My boyfriends opinions on Sex/Making Love

[dhchitown1984]

Well, here it goes:

Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost one year. In the past two months or so, we've had important conversations about us/futures/lives/"state of the relationship" and those have all had positive momentum behind them, which is great.

Now, my boyfriend was still relatively new to being Out when we started dating, and has only come out to his family within the past year. So I have been respectful of the "newness" to coming out, and dealt with the "newbie" mentality of going out to bars and flirting, getting attention, liking & responding to the attention, and so on and so forth. He's been faithful & I know hasn't done anything, but he recently downloaded both Grindr and Jack'd to his phone after one of our more promiscuous friends introduced him to them. He asked my opinion.

I was honest - and in the conversation, I started by saying I didn't appreciate it, but as I talked to him my opinion changed in that I told him I trust him, and I told him I don't mind him talking to other guys on there because I'm secure in the relationship, but I didn't want him sending out x-rated pics of "my" boyfriend, and I he needed to understand that a majority of the guys on grindr who want to "meet up for a drink/chat" really don't mean it, and he understood that.

A few days go by and that brings us to last night - he said that he hasn't done anything with anyone, which I do believe, but that he sees sex as just sex, and when we have intercourse we're making love, which are to different things... and in some ways, I agree, and in some ways I disagree - yes, you can have lustful dirty/raunchy/horny sex with your partner while also having very loving/tender/passionate intercourse. He said he has no intention of doing anything, but was wondering if I would be open to having sex with a third. I'm not necessarily against it, I'm just not wanting it. He explained that it is likely in life that no one will ever be able to satisfy their partners every sexual need... which I agree with somewhat but I shared my view that being with the man I love allows me to not need to fulfill every sexual need because I feel complete without it - if that makes sense. I also told him how communication was key - trying new things, what he's into or not into, if the sex was too frequent or not frequent enough, and we both have to give & take to make the other person happy.

In respect to his past, he came from a home that didn't really value sex... his mother has been jailed for prostitution and none of his four sibilings have the same fathers as a result - so I anticipated a hiccup regarding the value of sex itself.... I just don't know if I should allow him to continue to think out his own opinions, or if I should continue to share with him mine - because what I don't want to do is "tell him" my opinion only for him to "come to terms with his own definition" in one year or two years, or more. I think if he has his own opinion that he addresses on his own, it would be better in the long-haul.

So my question is this: Has anyone dated or had as a partner someone with these different opinions? How was it addressed and was there a middle ground found?

 

[Rolyo85]

I am not entirely sure what your dilemma is (all of the "forming own opinion" stuff came out kinda convoluted), but here's my view - I more or less share your bf's view of sex. Sex is just sex. You can have all kinds of sex with someone you love, and you can have most of them with someone you're simply attracted to physically. The only difference is context. If I am with someone who is on the same page as me, sex with a third (even without my man present) would be just sex. If I am not, however, I wouldn't NEED the other people as long as I have strong feelings for the one I'm with.

You have to talk to him, and not focus on the view of sex, but the view of the relationship you have. You both need to reach a conclusion that you both agree with and are ok with. You can't go down the path of opening the relationship to appease him unless you actually want to try it or at the VERY least are certain it wouldn't give you any negative emotions. And he needs to decide if his curiosity is so strong that he needs to act on it, or if it's enough to deal with on the jerk off fantasy level.

In the end, it seems you guys have a good communication going, so I'm sure you'll figure it out. There's nothing wrong with having different views of sex as long as they don't lead to conflict within the relationship.

 

[racer2438]

Well, here it goes:

Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost one year. In the past two months or so, we've had important conversations about us/futures/lives/"state of the relationship" and those have all had positive momentum behind them, which is great.

Now, my boyfriend was still relatively new to being Out when we started dating, and has only come out to his family within the past year. So I have been respectful of the "newness" to coming out, and dealt with the "newbie" mentality of going out to bars and flirting, getting attention, liking & responding to the attention, and so on and so forth. He's been faithful & I know hasn't done anything, but he recently downloaded both Grindr and Jack'd to his phone after one of our more promiscuous friends introduced him to them. He asked my opinion.

I was honest - and in the conversation, I started by saying I didn't appreciate it, but as I talked to him my opinion changed in that I told him I trust him, and I told him I don't mind him talking to other guys on there because I'm secure in the relationship, but I didn't want him sending out x-rated pics of "my" boyfriend, and I he needed to understand that a majority of the guys on grindr who want to "meet up for a drink/chat" really don't mean it, and he understood that.

A few days go by and that brings us to last night - he said that he hasn't done anything with anyone, which I do believe, but that he sees sex as just sex, and when we have intercourse we're making love, which are to different things... and in some ways, I agree, and in some ways I disagree - yes, you can have lustful dirty/raunchy/horny sex with your partner while also having very loving/tender/passionate intercourse. He said he has no intention of doing anything, but was wondering if I would be open to having sex with a third. I'm not necessarily against it, I'm just not wanting it. He explained that it is likely in life that no one will ever be able to satisfy their partners every sexual need... which I agree with somewhat but I shared my view that being with the man I love allows me to not need to fulfill every sexual need because I feel complete without it - if that makes sense. I also told him how communication was key - trying new things, what he's into or not into, if the sex was too frequent or not frequent enough, and we both have to give & take to make the other person happy.

In respect to his past, he came from a home that didn't really value sex... his mother has been jailed for prostitution and none of his four sibilings have the same fathers as a result - so I anticipated a hiccup regarding the value of sex itself.... I just don't know if I should allow him to continue to think out his own opinions, or if I should continue to share with him mine - because what I don't want to do is "tell him" my opinion only for him to "come to terms with his own definition" in one year or two years, or more. I think if he has his own opinion that he addresses on his own, it would be better in the long-haul.

So my question is this: Has anyone dated or had as a partner someone with these different opinions? How was it addressed and was there a middle ground found?

I can see were you both are coming from, and as for myself and my honey of 28 yrs together we lean more on your side than his. Yes sex is just sex to a point, and here is were other people will chime in on either pro/con.

To us if we are going to kinda have a quicky like under a hr, it would be just sex, but if it will be longer and going to have more passion, foreplay, cuddleing and so on it's making love/lovemaking, but that's to us not everyone else.

And your point of feeling complete if you get more of one thing and less of another, is just like us also. Having a partner that is 1000% committed gives me the complete feeling of being in real love. Let's just say we(us) had, everything going except for one little thing, as long as we are both in it together on the same page, it would not matter, cuz I know he completes everything I need in one way or another. Others will be different

My only question back to you is what is he doing on those sites anyway, That would raise a red flag to me(us) as we would not do this to (us). A true LTR can only work with Trust, Love, and Communication FISRT and formost. The rest will land in place as you grow together. But we would not have made it 28 yrs if we were doing something wrong, that's my thoughts.....

 

[TX-Beau]

Whether or not you decide to play around with other guys together, you do need trust and communication and commitment.

OK now to the germane point. It sounds like you are worried about him "doing something." How old is he? If he's 20 this goes one way, if he's 40 it goes another.

Generally speaking, never assume things about someone else based on how you are. That doesn't work, guys are different and there are indeed a lot of guys out there who are quite capable of treating sex like sport. I'm like that, my partner is like that, sex for us has nothing to do with our commitment to each other, (and this is going to sound like a paradox to guys who aren't like this) sex is also extremely important to both of us.

I've dated the "romantic" type and the serial monogamists, and some nice guys with rather rigid definitions of what relationships had to look like, and all I can say is that it's a whole lot easier to be with a guy who thinks about this stuff pretty much the same way I do.

Which is why asked how old he is, I met my BF when I was 19 we dated, we imploded, and spent the next 15 years revisiting every variation of friendship/relationship out there. When we started one of the reasons (though by no means the primary reason) it didn't work was that we were both slutty guys who were pretending not to be.

fast forward a decade and a half, and a bunch of other guys later, I knew what I needed sexually from a relationship, and so did he, and we finally hit the same place at the same time.

 

[Seasoned]

I think you've gotten the examples you need. Both partners need to be on the same page regarding the major issues in order to have harmony. Sex is one of those major issues. If you are on different pages trying to impose views/beliefs on the other you are likely to eventually have huge conflicts. Monogamy needs to be voluntary.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, everyone gets fed the "true love conquers all," line growing up, but really, that's just fiction. There are a whole bunch of things that love is not going to conquer.

You have to have love, but you also have to have compatibility.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Thanks to all for the advice.

Things have improved in this arena for us, thanks to what we've been trying to keep very open - Communication.

To answer TX-Beau's question, he's 25 years old, but newly out. His only other serious relationship ended about a year and a half ago, neither him nor his boyfriend at the time were out, and because they were in a small social circle, never "went out" on dates, or as a couple, or anything really - so I'm his first "social" BF in that he is out, we go places as a couple, and we go places with friends... (It doesn't help that we met as coworkers, and having just left the same job, we're just now starting to tell former coworkers we're dating.... this too, adds another dimension)

In the end though, he clarified that he likes being able to put his face out there and tell people he's gay without having to worry about who is actually on the other end of the message - whether it be Grindr or Facebook. For him, the "sex" part of it was moreso in being viewed as sexy, attainable, attractive, yadda yadda yadda. He further said that he wants to have a circle of close gay friends that are his, that he can introduce me to as his boyfriend, and not have the stigma of "oh, we've worked with you all this time and you're just telling us NOW..." So, I get that part of it and told him. In turn, he did delete the Grindr app because he said it's definitely more hit-it and quit-it mentality, where Jack'd at leasts asks about interests/hobbies. I laughed, but appreciated the gesture. He then showed me his Jack'd profile that says he's partnered and isn't looking for hookups. I also told him that I have a more Anxious Attachment style where these things explode like tiny bombs in my head until I take a few minutes to think it through, whereas his personality is a lot more Independent Self/Codependent Companion. Another thing I do believe part of whats making it hard for him to talk about it is the fact that he's never had to actually be faced with the prospect of talking about his feelings regarding sex & sexuality while in a relationship.

So again, thanks to all for getting me over my "omg are you serious" period, which allowed me to calm down to actually have a conversation that led to an end result, which was thanksfully positive, amicable, and honest.

 

[Seasoned]

Keep those lines open. Learn the fair fighting rules and practice them. Never mind read or expect him to and be open to the idea of couple's counseling if there are issues that you can't solve yourself.