My problem (lengthly, but please read)

[jubjub]

I know you've all probably heard the same story many times over...but bear with me...

So I've posted a few times about my best friend who I've been attracted to for a while now. Here's some background info for those who are not familiar with this situation: I consider myself bisexual, but have never told this to anyone yet. My best friend, I am 90% sure is straight--the reasons to support this I will not get into for brevity's sake.

This guy has been my best friend for 5 years or so now. We have a great time together, enjoy the same things and just connect on many levels. I've been trying for a long time to accept the fact that nothing romantic can occur between us for two reasons: one being that I don't want to ruin our friendship, and two, because I am convinced he is straight.

However, this attempt has failed miserably so far. I don't have a lot of free time because I'm a full time college student and working 3 shifts a week to pay off my car. The free time that I do have, I end up spending with him. I suppose this is the problem. Everytime I am with him, I feel great and at ease, like there is no other place I'd rather be. Everytime I'm not hanging out with him, I get bored, depressed, and sad.

Last weekend, we went on a ski trip together with a few friends. We always end up sharing the same bed on trips because we are most comfortable with each other. We always jokingly say "don't touch me while we're sleeping" or "don't sleep so close to me" and etc. Not that we actually do touch each other, but at times he does sleep extremely close to me (like face to face). I don't pull away because I enjoy being close with him, but this only hurts in my aim to not foster any romantic feelings for him. One night on the ski trip, while we were lying in bed, we started talking about our friendship. Basically he just told me I was his best friend, how I was so important to him, and that no girl could come between us.

You have to realize that he isn't a really emotionally open guy. He doesn't like talking about his feelings, so having him tell me this was quite a shock (albeit flattering) for me. But again, having him say this only makes it harder for me to try and lose my romantic interest in him.

Some of you in the past have suggested that I stop spending so much time with him, and that I would then eventually get over my feelings for him. Others have told me to tell him how I feel, and tell him my orientation. I know these are all plausible plans, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Not spending time with him makes me depressed. And I don't want to change our friendship by telling him how I feel about him. I know eventually I will tell him I am bisexual (he has told me that even if I was gay, that wouldn't affect our friendship), but I don't feel that right now is the right time.

He's leaving town for at least two months in a few weeks, which I've been dreading ever since he told me. I know two months isn't a long time, but not being able to see him for that long after spending so much time with him these past years is something I can't wrap my head around. I've been telling myself that these two+ months would be enough for me to lose interest in him, but if I were to be honest with myself, I think it would make me want him more.

My question is how do I bring myself to lose romantic interest for him without resorting to telling him how I feel or leaving him out of my life until I lose these feelings? Please also post any comments or anything else you wish to share.

 

[KennyD]

Buddy, You are IN LOVE ... and until HE tells you that you and he either ARE or ARE NOT going to be more than just friends ...You are going to continue to be in love with him and pine over him when he is not around ... Go ahead and bite the bullet , be 100% HONEST and try Communicating with him instead of beating around the bust looking for an easy way out ...

 

[perkifactor]

I know exactly what you mean. My absolute best friend is a guy that I'm almost positive is straight, but there's enough for reasonable doubt...anyway, I also had a HUGE crush on him, but I realized that until I knew for sure whether he was gay, straight, bi, tri, etc... that I would just be the best friend I can be under the circumstances...I am still not over him, but I don't want to risk our friendship...He is the first person I came out to, and he still treats me EXACTLY the same as he always has (what did i do to deserve such a great friend?) Hang in there, man. You'll make the right decision when it's right for you.

 

[jubjub]

Thank you all for your replies.

KennyD: I've never been romantically in love before, so I have no idea how that feeling should be. I know that I love him as a best friend, and I know that I have deeper rooted feelings than that as well. I have also considered the idea of telling him exactly how I feel, but I just can't muster the courage to do that. I love the way our friendship is, and I don't want that to change. I do know that it would make things awkward if I told him that I had romantic feelings for him, which is why I'm trying to avoid telling him.

perkifactor: So you too get bored and depressed when you're not around your friend? I mean, if I didn't feel that way whenever we are not hanging out, I don't think this would be as big an issue as it is now. I just hate feeling that way...

 

[Adam2299]

I find your story very genuine and touching. When I was in high school I basically went through the exact same thing with one of my VERY close male friends (I'm 21 and in college now). I knew for certain he was straight, and I of course was totally in the closet. I connected with him so well and got sad when I wasn't around him. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was in love with him but I was in such denial that it was hard to even admit to myself. But I thought about him constantly and would get very depressed when he wasn't around, like you.

I think I started getting over him when I finally came out to him after I started college. He was totally fine about it, very supportive, etc. However, that's when reality sort of set in. My friend was supportive b/c he loves me as a friend and nothing more. He continued to date girls and live his normal life, knowing I was gay. Although this was somewhat heartbreaking, it allowed me to gain a new perspective and appreciation for our friendship. Key word = FRIEND. He is my best friend and always will be. I came to the conclusion that our relationship was simply perfect the way it was; nothing would ever change, but it was for the best.

I think part of the problem here is the fact that your feelings are all bottled up and you're living in a world of "what if's". (Does that make sense?) I know how you feel b/c I've been there, trust me. But perhaps you could simply come out to him? I think once you face the reality of saying "I'm bi" to this person, his reaction will allow reality to release you from all these emotions and realize that having this person in your life as your best friend is more valuable than ANYTHING else. I know it's very hard to come to terms with, but I truly think the way to "get over him" is by simply learning to appreciate your amazing relationship as it stands. Appreciate it, cherish it, start loving yourself a little more, and everything will fall into place. Some people will never find this intimacy in their longest most serious relationships; consider yourself lucky

 

[jubjub]

Adam2299: Thank you for your reply, it's great to hear something good came out of your situation. However, on my end, I'm just not ready to come out to anyone yet. I'm still confused myself, and haven't experienced enough relationships to decide what I really want to do. I know that telling him about my orientation would not change our relationship, I only fear that he would pick up on the fact that I have romantic feelings for him. Also, I think I would only be comfortable with outing myself to him, and no one else, so I don't want to burden him with the responsibility of keeping my secret. What I really want is for our friendship to stay the way it is, and not feel the way I feel whenever he is not around me. And I do consider myself lucky to have such a great friend, I just hope I don't screw it up.

 

[3nipples]

The best way to get over your feelings for him is to go out and make friends with other gay guys. My recommendation is to join a gay sports or social club, but there are many ways to do it and it's up to you to find the venue that you are the most comfortable with. These 2 months that he will be away is a good time to start.

Eventually you are going to have to tell him that you are gay. You can't go on pretending forever that you are his friend and he yours if you don't trust him enough to tell him.

 

[thermodynamics]

If you're not comfortable with coming out to him, I'm not sure what advice I can give you. I've been in a similar situation myself. What really helped was telling him that I was gay, and hearing it FROM HIS OWN MOUTH that he was straight. That's what got me over him. I would recommend that you not tell him that your'e attracted to him yet. Best to wait for that.

Just come out, and everything will work its way out. It'll work.

 

[Eagle653]

One time, several years ago, I really fell for a straight friend. It was like a no-win situation: Not being around him was painful; but being around him and not in "that way" was painful too.

There's really no easy way out, but I'll tell you what I did, for what it's worth. First, I really had to internalize that I wanted him as a friend, and that had to be protected at all costs. So, I couldn't mis-step by coming on or letting my feelings be known. Second, I did what 3-nipples suggested, and went out and met gay friends. I wasn't in love with any of them, but I was real with them and shared with them my dilemma. It was somehow easier to deal with him once I had a support group elsewhere--I was able to keep him in perspective.

As I came out more, and found a partner, my friendship with him waned. And, that was OK. We really had two different lives and needs. We remain friends, but not joined at the hip. It's really much more rewarding (and healthy) to love someone who loves you back.

Good luck. Most of us know how painful this is.

 

[Michael Luc]

I think it's good he's leaving for two months. I would encourage you to seek out the company of other gay men during the time he's away and then see how you feel about him when he returns.

What he said to you -- about no woman ever coming between you -- is beautiful. But that could be a deep feeling of friendship and that's all.

 

[jubjub]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Currently, I just find it really hard to accept him leaving for 2 or more months, I can't imagine how my life would be for those 2 months. If I can't even stand not seeing him right now for a week, how could I last 2 months? I know I can occupy myself with other things, such as school, work, and my other friends, but I know I will just end up missing him.

If I had the chance to meet gay or bisexual men I would. There are just a variety of factors which are holding me back. One being the fact that I don't even know where to start. Two, I'm not out to anyone, and I'm not sure i'm ready to hear rumours spread about me hanging out with a new crowd right now.

I'm just really confused and frustrated, I know there are plenty of options for me to consider, but I just don't have it in me to commit to any of them...

 

[jubjub]

Thank you all for your replies again.

O2: I just don't feel it's the right time for me to tell him. I'm not ready myself, nor do I want to burden him with keeping my sexuality to himself. My parents are extremely conservative, and would most definately flip out (I've already had discussions with them about gay rights and such, and they are completely against it). I know that revealing my sexuality to him will not harm our friendship, but I am uncertain about how revealing my feelings for him would affect us.

Virginaboy: Sorry to hear of your situation...that is the exact same thing that I fear so much. I have taken your recommendation and watched Summer Storm, and it was indeed a touching and reflective film.

I know that hiding my sexuality and feelings is not a healthy thing to do, but I really don't see any other option for me. It pains me that I have to keep my true self hidden, and it pains me more to be around someone I feel so strongly for without them having any knowledge of it.

He is leaving for 2+ months in four days, and I've spent almost the entire past week hanging out with him because I know I'll be missing him so much. I just know that I'm going to fall into another loop of depression once he's gone. I'm trying to preoccupy myself with other things, such as work, school, and my other friends...but none of these seem to work. I don't have the energy to focus on school. When I'm working it's fine, but once I'm off work I begin to think about him again. When I'm with my other friends I wonder what he's doing, or who he's with...I just can't stand feeling like this!

 

[aquamememe]

You don't want to not be in love, that's why you shoot down every piece of advice everyone gives you. You like feeling special and the type of love friendship affords, his attention can easily and for those times seem like romantic love.

But it's not romantic love.

I wouldn't tell him just yet how you feel, however I would tell him that you are bi, or confused about your sexuality. What would it hurt? As for burdening him with the secret, dude, why would he want to tell anyone? All you have to say is, "i'm not ready for everyone to know, so keep this between us." No biggie, no drama, if he's as good a friend as you say then he deserves to be told instead of being lied to by omission about your sexuality.

I had a situation like this in high school, about four yrs ago. It ended horribly because I didn't tell him anything, not that I was confused about my sexuality at the time and such. And it ended in all badness with me heart broken.

So tell him your bi, confused, gay whatever, just tell him that you are having a hard time w/ your sexuality. But wait, hold off on telling him the part he plays in it. Who knows, maybe by opening up the convo you might end your feelings of love for him because you would be freer to be yourself instead of channeling all of your pent up "Gay" feelings towards him.

 

[HighParkLover]

Your post comes straight from the heart so yup you are in Love. For your own piece of mind you need to let him know how you feel. Who knows maybe you will be pleasantly surprised with what he has to say or his reaction? But you must be true to yourself and living in the situation you have yourself in is not healthy. Live your life , be proud and honest and everything else will fall into place.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[jubjub]

Thank you both again for your replies.

An update is that he has now left for his 2-3 month vacation. I doubt I will be talking to him at all for this duration, save for one or two occasional e-mails. It's been 5 days since he's left, and as I have feared, I still can't get him out of my mind. It seems as though the only thing I'm looking forward to now is his return.

And again, I'm trying to pre-occupy myself with school, work and living my life. So far I haven't felt any form of depression yet, which is definately a good thing. I'll keep you all posted on any updates or further developments.

Also, please feel free to post any other comments, suggestions or questions. I really do appreciate and enjoy reading and responding to them.