My attempt at a story. would like some feedback

[jamiem0426]

Hey, this was my first attempt at a story but I’ve lost basically all of it so this is all I could recover. There were at least three pages (front and back) but I’ve lost it.

The Camping Trip

It was a nice sunny day and Matt had decided to go hunting with his best friend Liam. They had all their stuff and were on their way to the first hut when Matt heard first heard a sound of a deer. After chasing after it for ages it finally got dark and they got lost so they decided to set up camp.

When Matt pulled out his sleeping bag, he was surprised when Liam said he had forgotten to pack his own. So Matt suggested they pool their body heat by sharing his sleeping bag which anyways was far too big for him alone. Liam waited for him to get into his pj's but unknown to him, Matt slept in his underwear. Matt was not to know that Liam also did the same.

With both bodies crammed together in the one sleeping bag they found themselves pressed against each other. All of a sudden Matt felt pressure on his leg. Feeling around he found it was Liam's hard cock but he ignored it and went back to sleep. However, some time later Liam woke up and felt Matt's cock up against his leg. He went off to sleep dreaming of Matt....

 

[miguelfukt]

good so far more details!

 

[rain09]

aww that sucks that you lost the 3 pages of your story! when you type it up make sure you save it on at least two different sources so you're safe from losing it.

What you have seems interesting, but I would definitely like seeing that story .

 

[jamiem0426]

would u be willing to edit it for me and change it to what u reckon would be better? some1 told me i need to stop mentioning their names over and over again so it flows....

i lost the most of it cos my parents found it and threw it out. so this is all i could remember from it.

 

[jamiem0426]

aww that sucks that you lost the 3 pages of your story! when you type it up make sure you save it on at least two different sources so you're safe from losing it.

What you have seems interesting, but I would definitely like seeing that story .

i didnt type it up originally. i handwrote it. If any1 wants to, can they give me an example of what to change?

 

[Autolycus]

would u be willing to edit it for me and change it to what u reckon would be better? some1 told me i need to stop mentioning their names over and over again so it flows....

i lost the most of it cos my parents found it and threw it out. so this is all i could remember from it.

i didnt type it up originally. I handwrote it. If anyone wants to, can they give me an example of what to change?

Your opening text has been edited. See how it is now and this will guide you for the next part.

Read some of the other stories here and see how you should expand your text.

Watch your spelling [use the spell checker provided] Also capitalize 'i' and don't use texting shortcuts as you are writing a story not using a cell phone to contact a friend.

 

[jamiem0426]

thanks. that seems much better. i'll try remember that when i rewrite it all again.

 

[jamiem0426]

thanks. iv always been good at english but this just seems to annoy the hell out of me, id like to be an author when i grow up but i cant quite get my head around it all. oh and btw the names Michael..

 

[Autolycus]

I think that allowing another to proofread and/or edit your work takes a bit of the fun out of it. It also muddles the glimpse into your mind as well.

You will find that most if not all professional writers use editors and proof readers. The art of proof reading is to eliminate errors, duplication, confusion [unless intended] and other matters that detract from the script. This is done in such a way that the author's intent is safeguarded as well as a protection against adverse criticism.

 

[jamiem0426]

Sorry, Michael. Your English is fine, it's actually better than mine. It would seem that you speak proper English. Me likey. Your writing is fine and I think that with a bit of practice and attention to detail that you'd do quite well in a few years' time. Have a safe and happy new year!

thanks. have a happy new year! i was the class dictionary at school, so im really good at spelling and grammer stuff. it just content and details that i need help with. i suppose more practice would help heaps. only i dont have much time to write anything

 

[xrph1670]

Michael-

Welcome to the forum. I just wanted to add my agreement with Autolycus. Grammar, punctuation, and capitalization are so important because they help clarify meaning. And having someone proofread is always a good idea to make sure that what you mean is what is understood.

Good luck. I look forward to reading your contributions. Happy New Year.

 

[jamiem0426]

as i keep saying, i was the school dictionary and teachers usually gave me work to mark for them..

P.S this story was a first for me. the thought for it came from my small "crush" for a friend and his best friend. so the names used in the story are real

 

[jamiem0426]

i wont b able to practice much cos i hardly ever get on the computer or time to myself cos my brother is always on the computer or im busy with other things/parents wont leave me alone.

Thanks everyone for everything. i'll add to this every chance i get!!

 

[jamiem0426]

Here's my another story that I worked on with a friend not long after I wrote the previous one, rather short but that was all we could think of at the time:

James was a particularly fit young lad, 18, 5'9, blonde hair. One day he and his girlfriend were going walking round the edge of a lake together. But James girlfriend remembered she hadn’t locked her front door, so she raced home and did that while James found a park bench to sit on. Suddenly a black guy came and sat down next to him; the black guy was bout 20, 6'1 and looked extremely fit. When the black sat down James couldn't help but stare at the bulge in his pants. "You looking at something" the black guy said.


"No, no" James replied and looked away. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the black guy rubbing his cock through his pants. James was hard himself by now. He looked away again, but when he looked for a third time he saw that the black guy had his cock completely out and was stroking it. James didn't move his gaze. "You like what you see boy?" the black guy asked.


"Your cock.... can I suck it" James stammered. The black guy put his pants around by his ankles and gestured for James to suck it. So James got on his knees and held the cock in his hands. It was the biggest he'd ever seen; it was 9 or 10 inches long and nearly 3inchs across. James slid his lips over the head of the penis and moved his tongue around the head. He had trouble with just that.
"Go on, take more" the black guy moaned. James lifts his head and says.

"I can’t, it's so dam big for me"

"I’ll help you “the black guy says. And lowers James’s head on to his cock. And with that he starts putting thrusts into James’s mouth. James chokes on every thrust. But gets a little more in every time. Eventually he is sucking on 8inches of the cock. And he puts his hand up the black guy’s shirt, only to fell that he has ripped abs. the black guy puts his hands on the back of James’s head. James can fell the power of his biceps on the back of his head. Eventually James fells the black guy start to tense up. He knows what’s coming next so he prepares himself. Within seconds the black guy creams down his throat. James tries to swallow it all but some trickles out his mouth. He licks it all up.

"Eh hm"!!! Startled James looks around to see his girlfriend standing behind him.

"What was that?" she says.

"I can expla..." James starts.

“That’s not how you suck cock" his girlfriend says. And she kneels in front of the black guy...

But that another story.

 

[DonQuixote]

Michael,
I enjoyed your vignettes; they certainly stimulate the senses.
I've included a lot more thoughts in a PM to you.
Thanks for taking your time to try and write stories to entertain us.