My Coming Out Process

[kyguy1133]

First off I am a long time reader on JUB but don't really post. But, today I felt the need to post my coming out process so far.

I am 24 year old and have recently been able to really except the fact that I am gay. I have probably known that I am gay since I was about 13-15 but just never have been able to accept that fact. I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout the course of me coming to terms; my school work, work life, and social life have all suffered throughout this time also.

Coming Out- The first person I ever told was my mother about a year ago. With me in a depressed state and slipping in school she was constantly hounding me about what was going on (she thought I had gotten someone pregnant, lol). So over the phone I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and tell my mother that I am gay and in deep depression. She did not take it well as she started to cry and did not think I knew for sure that I was gay and wanted me to read the bible and go see a therapist. I ended up going to a therapist for a little over a month which did nothing for me except give me someone to tell what I already knew and what I was feeling. To this day she really has not come to grips with the fact that I’m am gay, but makes sure she lets me know that no matter what I am her son and she will always love me no matter what. But wants me to stay in the closet until she does come to terms with it, which will not happen.

So until a couple of months ago my mother was the only one that knew I was gay, that’s when my older sister calls to ask me a couple of questions about me and if I had any girlfriends. At that time I did not want to lie to her up or make up a fake girlfriend so I let her know that I was not straight. She took it better than my mom but was very concerned about how the other people in my family and community will perceive me. She has been very supportive and is there for me when I need her.

Then the other night my cousin was in town for work, we went out and on the way back to her hotel we got on to the subjects of relationships. While we were talking the urge to tell her came over me, and for the first time I told a family member face to face that I am gay. She took it GREAT!! And was a huge supporter as we talked for about it and our family for hours.

After talking with her I literally felt like a 10ton weight had been lifted off of my chest and today I have felt the best I have in years. I know this is just the beginning of my process as I still have a long way to go and know that many people may not be as accepting as my family so far, but this is a huge step forward for me. And its is getting easier.

And to all the people out there struggling with this issue know it does get better and there is happiness in being gay. And if you need to talk message me. Sorry it was so long but I had to get this out.

 

[greyhorse]

Ky, at least you know that you have the support of people on this site and further afield of course. It is good to get such things off your chest for sure. Wishing you all the best with all aspects of your life. Peace and happiness. Love, G

 

[kyguy1133]

Yes it is, Thanks.

 

[alfaPA]

Congratulations for taking these steps. I don't need to tell you what a relief it is and that you are fortunate to have positive family support. Think about how long it took for you to address and accept being gay. Parents often have to go through a similar period of adjustment....(especially one who tells you to go read a bible..oy vay!) They, like you, were are worried what "others" might think. You've already discovered that "others" will have no problem with you being gay. At some point your mom will find out that your other family members already know about you and that there was no need for you to remain in the closet. She'll be reassured, knowing that other family members not only didn't disapprove, but are supportive.

Continued good luck in you coming out experience. It isn't easy for many of us, but the more who take these steps the better it will be for all.

 

[Lube]

Congratulations, KYGuy!!!!

It is very hard to do at first, but it is such a relief, as you said.

As you've discovered it goes better with some people than others, but you no longer have to cower in the closet And that makes all the difference in the world!

You are an inspiration to others, both on JUB and in real life!

 

[kyguy1133]

Thanks PA and LUBE, After my cousin I find it almost exciting to tell others although I've not done so yet. But I am mapping out my plan which will start with my dad and other sister before telling some of my other family members.

Telling my dad will be an extremely hard task. I know like my mom it will take him some time to accept it but for me to be free and happy I have to take this step next.

 

[Echoes]

Congrats mate I hope everything goes just great for you, it takes some balls to do what you did.

 

[workinonit230555]

I just came out myself yesterday man (to friends)...I feel better already. I have yet to do my parents, but I think they will have to accept me as I am....it is of course "my life". It is a sigh of relief to have this burden off my chest and to live how I want to live. Congrats to you!!

 

[kyguy1133]

So I have an update:

Over the new years holiday I decided to tell my other sister that I am gay. She was in shock and had several question(the day I told her and the day after), I had no problem answering the questions but she continued to call it a "PHASE" and acted as if I was just making it up or was unsure of what I wanted. In the process I did ask her not to let my mom know I told her since she does not handle me coming out well.

So, today when I call my mother I can definitely tell that something is wrong and her tone was just off and she gives me a story how some gay guy was recently missing and is likely dead. I immediately called my sister and she did inform me that she did talk with my mother about it and that they both were searching for counseling places for us to go and how they were about to start fasting??.

I know that everyone will take it different and you have to be understanding, but these two are going to drive me crazy.

And the counseling they are looking at deals with someone from NARTH, and after looking at stuff on this group I REALLY do not want to go. But she said it will help with her dealing with it.

Have any of you all deal with NARTH or anything similar?

 

[Seasoned]

Never having heard of NARTH, I just checked their website. Sexual orientation ought not to be causing that type of effort to "fix." In the United States it was no longer considered a disorder after the mid 1970s.

You pick the therapist outside this dangerous NARTH group and see if they are still willing to go with you for "them."

They need PFLAG more than you need NARTH. Please decline their offer and offer your own.

Isn't it amazing that the only time the bible is raised and shaken in faces is when those faces are gay? Where is the outrage over war, poverty and illness?

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, you are not coming out for them, you are coming out for you.

It's very sad when you have relatives who try and push you into handling this their way and not yours, but - as someone who has an abundance of relatives like that - I can tell you that given enough time, they'll usually back off.

Don't let them create a drama about it.

If they must freak out, let them freak out together and don't participate.

How do you do that, when they tell you that they've found counselors for you, say thank you for the concern, but being gay does not require therapy.

You can suggest PFLAG, but don't get your hopes up that they'll want to do that any more than you want to go do that make yourself not gay crap.

They probably genuinely are concerned, and they probably actually think being gay is a disorder, but it's not their life to make those kinds of decisions about. It's also probable that somewhere in their minds this is about them and what they're afraid other people are going to think about your family. I'm not saying they're bad people, but that's quite common, they tell you they only want to get you help, but there are other motivations at work besides just that one. You tell them you're gay, they panic about what the neighbors are going to think. Especially if they're some stripe of fundamentalist Christians.

Always remember your coming out process is for you, about you, and your piece of mind, it's not about them and their issues.

It gets better with time, they'll eventually back off, so long as you stand your ground.

Oh and yeah, DO NOT get involved in any kind of "counseling," that you're not comfortable with.

My Mom, who's a Southern Baptist, got me to go see someone once, who the preacher recommended, and I can't even describe what a monumental waste of time and money that was.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

As TX says: DO NOT get involved in any kind of "counseling," that you're not comfortable with - couldn't agree more. Frankly, a therapist that is gay friendly who will help our gay brothers in the coming out process in the only way to go in my view. This is what I did because I too struggled w/ my gay identity. We retain power over our identity and self worth when we don't allow others to push their idea of what is "right" for us - as though being gay is a choice, or worse, a lifestyle! We all have a right live our lives that will make us happy and healthy.

I agree that you are an inspiration to others, particularly your message about it gets easier over time. Right on brother!

 

[hotatlboi]

Have any of you all deal with NARTH or anything similar?

NARTH is a radical right wing Christian group that will try to convince you that being gay is wrong and that you are a bad person until you "choose" not to be gay any longer.

Stay far away from those wackos.

If anyone needs counseling, it's your family for suggesting such a ridiculous option.

 

[TX-Beau]

Wasn't it one of those NARTH guys who took a trip to Europe with a rentboy then claimed he was bringing him to Jesus?

 

[slnattak]

Thanks, good job. But I tend to only care that gay men are treating each other well. Because I got mixed views from straight people. My dad takes it okay, so does my mom- but my mom doesn't really fully accept it. I guess it's hard, I mean it is a minority- and it does sort of blemish the clean middle class image that they want.

My sister doesn't like it all, she's downright homophobic sometimes. My grandma is also the same way. And there are family members who I know if they found out, would treat me really weird. And I have a few cousins that know already, and really support me.

I think the reason gay community talks about self-confidence and self-love a lot is really clear: that you can't really control what somebody is going to think of you, if they're set on not liking you because you're gay, they will. That's just how other people are. But if you are comfortable with it yourself, no matter what anybody else thinks, even if nobody around you likes it at all.... then I think you've overcame all your demons. But that's not realistic, we all need to be loved.

But anyways, you shouldn't really care what they think. People are these trashy smelly nobodies. Individuals can be attractive and loving. But people as a whole, always have sucked and always will suck. "Why do I care what some white trash blue collar republican thinks of me anyway? Why am I going to let him hurt my feelings. So he doesn't like gays. So what. Truth be told, I never liked 'his kind' either."

 

[KaraBulut]

In spite of the fact that Stonewall was 50 years ago, there are a lot of people who don't know any gay people And, in the US, many cynical evangelical leaders have used stereotypes about gay people to further their agenda.

So, your family is going into this with a lot of misinformation and preconceptions. They're the ones that need counseling. But from their viewpoint, you're the one who needs to be fixed.

Unfortunately, this is going to be a long process. Unless your family is willing to open their minds and set aside the misinformation they've been given, it's going to be a long haul.

But I would discourage you from going to an evangelical-based counselor. It's a royal waste of time and these programs often do more damage to family relationships. If your family is set on counseling, then see a reputable family counselor who doesn't have an agenda. But also expect that this is going to take a long time to work through and it will take more than counseling to change your family's beliefs.

 

[erobert]

Great coming out story.

Though, now that your out of the closet it's time to start living life. Save your money up and move to a gay friendly city. I'm a strong believer in moving away from the nest as soon as you can (I wish I moved away sooner) and especially in cases where you've come from fundamental religious communities.

Dan Savage (the founder of the It Gets Better project among other things) recommends giving parents etc. a year to get it together.

Yep, it usually takes a year for it to sink in with people who don't "get it." In the meantime, save your money up and move away from home. It's another (big) step in the coming out process in my mind.

And just the fact that your mother recommended you seek counseling is worrisome and telling you to essentially "go to your room and pray" reminds me of the mother in the movie Carrie. Best to not physically live with those types of people after you're an adult as she sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues she could transfer over to you.

Almost every parent want's to see their children grow up into happy, fulfilled adults so show her you're a responsible adult capable of living his own life.

If she still can't accept you're gay after about a year, she's the one who needs to seek counseling.

 

[kyguy1133]

First a big THANKS to all you guys for your support, advice, and suggestions.

I still am trying to figure out this whole situation and is just getting worse and worse. My mother and I had an interesting conversation today as she started her fasting, and the main thing is that she and my sisters do not understand why I feel the need to let people know and feel that it is a "personal issue". I have tried many many times to try and explain the need for me to fully accept it, feel comfortable in my skin, and I just feel the need to do it are some of the reasons. I really don't know how else to get the fact that I need to do this across??

Then of course my wonderful sister shared with my mother my thoughts on how I was planning on telling my dad, and she went on to inform me that I should not go through with my plan and that she wanted to be the one to tell him, not me. WTF

She says the main reason she is feeling all of these thing is possible because of wanting to protect me. And thank god that she did not mention anything about going to counseling with them.

I am sorry im going on and on but I just don't have anyone to talk to about this that understands.

 

[tipmyscales86]

First a big THANKS to all you guys for your support, advice, and suggestions.

I still am trying to figure out this whole situation and is just getting worse and worse. My mother and I had an interesting conversation today as she started her fasting, and the main thing is that she and my sisters do not understand why I feel the need to let people know and feel that it is a "personal issue". I have tried many many times to try and explain the need for me to fully accept it, feel comfortable in my skin, and I just feel the need to do it are some of the reasons. I really don't know how else to get the fact that I need to do this across??

Then of course my wonderful sister shared with my mother my thoughts on how I was planning on telling my dad, and she went on to inform me that I should not go through with my plan and that she wanted to be the one to tell him, not me. WTF

She says the main reason she is feeling all of these thing is possible because of wanting to protect me. And thank god that she did not mention anything about going to counseling with them.

I am sorry im going on and on but I just don't have anyone to talk to about this that understands.

Hugs.

There are a lot of people in this world that don't realize how much harm they are doing to another person by trying to "protect" them. The ideals of protection and freedom often clash. It starts getting dangerous when these people try to control your mind, feelings, and your personality either out of ulterior motives or fear of what others think.

My dad and stepmom sent me to therapy when I was a teenager, and put me on prescription drugs. I felt that all it did was damage my self-esteem and social life, yet they still insist to this day that it was "good for me." I have pretty much drifted apart from them, because I'm afraid of what might happen when my resentment of how they handled me as a child boils over.

Parents that send their kid to therapy against their own will don't understand what their child is going through and don't want to deal with it, so they just pass it off to a "professional" to deal with. Talk about a lack of empathy.

 

[TX-Beau]

...and the main thing is that she and my sisters do not understand why I feel the need to let people know and feel that it is a "personal issue". I have tried many many times to try and explain the need for me to fully accept it, feel comfortable in my skin, and I just feel the need to do it are some of the reasons. I really don't know how else to get the fact that I need to do this across??

Then of course my wonderful sister shared with my mother my thoughts on how I was planning on telling my dad, and she went on to inform me that I should not go through with my plan and that she wanted to be the one to tell him, not me. WTF

She says the main reason she is feeling all of these thing is possible because of wanting to protect me...

Well, I'm sad to say this, but this really sounds like they aren't trying to protect you, they're trying to protect themselves.

Yeah, I had to deal with that with a lot of my fundie relatives. Some of them are still (after fifteen years of a thoroughly unapologetic, and unrepentant, and very vocal me) far more concerned with how they explain a gay relative to their fundie friends, then they ever were about my welfare. They just tell themselves that's the same thing.

My immediate family adjusted or didn't care, given time, and most of my relatives also. Including some real surprises like my grandfather - who was supportive from day one - despite my religious Grandmother. Evidently he had a friend, that people found out was gay (back in the fifties) and the hate that guy faced made a huge impression on him. That story was the first thing he told me when I came out to him.

I've had a lot of practice dealing with fundamentalist homophobes in the family, and here's how I deal with that. I treat them like they're amusing crazies with a head full of silly notions. If they tell me I'm going to hell, I chuckle and laugh and humor their condemnation. Never argue, never complain, just dismiss. That's the one thing they aren't prepared to deal with. No matter what they say, no matter how pushy they are, no matter what comes out of their mouth, it only has consequence if you let it. The drama is only as big as you allow. They can't have their serious issue, if you refuse to participate.

You know who you are. Stand your ground. They are the ones with the issues to resolve, and hopefully, given time, you'll help them do that.