I can't give you any advice but I would suggest you look for it at a more qualified area. There are LGBT centers in many towns and they all I'm sure have people trained to deal with issues between parents and kids. I also think you should take your number off.
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My son just told me he is gay
- Thread starter DavidNY
- Start date
Well, that good news is that it isn't too late to fix things. I agree that you shouldn't post your number. But basically, it's going to take some time for you to adjust. It's takes a long time to adjust and yet we have the feelings. Ultimately, you need to realize that your son is no different today than he was before he told you. He's the same person he always was.... and he's always been gay, it's just that you didn't know about it.
First off, you need to apologize. Then you need to start working through your homophobic feelings.... where do they come from? Most of it comes from societal of family teachings. But what you think of homosexuality isn't necessarily what it is. I find that most people who have issues with it, tend to think of it solely in terms of sex. Yet those same people don't immediately think of the bedroom when they see a straight couple... so why is it different with us?
I would agree that PFLAG has some great resources. Counseling may be needed for you if you can't come to terms with things on your own. Just know that it was REALLY hard for your son to tell you this b/c of his fear of rejection.... and that fear came true. And you need to rectify that as soon as possible... if he doesn't want to talk, tell him that's fine, then you'll do the talking and he can just listen. It's going to take some time... for both of you. But don't for a second think that anything is ever going to change the fact that he's gay.
And of all the gay sites to stumble upon online, this is one of the best. Good luck and let us know how things go.
First off, you need to apologize. Then you need to start working through your homophobic feelings.... where do they come from? Most of it comes from societal of family teachings. But what you think of homosexuality isn't necessarily what it is. I find that most people who have issues with it, tend to think of it solely in terms of sex. Yet those same people don't immediately think of the bedroom when they see a straight couple... so why is it different with us?
I would agree that PFLAG has some great resources. Counseling may be needed for you if you can't come to terms with things on your own. Just know that it was REALLY hard for your son to tell you this b/c of his fear of rejection.... and that fear came true. And you need to rectify that as soon as possible... if he doesn't want to talk, tell him that's fine, then you'll do the talking and he can just listen. It's going to take some time... for both of you. But don't for a second think that anything is ever going to change the fact that he's gay.
And of all the gay sites to stumble upon online, this is one of the best. Good luck and let us know how things go.
B
BrandonSBCA
Guest
I'd basically apologize to him. Try to understand his feelings, because right now I'm pretty sure he's feeling really depressed about the situation. Its not easy being accepted for what you have no control over.
mega
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trawler69
Extreme Muppet
First, Mod please remove the number.
Second, can you possibly imagine the courage it took your son to admit he is Gay to you? Can you imagine the torment he has been going through thinking about what you reaction might be. How do you think he feels now after you have made his worst fears come true?
It is one of the hardest things a young man can go through, coming out to his parents. The fear of rejection, the wanting to be honest and be themselves. Just read some of the mental torment people on these forums are going through, or have gone through. Then think is it any wonder he doesn't want to talk to you.
Just mentally put yourself in his position. You've found that despite everything that has been preached at you, your feelings contradict it, you want to explain yourself. You spend years trying to come to terms with it or fight it. Finally you have to accept who you are and need support from those you love. You summon up the courage to tell them and they reject you, hit you.
It's no wonder both he and your wife don't want to know you right now. She is his mother and a mother's love trancends societies expectations and norms, and so should a fathers.
You need to think about this and find a way to appologise and build bridges. Do you really want to throw away all that you have built up as a family just because your son had the courage to tell you that he is Gay?
Think on it. I'm expressing an opinion based on my and others experiences.
Please sort it out for all of your sakes.
Second, can you possibly imagine the courage it took your son to admit he is Gay to you? Can you imagine the torment he has been going through thinking about what you reaction might be. How do you think he feels now after you have made his worst fears come true?
It is one of the hardest things a young man can go through, coming out to his parents. The fear of rejection, the wanting to be honest and be themselves. Just read some of the mental torment people on these forums are going through, or have gone through. Then think is it any wonder he doesn't want to talk to you.
Just mentally put yourself in his position. You've found that despite everything that has been preached at you, your feelings contradict it, you want to explain yourself. You spend years trying to come to terms with it or fight it. Finally you have to accept who you are and need support from those you love. You summon up the courage to tell them and they reject you, hit you.
It's no wonder both he and your wife don't want to know you right now. She is his mother and a mother's love trancends societies expectations and norms, and so should a fathers.
You need to think about this and find a way to appologise and build bridges. Do you really want to throw away all that you have built up as a family just because your son had the courage to tell you that he is Gay?
Think on it. I'm expressing an opinion based on my and others experiences.
Please sort it out for all of your sakes.
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
There's one reason why homosexuality should be accepted. We don't have a choice. We didn't choose to be gay, it just happened to us. With me, I just realised a few years ago. Being eighteen, I haven't known for that long. Puberty found my mind wandering, and it just wanders to different things than a straight guy's.
It doesn't affect your life. Camp people and gay people aren't as linked as most people think; a couple of my best friends act very camp, yet straight. One of them is even engaged. My longest friend (I've known him for 2/3rds of my life), who tends to be fairly perceptive, didn't notice I was gay. Only clue was I didn't date girls, but then I didn't date guys either.
You clearly hit him because you were angry. What exactly makes you angry about it? After all, it's his future that will be affected by this. Anger at him will only make his situation more difficult.
Some parents are worried that it will reflect badly on them; you've just got to remember that as a married couple, your child is the most important person in your life. True friends will not care that you have a gay son, and anyone else who would think the worst of you for such a petty reason are so small minded that you don't need them.
It's clear that you regret what you did, as would I in your situation. I would leave him a note somewhere he'll be at some point while he isn't there, explaining just how sorry you are, and ask him what you could do to make up for it. The note will need a lot more than that, of course, but that's for you to do. Handwrite it. A typed message seems so fake.
Keep in mind that this is such a difficult time for him. I know what he's going through, because I've been trying to come out to my family recently, and it's extremely difficult. Few gay people feel shame, but a lot of them are terrified that something bad will happen when they come out. Sadly for your son, something did.
I'm not sure he'll ever respect you as much as he did. It takes a lot of respect and courage to come out to you, and you've put a dent in that. You can iron out the creases, but it won't be perfect. You really will have to put in the effort to support him in every way, if you want forgiveness.
I can't give you any more advice than this. A LGBT councillor can, though. DavidNY's right, they're the people you should be asking.
It doesn't affect your life. Camp people and gay people aren't as linked as most people think; a couple of my best friends act very camp, yet straight. One of them is even engaged. My longest friend (I've known him for 2/3rds of my life), who tends to be fairly perceptive, didn't notice I was gay. Only clue was I didn't date girls, but then I didn't date guys either.
You clearly hit him because you were angry. What exactly makes you angry about it? After all, it's his future that will be affected by this. Anger at him will only make his situation more difficult.
Some parents are worried that it will reflect badly on them; you've just got to remember that as a married couple, your child is the most important person in your life. True friends will not care that you have a gay son, and anyone else who would think the worst of you for such a petty reason are so small minded that you don't need them.
It's clear that you regret what you did, as would I in your situation. I would leave him a note somewhere he'll be at some point while he isn't there, explaining just how sorry you are, and ask him what you could do to make up for it. The note will need a lot more than that, of course, but that's for you to do. Handwrite it. A typed message seems so fake.
Keep in mind that this is such a difficult time for him. I know what he's going through, because I've been trying to come out to my family recently, and it's extremely difficult. Few gay people feel shame, but a lot of them are terrified that something bad will happen when they come out. Sadly for your son, something did.
I'm not sure he'll ever respect you as much as he did. It takes a lot of respect and courage to come out to you, and you've put a dent in that. You can iron out the creases, but it won't be perfect. You really will have to put in the effort to support him in every way, if you want forgiveness.
I can't give you any more advice than this. A LGBT councillor can, though. DavidNY's right, they're the people you should be asking.
Evsann
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Yeah, I'd have to say that you should apologize first. Then, shut up and let him speak, without interjecting. Forgive my boldness but having dealt with violent family members, I doubt that he hates you. If your first reaction to this was anger and violence I am sure that you have displayed this to him in one way or another in the past. As much as he is hurt, he is probably not shocked. That is a much bigger problem in your relationship than you accepting what you have no control over. I say get over his gayness like you do the other 100 things in this world that you do not like every day. Then address what in God's name would make you hit your son over somthing like this.
Your son scrapes up the courage to tell you he's gay and you punch him in the face and throw him out. He's YOUR CHILD!!! YOUR SON!!! You have no idea how hard it is to say the words "I'm gay" to your family, especially your parents. There are some kids who would rather commit suicide than come out. To say you reacted poorly is an understatement.
To tell you to go apologize wouldn't be enough. You need to beg for forgiveness. And mean it. You don't have to like the fact that he's gay. You don't have to think it's right. But he's your child, and you should love him unconditionally.
To tell you to go apologize wouldn't be enough. You need to beg for forgiveness. And mean it. You don't have to like the fact that he's gay. You don't have to think it's right. But he's your child, and you should love him unconditionally.
trawler69
Extreme Muppet
I'm sorry I was a bit harsh to you in my first reply to your post, I was reacting much as your son might. I was putting myself in his shoes.
On the positive side, at least you have have made an effort to understand by coming to this site, and I admire you for that. Perhaps you could suggest that your son comes here as well. It would demonstrate that you care enough to seek advice and would also be a form of appology by letting him read your thoughts.
I know that would be a hard thing to do for you but if I was in his situation I know I would appreciate it.
On the positive side, at least you have have made an effort to understand by coming to this site, and I admire you for that. Perhaps you could suggest that your son comes here as well. It would demonstrate that you care enough to seek advice and would also be a form of appology by letting him read your thoughts.
I know that would be a hard thing to do for you but if I was in his situation I know I would appreciate it.
crlcxll
Porn Star
Something is not right here. If you are so against homosexuality, how did you locate this site? Why would you even know anything about a site such as this? If you are too old, as you say, to use email, then how could you come to use this site and post?
This post is extremely disturbing to me on many levels. Somehow, I believe that this is a fake post. It does not add up. If I am wrong, I apologise profusely.
This post is extremely disturbing to me on many levels. Somehow, I believe that this is a fake post. It does not add up. If I am wrong, I apologise profusely.
I removed the phone # from the original post (tho' it appears an Admin was doing so at the same time as me) because leaving it there would mean you could be subject to all sorts of advertising (or worse, prank or crank) calls.
If you wish to communicate directly (and privately) you can use our PM (Private Message) system. Just click on a poster's name and you will see an option you can click to do so. If you should wish to reveal your phone # or other details to someone you can then do so without it being available to anyone who looks here (or any of the web "spiders" that harvest these sort of details for commercial purposes).
I commend you for your courage in coming here to obtain help - and for anyone who is sceptical I say "give him the benefit of the doubt and respond accordingly".
The PFLAG suggestion is a great one - and in case you are unfamiliar with the acronyms used here:
PFLAG = Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and gays (the website link in Mega's post #5 will take you to their website).
LGBT = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgendered.
Good luck!
If you wish to communicate directly (and privately) you can use our PM (Private Message) system. Just click on a poster's name and you will see an option you can click to do so. If you should wish to reveal your phone # or other details to someone you can then do so without it being available to anyone who looks here (or any of the web "spiders" that harvest these sort of details for commercial purposes).
I commend you for your courage in coming here to obtain help - and for anyone who is sceptical I say "give him the benefit of the doubt and respond accordingly".
The PFLAG suggestion is a great one - and in case you are unfamiliar with the acronyms used here:
PFLAG = Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and gays (the website link in Mega's post #5 will take you to their website).
LGBT = Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgendered.
Good luck!
Evsann
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Yeah, my first reaction was "troll post" Especially when he said that his wife left him.
No one with kids can cut and run that easily. Especially when, like I said before, most likely anyone who could react like that more than likely has done it in the past.
I just figured that it was best to err on the side of caution.
No one with kids can cut and run that easily. Especially when, like I said before, most likely anyone who could react like that more than likely has done it in the past.
I just figured that it was best to err on the side of caution.
trawler69
Extreme Muppet
Thanks for that. Thinking about it you are right. I can't remember but did we have to give an email address to join the site? I think a reply from the orriginal poster is in order so we don't waste our time and thoughts on this.
Guys - this may be genuine...(he could be doing this with the assistance of a friend, for instance).
Even if it "might" be some sort of a prank, don't you think it better to give this the "benefit of the doubt" and try to display the sort of helpful community spirit that we usually see here and give some sensible answers?
If it is some sort of weird prank - well, I really think the fact that we provide constructive and helpful advice would mean the "joke" actually winds up being on the prankster themself as we display that we rise above that sort of thing.
Even if it "might" be some sort of a prank, don't you think it better to give this the "benefit of the doubt" and try to display the sort of helpful community spirit that we usually see here and give some sensible answers?
If it is some sort of weird prank - well, I really think the fact that we provide constructive and helpful advice would mean the "joke" actually winds up being on the prankster themself as we display that we rise above that sort of thing.
KentuckyPython
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You might try not hitting him to start off. Then talk with him. Contact one of the groups like PFLAG (www.pflag.org).
If he's your son, treat him like it. Show him that you're trying to understand. I'd bet he's having a lot of problems himself. And this isn't a "hate the sin love the sinner" scenario either.
If he's your son, treat him like it. Show him that you're trying to understand. I'd bet he's having a lot of problems himself. And this isn't a "hate the sin love the sinner" scenario either.
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
Erm, well I assume he found it the same way I did. Looked for something like gay forums? If he was looking for some anonymous gay people to ask for advice... That was how I found it, and hundreds of people here will have done because the best part of this site, imo, is the supportiveness of its members.
And I think with the email thing, desperate times call for desperate measures. He probably doesn't like using it but would have one in case it came up.
Of course, you could be right. I'm just offering what seem to me like feasible possibilities.
I just now checked Stumpbobby's profile, and see that he joined jub today. No other data revealed on his page.
I am so impressed with the caring and appropriate responses from each of you to this father. I wish I could feel more compassion for him, but it is difficult, in light of his behavior toward his son. Sir, any problem is compounded when we use in our defense the words, "I have always been against....." One is unwise to pass judgment on something he does not understand. It will be well worth your effort to reevaluate your attitude, and particularly this sad betrayal of your son.
I am so impressed with the caring and appropriate responses from each of you to this father. I wish I could feel more compassion for him, but it is difficult, in light of his behavior toward his son. Sir, any problem is compounded when we use in our defense the words, "I have always been against....." One is unwise to pass judgment on something he does not understand. It will be well worth your effort to reevaluate your attitude, and particularly this sad betrayal of your son.
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I agree with everyone, apologise first, and then invite him to sit down with his mother as well and talk it through.
You need to tell him that even though you punched him, you feel like shit doing so, otherwise you wouldn't have wound up here looking for suggestions.
You want to ask him to tell you about the things that he feels inside, about the way he felt before telling you, and what he feel now, and for the future.
Above all, tell him you want to resolve this matter, and no matter what, he is your son and all the years you've spent do mean something to you.
Your wife too needs to be in on this, as she may be as shocked as you are about it all. Hopefully, patching it up with your son may help to patch it up with your wife.
When you're alone with him, tell him about JUB, if he's over 18. Tell him there is support out there if he needs it, and you want to be an active part of his life too. Remember, it has taken a lot of courage for him to tell you, and that he did meant that he loved and cared enough for you to accept him as he is. I guess he already knew from the outset what your feelings were, but the punch may have stunned him into a shell too. Try and find some neutral ground where you can talk about it, away from neighbours, or the place you punched him. Go to somewhere public, but relatively spacious like a park and talk about it. The three of you going for a walk there would not seem out of place, and being fairly public, he may feel that that would lend him some feeling of discreetness if your mood changes, and there is at least somewhere to run from you. Maybe fresh air will help too, to clear your minds.
Good luck.
You need to tell him that even though you punched him, you feel like shit doing so, otherwise you wouldn't have wound up here looking for suggestions.
You want to ask him to tell you about the things that he feels inside, about the way he felt before telling you, and what he feel now, and for the future.
Above all, tell him you want to resolve this matter, and no matter what, he is your son and all the years you've spent do mean something to you.
Your wife too needs to be in on this, as she may be as shocked as you are about it all. Hopefully, patching it up with your son may help to patch it up with your wife.
When you're alone with him, tell him about JUB, if he's over 18. Tell him there is support out there if he needs it, and you want to be an active part of his life too. Remember, it has taken a lot of courage for him to tell you, and that he did meant that he loved and cared enough for you to accept him as he is. I guess he already knew from the outset what your feelings were, but the punch may have stunned him into a shell too. Try and find some neutral ground where you can talk about it, away from neighbours, or the place you punched him. Go to somewhere public, but relatively spacious like a park and talk about it. The three of you going for a walk there would not seem out of place, and being fairly public, he may feel that that would lend him some feeling of discreetness if your mood changes, and there is at least somewhere to run from you. Maybe fresh air will help too, to clear your minds.
Good luck.
S
Soilwork
Guest
"Son, I'm sorry. I really, truely am.
I hope you can understand that you coming out to me was a shock, and I had a horrible and unforgiveable reaction.
I hope that you can find it somewhere inside you to forgive me one day, but until then, I want you to understand that I really do love you and I want you to be happy. I want what's best for you.
I also understand how hard it was for you to get up thr courage to tell me, even after hearing me badmouth you for your whole life, not even knowing that I was talking ill of my own son.
I know that my fist hurt you, but I also know that words can hurt even more, and I guess I've been hitting you your whole life. Again, I hope that you can find it in your self to forgive me for that too.
Even Cher had an un-Cher-like reaction when her daughter came out, so I guess Im in good company.
What would make me happy would be for the two of us to both continue this journey together... you coming out and learning to accept yourself, and me coming out as the father of a gay man and learn to understand.
What do you say we find a PFLAG group in our area and go to a couple meetings together?"
Then hug hiim and tell him how much you love him.
And never hit him (or anyone else) again.
I hope you can understand that you coming out to me was a shock, and I had a horrible and unforgiveable reaction.
I hope that you can find it somewhere inside you to forgive me one day, but until then, I want you to understand that I really do love you and I want you to be happy. I want what's best for you.
I also understand how hard it was for you to get up thr courage to tell me, even after hearing me badmouth you for your whole life, not even knowing that I was talking ill of my own son.
I know that my fist hurt you, but I also know that words can hurt even more, and I guess I've been hitting you your whole life. Again, I hope that you can find it in your self to forgive me for that too.
Even Cher had an un-Cher-like reaction when her daughter came out, so I guess Im in good company.
What would make me happy would be for the two of us to both continue this journey together... you coming out and learning to accept yourself, and me coming out as the father of a gay man and learn to understand.
What do you say we find a PFLAG group in our area and go to a couple meetings together?"
Then hug hiim and tell him how much you love him.
And never hit him (or anyone else) again.
Blueboy369
JUB Addict
The first thing you should do is sit him down and say:
I'm Sorry I hit you.
I promise that I will never hit you again.
You are my son and I Love you.
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to keep this inside.
I will try my best to understand you more.
Please forgive me.
All I want is for you to be safe and happy.
Please tell him about this website. There is so much advice here that I wish I had when I was a teen. This board has become a second home for many of us. Young adults, over eighteen, can learn so much from other peoples experiences. Good luck.
Blueboy369.
I'm Sorry I hit you.
I promise that I will never hit you again.
You are my son and I Love you.
I can't imagine how hard it was for you to keep this inside.
I will try my best to understand you more.
Please forgive me.
All I want is for you to be safe and happy.
Please tell him about this website. There is so much advice here that I wish I had when I was a teen. This board has become a second home for many of us. Young adults, over eighteen, can learn so much from other peoples experiences. Good luck.
Blueboy369.