My HIV+ Story - Looking for????

[scooter63]

Hello,

First, it has been a long time since I was here. I took a different job driving truck over the road and did not have consistent internet nor a computer in the truck, nor the time to really spend here. I will tell you that I have missed the JUB community and all the great posts here, the advice and comments of members, and the questions of others, and one would be remiss if you didn't mention all the great looking guys who post their pictures. So I am back now and feeling good about that.

So onto the post. I came back in off the road about 1 1/2 years ago and took a job locally to be able to spend time with family and to try and get my roommate back on track. So I was home about 7 months and I had noticed a very dramatic change in bowel habits and after a few more months of waiting and trying to change diet, I went to the doctor about that concern and decided that I was going to be totally honest with my doctor for the first time and told him that I was a gay man. He asked if I have ever had an HIV test done and I told him that I thought I was doing everything right and correct and using condoms for anal sex. He ran the test and a few days later I got a call with the worst news that a gay man can receive. I was HIV positive. That was February of 2016. I saw my infectious disease doctor and went over and through a whole lot of information. Started medication and by April was undetectable. My doctor was impressed and told me that was good.

Other than my doctors and my case manager at the local HIV/AIDS office no one knows of my status. My roommate who is also HIV+ does not know. I haven't felt like telling anyone about my change of status as one I don't necessarily think it is their business to know but also possibly because I am still ashamed. I really don't know why I don't want to talk about it. Like do other people go around and talk about being diabetic, a cancer patient, a heart patient? I don't know maybe I am wrong in thinking.

I went to a visit with a counselor for a visit and after finding out when a person can schedule appointments with her conflicts with my ability to get time off work. I work at a place where my work schedule starts at 7:30 a.m. and goes until 5:30 to 6:00 p.m. and to find an appointment after that is hard to come by. I do feel like that I need counseling to handle all of the issues that I have. That is one task that I need to work on and find. That I know.

During my doctor visit, she did an anal pap smear and the results came back positive for a type of rectal cancer and condyloma. My doctor told me that gay men are more prone to rectal cancer and to have test results come back positive and that it needs to be evaluated. In regards to the condyloma, she also told me that it is part of the HPV family and that most sexually active people have been exposed to it. All other STD tests came back negative. My health care provider is connected with the Mayo Clinic Health System and in June I went to Rochester to have the legions/cells/nodules of concern for the cancer as well as the condyloma removed. Recovery from that has not been easy nor nice. Still have pain and bleeding during bowel movements and afterwards. During follow up, I told my doctor about it and during examination found that I have a post surgical fissure and was prescribed a cream to help heal. I think my December appointment will have a second surgery to correct that issue.

So not only do I have the issue with the new diagnosis of HIV to deal with, I also have the issue of low grade cancer, condyloma, and post surgery discomfort. My bowel habits are still not where they were before and if I go off my fiber diet just a bit it is really big time pain.

Part of the whole process that I am dealing with is also the desire to meet someone for a relationship. To be with someone and to have and to hold another person near my heart. Now with HIV in the picture, people just shy away. There have been some people who have responded to my profile and said that they were interested in a relationship and after a few emails to get to know one another, their responses become smaller and smaller with less information about themselves until you get no response back from them. They said they had no problem with the HIV and I told them that if they had questions to ask and that we together would find answers to their questions. I told my case manager that I am coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely spend the remainder of my life alone.

Part of writing to me is a catharsis and allows me a way of dealing with problems. I guess that is part of the reason why this post but also to garner an idea from someone as to what to do. So there you have a big part of my life right now. I was thinking that part of this should be in the relationship thread but then again it is dual in nature.

Thank you for reading, for caring, and for your thoughts and prayers for me.

 

[Mariatenebre]

Hello,

First, it has been a long time since I was here. I took a different job driving truck over the road and did not have consistent internet nor a computer in the truck, nor the time to really spend here. I will tell you that I have missed the JUB community and all the great posts here, the advice and comments of members, and the questions of others, and one would be remiss if you didn't mention all the great looking guys who post their pictures. So I am back now and feeling good about that.

So onto the post. I came back in off the road about 1 1/2 years ago and took a job locally to be able to spend time with family and to try and get my roommate back on track. So I was home about 7 months and I had noticed a very dramatic change in bowel habits and after a few more months of waiting and trying to change diet, I went to the doctor about that concern and decided that I was going to be totally honest with my doctor for the first time and told him that I was a gay man. He asked if I have ever had an HIV test done and I told him that I thought I was doing everything right and correct and using condoms for anal sex. He ran the test and a few days later I got a call with the worst news that a gay man can receive. I was HIV positive. That was February of 2016. I saw my infectious disease doctor and went over and through a whole lot of information. Started medication and by April was undetectable. My doctor was impressed and told me that was good.

Other than my doctors and my case manager at the local HIV/AIDS office no one knows of my status. My roommate who is also HIV+ does not know. I haven't felt like telling anyone about my change of status as one I don't necessarily think it is their business to know but also possibly because I am still ashamed. I really don't know why I don't want to talk about it. Like do other people go around and talk about being diabetic, a cancer patient, a heart patient? I don't know maybe I am wrong in thinking.

I went to a visit with a counselor for a visit and after finding out when a person can schedule appointments with her conflicts with my ability to get time off work. I work at a place where my work schedule starts at 7:30 a.m. and goes until 5:30 to 6:00 p.m. and to find an appointment after that is hard to come by. I do feel like that I need counseling to handle all of the issues that I have. That is one task that I need to work on and find. That I know.

During my doctor visit, she did an anal pap smear and the results came back positive for a type of rectal cancer and condyloma. My doctor told me that gay men are more prone to rectal cancer and to have test results come back positive and that it needs to be evaluated. In regards to the condyloma, she also told me that it is part of the HPV family and that most sexually active people have been exposed to it. All other STD tests came back negative. My health care provider is connected with the Mayo Clinic Health System and in June I went to Rochester to have the legions/cells/nodules of concern for the cancer as well as the condyloma removed. Recovery from that has not been easy nor nice. Still have pain and bleeding during bowel movements and afterwards. During follow up, I told my doctor about it and during examination found that I have a post surgical fissure and was prescribed a cream to help heal. I think my December appointment will have a second surgery to correct that issue.

So not only do I have the issue with the new diagnosis of HIV to deal with, I also have the issue of low grade cancer, condyloma, and post surgery discomfort. My bowel habits are still not where they were before and if I go off my fiber diet just a bit it is really big time pain.

Part of the whole process that I am dealing with is also the desire to meet someone for a relationship. To be with someone and to have and to hold another person near my heart. Now with HIV in the picture, people just shy away. There have been some people who have responded to my profile and said that they were interested in a relationship and after a few emails to get to know one another, their responses become smaller and smaller with less information about themselves until you get no response back from them. They said they had no problem with the HIV and I told them that if they had questions to ask and that we together would find answers to their questions. I told my case manager that I am coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely spend the remainder of my life alone.

Part of writing to me is a catharsis and allows me a way of dealing with problems. I guess that is part of the reason why this post but also to garner an idea from someone as to what to do. So there you have a big part of my life right now. I was thinking that part of this should be in the relationship thread but then again it is dual in nature.

Thank you for reading, for caring, and for your thoughts and prayers for me.

I have a question if you actually were using condoms faithfully how did you get HIV? You said that you have rectal cancer and based on my research rectal cancer can only be transmitted through HPV which comes through unsafe sex. So my question was were you using condoms all of the time or was there a case where you slipped up and didn't use condoms because it only takes one unsafe time to be infected. However I do wish you the best in dealing with your problems.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

Mariatenebre really how is your post helpful? Your lecturing doesn't change the results of where the poster is now in sharing his personal story and what he facing now.

 

[scooter63]

I have a question if you actually were using condoms faithfully how did you get HIV? You said that you have rectal cancer and based on my research rectal cancer can only be transmitted through HPV which comes through unsafe sex. So my question was were you using condoms all of the time or was there a case where you slipped up and didn't use condoms because it only takes one unsafe time to be infected. However I do wish you the best in dealing with your problems.

I want to thank you for your thoughtful lecture and while you were doing your research maybe you missed a couple points. Condoms are not 100% effective. There is a chance during any sexual activity with a condom of them breaking, leaking, slipping. It might be small but it is still there whether we are talking about HIV or pregnancy. In regards to the HPV exposure, like I said, most people who are sexually active - gay or straight - have been exposed to HPV. I am old enough that I can remember life before the words HIV and AIDS and that also means that sexual activity prior to that was without a condom. So now that I have clarified things for you I want to thank you once again for your very thoughtful response and insight and help. Much appreciated.

 

[Mariatenebre]

I want to thank you for your thoughtful lecture and while you were doing your research maybe you missed a couple points. Condoms are not 100% effective. There is a chance during any sexual activity with a condom of them breaking, leaking, slipping. It might be small but it is still there whether we are talking about HIV or pregnancy. In regards to the HPV exposure, like I said, most people who are sexually active - gay or straight - have been exposed to HPV. I am old enough that I can remember life before the words HIV and AIDS and that also means that sexual activity prior to that was without a condom. So now that I have clarified things for you I want to thank you once again for your very thoughtful response and insight and help. Much appreciated.

Thank you and contrary to the poster above you I was not meaning to be mean to you. I was just sincerely wondering how you got HIV because from what I have heard if you use condoms properly you should be fine. I was just wondering if you knew how you got it IE if you were say in a committed relationship and your partner had it but didn't tell you. I hear those stories all of the time and it scares the crap out of me. Also your story truly saddens me I remember I saw a blog early on of a truck driver also who was a bugchaser and was deliberately trying to get STDS and die and he was throwing his life away and yet people like you who seems to actually be a nice guy got it even though you were trying to do the right thing and have all of these health problems. It just bugs me so much how innocent people like you are put through these health problems and yet on another note you have people who are healthy but deliberately hurting themselves making a mockery of what people like you go through. You have my sympathies. I have people in my family who have gotten cancer and I wish you success in your treatments.

 

[mbamike]

I told my case manager that I am coming to terms with the fact that I will most likely spend the remainder of my life alone.

Just because you are HIV+ doesn't mean you will spend your life alone. There are lots of serodiscordant couples. You will have to do a great deal of educating people, but you can have a loving, happy relationship with another person.

 

[scooter63]

Just because you are HIV+ doesn't mean you will spend your life alone. There are lots of serodiscordant couples. You will have to do a great deal of educating people, but you can have a loving, happy relationship with another person.

Thanks mbamike but I do feel that I will never have that meaningful relationship. Especially in the area where I live and work. Probably would have had been that way even without the HIV diagnosis. I do appreciate your thoughts and the encouragement in them. Hoping that you will have a great and Happy Thanksgiving.

 

[aidana416]

Anyone who is worth it will work through it with you. It's a virus, nothing more. Don't feel shame about it. We all contract viruses in our lifetime. Follow some of the latest news on advancements in treatment and the movement towards a cure. Some really high points. We're inching there faster than ever.

 

[palemale]

Thank you and contrary to the poster above you I was not meaning to be mean to you. I was just sincerely wondering how you got HIV because from what I have heard if you use condoms properly you should be fine. I was just wondering if you knew how you got it IE if you were say in a committed relationship and your partner had it but didn't tell you. I hear those stories all of the time and it scares the crap out of me. Also your story truly saddens me I remember I saw a blog early on of a truck driver also who was a bugchaser and was deliberately trying to get STDS and die and he was throwing his life away and yet people like you who seems to actually be a nice guy got it even though you were trying to do the right thing and have all of these health problems. It just bugs me so much how innocent people like you are put through these health problems and yet on another note you have people who are healthy but deliberately hurting themselves making a mockery of what people like you go through. You have my sympathies. I have people in my family who have gotten cancer and I wish you success in your treatments.

I use condoms properly, but have had them break during both anal and vaginal sex. They aren't 100%. If everyone used them conscientiously, there would be less risk of infections those rare times when condoms break. Think of it in terms of "herd immunity" for vaccinations. For a small percentage of people, vaccinations don't work. If everyone gets vaccinated, however, herd immunity protects those for whom the vaccinations did not work because many fewer people become infected with a disease.

As for HPV, one can get it through oral sex. I have a friend who ended up with an oral cancer. He was tested for HPV and was positive. He was straight and likely got it from performing cunnilingus, which makes me wonder why only girls get vaccinated for HPV.

 

[scooter63]

Happy New Year to everyone and I hope 2017 will be better for us all.

I wanted to give a little update on how things are going for me. In just 2 months, it will be one year since my diagnosis and as far as my health goes, things are going good. Ok, they are going great. I am my medication and as I stated in my post went to undectectable status quickly and have remained there with good results. My CD4 count has increased each testing cycle and my doctor is very pleased with how things are going. I was just down to Rochester for my second follow up exam since surgery to remove the condyloma and while the pap smear still remains low grade and the doctors are telling me that I will need no further surgery at this time they do notice some change to the tissue. My doctor has told me that I now can go to a yearly test and exam. I think I will do the 3 month pap test follow up until June to mark the one year mark from surgery and let my infectious disease doctor keep an eye on things. I try to keep to a good diet high in the fibers, soluable and insoluable, along with stool softeners trying to keep things easy trying to heal up. After surgery, there were a couple fissures that were a complication from surgery. By keeping things soft it helps keep things healed up. The only problem arises from the exams and that opens things up and then I have to start all over.

In regards to my other point(s) that I covered in my original post, I have not met anyone that wants to be a friend even. It is hard going through everything being alone, not having anyone to share with or to be that listening board. I have put some ads up on Craigslist (I know, it is Craigslist) looking for a friend and have gotten some responses back and then after I reply get nothing back. I some times wonder if they are just name shopping. In my community there is one gay bar and when I go there it is the same people sitting in the same seats in the same drunken condition. With the hours that I work, I have Saturday and Sunday to do things and it does feel good to just be able to sit down and relax. The bar does have bingo and other activities and they all start at 9 or 10 at night. I am in bed by then and not able to be a part of it.