My Parnter ... Alcohol...lack of Communication ... HELP

[keazcums]

I am not sure if this is the right area, however here are some basic facts

I am 46 he will be 48

we started dating in 2002 and dated thru 2005

in 2005 I moved into his place,

Been living together for 5 years

__________________________

Problem:

I am currently unemployed and it is stressing him out
I understand that....

Communication between us just SUCK

I want to talk but he just goes on to his web sites such as bear and manhunt
okay so he talks to some mutual friends that we have...I do not have accounts there and it does not bother me that he talks to others that's fine...It just seems to me that he spends more time talking to them then me...I think its rude...because when he is home from work I do not go and check messages every 20min....

I HATE going to parties with him because he drinks to the point that
I know that I can not have a drink because I am going to be the one to
drive home.

He drinks to the point that people at the party tell me what is "HIS" Issue

He drinks to the point that I need help loading him into the car

now mind you this does not happen at every party, or every weekend

I can not talk to him about it because he says its none of my business...

He wonders why I am not sexually attracted to him...well its because his breath wreaks like that of a drunk, and his behavior at the parties is really embarrassing, and I dont find it attractive at all...

I still find him, as a person who is not drinking or has just had one adult beverage attractive...cute, funny, that little sparkle in his eye...

Maybe I am being to harsh and making it sound like a terrible living situation, but it is not. for the most part its a good relationship....

We have only had 2 "fights" ever...not punching, not slugging or throwing things, just raising our voices and pointing....


I have noticed that he can pour himself a glass of wine starting as early as 10am

I have noticed that bottles half bottles of vodka are now suddenly missing

How would any of you approach or solve this issue?

If you do not feel that you have enough information on anyone of these subjects ask questions first...Ill be happy to give an answer.... now mind you I realize that with any situation there are 2 sides to the coin and you can only get my point of view...but I will make sure its fair and balanced.

t

 

[lunarus]

Has his drinking problem, let us face it he has one, started as of late?

Have you asked him why he will not sit down and talk to you?

Has communication always sucked between you two?

Are you ready for the relationship to end?

Look loosing one's job is tough on anyone, and yes it can either make or brake you relationship. If he loves you he will stick by you...

You are going to need to sit him down and talk to him about his drinking habit, he isn't 20 anymore. Drinking o excess is his way to hide from some issue(s) he is having and not wanting to deal with. And unless he wants to end up in an early grave he needs to deal with them.

Oh and about those websites he goes to and talks to them and not you, it may be me but I would have a real issue with that...say what you will but when comes to hook up sites and let's face it that is what they are, I wouldn't be too happy that he choose them over me.

Lunar

 

[keazcums]

Has his drinking problem, let us face it he has one, started as of late?


Since I have known him he has always had 3 glasses of wine at night. I'm not sure if that could be considered an alcoholic as I have 2 glasses of wine at night.


If the issue is that he has started to drink more, and that his behavior changes, then on some weekends I would say yes...and other weekends I would say no...its not a clear cut situation.


Have you asked him why he will not sit down and talk to you?
Has communication always sucked between you two?

Communication has always not been its best, i have tired to explain to him
that he intruppts me all the time, and corrects me all the time...and he nit picks..hes a type A... I mean this man will wax windows, and get a q tip to get the dust out of a corner....


Are you ready for the relationship to end?

No he does encourage me, I calm him, I am not ready to leave that' s for sure, and I know that if I leave he would be heart broken


Look loosing one's job is tough on anyone, and yes it can either make or brake you relationship. If he loves you he will stick by you...

he is doing what he can I cashed in my ROTH IRA and two other savings accounts, and my coin collection...so I can get by for a while...thankfully I am not all that much in debt...just the car and that's under a $4,600

You are going to need to sit him down and talk to him about his drinking habit, he isn't 20 anymore. Drinking o excess is his way to hide from some issue(s) he is having and not wanting to deal with. And unless he wants to end up in an early grave he needs to deal with them.

Oh and about those websites he goes to and talks to them and not you, it may be me but I would have a real issue with that...say what you will but when comes to hook up sites and let's face it that is what they are, I wouldn't be too happy that he choose them over me.

I think we are all allowed a bit of freedom, I have always said that window shopping is fun, but you can't try it on...there are people we associate and arrange get togethers with etc.... so is it balanced, I dont know, but if I loose trust then what is there left?
Lunar

 

[lunarus]

Okay a couple of drinks of wine is one thing, but binge drinking is something all together different.

And I understand the type A personality, but out of respect he shouldn't interrupt you while you are having a convo. But that is my own personal feeling. It would just irritate the hell out of me if my hubby did that lol. There is a fine art of listening to one's partner's concerns and up-taking all that is said and not just talk at them.

Can I ask what he does for you? The reason I ask is this, do you feel like you are carrying the relationship, IE... doing all the emotional stabilizing. As you say calming him. When you have a problem do you go to him and seek comfort or just keep it to yourself? Okay bare with me here...

With loosing your job and all, and having to cash in so much, ack I feel for you dear, but if you are the calming influence in the relationship and with everything that has transpired he may be having a hard time trying to figure out a way to fix it for you. Hence the weekends of binge drinking. He doesn't know what to do. Instead you you be the one that calms him, he is now trying to do it for you. Again no one can tell if he doesn't talk to you.

Again I cannot say this enough to everyone, communication is KEY. So many relationship problems can be worked out through proper communication. We have some how lost that aspect. That and the proper tools to deal with life. I have met so many people in this world that lack even the basic tools to deal with there own lives, let alone with another's. <=== This is a blanket statement not aimed at you keazcums.

To often I hear someone say, so and so and I are having a problem. To which I ask, did you talk to them about it. They reply, no. People are not mind readers. Talk it out, try to come to some conclusion, be it good or bad. <====Again not aimed at you keazcums. LOL.

Okay the thing about window shopping. I understand that we are still human and we like to look, but are these people friends? Does he have a profile on these sites? I'm sorry there is a vast difference from say coming here and chatting on the boards and what not then going to bear and manhunt... To me they are just meat markets serving one purpose...say what you will, call me a prude or what ever you must, I would find it just a bit disconcerting that he feels the need to check it ever 20 minutes to see if anyone has replied to him. Doe he need reassurance that he is still attractive? If so he needs to come to you first.

In closing I say sit him down and tell him there needs to be a frank discusion about where everything stands. Ask him to listen and tell you what he thinks and feels about what is going on. But be forewarned, you may not like what you hear. Some times we say we want the truth yet we ourselves are unprepared for it when it comes out.

Money comes and goes in one's life... True love is harder to find and keep... Which one do the both of you want?

Lunar

 

[Seasoned]

If you think alcohol is a problem, then it is, but the only person who can do anything about it is your partner. You could learn more on line by going to AA and Al-Anon.

I hope there are job prospects for you. That will be important as you move forward.

In order to save your mental health you may need to learn or re-learn some principles, namely, fair fighting, assertiveness and tough love.

My partner has long time sobriety. We have been together through it all. We learned a lot along the way and continue to do so.

As a first step I'd suggest that you allow him to feel the consequences of his drinking, ie, no undressing him, putting him to bed, making excusses for him, etc.

If it is alcoholism there is no cure, but, if left untreated, has predictable outcomes: prison, mental institution (wet brain), or death. The process can be slow and painful. You have already been affected and need help for yourself. If you were to walk away, chances are that your next boyfriend would be similar to this one, unless you worked on yourself.

PM me anytime. Good luck to you both.

 

[rareboy]

He's an alcoholic.

You have to tell him to get help or you're leaving.

Don't be an enabler.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>He wonders why I am not sexually attracted to him...well its because his breath wreaks like that of a drunk, and his behavior at the parties is really embarrassing, and I dont find it attractive at all...

Then why is he still wondering?
Because you haven't told him?

Lex

 

[Lefty]

What has been described here does not indicate a viable relationship.

The description herein fits roomies and roomies that are actually tired

of each other but in lockstep by rote and habit.

For god sakes, you don't even care enough to fight. or do stuff together as a

couple instead of just close acquaintences.

You boys need to do some wall breaking before you finish the home wrecking

JMHO, ultimately you guys have to make the decisions.

GOOD LUCK and GOOD FORTUNE

 

[Georgiadude]

Sounds like a classic alcoholic. I'm in recovery myself and what your describing is typical behavior. Of course he is going to deny having a problem. That's the first trick us addicts use. Then we turn the tables and make it sound like your the problem. I'm sure you've probably already heard the "nobody else has said I have a problem except you" line already. If you haven't, you will soon. We twist things to not only deflect the blame but to help hide our own shame. You've noticed bottles missing. I guarantee 100% that he has bottles hidden throughout the house. Guarantee it. His may not get sloppy drunk every day but at parties and events he drinks more. It's called "binge drinking". Another classic behavior. If it looks, walks and quacks like a duck.........it's a duck.


He may be a very nice person but the disease of alcoholism is going to destroy him, the relationship and possibly you. You can try and get him into treatment but be ready for excuses, denial and lies to start. Don't wait for "rock bottom" to happen and him to realize he has a problem. Very rarely does that work. It's going to take you and other loved ones to make him realize he has a problem. He needs to see the consequences of his actions and continued drinking. Dont help him recover from a hangover, don't pour him in the car and take him home, don't buy him ANY alcohol. Tell him if you see him driving after he's been drinking your going to call the police. Then follow through on it. Better he's in jail then dead or has killed someone.

You can contact Al-anon or other groups. Check with a chemical dependency clinic in your area. They should have some good resources for you. In the end the decision to get help is his. He's the one that has to want it. It's hard to watch someone we love destroy themselves but you have to take care of YOURSELF first.

Best regards

Steven.

 

[1RadPony]

I am not sure if this is the right area, however here are some basic facts

I am 46 he will be 48

we started dating in 2002 and dated thru 2005

in 2005 I moved into his place,

Been living together for 5 years

__________________________

Problem:

I am currently unemployed and it is stressing him out
I understand that....

Communication between us just SUCK

I want to talk but he just goes on to his web sites such as bear and manhunt
okay so he talks to some mutual friends that we have...I do not have accounts there and it does not bother me that he talks to others that's fine...It just seems to me that he spends more time talking to them then me...I think its rude...because when he is home from work I do not go and check messages every 20min....

I HATE going to parties with him because he drinks to the point that
I know that I can not have a drink because I am going to be the one to
drive home.

He drinks to the point that people at the party tell me what is "HIS" Issue

He drinks to the point that I need help loading him into the car

now mind you this does not happen at every party, or every weekend

I can not talk to him about it because he says its none of my business...

He wonders why I am not sexually attracted to him...well its because his breath wreaks like that of a drunk, and his behavior at the parties is really embarrassing, and I dont find it attractive at all...

I still find him, as a person who is not drinking or has just had one adult beverage attractive...cute, funny, that little sparkle in his eye...

Maybe I am being to harsh and making it sound like a terrible living situation, but it is not. for the most part its a good relationship....

We have only had 2 "fights" ever...not punching, not slugging or throwing things, just raising our voices and pointing....


I have noticed that he can pour himself a glass of wine starting as early as 10am

I have noticed that bottles half bottles of vodka are now suddenly missing

How would any of you approach or solve this issue?

If you do not feel that you have enough information on anyone of these subjects ask questions first...Ill be happy to give an answer.... now mind you I realize that with any situation there are 2 sides to the coin and you can only get my point of view...but I will make sure its fair and balanced.

t

I'm in an 18yr relationship that would take to long to explain, but what I will tell you is that it is ever changing..... who knew. I'm also unemployed currently, an this last year has been a problem unlike any other year. My partner went to AA for 3 yrs- part of the long story. His office is in the house, we're talking 24/7. Let's talk nightmare.

Keep looking for work and get the book Pulling Your Own Strings, by W. Dyer. If the dude is drinking at 10am- he needs help. I sent my partner to AA the first time around, for help- it helped at that point 11 yrs in, everyone told me to leave, when is enough enough? Now again we're at 18yrs. You have to pick one and invest. He'll love you for it. Refuse to be the victim. Best of luck... I feel ya.

 

[thisisinteresting]

You definitely need some change in your relationship. Does not sound healthy. I've been there with the drinking thing and I had an eye-opening experience after trying to drive home after puking from drinking too much. You need to approach the situation. Someone does. He will get defensive, like someone said he will try to flip the blame on you, he will try anything to avoid being responsible for his actions and his problem. Take it one step at a time. Something needs to happen though.