My roommates know I'm gay, but I still refuse to come out~

[hackingnomberr]

So I live with three friends in an apartment and all of them have accused me of being gay and speculated about it. Admittedly I am, but I'm not ready to come out yet.

Well, the other day one of them just went all out and was saying he thought he was gay since he met me and that the girl I've been hanging out with recently is just a cover up. I feel like I should just come out, but the problem is that my relationship with my roommates isn't one I'd call positive.

So, because of this I'm not really comfortable coming out to them, I don't really see a benefit to it.

What do you guys think?

Feel free to ask any questions. :]

 

[infamousgreek]

Tell them that your sexuality is your business and not theirs. If you're not ready to come out, don't. Don't let people push you out of the closet, especially not people you don't have a positve relationship with.

 

[thisisinteresting]

Yeah, who cares? They sound like douchebags. Anybody who is that vocal and on the offense about someone's sexuality IMO has their own insecurities with sexuality. It has nothing to do with them. I guess until you bring guys home and get loud in the bedroom.

don't worry about it until you're ready.

 

[rareboy]

If they are 'accusing' you of being gay, they aren't your friends.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I feel like I should just come out, but the problem is that my relationship with my roommates isn't one I'd call positive...

If the relationship isn't positive, then you have nothing to lose. The response that comes to mind is, "Unless you want me to fuck you, who I sleep with really isn't any of your business."

But since you have to live with these guys and you're not ready to come out, then keep quiet and look for another place to live. You need adult roommates who have more important things to do than fret over someone else's sex life.

 

[Lube]

They see this as your weak point (since you won't admit it) and thus they pounce on it. Human Nature.

You know what--they probably don't give a rat's ass, and once you come out to them, they'll find some other 'weakness' of yours to bug you about.

Find some other roommates.

But, honestly, I don't get guys who won't "come out" and yet for all practical purposes are already out. They don't believe your lies. Why on earth are you perpetuating those lies?

 

[G-Lexington]

The benefit is they can't keep arguing the point once you admit they're right.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, it's obvious they already know.

There's some back-story here that's missing. What do you mean by "my relationship with my roommates isn't one I'd call positive...?"

Are they picking on you? Dislike you? Conflicting personalities? Awkward around you because they think you want their cocks? What's going on? In what context did this come up in the first place?

It's hard to give you advice when we don't really know what the problem is.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and yeah, if this is a big thing for you, make a plan and move.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Okay, well I'm not out at all, so the whole being out for practical reasons isn't true, I still haven't ever been with a guy.
And I've already decided I'm not living with the same people next year, because they suck haha, I do however have to live with them for the next 11 weeks.

As far as why the relationship isn't positive, I don't respect the one that was solely accusing me or his lifestyle, I already know he's extremely insecure and I could probably tear him apart if I had to, but I'm better than that. I don't feel picked on, or disliked because he's too dumb to come up with actually offensive insults, and he still treats me like a friend (in his eyes) and vice-a-versa.

And the context this barrage came from was me walking in the room, nothing else, I think he was pissed off because I was going to occupy the living room to watch Lost with a girl and he's too much of a loser to find something better to do than play Call of Duty so he had to go back to his room and rot.

And I definitely hope they don't think I want them, like, I've always wanted a friend that I was attracted to (for some odd reason), but I have none.

Basically, the problem is that I actually am at the point of being ready to come out (I've even had dreams about it and woke up feeling way happy), but I feel like I've waited this long so I might as well wait until I can come out to people that don't suck, and I feel like it would make more sense to come out when I actually have a reason, like a guy that I want to do something with.~

 

[TX-Beau]

Honey, if everybody already knows the only person you're hiding from is yourself.

Be that as it may, being out is being out to everyone. People you like and people you don't. But don't sweat that. It'll come in time. What I'm getting from what you're saying is that you only want to tell people you feel safe with for the moment - and that's fine.

But it also means that you probably aren't as comfortable as you might like to be with yourself, and it's possible this guy hit a nerve with you and pushed you out of your comfort zone.

OK, well, if you can't leave, your options are confrontation or avoidance. I generally like confrontation myself, but I suspect that in any confrontation he'd hit you where you're vulnerable, and this whole thing would just escalate.

That said, confrontation doesn't have to be combative. It can just be dealing with the issue at hand in a calm and rational way.

If you have to live with him - just for your own sanity you're going to have to have a truce with him. That means some kind of communication.

If you don't like him that much, how is it that he thinks you're his friend? Why does he think he's your friend?

I don't want to offend you, but the way this reads, it sounds like this whole gay thing is far more of an issue for you, than it is for him. Neither does is sound like he's a hardcore hater.

So ask yourself this, how much of this is really him calling you gay, and your own coming out issues and insecurities about that, and how much of this is about your relationship as roommates, or otherwise rooted in things in your relationship that have no direct bearing on being gay.

One way or another you have to live with this guy, and how you deal with this situation is going to help decide whether it's hell for you, or endurable.

Don't just ignore it and fume about it, that's not going to help anything.

 

[breatheH20]

Admittedly, you can remedy this situation by flat out telling them. Granted, that's a level of comfort you have to gauge on yourself.

I personally would just tell them; roommates, no matter who they are at the end of the day, are people to help mediate finances; nothing has to continue between you and them aside from a business relationship.

 

[racer2438]

Tell them it's none of there bizness, and when it's time to come out it is your decision not there or anyone elses.

And if you dont care for the badgering then you may want to find a better place to live..

 

[interesting]

roommates, no matter who they are at the end of the day, are people to help mediate finances; nothing has to continue between you and them aside from a business relationship.

I personally think this is the exact reason why you shouldn't tell them, it's really none of their business if you're not checking them out or fooling around. You're only around each other to help out one another financially, so your lifestyle really shouldn't even be a factor.

Perhaps they're only accusing you because they're insecure about their own sexuality.

 

[Lube]

What if you came here and said "My roommates think I'm black but I refuse to come out."

How stupid does that sound?

Substituting 'gay' for 'black' doesn't sound any less stupid, I'm sorry to say.

You know, they know, it seems everybody knows. You just won't say it. The only thing that will change when you say it is that people will at least respect you for being honest. Nobody will be surprised, certainly.

Listen to what TX-Beau said. Lots of great advice, and I think he's nailed the situation and your roommate.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Sure I have my coming out issues, for a while I was under the impression that I'd never come out haha.

I guess I still consider him a friend, but living with him is just not something I can deal with, he's highly insecure, hence why he probably brought this up with me in such an rude way.

I don't see my friends liking me any less, or treating me any different if I come out, but I don't see how it's going to benefit me unless I have some boyfriend or something. And I definitely wouldn't want to come out to people I'm not chill with, like I wouldn't tell them my personal business and I consider my sexuality pretty personal.~

And I wouldn't say the black thing is a very good analogy haha, but I get what you're trying to say. ;D
Thanks guys! :]

 

[MystikWizard]

Coming Out is actually the best thing you could do with them. They are only going to keep hounding you and hounding you until you break.

If you come out to them, you can have a very serious conversation with them about it ... and I am willing to bet, it will all go away after that.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, in the end, none of us came out just for a guy. Frankly you’re not going to find too many well adjusted out gay men who’ll consider a guy in the closet, or even half in the closet a viable prospect. Because being in the closet is a huge red flag that the guy won't be able to handle an open honest relationship, and it's unfair of the guy in the closet to ask someone to hide. The good that coming out does you is it frees you up to live your life on your own terms. It’s good for the soul. Plus you’re never going to find a guy if no one knows you’re available.

We’ve pretty much all been there, and frankly I don’t see what good you’re doing yourself or anyone else if they already know, and you still try and hide. What is the point of that? Especially if you know that there aren’t going to be any issues about it. It begs the question of WHY you’re still hiding.

Look, don’t delude yourself that sexuality is “personal,” or “private.” Who you sleep with and what you do to them is personal and private; but sexuality itself is very public. It always has been.

What we’re saying when we take that position, is that we’re not comfortable with other people knowing what our sexuality is, because ultimately, we’re not comfortable with ourselves yet. It’s better for you, and you’ll go farther, faster, if you look at why you’re uncomfortable with other people knowing who you are, and decide on a case by case basis how you’re going to deal with that. Instead of placing it all on other people for invading your "privacy."

Straight people declare their sexuality every day in a million and one different ways. From Prom, to pictures of kids on your office desk, they never stop to consider if it’s a private thing at all, because in our culture it isn’t. Yes, in some stages of the coming out process we wish they’d be more circumspect, but really, small wonder that they expect us to declare ourselves, they’re doing that all the damn time.

If you convince yourself that discomfort over your own sexuality is really privacy, you’re operating under a very different idea than they are; and you run the risk of seeing offense where none is meant.

 

[Lube]

What TX-Beau said.

Plus, it is in a way personal. I mean when a straight guy says he's got a girlfriend or wife, you can be pretty damn sure when you look at him that he's sucked her nipples, played with her boobies, and shoved his hard cock up her cunt until he's cum. That's pretty personal--and you know that about him just by him saying he has a girlfriend.

So how is it any "more personal" for you being gay?

It's not. You're just not comfortable with them knowing it (or picturing it).

(And the "black" example is pretty apt. Closeted guys think they're pretty good actors (acting straight) but obviously people have figured it out from your actions. So you must look/seem gay, just as a black person looks black.)

Good luck. Love yourself.