They always say you can't force love.
About 7 weeks ago, i met this guy online, he's 2 years younger then me, and like a 10 on my cuteness scale. I find myself more like a 6, I don't think I'm ugly, but there are a lot more cuter guys out there.
He told me that he was going on a trip with his parents in a couple of days and he wanted to meet me in real life before he left, just as friends, he hasn't really accepted that he's gay and wanted to talk too me about it.
Because the weather was fantastic that day, I suggested to meet the next day afternoon. So I knew the perfect place to meet, it was a deserted open field surrounded with woods.
So we went there the next day. And just sat there talking about everything (school, movies, music,...). After a few hours it started to get dark so we decided to go home and meet at the same time the next day.
So we stood up and he hinted me that he wanted a hug, so i hugged him and when I pulled away, we looked in eachothers eyes and I don't know what happened but I kissed him. I kissed guys before, but this was the first time my whole body shook. The kiss didn't last for long after 2 seconds he pushed me away and said that he felt weird.
When I got home I got a text that he was sorry about what happenned and he still wanted to meet the next day.
So the next day we met again. This time i brought some foot with me so we could lunch togetter. The grass on the field was still wet to he insisted that I should sit next to him on his jacket to my pants didn't get wet.
After we ate the grass was dry and I just made a pillow out of my jacket so i could lay down on the grass. Because we were sitting on his jacket he could use it to make a pillow to he layed his head on my chest (I didn't stop him). So we were talking again.
Suddenly he grabbed my hand and just hold it. Didn't know what i was feeling but I guess thats what people mean when they say there on "cloud nine".
He told me that he was sorry that he had to go on that trip. "I can't wait to go swimming with you, so I can see you without your clotes".
For the rest of the day we just were laying there. Talking, holding hands. But as the day before it was starting to get dark and cold so we both went home.
That night we were talking on skype and I told him I really felt something for him. He said he felt something for me too but didnt know if he was ready yet. And that during his trip with his parents he would think about us.
So the next day he left, just before that we chatted and he told me that he would think about me every day and that after these 2 weeks he would have an answer for me.
The next 2 weeks were like hell to me. I was thinking about him 24/7. I was really counting down the day till he got back.
So the day he'dd be back, I didn't hear from him, so i started to get worried. The next day the same. Till the day after I sended him a message at skype about me being worried about not hearing anything of him.
But in stead off the sign on skype when the other person is not online the message got throught immediately. Which ment he was online, after sending him that I know he is online, he told me to leave him alone and never talk to him again. He'dd rather be unhappy with a woman then happy with a man, and "he could do that to his family".
So I just fell apart at that point, two weeks I was imagining about thing we could do togetter. It took me 3 weeks to realize I'm beter off without him.
But then last week I was chatting in an anonymous gay chatroom and I was talking to this guy and when he sended me a picture of himself it was him. Al those feelings came back and I'm still dealing with them. It's ever more difficult now because I first tought that he was just to deap in the closet to date someone, but now I'm kinda convinced it's just me he doesn't like.
It just hard dealing with those issues with you have nobody to go to. I really envy people with friends who stand behind them whenever you need them.
I hope writhing this down here will help me process this.
Tnx for reading
PJ
About 7 weeks ago, i met this guy online, he's 2 years younger then me, and like a 10 on my cuteness scale. I find myself more like a 6, I don't think I'm ugly, but there are a lot more cuter guys out there.
He told me that he was going on a trip with his parents in a couple of days and he wanted to meet me in real life before he left, just as friends, he hasn't really accepted that he's gay and wanted to talk too me about it.
Because the weather was fantastic that day, I suggested to meet the next day afternoon. So I knew the perfect place to meet, it was a deserted open field surrounded with woods.
So we went there the next day. And just sat there talking about everything (school, movies, music,...). After a few hours it started to get dark so we decided to go home and meet at the same time the next day.
So we stood up and he hinted me that he wanted a hug, so i hugged him and when I pulled away, we looked in eachothers eyes and I don't know what happened but I kissed him. I kissed guys before, but this was the first time my whole body shook. The kiss didn't last for long after 2 seconds he pushed me away and said that he felt weird.
When I got home I got a text that he was sorry about what happenned and he still wanted to meet the next day.
So the next day we met again. This time i brought some foot with me so we could lunch togetter. The grass on the field was still wet to he insisted that I should sit next to him on his jacket to my pants didn't get wet.
After we ate the grass was dry and I just made a pillow out of my jacket so i could lay down on the grass. Because we were sitting on his jacket he could use it to make a pillow to he layed his head on my chest (I didn't stop him). So we were talking again.
Suddenly he grabbed my hand and just hold it. Didn't know what i was feeling but I guess thats what people mean when they say there on "cloud nine".
He told me that he was sorry that he had to go on that trip. "I can't wait to go swimming with you, so I can see you without your clotes".
For the rest of the day we just were laying there. Talking, holding hands. But as the day before it was starting to get dark and cold so we both went home.
That night we were talking on skype and I told him I really felt something for him. He said he felt something for me too but didnt know if he was ready yet. And that during his trip with his parents he would think about us.
So the next day he left, just before that we chatted and he told me that he would think about me every day and that after these 2 weeks he would have an answer for me.
The next 2 weeks were like hell to me. I was thinking about him 24/7. I was really counting down the day till he got back.
So the day he'dd be back, I didn't hear from him, so i started to get worried. The next day the same. Till the day after I sended him a message at skype about me being worried about not hearing anything of him.
But in stead off the sign on skype when the other person is not online the message got throught immediately. Which ment he was online, after sending him that I know he is online, he told me to leave him alone and never talk to him again. He'dd rather be unhappy with a woman then happy with a man, and "he could do that to his family".
So I just fell apart at that point, two weeks I was imagining about thing we could do togetter. It took me 3 weeks to realize I'm beter off without him.
But then last week I was chatting in an anonymous gay chatroom and I was talking to this guy and when he sended me a picture of himself it was him. Al those feelings came back and I'm still dealing with them. It's ever more difficult now because I first tought that he was just to deap in the closet to date someone, but now I'm kinda convinced it's just me he doesn't like.
It just hard dealing with those issues with you have nobody to go to. I really envy people with friends who stand behind them whenever you need them.
I hope writhing this down here will help me process this.
Tnx for reading
PJ