My roommate is either asexual, or is attracted to me

[NongreasySweatproof]

So I'm living with a random roommate right now (I'm in university housing), not of my choosing (long story). He's a really smart kid, but is very, very socially inept, and still needs his mom to look after him and everything, despite being of college age. He's on some special mathematics scholarship for really, really smart people. I don't think he had much fun, as a kid, unfortunately. If I had more time to go out, I'd introduce him to my friends and try to socialize him a little better, but we mostly just stay out of each other's way, because I have a lot of work, and he's always in his room playing WoW (which I disapprove of, but it's none of my business).

It's weird, but I always feel his eyes on me whenever we talk. He just stares a little too long, and I get this weird vibe from him. The most obvious explanation is that he's just a little socially maladjusted, but I also get a slight thrill from knowing that he might be attracted to me--not that anything is EVER going to happen. (I'm attracted to some guys, but definitely not to him. I have a feeling we'll have some interesting conversations this year, though, because he's okay to talk with if it's about anything technical.)

With my previous roommates, we'd walk around shirtless or naked or whatever, and it was no big deal--just being comfortable. I still do that, but there's an added factor that I sort of like the extra bit of attention I seem to be getting from him, and I'm perpetually in a state of semi-undress almost a bit more than is necessary. It's almost like the minute I come home, the shirt comes off, and I'm walking around in my briefs. It doesn't give me any kind of a sexual thrill, but showing off a little and being kind of physical next to his strictly mental braininess makes me feel rather cocky and masculine. I hope what I'm doing isn't detestable. For all I know, he could just think I'M the weird one, or completely not notice anything. Also, I kind of like the idea of mentoring him a little bit, get him to talk with some girls (or guys, or ANYBODY). Maybe I'll do so during spring term, when my workload's a little lighter.I'm a few years older than he, and want to be the cool, funny, nice and roommate. I hope I'm not the first roommate who's ever been nice to him, though it would be cool if I am (he's told me stories about his past roommates that got me a little big scared). I feel a bit patronizing toward him, which is a bad thing. I just hope he doesn't go all psycho, for whatever reason, because he seems really immature, and might be capable of anything. Anyway, that's my life right now--kind of boring. I get my interesting tidbits where I can find them.

 

[Eagle653]

As you said, maybe what you're feeling is his social ineptness, or maybe your detecting some other kind of interest. Either way, it's nice that you're looking out (generally) for his social welfare and I hope when your workload lightens you have time to help socialize him. If he's really that brainy, he might have missed some social-skill training along the way. If you can help him overcome any nerd-factorf, he'll thank you for it later!

Have fun--let us know what happens with him.

 

[taiger65]

good that you're trying to help him out. i know that i always appreciate it when people offer a helping hand, no matter what the situation. plus, good people are just plain awesome.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Yeah, though he might not want my "help" -- if he's happy doing his thing, I'm not one to interfere. I'm only a little bit more inclined to intervene because I don't feel like he's THAT smart, either, though I could be mistaken. I feel like I can hold at least a candle to his intellect. If he were undoubtedly some sort of genius, then who cares how socially adjusted he is---he'd be pretty amazing just for his brains. But if he's not, he might want to hedge his bets a little. It's weird, but I feel like some kind of big meathead around him, whereas around most other people I'm only semi-meatheaded and might even be regarded as quasi-brainy (if I may flatter myself in this way).

 

[taiger65]

Yeah, though he might not want my "help" -- if he's happy doing his thing, I'm not one to interfere. I'm only a little bit more inclined to intervene because I don't feel like he's THAT smart, either, though I could be mistaken. I feel like I can hold at least a candle to his intellect. If he were undoubtedly some sort of genius, then who cares how socially adjusted he is---he'd be pretty amazing just for his brains. But if he's not, he might want to hedge his bets a little. It's weird, but I feel like some kind of big meathead around him, whereas around most other people I'm only semi-meatheaded and might even be regarded as quasi-brainy (if I may flatter myself in this way).

Yeah, of course. Like you said, you don't wanna force it, but just let him know that you're a cool guy, so that he won't be afraid to hang out with you and your friends more often. good job, nice guy, and congrats in advance on your 100th post.

 

[RenaissanceMan]

Ok, so your roommate is obviously me back in elementary school and I had many guys do the same thing with me.

But like was said, don't force or insist he do something... in my case that just worked against getting me social. However, the guy in just boxers pleading worked quite well for me.

For me, getting the feeling of being wanted in people's company worked most (most people thought I was anti-social because I hated people...but I just thought everyone hated or were annoyed by me).

Even now I'm still not all that social, but I thank all of those guys that have genuinely tried to get me out of my shell and out of my boring routine, because really it only took a couple of minutes once in a while with the right words to convince my stubborn self to try something "new".

Oh and I'm also in math but that doesn't mean we're both possibly psycho, lol.

 

[spreadeagle]

You might begin with some elementary good manners by asking if he has any objection to your walking around shirtless and shortless and if he has, then moderating your behaviour so that you both obtain the maximum comfort in the space you are obliged to share.

Beyond simply being agreeable and civilised you have abolutely no responsibility or obligation to mentor him, look after him, socialise him or take him under your wing in any way. You might dig a little deeper into the feelings of manly cockiness you manifest when being semi-naked around this vulnerable and naive young man: this suggests you're using him, without his permission, to get off emotionally.

You should be aware that if you assume responsibility for him in any way then you create expectations and obligations that you may later be prepared or unwilling to fulfill. I imagine his primary purpose in being at college is neither to buttress your ego nor to anticipate a sexual relationship with a random room-mate.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

I agree with you. For the most part, we leave each other alone, as we each have our own lives. I haven't imposed on him in any way, nor do I expect to. I think we're on good terms, all things considered, and I have no other designs. As for the "manners" thing, maybe I've exaggerated a little bit--my behavior has only been slightly more liberated than the average American social norm. We're also only a few years apart--I could be an older brother, but he's old enough to be responsible for himself and to deal with me as an equal. He's NOT mature, but he's of an age at which he OUGHT to be.

 

[joeG23]

Give him a break, we all mature at different times. Usually nature compensates - if ur gifted in one way, ur not in another (that's why all the guys with big cocks have no brains - joke). Treat him like an ordinary guy, talk to him, let him know your are interested in what he does, but give him some space too. Thank god we are not all interested in the same things. He's different, maybe u could learn something from him and he can learn something from you.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Argggh. This isn't totally related, but I just had to vent. This morning I was working in a public location and I saw this totally beautiful boyfriend-girlfriend couple, or more specifically, the guy was beautiful (the girl was average to semi-pretty). I hadn't seen the girl before but had seen the guy a few times before. Not only was the guy extremely athletic, tan, dark-haired and clean-looking, he had the saddest, nicest watery puppydog eyes, and while I tried not to gawk, it was almost painful to watch them gazing into each other guys, because they were so obviously in love. Worst of all, I've seen him with his friends and he seems like a really nice friend to them, too. I obviously am attracted to the guy, and also to their coupledom, but it caused such a stirring in me that I'm now totally yearning for what I had with my ex before she broke up with me. I'm now all tempted to pick up the phone and call her. Does that make any sense at all? I hate it when I see a guy and I'm like "Gosh darn it. I WANT TO BE THAT GUY." I know that jealousy is a really ugly thing. What makes things ever more confusing is that I don't know who I'm jealous of-- the guy or his girlfriend.

 

[spreadeagle]

You're jealous of their freedom. Even in reasonably enlightened communities homophobia still makes it extremely difficult for two people of the same gender to publicly express their affection for each other.

Don't contact your ex-girlfriend. Getting back together with her will not make you THAT GUY - you'll still be you, stirring up the issues that you had already resolved in order to bring you to your current position.

The guy sounds like a romantic cliche - you might consider that your envy of his classic jock, boy-next-door persona suggests some self-esteem issues related to internalised homophobia - you're saying that you're not OK the way you are but that you need to change things about yourself in order to be acceptable.