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My bf is so mad at me...

D

dezzab

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My partner and I have been together now for 5 years. We actually met on-line, he lived in the US and I in Australia. Anyway, he ended up moving to Australia to be with more, but after 1 and a half years, we decided to move to the States.

I have never told my parents that I was gay, but they have met him. Anyway, the other night I was talking to my mom on the phone and she started talking to my about my brothers girlfriend (who also happens to live in the States), and she said to me that I should find a nice girl... I said "I'm happy, I've found someone, you know that" she said "Who, Karen" (a friend of mine that lives in NZ). I said"no, you know who I mean". I ended up just ending the conversation. I told my partner about the converation and he got really mad! He has not really talked to me since, said he was depressed, and today just said he was really angry now and said it was up to me to fix it.

Any suggestions on how to handle this problem would be greatly appreciated... Also, do you think he is overreacting.

Thanks in advance.

ps: he is out to most of his family - minus on very religious aunt
 
This is a tough one to answer. On one hand I have sympathy for your BF because he wants and deserves to be recognized for who he is - your BF! On the other, no one should come out until they are good and ready. I think you and your man need to have a serious talk before this festers even further
 
Agreed. He has a right not to be happy, but he should also respect your sistuation, since coming out is difficult for some people and isn't a cake walk most of the time.

So in order to aknowledge his right to be recognized as your boyfriend and to express that coming out is something you need to work at maybe with his support, the best thing is to sit down and talk about it. Let him know that you understand that his recongition as your partner is important to you, that you're not ashamed of him.

But also let him know that you need time to handle the coming out process to your family members.
 
You went as far as implying it to your Mother, I think you really should have come out and directly told her. I think your bf is right in being hurt.
Do you love him? Are you proud of him?
I'm not one to tell people when to come out, but I don't know how much more ready you could be.
Letting people know you are gay is only part of it. The real issue is loving your man, honestly and openly.

Just my point of view...not trying to be critical.
 
Fix what?

Where is the communication. He hasnt made it clear what he is upset about.

Maybe he needs to grow up and communicate his feelings.
 
I had a boyfriend once that was very much in the closet - more than I was .. I was never acknowledged as his boyfriend around anyone who did not know he was gay. It really did hurt, so I know how your partner feels and I honestly think he is legitimately right in feeling that way.
 
He wants you to straigten (erherm) your mum's idea about your current (erherm) friendship. Make it plain that he's your boyfriend, and use that word in a clear and unequivocal manner. Your pussyfooting around your mom means she still doesn't want to believe you're gay, hence the constant reference to 'girlfriend'.

His reaction is understandable. He's upset that you're just storing problems with your family and him for future misunderstandings.
 
you just should tell your family you are gay.
he is your boyfriend so dont try to hide it.it doesnt feel nice.
 
I would think that after 5 years, you would get tired of the suggestions of finding a girlfriend etc., etc., and would just tell your family when it comes up. I would feel differently if you were both in the same situation but you're not.
 
dezzab I have sympathy for you, it isn't easy coming out and telling your parents. If you didn't do a very heavy imply it would be a different story about where you are in ready to come out. But you did do the very heavy imply. It doesn't make it any easier I know saying those words which get stuck on your tongue, but you should be ready to say them.

If I were you I would try to make up with my boyfriend right now (probally appologize), you shouldn't let this become a big deal just due to some jitters. You and him are punishing yourself over a near scrape. If you need personal support he is right there, have him holding your hand firmly next time you talk to mom :-)
 
Coming out feels nice. Think about it, all your problems here will be fixed by this. It's clear they won't think it's just 'a thing you're going through', because of how long you've been with your boyfriend. Won't it be nice to be able to show affection to him wherever you want?

Knuckle down, prepare the speech, grit your teeth and go to them.

I swear... It's worth it.
 
Jacobim said:
Knuckle down, prepare the speech, grit your teeth and go to them.

I swear... It's worth it.
Click to expand...

I'll agree with this.

I'm not sure I agree with the part about all of his problems being fixed, though. Sometimes, when you come out, you create a whole new set of problems. Actually, you don't create the problems yourself, everyone else frickin does. But it also depends on who you tell and how they feel about it.

However, yes, coming out feels sooooooo much better. And the problems that follow, if any at all, are just things you have to deal with the best way you know how. I agree with the sentiment of "It's worth it" because it really is. If people have a problem with it, then oh well, they have a problem with it. You get through that too.

My parents both died before I had a chance to tell them, although I know my dad knew, which is why he disowned me. I don't mean to scare you by telling you that, but sometimes those things happen. But all of the people I was able to come out to - friends, co-workers (we're a small, close-knit group and I wanted them to know) and the people that directly affect my life - accepted what I had to say. And except for a couple of homophobes that wanted nothing more to do with me (I got over that too) I felt so much better after that. The weight off your shoulders is tremendous.

As far as the bf goes, I agree with the others, find out exactly what he's pissed about. And if he is pissed about you not telling your mom straight up about him, just calmly explain to him that you're a little afraid of saying anything yet (I'm assuming that's what it is) and you'll tell them when you're ready. But at this point, I'd make it soon. I'd rather have my mom pissed at me than lose the man I love.
 
I'd be pissed off too if my boyfriend of five years wouldn't or couldn't tell his mother about us. Call your mother and tell her you have a boyfriend and apologize to your boyfriend.
 
Thanks for the advice. My upbringing was kind of weard - I lived with my grandma for the first 6 years of my life in a different country then my parents - and I have never been close to my parents. So the fact that I haven't come out to my parents is STUPID I know. My father is born in an eastern european country and has always been very homophobic while I was growing up (being told that I would be disowned if I was gay or if I ever married a black women). I must say that we seems to have mellowed out over the last couple of years, and I dont want to make excuses for myself...
Thanks again
D
 
I just noticed that you're 36. If you don't come out now, when?

Your boyfriend is so much more than your boyfriend. I assume you consider him your life parnter, your lover, your mate, your best friend.

All of our actions have consequences...some good, some not. But you are a man, you can deal with them. I understand how a childhood can mess you up for many years, but don't let that control you. Let others see you're proud to love your gay. Your first loyalty is to him. You can do it.

:D
 
Well, I think that you did try to come out. You certainly made an initial step.

The first time I tried to come out to my mother I sat up late into the night talking about everything except what I wanted to tell her. So I think I know how you felt on the phone.

The question is, are you ready to take the next step?
 
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