My Own Story

[silversmith1213]

Well, I'm not quite sure what's making me do this, but I'll continue on since I have been here long enough to realize everyone's really great and supportive here. I don't expect anyone to read this and I'm not in terrible need of help or anything, I just really need to tell my story and get it off my chest. It won't be a novel or anything but here it goes.

I grew up to a conservative family and had a pretty great childhood. I've always been a straight A student but as a child suffered from insanely bad separation anxiety (for my mother). I luckily got out of it (although it wasn't until junior high that it was gone), but along with my straight A's and Honors/AP classes has always been an immense amount of pressure. The funny thing is, my parents haven't/don't pressure me at all. I'm a perfectionist and as long as I can remember I've made myself perform above average. I mean basically if it's not an A I get mad at myself. I try to be easier on myself but it just won't happen. Anyway, I am on anti-anxiety medication just so that I can live in the present and not always worry about tomorrow. I hate to be dependent on meds, and have tried to get off of them, but suffered extreme headaches (literally I would have done anything for it to stop) for 2 months before I was put back on.

Now although I'm the school nazi, I don't consider myself "nerdy" or "geeky" or any other of those stereotypes. At least I don't consider myself to look like a nerd. I'm no jock, I absolutely suck at sports, but I also don't hack into my next door neighbors computer for fun. I play a few video games here and there, but a lot of my time is taken up with school. A lot of my spare time is actually dedicated to my animals, of which I have way too many

I consider myself lucky to have parents that are together and a pretty good family atmosphere. Of course we have a fair amount of conflicts now that I'm 18 (and for a few years before), but that happens. Also I've never really been too close with my dad, but I still love him. We just have very different personalities (actually it's mostly he doesn't find my sarcasm funny). Speaking of sarcasm, I am very cynical and sarcastic, but I'm really working on trying not to be. So back to family. My family has always been supportive of me, but they are very conservative and we live in a very conservative neighborhood. As a result I have not come out to my family (nor anyone for that matter), and probably won't be coming out to them anytime soon. My dad seems to have a special dislike for gays, and my mom doesn't seem to have a strong opinion but she still comments on really flamboyant gays and cracks some gay jokes. Actually while shopping yesterday she told me a shirt I liked looked gay and told me if I bought it she'd think I was a fag. Thanks mom! My grandma, who is like my best friend in the world, has also shown a pretty strong dislike for gays.

As far as friends go I've had some really good friendships with some really bad endings. I've always been the kind of person that would take a bullet for my best friend and as a result have been pretty hurt. My first really close knit group of friends drifted apart as we grew older and shared less interest. I actually still say "hi" to them every once in a while and really regret our little group kinda split. My second really good group of friends was the ones who pretty much ruined friendship for me. We hung out all the time and were great friends, but then one of them really started bothering me about religion. He was a mormon and said that because I wasn't I'd be going to hell and blah blah. I ended up not talking to him for a while, and in the meantime he decided to spread rumors about me. No one else in the group backed me up (in fact they were more behind him for some reason), and so I left that group feeling incredibly betrayed. Years later now if I see one of them they still give my dirty looks or look at one another and giggle. I moved on to another set of friends which were good people, but they never wanted to hang out with me. When I found out they hung out together with out me as a matter of habit, that was the end of them. I've stayed kinda between groups since and have made friends with lots of people and hung out with different groups, but don't have any close relationships or what I would call real "friendship". There's no one I would confide in (like this for example) or want to be with every day to hang out.

What haven't I covered so far in this God awful rant? Ah yes. For a long time growing up I knew I wasn't sexually interested in girls and thought I'd grow into it. I had no idea that I was actually attracted to men. I don't know exactly when or how I realized it, but I did, and for a pretty good while after that was ashamed of it. I tried to tell myself it was just a phase, but I was wrong. I've accepted myself as gay for a while now and I'm not ashamed at all, but also won't be wearing any rainbow shirts with "gay pride" on them anytime soon.

I'm pretty loaded with insecurities about myself and try my hardest to ignore them. I mean, I hate my body. I'm not really overweight (well ok, like 10 pounds), but I just feel like I have no chance without a six pack and a sweet bod. Lately probably the biggest thing bothering me is I think my face is too round. My face... looks fat. Ok... so its not that I don't think I have a chance at all, it's just if I were someone else, I don't think I would exactly be impressed with myself. I ran track and cross country for two and a half years but stopped due to a knee condition and haven't exercised very well since. I'm trying to diet and exercise, but there's really not enough time in the day. I mean, why else would I be writing this at 12:30 at night. Besides, even when I was running 6-8 miles a day I didn't have the body I wanted so I need to make a plan. I'm hoping that after I get all of my college apps and scholarships figured out I'll have time to go to the gym between work and the hundreds of hours of community service I need. I really want a gym buddy so I can have some company (and some support), but haven't found anyone yet.

My last problem with myself is hard to explain. I feel like I'm too into guys for their bodies and not for who they are. I mean sure maybe it's because I don't really get to know that many people very well, but I'm not sure. I've had a crush on like a third of the water polo team (and still do... but don't get me started), yet it is kinda disappointing to myself I've only had a crush on one person for personality, and they actually had a pretty nice body. I want so hard to change it, but I just can't find myself getting in a relationship with someone who I really didn't like how they looked. There's no chance in hell that's what I would base a relationship on, but to tell the truth I don't think I would go for someone who was really overweight or looked like a gorilla or something. God, it sounds so vain and I hate myself for saying it! There's this horrible little piece deep down inside me that just wants a relationship with a hot, tan, muscled stud and no one else. Obviously I can't just pursue relationships with guys because of how they look, but is it wrong of me to take physical/sexual interest with me while I'm looking for relationships? In the perfect world I know I'd be completely open to everyone, but as sad as it sounds I know I'm not. I mean I have my own "style" which I guess is fine. I don't like feminine gays, extremely flamboyant gays, or drag queens or anything... Well, I don't know where I'm going with this but I could rant for hours and not say anything important so I'll just stop.

Back to the crushes I've had, I've agonized and agonized over some of them but have never been able to act. High school is simply too dangerous of a place to be openly gay, and if the person I had a crush on didn't have any sympathy, the whole school would know in about 5 minutes.

Well, as if that wasn't my life story right there, but if I think of anything I forgot I'll just ad it later. Oh and yea, it already feels good to put this down in words. BTW- sorry for any misspellings, bad grammar, or not breaking it up enough. I tried!

 

[idunoo]

er....well it's not a bad life story, i would recomend you to look for friend not in a gorup becuase you WILL NOT and well actualy most of the tiem if you i na gorup of friend you wont be able to get very clsoe with someone, i rather have a single friend btu a close friend i have single friend not in a group, your parent you just need to find a right time to tell tehm sicne htey are your parent they will love you still. and about looking for a bf, it's normal i'm into hot stunning tan ..muscular (well nto to much) guys too and the fact is i would probably date soemoen that dotn look so ugly -_- but i should be thinking that some good looking guy is cocky as hell and make me hate them so yeah but i found that I sorta liek this one guy who is slim not the bst looking guys but not really ugly, very very ncie and sweet. I hope everythign go wells for your life ok?

 

[luminum]

I think it's important for every person to write out their stories. It's like a road map of where you've been and where you're headed.

Thanks for sharing it, silver.

 

[Philia]

Haha yea. In response to what idunoo wrote, I tend to go for the shy introverts because it's easier to keep them to yourself, as bad as that sounds .

I don't think people can help being shallow when it comes to picking out prospects. I know I can get pretty picky. But I think sometimes someone worth sticking with comes when you least expect it, or when you're not looking for it. Which is why I'm pacing myself right now. You get a better look at a person overall if you start out as friends and gradually work into something. I know I've fell for guys who I didn't find physically attractive initially based on their personality.

Friends are hard to come by. I myself have many acquaintances but very few friends. There's probably only one guy right now who I feel the most comfortable with. We can talk about practically anything and no matter what I do, he never treats me any differently. I knew this guy for awhile though, I feel that having a crush on him sorta put a hindrance between our friendship in the past. But he's become far to preoccupied with his body so he's trying to work out now. That'll quickly kill whatever crush I have left (I must be the only guy who finds muscles unattractive).

Anyway, I'd say you have a good head on you. It wasn't until late last year that I finally came to terms with myself after being in denial for such a long time. You also have a very competent way with words I must say.

 

[idunoo]

(I must be the only guy who finds muscles unattractive).

Lol, I find slim or abit built guy or just good upper body and in shape hot, and to be honest I'm disgusted by Heavily muscle built and seeing muscle men disgusting me and send a shilver down my spine, a mean thing to say but it's true overly built seem deform and mess up, but wayyyy to skinny scare me also, lol I guess i'm abit to picky, otherwise I like guys that are first time, they seem so into everything

 

[texan_slant]

Things will happen for you in college. It sounds like you've done really well for yourself academically and this will open doors for you. Do you have the options of applying for colleges that are far enough that you won't be living with your parent's?

With college comes learning about yourself more, learning about life, and also, having more options when it comes to meeting people/friends. Luckily, the years that can make a positive impact on you aren't limited to your high school years. I talk from experience - I concentrated on nothing but school during high school, yet my college years helped me come out of my shell. Be yourself, don't rush things, and in making friends, concentrate on getting to know one person really well rather than trying to hang out with a group initially.

...lastly, you're not the only one who's attracted to looks first rather than anything else - it's not wrong. I am the SAME way. Different things drive different people, and the fact that you're aware of it goes to show that you have much more maturity than you give yourself credit for! If it was the right person, your intuition would prob be to get to know the other more...

One more thing - don't forget - you're still young, and you have your whole life ahead of you! you've done well so far by concentrating on school.

 

[silversmith1213]

Thanks for the support and comments guys.

Texan_slant: I have one college that I really want to go to that is far enough away that I wouldn't be living at home, but still close enough to be home on the weekends (if I want). It'll be really hard for me to pay for housing, but I'll figure something out if I get accepted. Probably the hardest thing for me will be leaving all of my animals. Finding a new job will suck too, and I won't be able to have a car, but the animals are the worst because I keep a lot of exotics that no one in my family knows how to take care of. Not like they'd want to either! But, they're no reason for me to hold back on a life experience and (hopefully) a lot of happiness, so everything will have to be figured out in time. I guess the first step would be getting accepted!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi silversmith and welcome to JUB! I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you posted.

Yes, I too had the question about college and striking out on your own. That's the time many do it. You'll find, as you live away from home, that your immediate family's opinion of how you play out your life takes on less and less importance. That doesn't mean that they don't mean the world to you, and that you love them greatly, just that it changes. And, their love for you changes too as you grow into a man and become more independent--financially as well as emotionally. In, say, 5 or so years, when you're 23 or so, they would likely have a very different view of you being gay than they do today.

Leaving the comfort zone of your families home is hard with, in your case, good friends and your special animals. Perhaps choosing the college that's far enough away to live at, yet close enough for weekend visits, is the ideal solution for you.

Good luck. You're a bright guy, and you will figure out the mine-field with respect to your community and parents in your own time. Don't push anything. I suspect you'll know when the time is right to say something to them (if ever).

Finally, have you considered contributing your thoughts and story to Empty Closets? Empty Closets is owned by JUB and is designed for those under 18 who are dealing with coming out issues. Many contributors are 18 and somewhat over 18 too, but enjoy discussing and helping others who are at home and dealing with coming out from an adolescent perspective. I suspect you'd have a lot to give in terms of perspective, if you're willing and have the interest. The website is www.emptyclosets.com.

Thanks, and good luck to you.

 

[silversmith1213]

I will gladly share my story with Empty Closets but unfortunately it will have to wait. I leave tomorrow morning for a ten day medical forum and will not have access to a computer (at least not for forum-posting). I would do it tonight but would rather be around for a few days afterwards to answer questions, etc.

Thanks again for the support.

 

[rareboy]

Phew, now you have that all that off your chest, you should be able to work on a plan to change and improve on the things you'd like to. How great to have a fairly well developed sense of yourself at 18. You've done better than most.

Having said that, remember that you are 18 and that more adult life experience will colour your emotional and intellectual growth.

There is, by the way, nothing more annoying than a cynical teenager. You don't have the right to be that way yet. It is a rite of passage that should take some years before you're world weary. The best part of being cynical though is the tremendous joy you'll have when the unexpected comes along and you find yourself madly in love with your cynicism in tatters.

Since you obviously love animals (unless given the medical bent, you are a vivisectionist) you are also able to love unconditionally...so maybe the cynicism is just an affectation and you can grow out of it.

...oh by the way, if your parents haven't figured out if you're gay by your sarcasm and cynicism, they are from that great State of Denial. Ignore the homo bashing if you can, but if it gets too hateful, just tell them to shut the fuck up because you're a cocksucker too.

 

[backpacker]

You sound like a pretty normal teenager to me. You are full of insecurities and self doubt. You are focused on the few flaws you may have rather than all your wonderful, positive qualities. First you need to just take a deep breath and just start living your life. You are over analyzing everything and it's getting in the way of your happiness. It's great to have plans and a vision, but sometimes you just need to go with the flow. I'm willing to bet this is the main problem that you have had with your friends (if you ask them).

You also sound like you have over scheduled your life. Everyone needs some down time just to have fun. If you are doing all the community service to impress colleges, it may actually hurt your chances. They are wise to people who over schedule and know they often have problems handling the college load.

As far as your bod goes, there are guys for every type of body. If having a "better" body would make you happy, then you should make time to work out. Exercising is good for your physical and mental health. With that said, don't think having a killer bod will change your life. You will still be the same person inside. You should read the thread by Superboy to see he still has the same insecurities even though he has the killer bod (used to be overweight).

With regard to your family being conservative and homophobic, I'm willing to bet they love you a whole lot more than they value their homophobic ideals. This forum is full of guys who thought their families would never accept them, only to be pleasantly surprised once they came out. Often there is a transition period where the family thinks it's just a phase and they try to convince you to change. Often it takes some time for them to accept it. Should they be in the minority that won't accept it, you will still be better off not living a lie. If you truly feel their reaction could be very bad, then I would wait until you are not dependent upon them to come out. Good luck and remember to take some time to smell the roses (i.e. enjoy life).

 

[Xpione]

I can relate to your relationship with your friends. I went through the same thing, but after high school I found two person I would consider friend. I refer most of the people I met and talk to ask colleage or clasmate. I consider very few people actually my friends. Anyhow, focusing on your sexual relationship. I would presume you're a teenager. I want to point out the fact that your desire for attractive men is a natural and normal phase since your hormone is running crazy when you're a teenager. Trust me, when you found a friend, you'll like them for who they are not what they look like. Find one! Overall, I am enthusiatic about your future because you realize all your problems in a conservative world. To know is the first step to changes.

 

[thermodynamics]

I identify 100% with the Straight A part. Regarding college, Straight A's often result in pretty nice scholarships, so don't panic yet.

A lot of things will change for the better once you get to college--you realize that there are other people like you, and you can forge out a life of your own. You'll just have to bite the bullet on the anti-anxiety meds for now, and just rely on them. When life settles down, then you can try going off of them, but for now, just accept it.

You're still a teenager. The way you see the world will change dramatically in the next 4 years as you grow and mature. Give yourself some time, as changes won't happen overnight.