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My Guy and his Ex

R

rachelwinders

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I got in a fight with my guy the other night. I want to see if I could get some feedback and advice here. I am in a committed relationship with my guy for 9 months now. The other day his friend was telling him what's been going on with his ex. It was just an update kind of thing. The friend gets her hair done by my ex's friend. The two talk and the friend then tells my guy about his ex. I know my guy doesn't pursue any information. He doesn't ask and try to find out. The friend voluntarily offers the information.

I don't like the fact that my guy continues to hear about his ex. I told him that he should just tell his friend to stop telling him about his ex. He says that that would be rude. he also says that he wishes his ex the best and that he was a big part of his life for 4 years. I guess the ex was going through bad times in the past so he has compassion. He got mad because he says that he doesn't ask to hear about it and he doesn't want to hear about it. But if this was the case, wouldn't you tell your friend to stop updating? I want to be with my guy and have no continuation of my guy hearing about his ex. He should be done with it and no looking back.

Am I wrong for wanting my guy to tell his friend to stop telling him about his ex?
 
rachelwinders said:
Am I wrong for wanting my guy to tell his friend to stop telling him about his ex?
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IMHO opinion it sounds to me like you're being too controlling of him. You're telling him what he may or may not discuss. This also suggests you don't inherently trust him. He may be picking up on that.
 
I was with my ex for 5 years, we are still friends. After we broke up he started dating someone. They are still together 15 years later. Hi current boyfriend, husband whatever is still jealous of me even though I don't give him reason to be, I keep communication between my ex and me to the minimal to keep peace in his current relationship. Do you want to be this person 15 years down the road? worrying about his ex, when he is not? Think about it.
 
You guys are right. Here I am thinking that posters would side with me, but it is not the case. I can see it as me being controlling. I know I need to loosen up and stop being paranoid. I trust the guy, I really do. I just don't want anyone or anything jeopardize what we have. I feel like things are so great that I worry constantly about trying to make things even better. I over analyze situations. I guess in this particular situation it bothered me because I know in the beginning of our relationship, he was still holding out hope for his ex.
 
I know what it's like to worry or over think things. As long as he's not in touch with his ex, everything is fine. As far as his chatty girlfriend is concerned, she would irritate me too.
 
yeah,maybe you should have a talk with chatty kathy instead of your boyfriend. She's the one who keeps bringing up his ex, not him. He's at work when this happen. He may be just doing his job and keeping it professional
 
At this rate, your relationship won't last that long.
 
rachel, to put it nicely, you can't always get what you want...et cetera!

that situation is his past and if you keep stiking your node in that doorway, you could have the door slammed in your face.

worry about your current relationship not his yesterdays, if you are a controlling bitch you might find yourself as an ex as well
 
Jory said:
That might cause problem between the two of you as well if you do that
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Yeah, to proactively circumvent the BF, and go behind his back in an attempt to control who he sees and what he hears is really out of bounds. I'd leave over that kind of issue.

You either trust him or you don't, even if you don't trust him you still have no right to control access to him. If you can't trust him, you won't get very far. Saying you trust him only means something if you follow through on it.
 
there has got to be more going on in your life than gossip from a hair dresser getting you down.

Don't you both have jobs or school or hobbies or something. How about just spend time and work on yourselves so that no matter what this person says about his ex to your bf, it's moot.
 
It is not that serious. Unless he's visiting the ex...what's the problem. And just agree not to discuss this. And I think as humans, you have to realize that your boyfriend gave a chunk of himself to that guy, so there will always be a little something there...and for me personally(not that I've been in a relationship), I just think by common sense, for some time, your boyfriend will from time to time wish he was back with his ex and that things worked out differently...he needs time to work it out in his head and move on...(he obviously hasn't completely...)and you telling him what to discuss or not isn't helping...at least, try to be nicer and more understanding, instead of gung ho...and you're not gonna like this...you sound a little jealous....it's natural...just be more understanding and put yourself in his shoes and I think it'll work out...and realize it's normal for your guy to want a little update from time to time to keep himself somewhat sane..love is sticky and not easily dissipated...
 
Long story short, he was with his ex for 4 years. That's a significant amount of time. Let him work it out. Maybe he likes hearin updates, maybe he doesnt. Either way it's HIS choice whether or not to hear about it.

Just remember, they broke up for a reason, it wasn't working for one or both of them. He is now with you, forging a new bond, embrace it.

My boyrfriends last long term ex lives a block away from him, and they communicate somewhat frequently, like weekly, I'm not eally sure. In any case, it doesn't bother me. Everyone's got issues and hangups, you just have to learn to deal with them if you want to be with this guy. Otherwise you will end up pushing him away which is exactly what you don't want.
 
If you don't chill out, you're going to cause the very thing you're worried about.
 
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