My Situation

[Rookie047]

So, last night I could not sleep because I kept thinking about this situation, so, I read a lot of other threads and you all seem very nice and caring, so, I feel like I should share. It will feel good to get it out. Here is this.. situation I am in and the history surrounding it. (Sorry it might be long)

In 9th grade (I am no graduated) I met a guy named, well we will call him "S". He was an amazing guy. He just got me. I had absolutely no idea if he was gay or not, but I always wished he was. After a while, I seriously fell for him. I would tell him I wanted to tell him something, but, that it would ruin our friendship. Eventually, one night, he himself said he had to tell me something. He told me he had a crush on me and I was beyond happy. It shocked me that he actually had the guts to tell me without even knowing I was attracted to guys. We began dating.

We dated about two months and it was amazing. He gave me my first kiss which was better that I could have asked for. We were walking on the trails, it was snowing (I LOVE snow) and well, I stopped to look at the view and he stopped to and just gazed in my eyes and went for it. After that finished I stupidly said, "Wow that was my first kiss." How embarassing.

Then towards the end of the relationship he seemed to be, kind of, avoiding me. He eventually broke up with me, and I was very upset, because I had fallen so hard. He told me he just didn't feel right with a guy. (I was shocked because anything we did, he usually initiated, I was never a go getter person in a relationship.) He told me some of the most hurtful things. "Let's pretend it never happened." "I don't ever wanna talk about what happened" "I still love you, though."

Then two days after the break-up, we hung out. Stupid me, I ended up giving him a "hand." Later that night he called and said we shouldn't physically see eachother. I felt so dumb, so worthless. This would have been easy not seeing eachother had he not started dating our BEST friend, "L." So "S", "L", another friend, a girl "N", and me would all hang out. "L" and "S" would go at it like crazy and of course that hurt. Out of spite, which is AWFUL, I told her about myself and "S", because she never knew. (I was still in the closet to the day.) She was semi-upset and he was too, but they got over it. Eventually they break up, and she went lesbian and he was just single.

"S" and I still talked but eventually I told him I needed a break to get over him.

I didn't talk to him for 6 months. When I finally did, he told me he missed me so much and eluded to us going on a date. Unfortunately I got excited about it. When the day came he said "Listen, I don't think it is a good idea, maybe we should just forget that." I was hurt, but I still talked to him.

That situation happened three times again, and stupidly I fell for it each time. I have only told one friend and she says I need to stop, but I don't know, I can't. I truely think he is a great guy, sometimes.

Now to the point of this. A few days ago he went back to the whole I miss you thing. I felt it coming and I kept saying, don't Andrew, don't fall for it. Then he did something he never did before. He apologized about being an ass the whole time. He said he was just not ready for everything and that he had been thinking about us a lot. I was more than happy, I was like, finally, he came to his senses. Then he slammed me into the wall when he said, "My girlfriend doesn't mind what he had did, she asked a lot of questions." Then it all went, all hope of something happening. The way he had spoken, it felt like he had wanted to get back togehter. I felt so stupid again, but then, he says "I really want to see you though, Thanksgiving break, we have to arrange something."

My question is should I? I have a feeling that something stupid will happen and I will just end up getting hurt. He has a girlfriend, but I can just tell he wants to do something. I WANT to see him, but I just have that feeling that I shouldn't. What do you think?

PS: Sorry I wrote so much.

 

[Roland00]

S is one of two things.

The first possibility, but I don't think is the likely one is that he likes pushing your buttons, he likes having a person on a string and being able manipulate them. To control them.

The second possibility is that he is scared/has alot of internalized shame/homophobia. If this is the case it is his problem, he needs to deal with it before he can every have a successful relationship. Nothing you can do can change it, only he can change himself, realize it is himself that has built this prison, and until he lets go of it he will never be happy. Until he deals with his internalized shame he will only hurt other people.

If I were him I would tell him to grow up.

 

[wentworth]

He has a girlfriend. Tell him he needs to come to grips with who he is first of all.
Unless he's willing to explain to you what transpired, then forget about it.

 

[Soilwork]

Games are for little boys.

tell him that you're a full grown man and just don't have the time or patience to hang around and wait for him to make up his mind wether he's going to come out or not.

Tell him that when he's ready to leave the playground and stop being a twerp that you hope he finds a nice guy to be with, but by then you'll have moved on to someone who knows what they want.

then hang up, lose his number and don't bother with him anymore.

You've wasted enough time as it is.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Rookie,

Mate, sadly for you, you are not the issue here - he is. It really does sound like he is struggling to accept himself and for some people that takes a hell of a long time. You seem a lot stronger and ready for this than he is...and thats something to be proud of.

Because he is the first guy that has accepted you for who you are he has a special place in your heart... I know the first guy that did that for me still does and always will. But that doesnt make him the right guy for you...and really I think at this point you know that. He has the power to hurt you simply because you are ready and he is not. I dont think it would be deliberate on his part...he probably doesnt realise just how much effect he does have on you...hes struggling with himself right now.

To me you have 2 options. If you feel strong enough, be there as a mate for this guy without anything more because chances are one day hes gonna need you to help him deal with his own issues...that would be an amazing thing to do but you have to be strong...and understand that to protect yourself you need boundries on what you feel.

The other is to walk away. Its gonna hurt. He will always be special to you and thats OK. In 20 years he will still be special. But if you dont feel like you can be around this guy without wanting more until he is ready (and who knows whne that could be)...walk away. That'll take strength too but the first guy isnt always the right guy. Value and learn from what you had...but move one. Life will throw up the next amazing guy and who knows...he really may be the one who values and cares for you because of you...you deserve that at least.

Its your call mate...be strong...and let us know how you got on or if there is more we can do....

 

[lonnie1]

Tell him to come talk to you after a month or two. See if he still feels the same and just using you or has he really changed.

 

[Riverrick]

He makes you less of a person, not more. He makes you nervous and insecure, not happy and confident. He makes you feel unloved, not loved and special.

He's hurting you. I say let him go finally.

 

[Lefty]

dude,
in my world the 3rd time is the charm and the absolute last chance period.
IMO he has far exceeded and proven he is using you when something else isn't available...but, that is IMO. you have to live out your situation.

good fortune friend

 

[Rookie047]

You guys are right. Thank you all for the honesty I truely needed.

I need to talk to him. I need to tell him what he is doing is wrong, that he can't keep doing this to me. I still want to be his friend, but, that is as far as it goes. I need to do this. He has to figure things out and I can't let him make me wait.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

Thank you all again.

 

[Roland00]

Good Luck

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Games are for little boys.

tell him that you're a full grown man and just don't have the time or patience to hang around and wait for him to make up his mind wether he's going to come out or not.

Tell him that when he's ready to leave the playground and stop being a twerp that you hope he finds a nice guy to be with, but by then you'll have moved on to someone who knows what they want.

then hang up, lose his number and don't bother with him anymore.

You've wasted enough time as it is.

Yup. Soil got it right on the dot here.

Your Ex simply lacks any sense of emotional intelligence. His actions are fully self-centered and what makes him such a twerp is a fact that he even does not try to see what consequences his actions may have. He simply does not care, if anyone gets hurt. He is marching to his own drums and the trail of emotional casualties, he leaves behind him is of little importance to him.

Tell him: 'Dude, you are history. I used to like you. But you did nothing to earn my love. So, I am moving on.'

And, do so.

SC

 

[taiger65]

If I were in your position, I wouldn't be able to ever trust him again, and I would let him know that. Next time he wants to do something, you already know the answer. You gotta say no, and tell him that you're not going to put yourself out there for him to just squash you like a bug.

I don't think he really understands how you're feeling. He really can't understand if he's the one that's always rejecting you. It's his turn to hear the word "no" because frankly, he doesn't deserve you. I agree with lonnie1. Tell him to call you back in a couple months. That will give him the message that you can't waste anymore time playing his game, it will give him the time to think about how you feel, and it'll give him time to really come to terms with what he feels.

 

[Rookie047]

Well, I am bad at going with what I wanna do.

We talked and it was a short talk. I asked him exactly why he wanted us to meet up during break. He said, just so I can see you and he asked why.. and I was ready to tell him that we couldn't but, I couldn't. I told him I was just wondering and changed the subject.

I feel so weak. Why couldn't I just say it to him? I guess I'll try next time.

 

[Riverrick]

Well, I am bad at going with what I wanna do.

We talked and it was a short talk. I asked him exactly why he wanted us to meet up during break. He said, just so I can see you and he asked why.. and I was ready to tell him that we couldn't but, I couldn't. I told him I was just wondering and changed the subject.

I feel so weak. Why couldn't I just say it to him? I guess I'll try next time.

Don't worry about it. It may take a few attempts to do it right.

Besides, I think you really hate to lose him despite all the drama.

 

[tallguy297]

Its not about weakness rookie...its about respect. Both for him and for yourself. You feel that way because he means something to you (and you sound like a person with high morals and values - a great thing and something to be proud of!!!!) despite all the crud hes put you through...like i said before...he probably always will.

But its also about respecting yourself. You've made the decision that hes not respecting you (the right one I think for my 2 cents). Whether or not you tell him that probably doesnt matter in the short term as long as you hold true to protecting and respecting yourself. Soon enough your honesty and courage that got you to come this far will let you finish the journey. For now be true to yourself and feel proud for having the strength to make the decision you did.

Good luck mate!

 

[spreadeagle]

He's prepared to cheat on his girlfriend to be with you; and he's prepared to cheat on you to be with a girlfriend. He has demonstrated this behaviour pattern repeatedly since you've known him. This is not a person you could ever anticipate having a committed relationship with.

Be realistic; make a check-list of your ideal relationship and se how many of the required qualities this guy has.

 

[confusedboy23]

Sorry I should have read this thread sooner and responded earlier. I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in right now and I can only imagine the hurt and the utter confusion you must going through right now.

Letting go of someone is never easy, and I don't think you will ever forget someone completely. I've been in a similar situation recently, and it took me months to get myself together and even now, I have not completely let go of him. I broke off communication with him to recompose myself and that helped a little, it made think of things differently and helped see things clearer. I was only prepared to see him again when I felt that I was ready to not 'crave' for him at least, not as much as before.

I guess the important thing here is you. Do you want him as a friend or do you want him as a boyfriend? I can't tell you to give up on him because that is something only you can decide but if he has in the past hurt you and as Riverrick has said, made you less of a person, then you have to decide whether or not he is worth another chance. On the other hand, if you are ready to see him as nothing more than a friend, then maybe seeing him again is not such a bad idea afterall. You have to look after yourself, and not allow your feelings to be played with and just be honest with him about what and how you feel.

Good luck.

 

[Roland00]

Well, I am bad at going with what I wanna do.

We talked and it was a short talk. I asked him exactly why he wanted us to meet up during break. He said, just so I can see you and he asked why.. and I was ready to tell him that we couldn't but, I couldn't. I told him I was just wondering and changed the subject.

I feel so weak. Why couldn't I just say it to him? I guess I'll try next time.

Its okay You just delayed the inevitable though. Practice what your going to say before hand, and when its time just spit it out.

 

[Rookie047]

Sorry to bring this all up again, but, it happened again, I guess.

I didn't talk to him again during Thanksgiving break but I knew he'd be back during Christmas break. We talked a few times, and it was perfectly fine. He would tell me about his girlfriend and whatnot. I would tell him about my dates I had (all awful by the way). He said we should hang out and, I just blew it off saying no, I have other plans.

Then came the time when he said we really need to see eachother, I miss you so much. I tried not to let myself fall for it, but, I did. We planned to see eachother on a Friday. I tried not to get too excited, but, I did. I even shaved (lol, if you knew me, you'd understand why that is a big thing.) After such awful dates, I wanted to just see him and have a good time. Thursday comes and he says "We need to reschedule, I'm hanging out with other friends on Friday." I was a little hurt, but blew it off and said "sure, saturday will be fine."

Saturday comes and I don't hear from him 'til 730 P.M., so he can cancel. I just knew it. He asked if I was mad and I said no. I am just so disappointed in myself. We talked one time since then when he told me he still missed me. I was just so, ugh, disgusted. He didn't even try to reschedule.

Sorry, I just felt the need to talk about it. We haven't talked since then, and that was a week ago. I just want to let go. It's just that I have a hard time telling people things.

 

[backpacker]

He sounds like a guy struggling with his orientation. Next time he calls, I would ask him why he wants to see you and why he keeps cancelling. Don't take any lame excuses. He either needs to get real with you or I would drop him.