My friend wants me, but he has a b/f~!

[backseatboy]

My friend and I have been best friends for years, his name is Blake. I knew he was gay, he was open about it. I've never said the words "I'm gay" to him, because i was in the closet in high-school, but he knew.

When I moved away for college Blake found a boyfriend. I liked Blake a-lot, and he liked me... so I was kinda jealous. But, I got over that, and I made a point to keep my distance to respect his new boyfriend. BUT, Blake doesn't want me to back away... He wants to hang out for hours every-time I'm in town for a weekend. He wants me to write him, leave notes on his car, call/text him everyday. He still wants to travel this summer with me. And Blake wants me to spend the nights at his apt WITH his boyfriend there. Why would he want me to do this? That would be very uncomfortable for me, and he knows that. His boyfriend doesn't like me as it is.

Blake called me about a month ago, and his boyfriend is leaving town for a month this summer. Blake wants me to spend time with him while his boyfriend is in New York. My question is: is this behavior normal? is it right for Blake to want me and his boyfriend equally? or am I overreacting?

Your thoughts are appreciated! I will be going home this summer, and don't know what to do.. We are best friends and don't want to hurt our friendship.

The only thing that I've done, was come out in college. Something I wasn't ready to do in my hometown. Blake called me last night semi-drunk, demanding to know who I've liked, kissed, and dated this past semester. Why would be be worried about that, he never has before. I'm sorry if this is scattered, it is hard to make sense of this problem in words..I have a feeling Blake still likes me alot, only found a boyfriend when I left because he didn't have me to hang with, and still wants to keep me close. I'm in a awkward position.

 

[Philsy]

Well for starters, do you like him for more than just a friend? Have you given him any reason to think you and him could be a couple? Maybe he just really enjoys your company and likes to spend time with you and his boyfriend. If it bothers continues to bother you, sit down and have a talk with him.

Good Luck

 

[josher]

It sounds like either he wants to dump the bf for you or have you on the side while keeping the boyfriend. Do you want him for a bf? Do you want to cheat with him on his bf, if that's what he's after? If you wanted him for a boyfriend, if he dumped his curent bf, would you trust him not to do the same thing to you? If you just want to be friends with him explain that, but he may not be willing to take no for an answer. And remember: absence makes the heart grow fonder. He may be fantisizing about you because you're away at school most of the time.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Since you were deep in that closet, and both of you did noting except know you were both gay, maybe Blake wants to find out if you two can do more!?!?!?!?! Sounds like he does.

If your looking and wanting more in your friendship but feel uncomfortable about a threesome, I think you need to tell Blake how you feel about him, the bf, and you together! Only suggestion I can offer at the moment mate!

Let us know what happens, K?

 

[Ninja108]

I would say no. As long as he's dating someone else, you should not allow yourself to be a thing on the side or help him cheat on his boyfriend.

 

[swerve]

BBB...

Here's the deal...

Blake has known you since high school and considers you a FRIEND...

PROBABLY a CLOSE friend due to the time ya'll have been together...

AS A FRIEND....

He likes to hang out with you when his lover is gone...

NOTHING more...

 

[racer2438]

dont be the in the middle. if he wants you then be the adult and tell him as long as he is in a relationship with someone you can do that out of respect for all involved. That you value his friendship and when he is single for him to look you up. If you are not attached then fine . But be the adult, because if he cheats on him he may cheat on you later. And once a cheater probly always a cheater.
Someone has to have morals here.

 

[rareboy]

Ewwwwwwwwwwww. Blake sounds like a dick. Stay well away from this one sweetie. What he's about to do to his current bf, he'll be doing to you.

 

[jaxon29]

Well you said the bf doesn't like you, so if Blake wants to mess around while he's gone, or on the side while the bf is there, I wouldn't want to be the 'other guy'. You all have been friends for some time and now that you're both out to each other, he probably feels an even closer bond. If his bf is gone this summer, he naturally would look to close friends to hang with. The question is what are his intentions or feelings beyond that. You need to talk and if he wants the two of you to be a couple, do you feel that way towards him?

 

[123kid]

ummm yeah i was thinking 3some.....................but thats just me, i digress

 

[Just_Believe18]

I understand your concern completely. I hope we can help you here as best as possible.

I am nearly 100% certain he is asking you to stay with him so he can make a sexual move on you. If you go, I can almost guarantee you will be pressured into sexual contact.

Blake's drunken call demanding who you've had intimate contact with was out of a fit of jealously. He is way out of line and had no business asking you about.. well, your business. He wants to be in control of your life and his boyfriend's. If his boyfriend doesn't like you, it is probably because he recognizes the unhealthy obsession Blake has for you. He feels like Blake is already emotionally cheating on him and he's taking it out on you. That should be a red flag to let you know Blake has bad intentions for you once his boyfriend is far away.

I understand he is your best friend and you are attracted to him emotionally and physically. However, this will only end ugly. Remember, he has a boyfriend. How would you feel if Blake was pursuing another guy behind your back? If he cheated on his boyfriend for you, how could you trust him not to do the same to you? You can't.

Save your friendship and yourself from a lot of drama by simply making up the excuse that you already have plans with your family for the summer and that you can't stay. I wouldn't be surprised if he found another boy or hook-up to replace the both of you. Wait until he breaks up with his boyfriend, then he's fair game.

So please, don't do it.

 

[bluedragon4]

I love how people put a lot of thought into this-they are 18!!!! whatever relationship he's in won't last and the drama that is 18 will play out between you two and end in a dawson creek moment.

 

[iosif2]

Most of us are assuming that Blake is ready to make a move on you, and I don't disagree, but my bet is that Blake has always loved you above anyone, and as another poster mentioned, he is with his boyfriend because he needed a replacement when you went away. I think he might be torn because you are finally available and he doesn't want to lose you. We don't know if you are interested in him. I assume you are because you are feeling awkward about this situation. If you have feelings for him and wish you could be with him, you owe it to both of you to clear the air. However it doesn't mean anyone needs to cheat on anyone else. Blake might need support in finding the courage to be honest with his BF and breakup. Now let's say that you don't want Blake as a lover. Still you can see that he holds a love for you greater than that of his boyfriend. He might do well to face this reality and break up with his boyfriend anyway, until he is able to be with someone to whom he can dedicate all his love. Right now that person is you and he is able to do that. But if that person can't be you, your job is to lay it on the line and make him understand that. Don't allow him to continue harbouring fantasies of romance. You owe it to Blake to let him know where you stand. By not taking action now, he will continue in his misguided ways. Here is the chance to show just how good of a friend you are by helping empower him to choose an honest path. It will be difficult in any case, but would you rather he not face up to facts and mess things up between you? I wish you all the best with your difficult but not unsurmountable challenge. You can always vent with us here. Keep us posted. Peace

 

[backpacker]

My guess is that he is probably just missing his best friend. Nothing you said makes me think he wants more.

 

[backseatboy]

Thanks for all the replies! Sorry I could not have gotten back to yall sooner. Finals are killing me. I appreciate it.

I now fully intend to wait until Blake breaks up with his boyfriend to figure out what's up with him.

Two facts that you should know, that I forgot to mention in my original post:

the summer I told him I was going to college out of town, he went through three guys; and he cheated on each of them with his new interest. Guy #1 goes to my university, guy#2, I really liked and was seeing earlier that summer, and guy #3 is the current one.

He left his parents house to live with his new b/f, who is a seven years older than him. I know the age difference doesn't matter to some people, but it bothers me a-lot..

Im going to respond to as many of you guys as I can before my roommate gets back from work. Thanks again everyone!

Well for starters, do you like him for more than just a friend? Have you given him any reason to think you and him could be a couple? Maybe he just really enjoys your company and likes to spend time with you and his boyfriend. If it bothers continues to bother you, sit down and have a talk with him.

Good Luck

Thats a deep question. By my senior year in highschool EVERYONE thought we were married, cuz we spent every minute together. We have traveled all around together, even shared beds on multiple occasions. The only thing we have done in bed was tickle each other, and he knew I wasn't too comfortable (there were two other people in the room when that happened). If I came out in my hometown, and Blake didn't have a b/f, I know I would look to him for companionship.

It sounds like either he wants to dump the bf for you or have you on the side while keeping the boyfriend. Do you want him for a bf? Do you want to cheat with him on his bf, if that's what he's after? If you wanted him for a boyfriend, if he dumped his curent bf, would you trust him not to do the same thing to you? If you just want to be friends with him explain that, but he may not be willing to take no for an answer. And remember: absence makes the heart grow fonder. He may be fantisizing about you because you're away at school most of the time.

He has an awful history of cheating.. My sister had a b/f who cheated on her with my sisters best friend, and I saw first hand how hurt she was. So I will not let my self cheat with him on his b/f.

The whole trust issue has been shattered since last summer, and is just now re-growing. I am not sure if he would do the same thing to me.. He drinks and parties ALOT, and I cannot keep up with his lifestyle. But, maybe I could change that? I dunno.

Since you were deep in that closet, and both of you did noting except know you were both gay, maybe Blake wants to find out if you two can do more!?!?!?!?! Sounds like he does.

If your looking and wanting more in your friendship but feel uncomfortable about a threesome, I think you need to tell Blake how you feel about him, the bf, and you together! Only suggestion I can offer at the moment mate!

Let us know what happens, K?

A threesome sounds interesting, but I cannot see how that could work out for anyone emotionally. Blake's b/f and I hit it off well (i think), the one time I met him. I will let you all know. odd as it is, you all are really the only people I can talk to that actually have advice I'd trust.

I would say no. As long as he's dating someone else, you should not allow yourself to be a thing on the side or help him cheat on his boyfriend.

I'm starting to really agree with you. I like Blake a-lot, but I am not going to be a thing on the side, and I can't help him cheat, my good morals are getting the better of me.

BBB...

Here's the deal...

Blake has known you since high school and considers you a FRIEND...

PROBABLY a CLOSE friend due to the time ya'll have been together...

AS A FRIEND....

He likes to hang out with you when his lover is gone...

NOTHING more...

As likely as that is, I don't want to believe it. Maybe because I am blinded because I like him. That is what makes this all the more confusing and difficult for me.

I understand your concern completely. I hope we can help you here as best as possible.

I am nearly 100% certain he is asking you to stay with him so he can make a sexual move on you. If you go, I can almost guarantee you will be pressured into sexual contact.

Blake's drunken call demanding who you've had intimate contact with was out of a fit of jealously. He is way out of line and had no business asking you about.. well, your business. He wants to be in control of your life and his boyfriend's. If his boyfriend doesn't like you, it is probably because he recognizes the unhealthy obsession Blake has for you. He feels like Blake is already emotionally cheating on him and he's taking it out on you. That should be a red flag to let you know Blake has bad intentions for you once his boyfriend is far away.

I understand he is your best friend and you are attracted to him emotionally and physically. However, this will only end ugly. Remember, he has a boyfriend. How would you feel if Blake was pursuing another guy behind your back? If he cheated on his boyfriend for you, how could you trust him not to do the same to you? You can't.

Save your friendship and yourself from a lot of drama by simply making up the excuse that you already have plans with your family for the summer and that you can't stay. I wouldn't be surprised if he found another boy or hook-up to replace the both of you. Wait until he breaks up with his boyfriend, then he's fair game.

So please, don't do it.

You make so much sense! He was out of line by asking about my personal life. But, I told him. I have not been with anyone since I left. And I don't think telling him the truth helped...

And, iosif2, thanks for saying that.

------
Thanks VERY much guys, you've given me a-lot to think about before I head back next week.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I wish you the best. Let us know if anything comes up over the summer so you have someone to talk to. A sticky situation like that is hard to deal with alone.

 

[theFallenGod]

OK... after reading all this I have to interject....

My best friend... dearest to me of all the people on this planet... was always with me.... people naturally assumed we were together even though neithe r of us was interested in the other... we had a lot of history together as friends... never as anything else...

Now I look at the situation and see it as this... hers a guy who's out and going through a lot in his personal life... you are the friend that was always there for him... You are the anchor in his life... you represent something strong and stable that will be there in times of need ...as a friend... honestly... I don't think he's trying to get in your pants I just think he misses his friend and wants him to be a part of his life....

My best friend calls me often...tells me all about the new things in his life and tells me repeatedly how much he misses me... being that I now live 1500 miles away from him.... I know that he's not trying to get in my pants... I know its because we were both there for one another and wish we could both be there for one another now physically rather than just emotionally.....

I think a lot of gay men don't understand the bonds that friendship makes and that everything someone does isn't solely to sleep with someone....

 

[SilverRRCloud]

How about meeting up with Blake for a an afternoon talk. With big mugs of coffee.

He is your best friend and he thinks the world of you. So, both of you guys spill out your beans and see where you stand. Just an open, no holds and no bars talk. About what he really wants. About what you really want and about his current BF.

No games, no waste of time, no cheating. Two dudes in an open but absolutely private talk.

Being such great friends, this should not be too difficult to arrange.

SC

 

[backseatboy]

**UPDATE**

Sigh, I got an email from Blake. It was a message with a link. The link took me to a music video of Joss Stone - Spoiled.. For those who don't know the lyrics: http://www.sing365.com/music/Lyric.nsf/Spoiled-lyrics-Joss-Stone/9AAFB2B77F5E579448256EEC0010D5B7

I replied, basically asking if that video was directed toward me, or his b/f; because from his viewpoint, those lyrics could apply to either of us, i think. I'm SO confused.. He just replied asking if I am in town yet..

I've called him a few times the past few days, but he isn't answering his phone. We really need to talk, because he is really hurting me by being so vague. I didn't mind playing this game when I was in college, but that I'm home I need resolution. Ironically, I just met a very cute gay guy today, who, thanks to a friend of mine, know "a-lot" about me and wants to get to know me (he just came out). I just don't want to do anything I'm going to regret next week, you know? aghhh, this sucks. I swear, someone up above wants to make this difficult for me.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Go for the cute new guy! Don't waste your time with Blake! Sheesh, that's an easy one. Now you have an excuse to stay distracted all summer. Don't play Blake's mind games. Screw him and live your life.

Your life.