my mom kicked me out for being gay

[adamwaugh]

i was told by a friend that this would be a good place where i could talk about stuff so now im taking his advice. by now you probably know i got kicked out of the house but just so u dont get confused im gonna give u a bit of a back story so u dont get lost. i dont mean to unwind on you guys or anything but i was told it might help so here goes

Found out i was really gay at 11
Im friends with a 43 year old woman, her name is Violet, whos married but doesnt work because her husband doesnt want her to work unless she wants to. I started to talk to her because her daughter left home to go meet her boyfriend off the internet down in hamilton, great move, and now shes pregnant,17, so i told her i would help her out if ever she needed anything


My mom is an alcoholic for maybe about 2 years and she smokes weed and has a bad temper and basically fucks every guy possible to feel loved or something but who gives a fuck and she doesnt like my neighbour because she thinks she better then her because she works and not violet
im not working at the moment because my school scheduel clashed with my work
Ive been working for the past 2 years to support my mom with the bills because she went into depression or something, bullshit she was going out most nights anyways with at least 80% of my paychecks, bitch
My uncle is Italien, has a short temper and i think hes homophobic(hes always making fun of gays)

anyways what happened is i just finished working at a friends house around 10 when violet called me to see if i could help her do a cake for her mom since her oven didnt work, it broke or something dont really know, so i said yes. she gave me the money, i went to the store bought the stuff and took the stuff she already had and went back home. i get home put the stuff in my room for a sec so i can check my emails, while thats hapening, my mom comes in the room, sees the bags and starts screaming at me that i lied to her when i said i didnt have any money on me. told her that it was violet who gave me the money so i could do one for her and of course my mom flipped out and trew a fit, starts swearing and slams the door. i yell at her 'whats your problem?' and she yells at me 'you are!'


anyways i let 10-15 minutes go by, took the cake stuff and bring it in the kitchen where she was in pouring herself another glass of pure alcohol so she asks me what im doing and i say the cake and she just goes back in the living room after giving me this nasty groan of some sort. i start to make the cake, mixing butter and sugar or something dont really remember that part, she comes back in and starts being bitchy about why im always helping violet and why cant she do the cake and why does she even bother because her and her mom dont always get along. i tell her wats happening with them, alls good, when she starts to snap and bitch about her that her husband is never home, because he works, thats she doesnt do shit,because her husband told her not to unless she wanted to, and so on and so forth. BTW she thinks i was having an affair with her because i go to her house a lot and the fact that im 19 and shes 43, who cares shes fun to be with and funny as hell.

anyways we keep on yelling for about maybe 5-10 mins or something and out of nowhere she gets 2" away from my face and screams at me that and i quote 'U have no FUCKING balls to tell me your fucking gay' so i screamed it in her face also that i was fucking gay. i guess she didnt like the answer so she hit me in the face and out of reflex i hit her back in the face also,first time i hit anyone btw but damn did it feel good. and thats when she told me to get teh fuck out that she wanted me out by december so i said fine.

i go to my room she follows me so i slamed the door in front of her. she starts poking me and screaming at me about something and it ended up with me telling her that she had no clue what the hell ive been through, i was beatin up for being gay 2 years ago when my mom went away to live with her fuck friend for three months, i told her i was gay at 14 when she found pornos in my room and she told me it was just a phase i was going tru and that i didnt know what i was saying, and she just flat out told me that she didnt care, or as she said it 'i dont give a fuck' she starts to poke me again saying u this and u that so i pushed her arm away told her not to fucking touch me. i try to get out of my room and she takes me by the collar, rips my shirt so i grab her arms like this she cant touch me or anything and she starts yelling in my face come on hit me hit me, i didnt cuz i know better if i did she could have pressed charges.

After that she yells at me am i your your mother or not huh? and i told her no because in my book a mother wouldnt react that way at all. so she lets me go and tells me to get the fuck out, get the fuck out now, i go back to my room to get a sweater since it was 3 degrees outside and almost midnight, she tried to smack me again, go down the stairs to put my boots on and she slams the door on me. i go down the stairs and she opens up the door to throw all the cake stuff down the stairs, butter, flour, eggs, metal pans, sugar.... u know the rest, at me.

so i go to violets house next door tell her all her stuff is down the stairs. she tells me to stay there while she goes to my house get her stuff. my mom tells her that its all her fault taht im behaving that way and tells her to 'get the fuck up here u fucking desease', she left and went back home, locked the doors and came back to talk to me, after i called up my gramma to see if i could come over but she said no cuz she was sick, when that bitch comes back to violets house in just a nightgown and starts screaming to open the fucking door or she would have called the cops. long story short, she went back home called the cops.

I ran away down to the gay village, stayed there for a couple days and ended up telling my friends i was gay cuz my mom picked up the phone when one of my friends called and told her i was gay so i guess now ill have to change my profile but ... whatever. anyways they r cool with it which im glad for that but when i came back to get my stuff on saturday she tells me i have only 3 hours to move and that my gramma is in the hospital because of me cuz i called her up that night.

anyways i moved out and my uncle told me to move in with him which im happy for but now im so fucking far from my friends, had to cancel my school year because i wasnt able to go since i loant my mom the rest of my school loan, i know bad move, and she never gave it back to me, i cant talk or chat anymore to guys i know and care about because they r so god damn nosey as hell and to ad to that i dont think my uncle likes gays so that doesnt help at all.

now my gramma died last tuesday in which my mother probably blames me for it and at teh funeral she acts like nothing happened, comes up to me and says i dont know what u said to ur aunt and uncle but they have a problem with me now(i told them wat happened except the gay thing because i wasnt to sure how they would react to it) so now im living with my aunt and uncle and my two little cousins(which is also a reason why i dont want to say anything to them because i dont want to take the chance to lose them to because they r like brothers to me, anoying but i love em) im under constant supervision about where i go, who i see, when ill be back plus check ups on me throughout the day. i know they care but i just want to be left alone u know what i mean. i cant even go out on my own anymore because i dont have a fucking clue where the hell i am plus i dont have a key. GREAT.now im kinda lost on what to do now because im pretty cut off from everyone i know. o and i have a curfew i got to be in bed by 11:30pm, WAT THE FUCK

anyways thats me, a fucking mess, if you read the whole thing thanks for the patience and i dont mean to be a downer or whinny but i was told that i would help to write this stuff down and that maybe someone here might have a solution for the mess im in because honestly i just want to move back to montreal and be able to work downtown in the gay village, so i can experience life outside the heterosexuel world because im completly clueless about everything. anyways i aint gonna drag this any further because im sure ur getting bored with the novel i wrote but if anyone has any advise on anything id be more then open to anything at the moment

thanks again

 

[RicanDAB]

Hey Adamwaugh,

Let me just say that your friend was very wise to refer you here ... welcome!

Your story was a mouthful, and I am so sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. The only advice I can offer off the top of my head is to stay away from your mother (at least for now). I know that sounds cruel but in light of the relationship you have with her and the ugly way in which you came out to her - you two need to be kept at a distance for I don't know how long. You need time to figure things out and see where to go from here.

There are thousands of guys here on JUB and there is bound to be at least one that will post who will identify with your situation and give you much better and more comprehensive advice that I can. Keep checking back!! And if something pops in my head later .. I will post again.

In the meantime - stay strong buddy! I will be praying for you.

 

[jasboi2004]

You're right it is a bit of a mess that you find yourself in....ummm... I don't have any great pearls of wisdom either at the moment. But I agree with Rican, best to keep away from your mother for a little while. It appears that she has a lot of stuff that she needs to deal with. She should seek professional help.

You say that you can't talk to any of the guys you know and care about because they're nosy, but perhaps they are trying to know you better and can help. Maybe one of them can help?

It sounds like you have done it tough but what comes with that is inner strength. You'll get there...keep us posted.

By the way I am really sorry to hear that your grandma died.

 

[looseliam]

My heart aches for you; it really does.

What an awful thing you've gone through. Take this time at your Uncle's house to kind of center yourself. Yes you have a curfew, but his house his rules. (Well, that's what my ol' man always used to say.)

I know it must suck not going to school and not seeing your friends. However, there's nothing I can see, right now, you can to to change that. So worry about taking care of you!

I'd suggest to find a local job doing whatever. Set some money aside. Once you have enough for, oh say, two months rent, start looking for that little apartment in Montreal, along with a job you'd like.

Situations like this I remember the story of King Solomon and his ring. I'll spare the story and get to the punch line:

Gam Zeh Ya'avor - This, too, shall pass.

An another note, Welcome to JUB! I hope you stay a while.
And don't feel bad about unwinding on us; that's what we're here for!

 

[Riverrick]

What a horrible tale Adamwaugh. You must feel so mixed up and hurt by it all.

I think that your Uncle's house sounds like a good place to get your feet back on the ground. Work on saving up some money for a place of your own. Set a goal for yourself to work towards. It will make the your currently situation easier to take.

Be very careful to be respectful of your Uncle's rules and of his family. They are giving you a great opportunity and I imagine all they want back is to not have their lives terribly disrupted, which is understandable. Its hard to have someone move in with you. Be patient. This too shall pass.

Good luck! Thanks for posting.

 

[luminum]

Your situation sucks, I'm so sorry. But at least you have the courage to get through it, since you've been doing so for years.

Right now, let things cool down. Just be respectful of your aunt and uncle and take a deep breath and get focused. You need to take care of the business with the school loan. Your mom doesn't deserve the money you've loaned her.

Once you have that settled and you have all your possessions in order, cut ties with her.

Work up some money and get yourself situated. Possibly see if you can enroll in a school nearby. If you can't, think about commuting if there's a public transportation system.

But if you really can't, there's no shame in working up some cash in the mean time and enrolling again later. Just make sure that your school records are secure. Also, do some research in the gay village and see if there are any outreach programs for LGBT teens like yourself and talk to someone if there's an LGBT youth service anywhere. They're probably used to or prepared for teens in your situation and will have some ideas and possibly services that you can contact right away.

Keep posting to keep us updated, man. My heart goes out to you. But you can do it!

 

[KennyD]

I read your entire story and sat here crying .. had to compose myself to post this .
I feel your pain and your sorrow ... I am so very sorry that your mother reacted the way that she did. She may be your mother ;but she wasn't a "MOM" .. Like was said before .. keep your distance from her and do your best to follow your uncle's rules. You might not like them; BUT until you can get a place with a roomate or on your own ..it IS his home and you MUST respect his rules ..

I am so sorry also to hear about the loss of your grandmother . I remember the passing of both of mine and I was distraught for a couple of weeks when each passed ....

I used to do counseling for Gay teens and young adults and your story is like so many ... that I have heard over the years . Funny, no one realizes the number of Gay teen suicides each year due to rejections from family, friends, and /or church ..
God bless you son , my prayes are with you ... Good Luck .

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Adam,

Your friend was right. This is a good place to talk about stuff. You are never alone. You dont have to do this by yourself....and while none of us here have a magic wand to solve the problems we are always here to support you, comfort you and guide you. And we want to help.

Adam...none of this is your fault. And theres no way you're a "fucking mess" ...just the opposite I'd say. You've stood tall here amongst your world going to hell and had the strength to ask for help. Mate your not even close to a mess...not by a long shot. Your a guy thats been dealt a hand thats taken some guts to face and get through... and you will Adam...you will.

You are not responsible for your mothers actions in anyway. You are not responsible for her drinking, her violence or her lack of understanding. She obviously has her own issues and problems which is sad, but she chose her method to deal with them. Not you. You're an innocent bystander in her world Adam and unfortunately the people we love and who are meant to love us hurt us because we are the easiest to hurt. But thats a weakness on their part...not yours. You were simply the easiest target for her to blame for whatever her own problems have caused her. You were the closest and the one who would take more than others would because you were her son.

But she was wrong Adam. Her actions are of someone who isnt capable of being logical or loving. Take heart mate in knowing that she would have acted the same way if you were str8 or even her daughter. You are not responsible for other peoples actions. We all have a choice in the way we treat others...and you are a perfect example.

You should be proud of yourself mate. You're a compassionate, mature and understanding guy Adam. Your actions in helping others, especially your friend Violet and your offer of help for her daughter, shows that you have amazing morals and values. To put her needs above your own shows a true and loving friend. No matter what others say, thats something to be proud of, its says a lot about who you are and what people mean to you. You work, supported your mother, attended school, offered support and friendship to those around you... all at the expense of your own needs. Theres not a lot of people around who can say that they are capable of all of those things. Thats a pretty huge accomplishment.

You have learnt whats right from wrong. You have learnt the value of love and respect. And your actions show that you know how to care, be true and honest. You had a choice in how to react to whats happened to you in your life mate, and you've risen above it.

Take this chance with your uncle to start again. I know that it will be hard - you've gone from zero care, where no one looked out for you or wondered where you were or what you were doing, to a home that almost feels suffocating. You've gone from looking out for yourself and making sure you got by to having someone trying to protect you from the evils in the world. I can understand why that feels like a new burden or weight. It feels like your freedom is gone right?

Adam, thats what family is all about. Protection. To the point of suffocation sometimes. But its about caring and looking out for you. It will be hard to see it that way because you've had to grow up way too fast but thats what it is.

Abide by their rules for the time being mate. Build a trust and honesty with your new family. They really dont know you that well and know that you are an honest open guy. Gain their respect and trust and they will loosen the reigns a little. Its about building a relationship where you are all treated like adults - it sounds like their own children are younger so this is new for them too mate. But they will soon see that you can be trusted and are capable of looking after yourself and treating others with respect..it will just take a little time.

You can be anything you want Adam. Your post shows the real you..and the attributes that make up the real you. You have the all the right tools to get on with your life, to get ahead and to prove something to yourself and those around you. Dont be held back by your past and the actions of others. Take control of your life and prove them wrong.

Hang in there mate...and take each day one at a time. They are new opportunities to show the world who you are and that you wont be kept down. Finish your school, work if you want, make new friends, make a new life. But do it all for yourself. You deserve happiness mate. Its time to look out for you for a change. You are worth it.

And we're always here.

 

[backpacker]

First let me say how sorry I feel for you. I'm also sorry for your loss of your grandmother. Sounds like you have had to deal with an awful lot in your short life.

Since you can't afford school right now, I would suggest that you find a couple of jobs and work 60 hours a week. First it will limit your time at home and second it is only a matter of time before your uncle finds out you are gay. If you are correct, when that happens you will need a new place to live. You better save some money now. Even if he doesn't find out, it doesn't sound like an environment you will want to live in for long. Supporting yourself at 19 is tough, but many people do it. I would suggest that once you start looking for a roommate. Often the person seeking a roommate already has an apartment and has it furnished. That can make it relatively inexpensive to get started. Don't forget that school should still be a priority. Getting yourself in a healthy home environment will make school much easier.

Good luck!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi adam and welcome. Like the others, I'm really sorry to read about all the shit in your life. I'm glad your friend sent you here; you're among friends.

You know, sometimes life just sucks and there's no sugar-coating it. You're going through a very difficult patch, but I think all of us can tell by your post that you're a bright guy who, despite his family, has his head screwed on straight. That will serve you well in the months ahead.

When life comes at you fast, it's easy to get overwhelmed by all the changes, choices, and decisions. If you can, step back--take an afternoon off, get away from the crowd (something as simple as going to a bookstore and just be alone) and think. Put your priorities in order. First, you need shelter and food. Second, you need money. Third, you need to figure out how to get back into school and be near your friends. Those things can happen, but you need to think through, carefully, how to make them happen logically. It might be rough, and you might need to sacrifice, but you need to keep it a priority to be in school. For one thing, most schools offer medical insurance to students, and they have counseling departments--of which you should take advantage of because I think it would help to do some heavy-duty unloading on a therapist.

Finally, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest you think about avoiding your mother completely. Only you know the in's and out's of that relationship, and whether that's possible or practical. But, you know she has major issues herself and she is poison to you on so many levels. As long as you have a relationship with her, your self-esteem will suffer.

Good luck to you. I hope that you get help on many levels quickly. Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing. You're among friends here.

 

[Roland00]

Sorry Adam. I know how much it sucks, I been there too with my mom kicking me out of the house and all that. It just plain old sucks, not because the actual action (though yours sound so much worse than mine with the fight and all) but the actual emotional wound it leaves.

Okay couple things, cling to friends right now. It is alot easier and healthier for you to be reminding of how great you are instead of closing down emotionally and becoming numb. After such an experience that is what most people did, that is what I did. If you just close down emotionally you are just prolonging the hurt.

Get away from the situation helps but you are already doing that. Establish some boundaries with your mother, it is obvious that your mother is lacking that with you similar to how my mother was with me. (How she emotionally steps on you is completely different than my mom though.) Stay away from her, and when you are near her being in control of the situation. Establish your own life. Note though there is a difference between establishing your own life and "running away." Running away, physically or emotionally, is just another way of becoming numb to some pain. It isn't proactive, and right now you need to be proactive, you need to set up your life physically and emotionally and take care of number one.

One thing I noticed through this thread is that you are very much a caretaker, you take care of both your mom and Violet. This is honorable, but remember the number one person you should be taking care of is you. In your want to help others in the past you have allowed emotional predators such as your mom to use you and your emotions similar to an emotional vampire. It has left you with nothing and thus you feel like shit.

Sigh, my advice right now is not the best, sorry I been stressed lately due to the time of year and certain events thus I aint at my best. You are always welcomed to talk here and just let it all out, JUB is also a good resource for advice. If I get any more good advice or insight I will post another response in this thread.

Welcome to JUB Adam

 

[Riverrick]

I read your post again and I am sooo impressed with how mature you are. That had to be horrible to have your mother talk to you that way and then kick you out of the house. You've had a very difficult life it seems.

Are you working right now? You mentioned being trapped in your new living arrangement. So you don't have a car, right? Is there other transportation around?

I'm sorry that your mother doesn't see the incredible person that you are. Hang in there. You're going to feel very rootless and insecure for a while. Keep writing to us.

 

[screwnutty]

Hi Adam!

Hello from another Canadian. Okay first off, forget about your mother. For just right now. Were going to deal with you. You've come to the right place! These guys will help you out with any questions or concerns that you have.

Now, you say your living with your Aunt and Uncle. You also say that they have no idea that your gay. Okay. Adam, Do you like James Bond movies? The reason I'm asking is your going to have to view your life....at least for alittle bit like a james bond movie.

1. It sucks...but your going to have to hide the fact that your gay. It not something I recommend to everybody but in your current "assignment" (you like that... assignment.....laugh Adam! Humour is good for the soul!) you don't want anybody to find out.

2. Respect. It's going to be hard. It's going to suck, cause you seem like the type who is use to having to take care of himself. Add to the fact that your 19 and not 12 anymore....it's almost like a slap in the face, I know. But you have to show your aunt and uncle that your responsible enough to deserve a house key and a change on the curfew thing. It's going to take time....and alot of saving face! But you can do it. You've shown us that you've put up with worse.

3. Second part, Learn your environment. You said you have no idea where you are going or where you are sometimes. So I'm going to tell you what I did when I went to college. A backpack with a map of the area and maps of the local bus routes. I spent my first weekends learning my way around my area.

4. School. Loan. Finding a new school to go to and getting back into college so that your loan doesn't shift to where you have to start paying it back. This year may be a wash so you might have to look at finding some work to save up for next year.

5. Work. Yeah I know you want to get back to the gay village and work there...but a job is a job and money regardless of what ppl say...makes the world go round. Without money...your stuck relying on others and you seem like the type of guy who doesn't like to be waited on! So finding a job seems like the next step. Plus it will show your aunt and uncle that you got responsibilty....plus you have a whole paycheck to yourself instead of having to give it to your mother!

6. Rent. If your making money...expect to have to pay rent to your aunt and uncle. But this might be a chance to see if you can loosen the ropes they have around you. BUT be calm and respectful. Remember you have to make some sacrifices if you want them to.....course it's there house and there rules so don't get mad if they don't give. Just keep trucking.

It's not going to happen over night and I am sorry that your basically at the stage of starting over again....but with a little hard work and friends.....both in real life and on here at JUB. you'll be on your feet in no time!

Hey remember if your lonely you can always chat to the guys on here.


Hey buy your friend a beer or whatever he drinks because he sent you to the right place my friend!

Good luck to you and hope to hear updates!!

 

[jockboy01]

wow, quite a post. Hope you don't mind that I went in an put in paragraphs to make it a bit easier to read. Otherwise my eyes lose track of where I am. I didn't change any words though.

So there are so many things going on here at once that it is hard to sort it all out.

First is the issue with your mother. She sounds like she has many more issues (drugs, alcohol) than just you're being gay. She said some really mean things. I used to think that all parents intend the best for their kids, but my naivety has worn off over the last couple of years. Only you know your relationship with your mother but it seems like some distance would be good. She should never be taking your loan money from you as that is meant for your education which is paramount to your future. I'd say to keep some distance at least for now.

With your uncle... as said, his house, his rules. Offer to help out with chores and such. I don't think he needs to know that you're gay right now. Of course, if your mom tells him, you'll have to deal with the fall out. But I think that right now, it is fine that he doesn't know.

As to your friends... they would be a great support system. How far away are they right now?

As to school/work/etc.... not sure what you're doing right now. But ultimately I find that when things really get torn apart and I don't have any idea where my life is going, I just kind of stay in a holding pattern until all of the dust settles. So I would say continue what you're doing right now for a few weeks. Then re-evaluate. It is hard to make logical decisions in the midst of such emotional turmoil so I find it better to just wait it out. It may seem like an eternity but it won't take too long in the whole scheme of things.

So hang in there, don't rock the boat with your uncle, just kind of let everything calm down before you make any decisions about school/career. It will be a lot easier to make decisions about your future when your present is a little more stablized.

Good luck, let us know how you're doing and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[backpacker]

One thought on your uncle, is he a military type guy? I'm sure he knows that you had an unstructured environment with your mother and he may feel that he needs to show you how to live a structured life. My sense is that you are a very mature 19 year old and probably don't need it. In any case, I just wanted to point out that your uncle may be placing all the rules out of love. Obviously he loves you or you wouldn't be living with him.

 

[Storybook_Man]

I am very sorry for your unfortunates.

Some parents will react differently to coming outs. I think that your mother was bothered by it when you were 14 and told her that you were gay, but she didn't let it out and kept it in as long as she could.

My mother sometimes drinks and gets drunk, I get really mad at her for doing that, but its all usually because of depression, holding feelings in could really mess with a persons head. I put my hands on my mother once and I will never do it again, thats because she was pushing me around, I just grabbed her arms and gave a slight push with her arms still in my hands, and she didn't talk to me for a week.

The best thing would be, is to stay away from your mother for a bit of time, then go back to her and tell her your feelings, if she blows up then just let it be and try and get her help with the drinking, smoking, and the guys. Any mother after a while will miss their child, if you were truly happy at some points in your life. If this started right around the time of your coming out, then it most likely has to do with that, obviously. But get yourself back into school, dont stop your life because of this, you have to move on but also try and deal with the past or it will eat you up. Get a loan out for school, get a job to get your own place, meet new people which will be hard but then shouldnt be due to you going back to school, stay around where your Aunt and Uncle live so you can be around your cousins if you are happy with them, if you are happy with your old life, then move back there, there is nothing stopping you from doing so except for cash which you will have to save up from working, and your mother if she saw you, which you should just ignore. It is mean but she has way worse problems than you, you have no problems you seem to be a sincere and mature person with limits, as we all have. Find the strength to do things as you used to. I wish you the best of luck and R.I.P. for your Grandmother.

About your uncle and his rules, it is his house and you are living in it, and I believe your cousins are younger so coming in late would disrupt them. Also don't lend your mother any money, let her see what it is like without her son who was taking care of her, and her putting you out because of how you are. But who knows where that could turn, could turn into a worse place than now. If you do give her any money, make sure you see what it is for, mostly a bill, and you pay it yourself and put it in the mail, don't give her the money or she will use it for other things.

 

[Roland00]

Adam I didn’t really say this in my previous post, so I figured I would add it.

It is obvious by your post that you were the emotional parent and caretaker of the house. Your mom is still emotionally a child who has problems with her self image, thus she feels she needs to find love with other people to re-verify her. It is also obvious that your mom is suffering due to her mental perspective. Her mental perspective is prone to suffering; this is nothing you have done.

Naturally because you are kind hearted person you wanted to help your mother. You wanted to alleviate her pain, and you wanted to add security financially to her situation. Thing is your mom is suffering not due to actual events but instead her mental perspective of the world, and her mental perspective of herself. You can not change her mental perspective, only she can do that.

It is like the old adage of the glass is half full; it is half empty, or it is both. Well as a person you have no control over how much water is in the glass, but you do have control over how you are going to view it. When your mom life gave her lots of water she suffered, and when it was shitty, she suffered not because of how much water was in the glass but because of her own perspective of the glass. Pain and Joy are temporary things in life; Happiness and Suffering are the permanent expressions of these two fleeing feelings. You do have control over if you are happy, and you do have control over if you are going to suffer.

You do not have control over whether your mom suffers or not! Only she does. You need to stop feeling emotionally responsible over your mom’s emotions, or anybodies emotions. You have no control over other peoples emotions, only your own. And you aren’t responsible for everybody else in this life, you are 19, at this age your primary responsibility is yourself. If you don’t establish your own self, if you don’t establish your own safety net, you are no use to anybody. Do not allow so more weight to attach to you that you will sink because of it. You need to be able to float your own turbulent times at sea, or you are useless to everybody.

Take care of yourself Adam. Love yourself. Respect yourself. You can never truly love someone until you respect yourself first. There is a quote I like “To love and to be loved is to feel the sun for the first time.” Adam love isn’t a one way street, it’s a two way one. If a person is using you and hurting you they aren’t loving you, you can’t help them till you respect yourself first, set up boundaries, and tell them to stop it. Tough love must occur before any real love. Love must be honest or it isn’t love, if it isn’t honest its just emotional vampirism/dependency.

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Adam I repeat what I said in my previous post about taking care of yourself first. Forget about your mom and such for a second and get yourself on your feat. My most recent advice is what to do in the future (and to some extent the present) so you don’t repeat the vicious cycle with your other relationships.

 

[icefan]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Reading your story, I wish I could say I would know what to do, but I wouldn't. Every situation is different, and no one really knows what the situation will lead to. That's a rough situation, I'm not an expert, but I would suggest maybe finding people in a good support group like PFLAG or 1N10. Perhaps there are others that have been through the same situation and could give you some guidance? God bless!

 

[adamwaugh]

just wanted to say thx for the advice and help you guys gave me. it helped a lot with what im dealing with at the moment. im trying to find time to write you guys personaly and say thx because i dont think you can trully say thx to people on a forum because all the advice ive gotten so far is all different from the other... and with the time restriction i have now at my uncle to go online ill do my best to get tru all you guys by the end of the weekend. if not im saying thank you again now and ill try to get back to you as soon as i can

 

[Roland00]

If you have limited internet time, you might want to save this webpage as a word or html document and put it on a disk. Then print it out at a library or something. That way you can read what we wrote at your own pace.