My long story. A divorced guy coming out at midlife

[NCDogGuy]

This is a continuation of my story that started in this thread: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=350828

That thread chronicles what happened from the time I admitted to myself, "Um, hello. You're gay." until now, when I am starting the coming out process.

"Short" version of what's in the other thread:

I'm 44, divorced, have joint custody of a 13yo son, and was in deep denial for decades. We divorced because my ex wanted it, and she was involved emotionally with someone else. They are now married. During the period after the divorce, I tried dating women, since that is what I was supposed to do, but wasn't attracted to any. I finally decided to be a happy single guy.

As the marriage crumbled, I had begun watching porn. Over time, I gravitated to only watching gay porn. I rationalized it as "I'm just curious" and "It doesn't make me gay." Then this past summer I was at a water park and realized I was checking out the guys, and ignoring the women. Reality crashed into my mind. I couldn't ignore the truth. I'm gay. That is when I joined JUB and posted my series of (rather panicky, and sometimes alarming) posts. I entered counseling and started meeting gay guys in low-pressure social settings. (In the U.S., meetup.com is the gay guy's friend in many metro areas.)

I have made several gay aquaintences and a couple of friends. I eventually fell for one guy. I told him how I felt, but it is clear that he is only interested in friendship. As he seems to be a good friend, I can accept that, and we are still friends. It reinforced to me that I want a partner, and I want that partner to be a man.

During all this, I have become increasingly aware of two things:

• Living a double life is stressful. I'm constantly on alert when doing things with gay groups, looking for people I know, worried that I will be caught.
• I am constantly risking that my son will find out I'm gay accidently, or by someone saying something to his mom or step dad. Or he may snoop and find a gay relationship book I'm reading.

The stress and risks of living closeted are horrible. So I am starting the coming out process.

I am following the plan I layed out in the other thread. Keep in mind that my ex and I are in regular contact and jointly parent my son. He spends half time at each home. So it is very important to me that his mother be able to accept the situation and support his acceptance of me. I can't control or guarantee that result. But I can make choices that increase the probability of it occurring.

The process I've decided to follow is:

1. Talk to my son's psychologist to get advice on telling him.
2. Talk to my son's mom so she is prepared for any questions or comments from my son. That way if she has a bad reaction, I get that reaction, not him.
3. Talk to my son
4. Talk to my mom

After those people, I expect to basically be in a need-to-know and whoever-finds-out-can-find-out phase.

I made the appointment for step 1 a week ago. The appointment was today. I have been calm, not worrying, and feeling almost excited about it the past week. Until today. This morning before the appointment, I felt I could not go through with it. This is the first step in truly coming out and I was quite scared. The psychologist was the first person from my old straight life that I told.

As I discussed with my counselor, I know coming out can complicate my life. But I don't think it will with the people who count. And I do know that if I re-supress everything and stop doing gay meetups and such, I will just get depressed and that will be bad for my son because he doesn't need a depressed dad. He needs a dad who is honest about himself and is happy.

Therefore, coming out is the path that is most likely to lead to a good outcome.

So I did it! We met, and it went ok. I explained that I have realized I am gay, and he expressed surprise. So I explained a little more of the history and he understood and could tell I was sincere. He made some suggestions on telling my son that I will think about. He agrees with the plan, agrees my son must hear this from me, and agrees that doing so is in my best interest. He did strongly suggest that I express to my son that this has been a process of discovery for me.

The next step will be telling my son's mother, shortly followed by telling him. That will not happen for a few weeks because of personal issues going on in his mother's life.

That's all for now. I'm feeling good about what I did, but feel nervous about the steps to come.

As I always say, I'm posting these personal thoughts and experiences in the hopes that reading this makes some guy going through a similar situation feel a little less alone, and a lot less crazy.

 

[Seasoned]

You are a good guy on a great journey. The idea that you are in the middle of what you are writing is an act of great bravery. Some people journal and others, like me, write about what occurred in the past. I think it's wonderful that you can do it in real time.

I can't imagine anyone here not wanting the best for you and not staying tuned in for more on your journey.

I have one question. Are you able to trust your ex-wife not to spill her guts to everyone, including your son, before you can? I'm hoping you can trust her that much because he needs to hear it from you. By the way, if he is anything like his father he will handle it fine with continuing communication with you.

Consider me, someone who is a loving father with an ex-wife, a cheerleader wishing you the very best.

 

[asu1117]

Good for you! Coming out is always difficult, regardless of the circumstances. But it's something that needs to happen for a person to start to feel complete. It's terrifying to go through with, but ultimately you will feel relief afterwards. It's amazing what a weight is lifted once you are completely open about who you are. Best of luck.

 

[Lostlover]

There's nothing more admirable, NCDogGuy, than a guy coming clean and living the truth.

Your son will find out eventually, right? You can't keep this from him forever.

Person, I'd rather my son hear about it from me, than from some stranger. It is your choice and good luck.

This isn't easy, but you seem well on your way to living an open, honest life.

All the best and please keep up posted.

 

[ignite32]

As a closeted guy I admire how you are doing this. There is a lot of courage ,which a lot of guys dont have
I hope all goes well for you and am pretty sure that the ones who care about you, still will after finding out your gay.
Read your last thread and seems like you are a great guy and father which your son definately won't forget after the big news.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I'm reconsidering the order of telling my son and telling his mother.

I'm feeling anxious, but also eager to get this done. I'm planning on doing it on the 11th or 12th. That works with the custody schedule.

This weekend I saw several people from my married life that I've known for nearly 20 years. That lead to a lot of time wasted worrying about what they will think if or when they hear. With the help of my counselor, I realized something. Do I really feel that I met a lot of bigoted people over the years, or do I think I spent time with basically good people. If the latter, it is kind of insulting of me to think my orientation will make a speck of difference to them.

I am nervous about the challenging times that may occur. But I really look forward to the freedom to be myself and not be on alert all the time. To be able to date openly and honestly.

Ups and downs as is typical for me. But I think I'm ready for this.

... And thanks ignite...

 

[Seasoned]

You are so clear headed and so into being healthy and methodical that I have to believe that any bumps will be minor and shortly thereafter insignificant. There is so much positive energy headed your way and I hope it is helping you. I'm sure that I'm not the only person that you have impressed with your ability to move forward on multiple fronts. Best wishes always.

 

[lampieg]

I am interested in reading more of your coming out story when you can update this, atm I am considering lots in my life and reading what others are experiencing is good..

 

[NCDogGuy]

I've gotten some requests for an update.

A couple of weeks ago, shortly after my last part, the counselor convinced me that I should wait a little longer before telling my son. We also concluded that I should tell my ex right before I tell my son, in case he wants to call her.

I do not make a big deal of the thanksgiving holiday, and I will have him then. So the tentative plan is for me to meet his mom early in the morning while he is sleeping late, then tell him early in the day. probably on the day after the holiday. Then, if he wants, we can do some of our normal fun things we do. Movie, arcade, etc.

My feelings are far ranging. Excited, anxious, scared, impatient, angry, sad, happy, relieved, etc. But I also still feel coming out to them is the right thing to do and this is the right time to do it.

I have talked with the counselor a lot, with an e-penpal, and with some gay friends in person. A few have given me their numbers so I can call for support if I feel things do not go well. So I don't feel like I'm facing this totally alone.

I've also been reading the Outing Yourself book by Signoreli. It is very good. I'm spending more time thinking about good outcomes, instead of worrying about possible, but unlikely, bad outcomes.


So that is where I'm at.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Today is the day.

My emotions have been all over the past few days. There are times I do not think I can do it. But most of the time I feel excited and impatient to get it over with.

Tonight I will tell my son's mother (my ex). Tomorrow morning I will tell my son.

I think I'm ready.

I've rehearsed with my psychologist. We've talked about different outcomes and how I will handle them. We've talked about different questions my son may ask over the coming days and now I will answer. I've been reading a good coming out book, Outing Yourself.

I have a support network in place. Two real life gay buddies here, two jub guys I correspond with, one daily. Acquaintances from the lgbt center groups that would listen in a pinch.

I just have to take the plunge. Jump. Whatever you call it, I just have to do it.

It feels right at a basic level. The potential bad outcomes scare me. But I need to do this so my son doesn't find out in some other way. I need to do this to be able to date; to have any chance of finding my Mr. Right. I know I'm gay. It is so obvious to me now. Except for the coming out fears, I am so happy. I like myself. I can tell I never really did when I was in deep denial. I did the best I could, but now, now I'm happy.

I just have to trust and do it.

I am so scared but yet so determined.

I will post an update later.

 

[Seasoned]

You have a collective aura of support around you as you do this. Best wishes.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Thanks seasoned. I feel like I would before a major surgery. "this will likely end your pain and save your life, and you should feel much better when it is done. Oh, there is a slight chance of being paralyzed for life. Just ignore that and think positive."

Thats how I feel. I believe coming out and living my life without fear will save my life psychologically. But the step is not without some real but improbable risks.

I can do it.....

 

[Seasoned]

Do what you usually do to calm yourself, a walk in nature, meditate, exercise, or prayer. Keep breathing. You need to be genuine in order to be fully alive and present. Whatever the outcome you have all the tools to cope. For all my experience speaking with gay fathers it is my conclusion that the sooner the kids know the better.

You have all the tools you need and a terrific demeanor to boot. Best wishes, always.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Thanks again. I've mainly exercised today. I took the day off work. I walked 4 miles on the treadmill at a steep incline. Then I did somr shopping and got my son most of his Christmas presents. Then late lunch at a favorite restaurant. I then went bac to the gym and did todays strength routine (tues is back exercises). The last batch of exercise has left me feeling calmer. It has definitely helped with the nervous energy.

I'm going now to get my son. Then I will call his mom and arrange to talk to her in about 2 hours.

I spent a lot of the time at the gym imagining the life I want to create. And reminding myself that coming out is a critical step in making that life happen. And I deserve to be happy. So I'm feeling pretty good. Nervous, yes. But not panicky.

I wish I could control.my emotions better. But I think this is just how it works for me.

 

[mav96213]

"And I deserve to be happy"

Yes, you sure do! I truly hope it all falls into place, and without incident. Thanks for keeping us up to date on how it's been going, and let us know how it turns out today.

Best wishes....

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Wishing you the best NCDogGuy! Stay strong!

 

[Lube]

Good luck, Dog Guy, it will probably go very well. You sound very intelligent and together, so your son is probably similar.

My partner and I both went through the same thing a few years ago. We're both very happy now.

*hugs*!

 

[mpdan]

Love conquers all. You are the only dad your son has. All the best.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I did the first part. I told me ex wife and her husband.

But first, thanks for the good wishes.

So. Predicting how these things will go is crazy. In the end it went ok. I was totally calm and did not get emotional.

She is unsure my son will take it well. I think she is projecting her shock onto him. And she was shocked. She thinks there may be an issue with the church they go to. I thought it was accepting. The congregation is accepting, but the denomination is not, and there a re discussions about how to handle that. She wants me to wait to tell my son until the discussions finish in a month or so. I said no. I am telling him soon. (as in, tomorrow.)

So she got her husband. She was trying really hard to contain her emotions. She mentioned things from or marriage. I only said that I honestly did not know I was gay when we were married, and this has been a process for me the past several years. But as I have figured it out, I have become very happy.

Anyway, he joined us shook my hand and patted it and said, "this is a non issue for me. I have had friends who are gay, and it just doesn't matter." Then he helped make my points to her and helped keep it focused on my son. Wow.

I said I could tell she was surprised, and that I would suggest she sleep on it and I would tell them before I tell my son, but that will happen soon.

I plan to say I decided to tell him tomorrow. I think he will be ok.

At the end, her husband said that what I am doing is very courageous and he admires me for doing it. Then she asked if she could hug me and said i'm his father a and i'm a good father and of course she will support me e even though she has very confused feelings.

There is more but those are the main ideas. I stayed completely calm and kept things focused on my son. Overall I think that was pretty good. I'm ok. I am proud of myself.

 

[Lube]

Pretty good? OK? Proud?

You better believe it! Congrats! That went really, really, really well!

You are courageous, your ex-wife is impressive (it is, after all, a big shock to her to hear you say that), and her husband is a dream man.

I'm sure your son will be fine. Especially if he takes after you.