Mirage
The JUB Illusion
Almost my whole life I thought that I was hetrosexual. I was only attracted to girls and in no thinkable way I was interested in boys. It even grossed me out when I was showering between all my male classmates. Even in the shower when I went swimming where we didn't saw eachother completely nude.
But there was some sort of turningpoint in my life. There was one particular guy, a teacher at school more than 9 years ago, who made me feel very strange when I was near him. A feeling I've never had before. I couldn't focus on anything except on him. He made my world turn round at that time without having any sexual feelings for him. Meanwhile I dated girls and had a lot great times with them.
Five years later, after being two years from that school, I saw him again. The same feeling came up again but this time I felt more, I felt love. I wanted to share my life with him. Although I didn't want to be bottomed by him or wanted to top him. To bad I've never seen him since that day.
Meanwile I dated some girls and I even had a relationship of one year. She made out with me because I was afraid to get too close with her. The same thing happened with all my other relationships. Something stops me of letting people into my heart, even when I deeply wanted to. I even shared two times the same connection, what I've had to my former teacher, with two girls.
Since a year ago I sensed that I looked more at men. Not only of what they wear, but also the looks. After comparing guys I thought that I could be bi. I went looking for gay porn and after a while I was beginning to like it. (When I watched straight porn I sometimes loved to focus more on the guy than the girl.)
Even with these evidence I couldn't confess myself of being bi or gay. So half a year later I made my first step of being with a man. Even without being not a virgin anymore I was still very tensed. It was getting even worse when I walked into a gay sauna. All these men were staring at me with the 'What are you doing here?' kind of look.
I walked around a little bit to explore the whole facility and all that I could see were all those eyes staring at me. There were even guys following me. I sat down to take a breath and made my move into the jacuzzi. It took about 3 minutes or less when the first guy was beginning to touch me. For me this felt weird so I pulled all the attention away.
After this adventure I moved to the bar where I met the new love of my life. We talked for a while and we moved out together. Durring the bed scene something came up in my head. It made me realize something and that I had to move out quickly. I stood up, said a quick goodbye and left a man broken and confused behind me. Later on I still regret what I've done. I should have stayed and should at least change information with him to get in contact with him again.
On my way home I thought about what I did there and what realy happened. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. The day after I made a decision; I'm bi!
But there was some sort of turningpoint in my life. There was one particular guy, a teacher at school more than 9 years ago, who made me feel very strange when I was near him. A feeling I've never had before. I couldn't focus on anything except on him. He made my world turn round at that time without having any sexual feelings for him. Meanwhile I dated girls and had a lot great times with them.
Five years later, after being two years from that school, I saw him again. The same feeling came up again but this time I felt more, I felt love. I wanted to share my life with him. Although I didn't want to be bottomed by him or wanted to top him. To bad I've never seen him since that day.
Meanwile I dated some girls and I even had a relationship of one year. She made out with me because I was afraid to get too close with her. The same thing happened with all my other relationships. Something stops me of letting people into my heart, even when I deeply wanted to. I even shared two times the same connection, what I've had to my former teacher, with two girls.
Since a year ago I sensed that I looked more at men. Not only of what they wear, but also the looks. After comparing guys I thought that I could be bi. I went looking for gay porn and after a while I was beginning to like it. (When I watched straight porn I sometimes loved to focus more on the guy than the girl.)
Even with these evidence I couldn't confess myself of being bi or gay. So half a year later I made my first step of being with a man. Even without being not a virgin anymore I was still very tensed. It was getting even worse when I walked into a gay sauna. All these men were staring at me with the 'What are you doing here?' kind of look.
I walked around a little bit to explore the whole facility and all that I could see were all those eyes staring at me. There were even guys following me. I sat down to take a breath and made my move into the jacuzzi. It took about 3 minutes or less when the first guy was beginning to touch me. For me this felt weird so I pulled all the attention away.
After this adventure I moved to the bar where I met the new love of my life. We talked for a while and we moved out together. Durring the bed scene something came up in my head. It made me realize something and that I had to move out quickly. I stood up, said a quick goodbye and left a man broken and confused behind me. Later on I still regret what I've done. I should have stayed and should at least change information with him to get in contact with him again.
On my way home I thought about what I did there and what realy happened. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. The day after I made a decision; I'm bi!