My issue...

[confused]

Hi guys,

I don't know if any of you are in the same boat as me or have heard of someone in my situation, but I would really like some feedback. So please let me hear your opinion!

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So, let me tall you guys about myself. I am 18, slender, and considered to be fairly attractive. Once I was around 13/14 I developed an interest in guys. Until the age of 16 I considered myself to be bi-curious. But, once I hit that age I got a little more adventurous and courageous. So, I went onto the internet (legally) and ended up meeting a guy in my area (little did I know how dangerous this was at the time). I stayed home from school, I let a complete stranger into my house, and I was planning on having sex with him.
Well, this "hot young 20 year old" ended up being a pretty unattractive, middle-aged, married man (who smoked even though he said differently). I was horribly disappointed but didn't know what to do so I let him in my house. We ended up getting naked in my living room, kissing, and doing (albeit horribly) the dirty deed. He put me on my back and began to suck my dick. I came literally within seconds... It was so embarrassing. And then it was his turn. So, I started sucking him off and I soon realized that he wasn't going to cum anytime soon. Then he tried to bend me over and fuck me doggy style. Well, he didn't know what he was doing and it didn't fit. Once again I was horribly embarrassed... So, I blew him until he came. Then he left, and that was it.
My first sexual experience was... horrible, absolutely horrible. I was disgusted, and I vowed to never have sex with a man again.

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(over a year later)

I was now 17 and had been able to forget my past. I had gotten and lost my first girlfriend (we never had sex), I had matured a large amount, and I still couldn't hide the feeling of desire for men inside of me. I wasn't attracted to any of my friends, I was only attracted to guys I didn't know personally. And I was VERY attracted to them, but I never did anything sexual with anyone (guy or girl) until later on down the road.

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(Now, I got to be 18)

I had had even more girlfriends in the year past, but still I hadn't had sex with any of them. I would be in relationships, and all was well, but I moved very slowly. I had lost them all and I didn't know what to do. I was watching porn regularly and I found it harder and harder to stay away from gay porn. Men were so sexy to me, and the thought of a hot man and me having sex turned me on like nothing else. But I continuously tried to suppress these feelings until it became too much. So, I started watching more and more gay porn. I got right back into the "gay-side" of me that I had never desired to return to. I wanted to do the real thing...

So, I went onto craigslist and met guys in my area and let them fuck me to their hearts content. Now, here are my main issues:

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(The main issues)

- Whenever I am about to get with a guy, I get REALLY horny. I get so horny that my cock wants to explode... and it does very quickly. I still have the same problem I had when I was 16. I don't know why it happens.

- After I ejaculate I lose all attraction to the guy I'm with no matter how hot I thought he was before. I an disgusted with myself and the situation and I enter a "flight or fight" mode. But, I overcome the feeling and continue so not to completely disappoint the guy I'm with (I'm a bottom as well). And then I'll leave as quickly as I can and never see the man again.

- Whenever I masturbate to gay porn or men, I get the same disgusted (almost queasy) feeling, but to a much lesser extent. And I lose my attraction to men for some time.

- Yet, after awhile these feelings return and they're almost overbearing.

- Like I said earlier, I am not attracted to any of my male friends, just guys I don't know personally.

- I have no interest in having a relationship with a guy, I just want to screw once and leave.

- I have yet to have sex with a woman due to my desire to only be in a relationship with girls. I move too slowly, and I fear that I will perform poorly...

- Whenever I masturbate to straight porn or women, it takes me awhile to get erect, it takes me much longer to cum, and it is actually satisfactory when I do cum.

-Whenever I am with my friends or in public situations I am only attracted to women. Yet, once I am alone everything changes...

-(If this adds anything) My father left my mother and I when I was a few months old, my mother remarried when I was 5, and my stepfather mentally and physically abused me...

-If I think of more I'll let you guys know.
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I almost feel like having sex with men and masturbating to men/gay porn is a drug to me. I can't resist it, yet I hate it...

So please, let me know what you think. I want to know if there are more guys like me and what I should do.

Thank you.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

I'd love to give you advice, but really I don't know. You have some deep seated psychological issues at play.

I just hope you don't get trampled over by all the haters.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

From a person who can't really get on JUB right now:

Go tell that kid that until he accepts the fact that a large majority of his being is gay, and that it isn't a bad thing, then he will always distance himself away from sex...

the only thing he really needs concern him self with is being as happy as he can. It's normal to not be happy all the time. It's not normal to resign your self to not being happy ever. Sanity is the conscious effort to change the things we don't like about ourselves. The guilt and distance he's feeling is the closet he's having to distance himself from the act of it cause he's got it built up in his mind that being gay is bad.

Fetaby feels for you...

 

[star-warrior]

Moved the thread to the "Coming Out, Relationships and Bi-Sex Talk forum". Please note this is a no-flame zone.

 

[confused]

Thanks for your help, but I have to be honest with you guys. I truly feel that I am not gay, I don't even believe that I'm bi. I really dislike actually doing anything sexual with guys. I feel like I appreciate the beauty of a male, much more so than straight guys, and I somehow confuse this with what I want sexually.

The affection and attraction I feel towards women, and being with women, is much much stronger than it is when I am with a guy. I feel like "I only feel this way when I'm alone" has a lot to do with it. Also when I'm in a relationship with a girl, I don't have sexual feelings towards guys.

Hope that helps

 

[spencer]

What I hear is everything about guys sexually is bad and everything about girls sexually is good. And even when you're in a relationship with a girl it's even better.

So if you're able to get off with women and it feels normal and if when you're in an LTR with a woman you're not attracted to men. Then keep doing that. Because you only feel horrible when you're with men.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for your help, but I have to be honest with you guys. I truly feel that I am not gay, I don't even believe that I'm bi. I really dislike actually doing anything sexual with guys. I feel like I appreciate the beauty of a male, much more so than straight guys, and I somehow confuse this with what I want sexually.

The affection and attraction I feel towards women, and being with women, is much much stronger than it is when I am with a guy. I feel like "I only feel this way when I'm alone" has a lot to do with it. Also when I'm in a relationship with a girl, I don't have sexual feelings towards guys.

Hope that helps

OK, so if you're happy being straight, what's your issue? Don't sleep with men.

But I have to say, that straight men aren't attracted to men, or men in porn, even when they are alone.

 

[Sweetwater]

I'm 22 and can identify with a lot of the things you are saying. Me becoming comortable with my sexuality took years and it's still a work in progress. I think a lot of it (at least for me) has to do with the fact that I have an internal conflict between what society, religion, the way you are raised, etc says is good and bad/ right and wrong and what you ultimately feel at the end of the day when you're lying in bed at night alone. I wanted to be seen in public with women to look like I was straight, but when the door was closed in my room I wanted a guy in there with me.

So I could be totally off base, but I would just say to consider if you are conflicted between what you want yourself and what others want for you. That may be why you feel disgusted after being with men - because you were taught that it is disgusting. Hope that helps.

 

[rareboy]

OK, so if you're happy being straight, what's your issue? Don't sleep with men.

There. Problem solved.

My actual advice is that you need to sit down with someone and sort this shit out while you're young. You aren't going to solve it on this board.

I think there are some really deep conflicts that you are experiencing that originate in upbringing and self image.
Guilt? Self-loathing? I don't know. But I think you need to resolve this stuff early or it could be a miserable life ahead for you. And possibly for the people you establish relationships with.

 

[KaraBulut]

The bottom line here is that you want to have physical and sexual relationships with men but you don't want to have emotional relationships with men.

This isn't about your parents or your childhood or about anything or anyone other than you.

There's thousands and thousands of guys like you. Some of them work through their issues and settle in a bisexual or gay lifestyle and find a personal peace and happiness with that lifestyle.

The rest find a life of perpetual dishonesty- lying to their girlfriends, lying to their wives, lying to their friends/family and mostly importantly lying to themselves.

As rareboy indicated, this is something that you're going to have to work through and probably the best place to do that is in therapy.

Or you can continue in this direction and cause a lot of hurt in your future.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Thanks for your help, but I have to be honest with you guys. I truly feel that I am not gay, I don't even believe that I'm bi. I really dislike actually doing anything sexual with guys. I feel like I appreciate the beauty of a male, much more so than straight guys, and I somehow confuse this with what I want sexually.

There's a term for this, and that's "rationalization".

Straight guys don't find other guys attractive. Not even from afar. And even if they have some sort of "I appreciate the beauty of male" thing going on, they don't jack off to gay porn. And they don't hook up with other guys. And even if they do, they don't hit orgasm immediately.

The fact that you find men attractive, you jack off looking at men, and that you had successful (as in "completion to orgasm") sexual encounters with men suggests that you're gay (or possibly bi). Finding guys hot, and thinking about them while jerking off, and having sex with guys isn't just some sort of possible hint at your sexual orientation - it's the dictionary definition. It's the one and only thing that every male on this board has in common. On JUB, we've got big guys and little guys, artistic types and businessmen, manly men and girly guys, loud guys and quiet guys, loners and social butterflies. But we all like guys. We think about guys when we jerk off. And we (normally) have sex with guys. It's why we're gay.

I'm going to second (or third, or fourth) all the people here who suggest counseling. Or if you're unwilling to go that route, I'd like to suggest something to you.

Try it out. For the next week or two, be gay.

I don't mean you have to tell your friends or family that you're gay, or that you have to go out and buy a rainbow sticker for your car, or trade in your Metallica CDs for Abba. Just be gay. Mentally. When you look in the mirror each morning, say "I'm gay". Go through your day as if you're gay. Feel free to look at guys if you feel like it. Jerk off to gay porn or magazines or a gay fantasy, and don't hold back. Don't justify your behavior with "I find the male form attractive". Think "I think that guy looks really hot, and I'd love to suck/be sucked/fuck/be fucked by him." And when you're done, don't retreat into a "how embarrassing" or a "what does it mean?" sort of thing. Stick with it. Sit there with come all over your hand and cock (and stomach and chest), smile, and think how fucking awesome that was. Then take a shower, get dressed, and get back to being yourself. As gay.

Being gay doesn't mean you hate women. I have some great female friends, and we're really close. I just don't have any interest in getting in their pants.

Being gay doesn't mean you have to want to fuck your friends. I have plenty of straight friends - some attractive, some not so. And I just think they're great friends. I have no interest in getting in their pants, either.

Being gay means one thing only. It's guys you want to have sex with. That's it. And being gay doesn't preclude you from anything else. Lots of us still do "straight things". We go to football games, and hang out with straight friends, and have good jobs, and have great lives. We just like to fuck guys, too.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Can't such much more than what's already been so eloquently said, except to add that "I feel disgusted with men after I orgasm" is very very common among gay guys who haven't accepted themselves yet.

 

[ericwhitney]

This thread reminds me of a client i had years ago. 30ish, divorced, attracted to men, overwhelming post-O flight syndrome. His therapist suggested he do sexy and sexual things with his lover, without actually having sex to orgasm. Unfortunately, he couldn't bring himself to spell out his problem to the guys he met online. Nor could he figure out how to put the brakes on when things heated up. Both things he felt he could do with me because I was just a prostitute.

We saw each other several times over a few months without sex - making dinner shirtless, touching and making out; working out and showering together; making out fully clothed on the couch like teenagers. Honestly, it wasn't easy - we could get really worked up.

When he decided to take the next step, we just followed through one of our dates to orgasm, and I'll never forget it. After he came, his heart started racing and it's as if his mind left the room. He literally was not there, even though he was lying on top of me. His therapist had suggested that after orgasm he look his lover in the eye and synchronize our breathing, which I was able to get him to do after some brief resistance. We had also decided to continue fooling around for another round, to put the first orgasm into a broader lovemaking context. It took a little more doing, but he managed that too.

We saw each other several more times, alternating sex and chaste dates. No question he got a lot more comfortable, but I noticed that he always got up soon after he came - for a glass of water or a kleenex or to pick up his clothes - before coming back for round two or for a cuddle.