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My boyfriend of 5+ years told me he kissed another guy:( Help:(

T

TorontoBoi

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I'm so confused. :confused: My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years told me he kissed another guy.

We are both around 30 years old and he just finished his masters. Over the last semester, he got friendly with one of his classmates. I've met that guy a couple of times. My boyfriend and I used used to joke around about having a threesome with him because he's so cute (we never had any threesomes). I could sense my boyfriend had some minor crush on him, but didn't care. Both of them did not know that the other was gay until they had some graduation party the other night.

According to what my boyfriend told me, everyone got wasted at the party. My boyfriend decided to tell everyone he was gay. The classmate suddenly pulled my boyfriend aside in private and started telling him how much he'll miss him (he won't live here anymore) and that he likes him, etc. They started touching and my boyfriend started to kiss him. It ended there, and they went home.

My boyfriend came home wasted and told me the story. He started saying a million things - that he felt terrible, that he would never want to do anything with the classmate because he loves me, that he wanted to bring him home for a threesome, that he didn't want to bring him home for a threesome because he had a bit of feelings for the classmate, etc etc etc. Meanwhile, he was texting the classmate about how much he'll miss him right in front of my face. I was perplexed about everything and I made it look like I couldnt care less just so that he'll continue telling me what happened.

Over the next few days, my boyfriend again said how much he regretted going that extra step. He never did anything like this. The shock that his 'crush' was also gay + alcohol led to all this.

Now I feel a few things:
- I want to beat the crap out of my boyfriend and just break up with him because of what he did.
- I feel thankful that he was so honest with me.
- Should I just let this go and not make a big deal about it? Or is this considered cheating and should I end a 5 year relationship over this? We talk about marriage a lot...........

I wasnt so bothered by the fact that he developed some little crush on the classmate. Stuff like this can happen. But it bothers me so much that the crush actually turned into a physical encounter (although short and quick). I know my boyfriend is thinking about him in his head.... :(
 
Leave him. After 5 years this is how he treats you?! My guy and I have been together near 5 years now, and if he did that to me.... There's no respect there.
 
FanofFiction said:
Leave him. After 5 years this is how he treats you?! My guy and I have been together near 5 years now, and if he did that to me.... There's no respect there.
Click to expand...

I agree, I feel very disrespected. But I feel like taking that step (breaking up) is just so scary. :( And I don't know if it justifies the 'crime' he committed....
Who knows, I could end up with some new guy who secretly cheats on me all the time.
 
desks4567 said:
Now I feel a few things:
- I want to beat the crap out of my boyfriend and just break up with him because of what he did.
- I feel thankful that he was so honest with me.
- Should I just let this go and not make a big deal about it? Or is this considered cheating and should I end a 5 year relationship over this? We talk about marriage a lot...........

I wasnt so bothered by the fact that he developed some little crush on the classmate. Stuff like this can happen. But it bothers me so much that the crush actually turned into a physical encounter (although short and quick). I know my boyfriend is thinking about him in his head.... :(
Click to expand...

Relationships are difficult. If any two people are together long enough and aren't hermits, at least one (and probably both) of them is going to develop feelings for another person at some point. This is human nature, and not necessarily a commentary on the state of your relationship. But your bf crossed a line, and that's troubling. Because of that, he needs to completely disconnect from the classmate, if he's invested in this relationship. If he's not willing to do that, then he's still entertaining thoughts of being with this guy and I'd think seriously about ending it.

I would not be so quick to end a 5-year relationship just because he kissed another guy, especially if he's willing to stop communicating with him and try to regain your trust.
 
Honestly, I think you should try to get over it.

Yes, he got drunk, and made out with this guy. But they didn't go further. And - this is very key - he told you about it. He could've simply lied about it. He came clean. And yeah, he shouldn't have texted him while he was telling you all about it, but I think that's something that can be overlooked.

Why not talk to him about it? Not in a petty sort of way, but as an adult? Ask him how he feels about the guy now. Does he want to see if something can happen with him? Or would he rather stick with you?

Lex
 
@TC: What you're boyfriend was wrong for kissing the other guy. However, he didn't let it get pass that and told U right away regardless of the consequences. So don't break up with him right away. However, U should tell him to break contact with the other guy and if he fails to do so than break it off.
 
Personally I wouldn't end an otherwise solid five year relationship over this. I just wouldn't let him get drunk without me to watch him anymore. He was honest enough to tell you beforehand that he thought the guy was attractive, and made it relatively clear he had a small crush on the guy; that shows that he is honest. Plus he ran home and confessed which shows that he regrets it. It sounds like it was honestly an alcohol-fueled mistake.

I would suggest making it very clear how much he hurt you, but giving him the opportunity to regain your trust. I'm sure this is easier for me to say because it wasn't my boyfriend doing it to me (and even imagining that hurts), but the advice I always hear from older couples who have experienced infidelity is not to follow your first instinct to shut that person out of your life.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do, though.
 
Well, there are other things you might want to consider as well... He did put himself in a position where he could cheat. My husband and I are very open with one another about who we are attracted to and who we might see in another world... But we don't go drinking with said people, not alone (without each other). I think whats worse than the kiss is that he put himself in a position where said kiss could transpire.
 
FanofFiction said:
Well, there are other things you might want to consider as well... He did put himself in a position where he could cheat. My husband and I are very open with one another about who we are attracted to and who we might see in another world... But we don't go drinking with said people, not alone (without each other). I think whats worse than the kiss is that he put himself in a position where said kiss could transpire.
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Ordinarily, I might agree, but the OP said his bf didn't know the guy was gay until that night (if I read the post correctly). If you had a crush on a guy but thought he was straight, you wouldn't reasonably think anything would happen. I mean, it happens in porn, but this is real life.
 
RazorzEdge88 said:
Did some of you guys miss this part?I don't think the kiss itself is that big of a deal, but this sounds patently disrespectful and is a red flag, IMO.
Click to expand...

No, I didn't miss that part, and it's part of the reason why I'd insist the bf stop communicating with the guy. :)
 
elvin1 said:
A kiss to me is innocent.
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It depends on what kind of kiss we're talking about. From the OP's obvious distress over the situation, I'm guessing it wasn't a peck on the cheek.

Making out with someone else is definitely not innocent to me, and it doesn't sound like it is to the OP either (or his bf).
 
If it was me, I personally would take a break (not break up) with the relationship to reevaluate what we both want. Your boyfriend not only disrespected you, but he disrespected your relationship. If he had this crush on this guy (it's nice and honest that he told you) he should have avoided this guy at all costs. He put himself in a situation for something to happen. But the clincher for me is him texting his crush in front of you. I seriously would have snatched the phone out of his hands and thrown it out the window. And you say that you know that he’s thinking about him…hell no! I really couldn’t have my relationship go back to normal after something like this without some kind of serious reevaluation.

Keep us posted. :)
 
Let it go, he was honest and it was just a kiss. Had he been having an ongoing affair and lied to you over and over then it's a different animal altogether. He loves you and that stopped him from going any further. You won, keep it in your back pocket, but don't get even because then you both lose and the relationship is over. If the relationship is healthy in other parts then you are ok. If not then, maybe it's a bigger issue and it's heading downhill. Your position to analyze.
 
he needs to delete that guy out of his phone and out of his life. Thats first. Second. This is a big deal. And he needs to know it! If he doesn't think you care, doesn't think you are {this close} to leaving, whats he going to think if something like this ever arrises again? He needs to know just how close he came to loosing his man of almost 6 years. He was very honest, and thats all he did. But he is still talking to that guy. Thats where the 'ending it' comes into play. If he cared like he exclaims, he wouldn't talk to that guy or mention him ever again. period. If he isn't willing, and doesn't get how close you are to the door, i'd leave. period.
 
If all that happened is that he kissed another guy and if you do decide to let it go, then you really need to let what happened go. Don't use one small mistake against him again, that will only harm the relationship further. Before letting it go, you do need to tell him how much it hurt you that he did that. And to please not let something like that happen again because you will not be as forgiving if there is a next time. But once that is said, don't bring it up again.
 
Stop being a jealous fuck. Jealousy is insecurity. Just be glad he didn't tell you he did more. Next time he knows not to tell you. If he comes home to you, and you make him happy he won't want someone else.
 
Jealousy has nothing to do with your boyfriend coming home telling you he made out with his crush. Jealousy has nothing to do with your boyfriend texting his crush in front of you while he's in the middle of telling you how he just made out with said crush.
 
Yeah, I tried to rationalise it, see it from your other halfs point of view, and fair enough there was no attempt at deciet, but if it were me, he'd be fuckin' chucked. It wasn't like he'd drunkenly kissed him for a laugh, it sounded pretty sexual, however briefly from the description. Again that's just me though.
 
desks4567 said:
He started saying a million things - that he felt terrible, that he would never want to do anything with the classmate because he loves me, that he wanted to bring him home for a threesome, that he didn't want to bring him home for a threesome because he had a bit of feelings for the classmate, etc.

Meanwhile, he was texting the classmate about how much he'll miss him right in front of my face. I was perplexed about everything and I made it look like I couldnt care less just so that he'll continue telling me what happened.
Click to expand...

= What he thought you wanted to hear.
= What he was hoping to hear.
= OMG - he's pissed. Don't come over! The 3-some is off!
 
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