My, now ex, boyfriend dumped me. Feeling totally numb

[Gekishinken]

Hi all. I feel lost and confused and wanted to get some advice.

My ex and I had been together from January 18 until September 13. He is from China and was doing a grad program here. We had, for all in tents and purposes, been in a loving caring relationship. We had different hobbies, but made it work. He likes EDM, concerts, traveling, doing adventurous things. I like movies, reading, traveling and doing not so adventurous things. We went to Orlando together back in June and had a great time at Disney World and Universal Studios.

He went home to China from July - the end of August and came back the 1st of September. We met and things seemed to be going well. His second week back though, we went to see Madonna. He was acting a little different, but I figured it was just an off day or he was missing China. After the concert, we went home to my place and he stayed the night. The next day, we were talking and he asked me if I ever saw us getting married. I said maybe, since we had already been together 8 months. His response literally broke my heart. His exact words were: "Oh, because when I look into the future I see no future with you at all". Ouch. From that point on, I got really upset. I packed up everything he gave me and put it in a bag and handed it to him. This included pictures, gifts from China and stuffed animals. Was it a rational decision? No. At the time though, it's how I responded. He said he would keep them as memories of the time he had with me. He also said: "You know, I love you, I care about you, but I don't like having sex with you".

I asked him to stay and talk about the decision, he declined. I, therefore, let him go. This was about 10 days ago. Since then, he has not communicated with me. It had always been me communicating with him. He said to me "I'm sorry". When I asked "Why?" his response was: "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, I hope you can move on soon". I said: "If you're truly sorry, you would try to fix things between us." He said: "I'm sorry. I can't". My response: "You haven't tried, so you don't know if you can or can't. You simply don't want to." He also pulled the whole "Let's be friends" thing. No thanks.

I came out to my parents during this time. They were totally understanding and supportive, but it added an additional emotional layer to this past week.

My ex boyfriend was also emotionally abusive. He would constantly make comments aimed at lowering my self esteem. "Why don't you lose weight?" "Why don't you exercise more?" "I won you a prize at the carnival, why can't you win me one?" "Why do you cry so much?". Things like this.

Last Saturday, I went on a date with one of my ex's friends. The date was great. we went and had a great time and will meet each other again. The guy I went out with asked to take a selfie with me. I posted it on Instagram (my ex was still following me). He said he didn't care, but i'm sure it hurt him.

Yesterday I sent my final text to my ex. This was the exchange:
Me: "I think one day you will really regret your decision to let me go"
Him: "I will. I'm sorry"
Me: "Do you regret it already?"
Him: "Plz leave me alone. I am sure I will, but that's what I chosen. I hope you can find someone better soon."
Me: "Ok. If you decide you want to try things again, then let me know and i'll talk to you."

He didn't respond after that. I proceeded to block his phone number as well. I've been having a really tough time coping with the relationship ending. I've been crying a lot and feel really lonely.

I live in Washington, DC and kind of want to just leave and move to a bigger city. I feel I haven't had much luck dating here. My only real relationship here was with my now ex. I have friends, but none I feel strongly enough about to keep me here. I'm also attracted to Asian guys, so I feel I would prefer a larger city with more options, like LA or New York. The cost of living is similar in those cities as well, so no real sticker shock.

I really need advice on how to move on though... I've tried calling those gay hotlines, and I feel better for a short time. My feelings always relapse though...

 

[Danny]

Yikes....

I see so much wrong with this situation. You clearly state that the guy was emotionally abusive. He told you be doesn't like sex with you. He's told you he doesn't see a future with you. He's repeatedly asked you to basically leave him alone. Please, tell me why you want this guy back?? And the first date you go on, very soon after your breakup, was with his friend?! Then, you purposely (admit it) posted a photo of you with this guy, trying to make your ex jealous. You continue to harrass him, when he's asked you to move on. Then, wonder why he's asking you to leave him alone. I understand that breakups can be very tough, but you just gave all these reasons why this guy is horrible, then asked us to justify your attempts to get back with him. I'd suggest reading your own post a few times and letting those words sink in. Also, moving sounds a bit irrational. If you want to move for yourself, then go for it. But at this point, it sounds like you're wanting to move because of this breakup. It's only been a couple weeks. Take some time. Relax. DC has a huge gay population and I know tons of really great gay guys who live there. Moving to a new city will only be the same thing. You're still going to be friendless, only in a new place. Go out in DC and make some friends. Join a gym and start talking to other members (I recommend Vida, large gay membership). You'll feel better about yourself, it'll give you a new hobby and you'll meet some people.

 

[Gekishinken]

Yikes....

I see so much wrong with this situation. You clearly state that the guy was emotionally abusive. He told you be doesn't like sex with you. He's told you he doesn't see a future with you. He's repeatedly asked you to basically leave him alone. Please, tell me why you want this guy back?? And the first date you go on, very soon after your breakup, was with his friend?! Then, you purposely (admit it) posted a photo of you with this guy, trying to make your ex jealous. You continue to harrass him, when he's asked you to move on. Then, wonder why he's asking you to leave him alone. I understand that breakups can be very tough, but you just gave all these reasons why this guy is horrible, then asked us to justify your attempts to get back with him. I'd suggest reading your own post a few times and letting those words sink in. Also, moving sounds a bit irrational. If you want to move for yourself, then go for it. But at this point, it sounds like you're wanting to move because of this breakup. It's only been a couple weeks. Take some time. Relax. DC has a huge gay population and I know tons of really great gay guys who live there. Moving to a new city will only be the same thing. You're still going to be friendless, only in a new place. Go out in DC and make some friends. Join a gym and start talking to other members (I recommend Vida, large gay membership). You'll feel better about yourself, it'll give you a new hobby and you'll meet some people.

You are, of course, right with a lot of what you say. You are right as well that I had been harassing him and intentionally posted things on instagram to get him jealous. I guess the thing I don't get is how you can go from previously discussing moving in together and having a family to one day magically saying "Oh, I don't see a future with you at all".

I guess it doesn't matter though, right? He's made clear he doesn't want me to contact him and I will respect that. I suppose it's natural to be upset and i'm sure he is upset as well (regardless of what he might say).

As for moving from DC...the ex issue is a factor that has added to a huge pile of dislike for DC since I moved here in May of last year. I have, genuinely, not enjoyed living here too much. The free events are nice, but I just don't see a long term future in this city. It has been helpful to me professionally, having allowed me to gain two years of professional work experience that I can quantify a multitude of different ways on a resume. I just see my future in either NYC or LA since i've moved here.

 

[Gekishinken]

Regarding the relationship ending, it genuinely has made me feel more free. My ex was INCREDIBLY controlling. He hated me having other gay friends and strongly disliked me looking for other gay friends on apps like Jack'd or Grindr. I've found that i've made more friends in the 10 days since my breakup than in the previous 8 months combined. As my best friend here in DC says: "You were wronged and were in an abusive, controlling relationship". I see that now. Maybe that's why I want him back? Because he controlled me and screwed with my mind.

Internally, I have zero desire to date him again, but my heart somewhere wants him back.

 

[badbug]

Hi,

sorry you are finding things so difficult.


I wonder if maybe this is a self-esteem thing for you? Nobody wants to be rejected, it's especially difficult if it seems to come out of left field, it's only natural to A) want to know why B) want to "fix it" by getting the person who rejected you to take it back by taking you back....even if you don't really want them back, you want their feelings back.

 

[Telstra]

You sounds like a moody person which is not nice and not pleasant.

 

[Seasoned]

Of course you're hurting and of course you're going through a grieving process. But, do know that this guy didn't deserve you, and also that you are not to allow yourself to be emotionally abused, ever. You need to watch that in the future.

As for now, absolutely stay put. Every healthy person will tell you not to make major decisions for at least a year following events like death and breakups. You will delay self-growth if you let geographical change distract you from the healing and the growth which you now need. Without that self growth you will find the same boyfriend in a different body. I guarantee it.

Surround yourself with friends. Trash talk him if you must, but avoid actions for which you'll need to make amends or will embarrass you.

 

[ezwriter]

I wouldn't characterize the guy as particularly "emotionally abusive", at least not from what you've mentioned. It sounds more like you guys were just incompatible, both emotionally and sexually, and that perhaps you need to do some work on yourself before you're ready to be in a relationship. Remember, both parties have got to be in good psychological working order before you enter into a relationship, otherwise you're just setting the relationship up for failure. Get into some counseling...you'll heal quicker and it really helps to have somebody to talk to about it who won't judge you or breach your confidence in any way.

I have to say that I admire the way this guy ended things with you. He didn't let things drag on endlessly (which is only more hurtful to you in the long run). The things he told you were undoubtedly hard for you to hear, but they will help bring you closure, because you know exactly why the relationship ended. A lot of people aren't honest in this scenario, and throw out a lot of bullshit excuses for the breakup, which just make the whole thing more painful and confusing and ambiguous. No ambiguity with this guy.

And remember that just because you weren't what this guy was looking for in bed, doesn't mean you aren't exactly what somebody else is looking for in bed. It takes two to tango, and not being compatible with one guy doesn't make you a bad lover.

There are some positives in this experience: you came out to your family and they were supportive. You're open to dating. You're making new friends. All good, positive steps in the right direction.

You'll get through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it right now, eventually you will turn a corner and figure your way out of the hurt and depression. Good luck!

 

[liu273420683]

DC dating sucks. Your ex sounds like an asshole to me. It seemed like he wasn't satisfied with you from the beginning, and yet he toyed with your feelings for so long. This is, however, the DC norm - everyone thinks they are smart and knows what they want. They are all too particular about things and once they find out you don't quite meet their standards, they just dump you like a piece of trash other than giving it a shot. I blame the city.

My rant of the day

 

[Gekishinken]

Thanks everyone for your comments and responses. It has been about a month and a half since the breakup and I think I am doing a lot better. I realize now that my ex was a scumbag and that I can do better in my life.

I omitted this from my initial post, because I was still coming to terms with it, but there was one instance in which my ex boyfriend attempted to force himself upon me. He climbed on top of me one Saturday and attempted to penetrate me without a condom, even though I kept saying stop.

I have realized that I am going to leave Washington, DC. Truthfully, I haven't enjoyed being here since I moved here in May of 2014. I knew from the beginning that the way the city is isn't me. Even when I was with my ex, I still wanted to move. Los Angeles has been my dream since 2013 and I plan on making it happen. As I say to my mom, the only thing holding me back from my LA dream is myself. I have no desires to get into the film industry, but have always enjoyed my visits there and see it as a long term location. I never, even from the beginning, saw DC as a place I would settle down. I don't think anything will change this. Even when i'm with my friends, I still want to leave DC. Interestingly, many of my friends and coworkers have expressed desires to leave DC as well.

I am dating a new guy and have been with him for the past 3 weeks. I don't know where it's going. Regardless though, I think it has helped me move on. I still occasionally think of my ex, but no longer in a wanting him back kind of way. Now it's simply a matter of not wanting to see him again, ever.

Thanks again for the posts everyone.