need to be loved just like everyone else. So I know they would accept me, but I feel as though it would just be a token gesture if you know what i mean. Like they'd be making out that its not any worse than any other sin but really they'd be thinking I'm a terrible person and therefore they wouldnt want to be friends with me. Plus, if they found out they'd never drop it, they'd be constantly trying to "cure" me.

 

[Eagle653]

I'm sorry to say that if your friends equate being gay with lying and stealing and one of the "minor sins" you have a problem. Without getting into a long protracted discourse on the flaws in interpreting the Bible from the ancient Greek, let alone the inconsistencies in people's interpretations of it (that's what we have the Religion and Spirituality forum for), I will just tell you that there are many here who have a happy co-existence with their Christian faith and do not feel a conflict of interest in the least. What it boils down to is your personal relationship with God.

Anyhow, apart from that, follow your instincts and YOUR desires on this. If you feel this guy is a good catch for you, then go for it. Take care of that business first. You can figure out how to navigate your friends later.

Once you need/want to deal with your friends, you need to do a couple of things: 1) Ask which is more important to you--finding love and/or developing a relationship you know is right for you, or "behaving" to meet their approval? I know I've phrased this in a loaded way, but you get the point. You cannot continue to live your life through their eyes and to their expectations. You can only be happy by living up to your own expectations.

2) Figure out exactly how they're going to take this. Remember that it could be that they have this "sinner" and "not a big sin" mentality because they really don't know any gay people. To them, "gayness" is an abstraction. As such, it's easy to believe all sorts of stuff about it, and people just usually default to attitudes of others, their elders, what they *think* the Bible says, etc. If they know you and love you as a friend, perhaps knowing you're gay will open their eyes. Hey, he's a good guy; he's a Christian; he's my friend; hmmm, maybe I need to rethink gays and what gay is. (Then again, maybe they'll hate you and reject you. I'm just accenting the positive.)

3.) Are you strong enough to stand up to your friends and risk their rejection? Can you survive? Of course you can, but it wouldn't be pleasant or easy, I know. But, friends who cannot accept the true you and not worth keeping in the long run. Your goal in life is to be accepted and surrounded by people who validate you and believe in you. That's what happiness is all about. Sometimes you need to spin off the dead wood or people who seem like friends now, but aren't in it for you come thick or thin. But, I'm getting pessimistic again. You really haven't given them a chance to know the real you and accept you, so don't write them off until they prove themselves as false-friends, or very "conditional" friends.

Hey, good luck. I hope this works out for you. Keep in touch with us and let us know what happens.

 

[sunshinesteve]

think of how it would make your God feel if you walked away from happieness out of the fear of what others would think......

 

[Homoerectus]

All Christians are sinners which is why they are continuously seeking redemption. There are churches which cater to gays. Find one and talk to the minister about your conflicts.

 

[silentalk]

You have to discuss your feelings with the guy...

One more thing: If you lose this one, it might take you years to find someone else. Do a lot of thinking, but make sure the guy understands where you stand.

I would say that you can have him in a relationship and still stay in the closet till you are ready to come out or something. Why not???

Again, make sure the guy understands!

One thing is certain, if you keep ignoring him, you will lose him...

 

[Diodorus]

There is a Rufus Wainwright song "Going to a Town" that has the following lyric.
"Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved?
Tell me, enough of thinking everything that you've done is good
I really need to know, after soaking the body of Jesus Christ in blood. I'm so tired of America"

I personally found that lyric very spiritual and profound. See what you think.

 

[rareboy]

The other big bombshell is that I'm christian and have a lot of christian friends. I know you'll say that they're not real friends if they'd fall out with me if i came out but they're amazing friends and I love them and couldnt face losing them. My heads all over the place because being gay and christian is a bit of a conflict of interests. I just dont know what to do

Jesus wept.

Jesus had nothing, nada, zero to say on the subject of homosexuality. Like so many others, you have let dogma dictate. Paul of Tarsus is just one chronicler of his times. The only one who had anything to say on the subject of mores. Did he say 'oh...and by the way, Jesus left some notes on this stuff before he was crucified.....'

If we are dishonest about who we are with our friends, then they aren't really our friends anyway. They're just a collective affinity. If they are real, honest to the core christians and not fundamentalist zealots, they will not only accept, but embrace who you are. It just sounds like you're afraid to put them and yourself to the test.

You're going to have a long and dreary life if you just keep not living it.

 

[insensato]

I understand what your saying, and maybe I do need to go back to my bible and read over it again for myself instead of just listening to what society claims the bible says on homosexuality.

But I disagree with you rareboy, I'm not living a dreary life and I'm certainly living my life, I just am not ready to come out, sure maybe one day I will. I guess I am taking the easy way out by saying I'm happy with my life the way it is just now. I'm not just content with my life, I love it the way it is and don't want to risk changing it.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You had an amazing time with a fantastic guy and now you're holding yourself back from seeing him again?

He won't wait forever. If you keep blowing him off, he will take the hint you're not interested. And then you will be alone and miserable again.

Who says you have to be "out" if you be with this guy? He's not pressuring you. Give yourself a chance to be gay. You know who you are. Don't sabotage yourself like this.