My Head...is Going to EXPLODE!! please help.

[hollabackyo]

okay...so i am at a loss here, i feel like i'm loosing my mind so i i'll explain why.

since 7th grade i have felt some physical attraction towards guys, and have ignored denied and justified them all along. so i am a "nice" guy (never get girls), i dress really well...i guess you could say im really into clothes and my hair and looking good. i have been explaining to people for many years that i like girls, and don't like boys. while until this point i have merely been attracted to guys physically, and always wanted to date girls...things have been changing a little. you see, i am still attracted to girls--which is i guess an indicator that i am bi.

but recently i met this guy (someone in my group of friends) and i am so attracted to him. but unlike my previous feelings towards guys, which only consisted of wanting to fuck them, this one was different. it really felt like a rug was pulled out from under me, and i have been obsessed like a school kid and literally couldnt stop staring when we were all hanging out, and it was like i was possessed. and the funny part is i would stare until he would look at me, lock eyes for a second or two so he knew i was looking, and then i'd look away. you have to understand i've never done anything like that before.

the trouble is that there are several gay guys in our group of friends and one bi guy, and i just feel like its so lame to suddenly be like "oh me too". and the fact of the matter is there is a LOT going on in my personal life that would prevent me from coming any kind of out...my mom currently has cancer and it has been a really hard struggle for my whole family. coming from a big italian family EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING, and i have one gay uncle and a lesbian aunt on one side and really the family is so cool about everything. But this is where it gets tricky...i could never imagine having the courage to tell my whole MASSIVE italian family, that looks at me like i am some kind of prophecy (going to college, "you're so handsome", etc).

it just feels like the entirely wrong time to even THINK about bringing anything up to my family, especially when i havent even really tried it out. i have only gotten...hmm how can i put it, i have only been on the receiving end of guys who didnt care that i wasn't interested in giving back. and i never really spoke to most of them again.

SO i have been defending my heterosexuality for years, not only to myself but to seemingly everyone around me. and by doing so i haven't really felt any kind of "crush" or attraction to anyone, for a WHILE now. so feeling asexual i was VERY suprised when all of the sudden this guy comes out of nowhere and has me feeling things that i have not felt in a long time, AND never felt for a guy. its not like the typical i wanna fuck him.....its more of a i want to be hooking up with him feeling, the whole nine yards. and i never have wanted to kiss a guy before.

so...dealing with my mom going through chemotherapy, dealing with the thought of my brother's look of shock and horror, dealing with the constant RAGING thoughts of this guy.

MY HEAD FEELS LIKE ITS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!! and i don't know what to do to make it better. i am truly truly truly at a loss.

please help.

 

[StlKj]

You don't have to tell anyone in your family until you feel ready. You need to come to terms with it first. But if you have gay relatives, why not seek out one of them and talk to them privately about it? And when you do feel it's time to tell someone in your family, you won't have to tell them all. It's not an announcement at a family gathering. You tell a few people, and it'll eventually get around to anyone you want to know but didn't want to tell. But until you're ready, what business is it of theirs?

If you've been "defending" your heterosexuality to people for years, then people around you already suspect and perhaps even know. They're just waiting for you to catch up and stop denying it.

You have gay friends who would be supportive of you, and yet you don't want to just jump on the bandwagon. Why? Because of how YOU feel about it.

You've got far more potential support than most young people who come out. If you're not using it, it's because you're still not comfortable with yourself. Maybe letting yourself actually have feelings for someone and reciprocating the attention would be the first step towards being okay with you.

 

[aijalon18]

I'm no expert but I definitely think you should at least tell your mom. With her being sick she should definitely know the real you. I'm sure she would appreciate it and feel so much closer to you.

Plus I'm sure she already knows you are gay/bi. Parents, especially mothers, always know these things or have a huge suspicion. Even the most supportive parents just don't know how to broach the subject.

Also, with everything that is going on with your mom it is doubtful that your family will decide to persecute and ostracize her son.

 

[hotb0d]

Do you ever feel like to just let everything go? Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and just shake all the weights off your shoulders? I think it's admirable of you to think about your family, especially your mother, but sooner or later you have to learn to be selfish and live for yourself. You can't make others happy if you're not happy yourself. Aren't Italian families are well known for their strong bonds and love through thick and thin? If they love you, they will continue to love you unconditionally.

If you don't want to say anything to your family yet, that is up to you. Mere replies from a forum website can't possible convince you otherwise. But I do suggest that if you have an ounce of interest for this guy then pursue it. Use this opportunity to discover who you are as a person, it will only make you stronger and more happier.

 

[rareboy]

First you have to separate one thing from another.

Your mother's cancer has nothing to do with your feelings for this other guy.

But I think that you're getting the things all mixed in together.

What is the big deal if you just start spending time with this guy? Even kissing him. Your mom isn't going to get better or die because of it.

So give her the time and attention she needs.

Give yourself the time and attention you need.

Give this guy in your life the time he deserves.

At the end of the day, your parents probably just want to know that you're happy.

 

[Lube]

1. Your mom will be thrilled when you finally come out to her. If you've been "defending" your heterosexuality for years, EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS, Dude!

2. Your friends won't think you're being "me-too". They'll say, "Well, it's about time you came out!". Trust me.

3. And you already have gay relatives that the family is OK with? All this drama is in your head. Your family and friends are simply waiting for you to confirm what they already know: You are gay.

Welcome to the club.

 

[FrankLeeMyDear]

Give yourself time.

Coming out starts with coming out to yourself first. Once you are comfortable with being gay you can begin to tell others. You don't have to be 100 percent accepting of yourself, but you need to be comfortable enough with your feelings so that if you are rejected by friends or family you won't feel overwhelmed.

As to telling your Mom, base this on your relationship with her. If she is going through chemotherapy she has a lot to deal with right now. She needs her strength to heal. If you think that coming out to her will cause some emotional problems with her you might want to wait until she is feeling better.

The gay uncle might be a better person to talk to first. Again, it depends on your relationship with him. He might be helpful in that he could be an outlet for you to talk to about the way you are feeling.

It sounds like you have a lot going on at this point in your life. Take care of yourself.

 

[hollabackyo]

well first of all thanks for all your reponses!

for the first time its like i can no longer ignore my attraction to guys, which i have locked up for years. at this point, like most of you can tell i'm not sure of what i really like. and i also realize that telling my family is not realistic or smart since i don't even know how i feel myself yet. however my friends is another story...its really hard to think about telling them too. i think it would be FAR easier to tell my college friends than my home friends, frankly the thought of coming out as bi or w/e to my family/friends from home makes me want to throw up with anxiety.

but if i am free with my feelings at school then its only a matter of time before my college friends find out. but i think at this point i will play it by ear and see where it leads me.

honestly, its almost like this guy that i am mildly obsessing over is like a sign. a sign that i can NOT ignore. for whatever reason he is absolutely irresistible to me, i literally found myself staring every second that i got. i don't know exactly what it is but i couldnt stop having racing thoughts about him, and like i said its different than usual...i usually only want sex or something. but this time its like i want him, all of him--and that is what scared me the most. but i guess realizing i want more than just sexual pleasure from him is the first step to realizing why i am the way i am.

its making me realize why for years i have been so picky, so critical, and so complacent about being with girls. its just SO MUCH to think about, when my mind is already full from thinking of my sick mom. and its about to get filled with school on top of it.

i just feel like i have a FULL plate, and something needs to come off of it, yanno?

 

[rareboy]

^ So... focus on school.

Take a more mature attitude toward family problems and your sexuality.

Recognize that everything has its own place and time and stop letting all it slosh around together. I repeat, give each thing the time it is due and then focus on the work or the pleasures at hand.

 

[mydrew1]

You'll have to come out to your friends. Otherwise how are you going to get a chance with this crush.

 

[Lube]

honestly, its almost like this guy that i am mildly obsessing over is like a sign. a sign that i can NOT ignore. for whatever reason he is absolutely irresistible to me, i literally found myself staring every second that i got. i don't know exactly what it is but i couldnt stop having racing thoughts about him, and like i said its different than usual...i usually only want sex or something. but this time its like i want him, all of him--and that is what scared me the most. but i guess realizing i want more than just sexual pleasure from him is the first step to realizing why i am the way i am.

Wow, that sounds eerily like when I came out to myself. You really can't deny now, can you? That was a mind-blowing moment for me, too. Congrats, I know the feeling!

for the first time its like i can no longer ignore my attraction to guys, which i have locked up for years. at this point, like most of you can tell i'm not sure of what i really like. and i also realize that telling my family is not realistic or smart since i don't even know how i feel myself yet.

Well, my previous advice still stands, but perhaps you do need to wait a few months before doing it. As FrankLeeMyDear said, you do need to be accepting of yourself first. It sounds like you're going down that path now. Don't worry about being 100% sure. 75% sure is fine.

however my friends is another story...its really hard to think about telling them too. i think it would be FAR easier to tell my college friends than my home friends, frankly the thought of coming out as bi or w/e to my family/friends from home makes me want to throw up with anxiety.

Yes, it would be far easier to come out in college. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell your high school friends. It's silly to think your high school friends wouldn't be understanding and accepting. Seriously, they already know you're gay. They're just waiting for you to accept it and tell them. Really. Once you tell them, you'll no longer want to vomit, and you'll kick yourself for not telling them sooner. Really.

its making me realize why for years i have been so picky, so critical, and so complacent about being with girls. its just SO MUCH to think about, when my mind is already full from thinking of my sick mom. and its about to get filled with school on top of it.

Is your mom's cancer terminal or curable? What's the prognosis? Are Rareboy said, you need to compartmentalize your mom from your sexuality from school.

i just feel like i have a FULL plate, and something needs to come off of it, yanno?

Hey, that's life. We all wish our lives were less complicated. Being an adult means having to deal with shit like this.

Really, coming out isn't the big deal it used to be.