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my story(ish)

C

chongsta

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Hi all,

I kinda jumped the gun and said "hello" in the n00bie section. i didnt see this section. without repeating myself, this is what i said..

(look for chongsta in the 'hello' section)

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To add to that story,a few years ago I got seriously pissed whilst on a family holiday and me n my mum ended up chatting over about 4 bottles of wine. I had held my feelings back for about 20 years and all of a sudden it just came out and i admitted to her that i was Bi-sexual. She knew anyway! mothers know these things yeah?! but she was so pleased that I had said it. In the morning (with LARGE hangover) she came into my room and gave me a big hug and said how proud she was of me. The thing is i kinda regretted saying it and i told her that what i said last night never happened. Its never been mentioned since and that was 6 years ago.

I admit that I struggle with it all. Im not gay i know that, but certainly Bi 100%. Im fascinated by science and the fact that there is an actual gay gene, which leaves me even more confused lol. Is it turned on in me or not???

An old ex/gf of mine who is now married got in touch totally out of the blue about a year ago. After about 20 mins she just came out with this story that Im more gay than i like to believe!! She knew that i now swing both ways but was adamant that Im gay and that i keep fighting this inner "demon" of mine (im not referring to being gay as a demon!...just my own emotions).

does anyone else have similar problems/feelings? how do you deal with it? I know im not 100% gay but i do find myself looking at more and more gay porn. 10 years ago my harddrive was full of girls, now its quickly filling up with cock lol! Is it because im not getting the real thing as much as i want or am i gay?...but denying myself that i am? I have a high sex-drive, especially when im doing drink n drugs and this is when things go crazy, i get the camera out and go mental, then send the pics to my ex's (which they like btw, im no crazy mentalist!).

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I dunno, I cant work it out to be honest. Only last week when i was DJing I had a girl come upto the DJ console and she asked if i could give a shout-out to this guy (her friend) at the bar as it was his 'coming out' party - and it was genuine. I had total admiration for this bloke that he could do this, he was saying what he was and he didnt care what people thought. Actually not one person even made a gesture or was at all interested in what i had said which makes me think that people really dont care anyway. I guess its all in my head [-X . I dont want to admit or come out coz im not in the right circle of friends, i would be slaughtered for it and i know that i would be the talk of the club for years to come, i cant do that, not now.

Is anyone else going through this, or been through it? How did you deal with it and what was the outcome?

----

Im gonna post some pics lol.

Thanks for reading ;)
Chongsta
 
So you have all this denial and baggage you're carrying around.

Is it somehow making you happier?

You get precious few years on earth to live and love.

What a shame to spend it all hiding away.

So you're bi-sexual. So what. in your line of work, I would have thought it would be a plus.

The first thing you need to address is why you're ashamed and guilty. Particularly since your mother seemed to be so supportive.

Oh. and lay off the binge drinking and drugs. You'll only start to look pitiful as you get older.
 
The first thing you need to address is why you're ashamed and guilty.
Click to expand...

Things happened in my childhood that im sure have affected me. Im both ashamed and certainly guilty! I did what i did and ive spent 20 something years living with it. I've tried to put it behind me but its hard, every now and then 'it' crops up and demolishes me.

If i came out to being Bi with the people im with now, it would throw a spanner in the works big time. I guess if they were real mates then it wouldnt matter and they would accept it, but it aint gonna happen.

So you're bi-sexual. So what. in your line of work, I would have thought it would be a plus.
Click to expand...

Yup it is...mostly. But not at the clubs i work in.

yeah my mum was supportive, i guess we could have another chat about it but its complicated (not me, the family situation), i just cant b00m to the world that i am what i am. I admire those who do come out.....its just not my time yet.

Thanks for your thoughts though ;) and as for the drink n drugs...well, at the moment they help.

C.
 
You're just spending all your time throwing up excuses for why you can't do something.

Why not invest an equal amount of time thinking through all the reasons why you should do something.

As for the rest of it. You seriously need to sit down and work through all your childhood issues with a therapist. because they're making you the man you are. And the man you are doesn't like what he sees when he looks in the mirror.
 
What is so special about these "friends" that you can't find new ones who would be more accepting? And if your mother knew and your female friend knew before you told them... do you really think your friends are that clueless?

I doubt it.
 
Dude, if you're a DJ...if you're DJing at clubs where somebody can have a "coming out" party...where they ask the DJ to give a shout-out to the guy having a coming-out party...

...trust me - they'll be fine with it. :)

Lex
 
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