My boyfriend is bad with money

[onetimething]

I have been with my boyfriend now for 2.5 years. It is my first relationship ever with a man, and the longest relationship for either of us. He is more or less openly gay, and I am a closeted bisexual. We live a 15-20 minute walk from one another in NYC, and I am currently, rather suddenly, having to look for a new place to live. The relationship with my boyfriend comes into play as I do not want to live too far from him, and I have considered the idea of asking him to move with me. I have a good deal of reservations about living with a significant other, and him in particular, but the biggest one boils down to money.

My boyfriend's job pays around 5-10k more annually than does my own. His rent is around $150/month less and he does not have student loans to pay as I do. When I moved to NYC three years ago, I rather quickly due to not finding rapid employment, assumed debt and had no money to my name. Over the past 2.5 years however, after finding a job, I have been able to pay off my debt and save up a decent amount of cash, the the point that if I were cut off from any income tomorrow, I'd be "okay" for 5-6 months. The boyfriend however lives paycheck to paycheck, and for the very first time the other month, had to borrow money from me to clear his rent (although he paid me back within two days). I can't quite figure out where exactly his money is going. It's a touchy issue and I'm not quite sure how to approach it with him, but it makes me nervous.

As someone who cares for him, it makes ne nervous that he is putting no thought into his future (I should also point out that he is five years older than me). He does not contribute to his company's offered 401k program because he's convinced that it will somehow be drained or worthless by the time he needs it. He has issues with his eyes, to the point where it wouldn't surprise me or him if within 10-15 years, he is no longer able to work, and I'm just fearful that he's setting himself up for a life on the fringe, dependent on others, nearing poverty. He had to suddenly move out of his apartment the other year and he didn't have enough money to find a new place, until his roomie thankfully, returned his security deposit early. I just feel like, he's setting himself up for disaster.

As a potential roommate of course, his financial situation scares me as I feel if god forbid he were to lose his job tomorrow, he would have no way to pay rent.

I really just don't understand it. I don't earn a great salary and dont' scrimp and save every little penny. I eat out every so often, I go on a vacation or two each year, buy clothes every so often; so why has he been unable to put away any money? He does seem to spend a lot of money on food but beyond that, I can't quite figure out where it's going.

Has anyone else ever faced this issue? I really would like to talk to him about it but money is a very sensitive issue amongst people who become defensive when you question their spending habits.

 

[Saltwash]

As someone who just moved out of an apartment with a financially irresponsible person, DON'T LIVE WITH HIM.

 

[Just_Believe18]

The real question you should be asking yourself is: What is my future with a man like this?

I know you've been with him for awhile, he's your first serious relationship, and you love him, etc.; however, how many years do you expect to be with him?

Someone who isn't good with their money says a lot about their personality, priorities, and stability. Do you want to see yourself with a man who could potentially be broke, blind, and depressed? A man who thrives in excess of more than he has will go downhill very quickly when he loses his sight, job, and has no retirement to fall back on. He'll have to apply for disability, and then you'll have a partner who can barely pay for the groceries and utilities.

Think very carefully about this.

 

[rareboy]

^ Ouch.

But I have to agree.

I find it telling that you have been bf's for this long but haven't moved in together or, apparently even thought about it.

I find it telling that you are bothered by his financial situation but have never discussed it with him.

I don't see this being a particularly strong relationship and doubt if moving in together would be particularly wise on a number of fronts.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is going to be another painfully brutal response but it comes down to two choices:

1. Live apart and remain financially separate.
2. Make a commitment to unraveling this finances and developing a budget for a shared household before you move in together.

If you were a straight couple, the advice would be the same. However, for some reason gay men do have a little more trouble adjusting to the idea of shared finances. The problem with financially unsound partners is that they can ruin the credit of both persons. Unless the two of you are willing to open the books to your personal finances, there's not much chance for a shared future- short term or long term.

 

[racer2438]

your more respondsible and you can't risk him on a rental/lease contract. Let alone the utility bills. Save your self the hea ache and just get your own place. Dont co-sign anything for him and watch your hard earned money..

 

[altlover85]

I have some questions for you.

What did he say to you when he heard you would have to move to a new place? Is he very communicative in general? Do either of you ever stay over at the others place? Have you ever gone on vacation together? What is the longest you have ever spent at his place or vice-versa?

You want to make sure the relationship is solid before you move in because moving in together without really talking about it too much, just amplifies the issues of your current relationship and will bring up new ones.

I think talking to him about possibly moving in and finances would be great. You should also be thinking about coming out. I wouldn't want to live with (or even be in a relationship with someone) that was totally closeted. You being closeted may or may not be an issue with him as far as moving in goes.

 

[wooffy]

Obviously you need to talk with him about this, and express your concern. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just explain why you are worried.

One option (what we did when we bought the house) is to open a new joint bank account for all your household expenses, with a clear agreement on how much each of you puts into it every month, and that both of you must agree on how the cash is used (e.g. only for rent and utilities). Then agree that before moving in together, you must both put in enough money to cover, say, 2 months of expenses. That gives you some breathing space in case he is ever late with his share.