My first relationship

[deserter85]

Hi all, I'm rather new to this board and this is the first thread that I'm starting...

I've been going out with this guy (I'm 24, he's 43 by the way) that I've been seeing for the last 2.5 months or so. Things are going great but because this is my first relationship , there are a few areas that I think I might need some help in.

1) He'd suggested that I should move in with him when my current rental lease ends at the end of the year. I do want to do this very much and I do think that this could be a good idea for us since I'm spending half of my time at his place anyway. However, we've only been together for 2.5 months. Is there such a thing as "too fast" when it comes to moving in together?

2) How does one keep anal sex spontaneous? I'm the bottom and there are a few times when we're just sitting on the couch watching T.V. and we end up fooling around. And just when things get hot and heavy, I have to go "Erm... Give me sometime to clean myself out". He doesn't have a problem with that as he uses that time to set the mood lighting, get drinks ready etc but I feel it will be so much better if it could be more spontaneous (i.e. less interruptions).

3) I suck at doing romantic things. I desperately need help in that department. Any tips? All I've done so far is a mixed tape (which he said he really enjoyed) and I've got roses and gourmet chocolates waiting for him at home when he returned from a 2 week business trip. And that's it. I think I'm all out of ideas. Plus the fact that I'm a student means that money is a factor as well.

4) He just came out of a relationship with his boyfriend of 10 years at the start of the year. Should I be concerned by the fact that I am totally nothing like his prior boyfriend? Different age, race, interests, jobs etc. Also, I'm physically very different from the guys in his porn collection. Should I be concerned by that as well? I'm not driving myself crazy over this though, as he seems to be really into me.

5) I'm by nature an introvert. As such, when he introduces me to his friends during social functions, I tend to stay very quiet and don't really speak unless I'm spoken to. So I guess my question is: Do you think being "too quiet" is going to have a negative impact on his friend's impression of me?

My boyfriend and I do communicate a lot about various elements of our relationship, but at the same time, I do not wish to burden him completely with having to teach me everything (does that make sense)?

 

[sixthson]

I think you should wait awhile longer before taking the step of moving in together for a couple of reasons. First, you are new to relationships and he is just out of a 10 year one. It's hard to imagine he does not still have some issues in that area that need his attention before moving on to another. The second reason for waiting is simply because you show your hesitance just by asking the question. Afterall, it has only been 2.5 months...you barely know each other.

Good luck.

 

[deserter85]

Thanks Sixthson for your valuable input and I will definitely keep what you had siad (and what other posters might have to contribute) in mind before I make a decision with regards to moving in.

It will be good if someone can answer my other questions as well.

Thanks in advance.

 

[terps420]

1) Yes, for most people, 2 and a half months is wayy too quick to move in with whoever they're seeing. Ask yourself a couple of questions. Do you love him? Can you muster the idea of having nowhere to go of your own when you don't feel like being with him?

2) If you're not comfortable unless you're completely so fresh and so clean-clean for each and every time you do the deed with him, then maybe you should re evaluate question number one.

3) Being romantic is overrated. Most people put a greater emphasis on the little things. The novelty in the small stuff doesn't run out the way it does with the cheesy, cliche romantic things. The 2 AM text where they just want to know how you're doing. Waking up to an already made breakfast in bed. The tiny little love note you stuffed in their pocket found mid-day at work. Thoughtful yet inexpensive anniversary presents. Etc, etc.

4) No, unless you think he chose you because you're completely different from his ex, then you shouldn't worry about it.

5) Yes, especially because you're almost 20 years younger than him. Not having much to say to most people will come off as you being stuck-up. I have a close friend who is undeniably gorgeous, very delicate soft features. Hes very "pretty" but straight, naturally thin, lean, tan, and has that wavy tamed kindof grecco-roman hair that ancient statues always have; but because he's so quiet, almost everyone thinks he's a pretentious jerk who says nothing because he thinks hes better than everyone. But he's not, he's just not that comfortable unless he's in a small group of people he already knows. It might not have negative impact for you, but it most certainly will not have a positive one neither.

 

[deserter85]

Thanks Terps420 for your reply. And I guess it's now my turn to respond to your remarks

1) Yes, I do love him. But I have to admit I have to give more thought to your second question. There are times when I do think that moving in could be a good idea (more time with him, don't have to travel between houses etc.) but there are times when I don't think it might be the best idea (e.g. differences in living habits etc.). When he first suggested the idea of moving in, I didn't say yes immediately. I made a counter-suggestion of a "trial period", whereby I'll be spending even more time at his place and actually try out living together for most days of the week. The first 2 weeks didn't go all that well (there was tension at times) but I thought last week did go rather well. I think I'm going to give a definite answer with regards to moving in only at the end of the trial period (which is when my rental lease ends).

2) Well, I don't exactly clean myself out every single time. But if it's been quite a while (say maybe 1.5-2 days?) since I last cleaned the rectum out, I do find myself stopping him so that I can do that.

3) Thanks for your input. I'm already doing some of the things you've suggested, so I guess I'm on the right track.

4) Nah. It just happened to be so.

5) Thanks for that. I'll try to be more outgoing when he's having his old friend over for dinner this weekend.

 

[Seasoned]

You titled this thread, "my first relationship," which implies that there will be more. Is he also the first person you've had sex with? When you write that you're the bottom you seem to imply that you are exclusively bottom. Is that by choice? The beauty of gay relationships is that they can be worked out anyway the guys wish.

It seems as if you might need some coaching to act more extroverted in groups, however, if you are with a bunch of his friends, all his age, it could prove difficult. How is he around your friends, or is this all one-sided? If so it might be a good idea to ask him to spend some time with the two or three of his friends that you like best.

We all can be both students and teachers. I hope there are things you are teaching him as well. If not, I'd keep from moving in. It could stifle your independence and ability to explore life the way a young person should.

Remember, the thing about advice, take what you like and leave the rest.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a fine line between overanalyzing a relationship and being cautious.

There's all sorts of red flags that exist in this relationship but if you're happy, then allow yourself to enjoy the relationship for what it is.

My friends and I have always joked, "Never sell your furniture" when it comes to relationships. It's a cynical statement but it also is a practical way of saying that not all relationships work out and you should not find yourself trapped in a roommate situation with an ex-lover.

Given that he's coming out of a long term relationship and you're new to all of this, it might be better if you continue to live separately until you're sure that the relationship is secure and stable enough to move in together.

Love isn't enough and 2-1/2 months is not long enough to be sure whether there's enough compatibility for a long-term relationship.

Regarding your question about anal sex and spontaneity, the answer is "no".

Look- sex can be spontaneous and spur of the moment. But not every sexual act has to be spontaneous. Anal sex in particular requires prep- lube, condoms, foreplay and patience. So, you're trading impromptu "come-fuck-me-now" sex for good but planned sex... and that's a fair trade.

Which reminds me- you are using condoms, correct?

 

[deserter85]

Thanks soreknees and KaraBulut for your replies.

To Soreknee's comments: No, he isn't the first guy I had sex with. Yes, I am a bottom by choice. At this time, he has yet to meet any of my friends as I am still in the process of coming out (only my closer friends know about him and the fact that I'm gay). But I've already made plans to let my closer friends know him. Actually, before I had met my boyfriend, I was completely closeted. But once I realized that I wanted a relationship with him, I started to come out as I didn't want him to feel like he is a dirty little secret that I'm ashamed to tell people about. Whereas when I'm just having sex with random people, I believed that my sexual orientation isn't really anyone's business but mine. I can't afford to come out completely (especially to my family) at this point in time due to certain reasons which he understands completely and he is very supportive of me. He never, at any point in time, forced me to come out but instead he allowed me to come out to others at my own pace, and that is one thing I'm very grateful for.

To KaraBulut: I've been told that I over-analyze everything all the time and that I should just "go with the flow more". And that is a very hard thing for me to do as I am extremely cautious about everyone and everything. So yes, I use condoms. And I don't really think that I'll ever be O.K. with bareback sex. It's a personal choice.

 

[crowboy]

I'll leave the relationship advice to those more qualified than myself. As for romance, the most romatic thing one can do is to show you care by doing something small but that shows you know what the other person likes.
For example, what is his favourite movie? Surprise him with a movie night, favourite movie, popcorn, a few drinks and a cuddle on the couch. Sounds good to me.
Or cook him his favourite meal and do something simple like cut some of the food into heart shapes or serve it wearing only bowtie and underwear.
Or make a booklet of vouchers for him. Include things such as massages, hugs, kisses etc. You could also add a few X rated things as well.
What ever you do keep it simple, learn what he likes and use it.
Good luck to you.

 

[deserter85]

Hi all,

Thanks for all your replies. After talking things through with my boyfriend, we have come to a decision with regards to moving in together.

I will stay at his place more and more from now till the end of my lease (which expires at the end of the year). If by then we're still together and we think that our living habits will not drive each other crazy, I will move in with him. By then, we'd be together for 6 months or so... So I don't think that will be too fast...

 

[Lube]

^That's exactly what I was going to suggest. Good plan. Living with someone can be very difficult, as you both have to make sacrifices. Things that are weird or cute at the beginning become onerous and annoying after a few months together.

The key to romance is (a) surprises and (b) doing something that he, specifically, likes. It shows you know him well and know his likes. As others said, it could be little, inexpensive/free things, but unique to him.

As Kara said, don't sell your stuff. Put it in his garage or storage. I've been living with my bf for almost a year, and my stuff is still in storage (although I may sell it all at our 1-year anniversary). But I'm still a little nervous because my previous relationship lasted a year and a half. I guess you never really know! But as your first relationship, it probably won't be your last.

Good luck and keep us posted.