My story, what's wrong with me?

[Persian89]

English isn't my native language, so bare with me...
I need to let some steam off, and the only way I can do that is through anonymity of the interwebz!

I'm not a weak person even though I might sound like that now...so here we go.

I got a lot of issues... ALOT.
I keep _ALL_ of them inside of me, never showing when I am sad which is a good thing when it comes to my environment.

Coming from a destructive home with a destructive behavior of hurting myself (not what you think, just a lot of piercings!)

Making a long story short.
I left my parents and moved to another city, it's sorta of student city.
It's not like I was treated bad at home, it's just I REALLY don't like my parents, it's a chemistry thing I guess, given the fact that they are major homophobes and restrictive I got the the conclusion that I have to leave them and never come back.
I never told them why, the only reason was, that the computer-science class is better in this city.
They don't know I am gay btw, just my 12 year old brother.

Anyway, I decided not to tell them I am gay too since, I might go back home if I ever need something, like blood or a kidney

So I still got them as a backup if things go FUBAR.

In the new city, school is awesome, the classes and the students are awesome.
I love living on my own. The parties are FUCKING awesome it's great.
I fucked a new guy every day (easier when you live on your own)
Some even let me record (sorta of a fetisch I got!)

So times go by, and I met this guy, we were just gonna have sex....I don't know what happened. I blame it on his god damn smile.

I have never liked the idea of relationships, one I am _NOT_ mature enough for one, or at least thats what I have been told earlier and I thought that before as well.

Anyway... something happened I can't explain it.
We decided to give it a go and for a while it was good.
I was actually nice to this guy which is ODD, even for me. I am so an asshole against most gay guys.
And this one wasn't even my type, he was all fruity listening to extremly gay music and acting sorta.... you know.. REALLY REALLY REALLY*5 GAY.

I'm a metal head, play games, smoke weed, trash stuff, get drunk, vomit in the bushes, program while stoned as fuck and being a complete dick against most queer gay guys.

We are SO not alike, he is a business law student and I'm into computer science.
Same university though.

Anyfuck I was really nice to him, he seemed sorta helpless and It was no sport doing fun of him or being harsh against him... so I guess thats why he liked me and we started dating.
And I kept being nice to him


Anyway...... three months go by and ... he dumped me or... ehm.
Dunno why, I never asked so he comes to my place and says he doesn't feel that he loves me, and I say yeah I feel the same (TOTAL LIE IN SELF DEFENCE)

Anyway I time goes back and I try several stuff to over him
1) Fuck other guys.... I hate them all
2) Getting drunk as fuck and play World of Warcraft (Can't believe I bought the new expansion......)
3)Stoned...
4) Getting some buddies over and trash talk about that asshole that left me.. it made me hate him. IT sorta worked...


I AM so lost.
I don't LIKE anyone else... it's the opposite I HATE EVERYONE.
He was the _ONLY_ one I liked...
Every hookup I had, I start with hating him til he puts his pants on and goes home.

What is wrong with me?
Why can't I like someone else.


My plan is to hate the douché bag and hope that he gets so miserable that he calls me ^_ ^ I know it's a bit flawed but It's my best hope.
I feel bad... I really do, It might not look like that... I don't know whats wrong with me,
He made me this... fucking asshole, burn..

 

[jackry]

men can be assholes. let it be and get a hotter boi and show him off.

 

[sixthson]

I think you got a little taste of love with him and now you are trying to hate him out of your life. It's not working and you are miserable. You are getting a taste of your own medicine, too.

He probably did you a favor because now you have to choose between being angry and bitter toward yourself and the rest of the world or work on your own issues, which are many.

You come down hard on your parents, but you treat others worse than they treated you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the kind of person you described?

Your post was actually very humorous and honest, imo, but it is time to grow up and make right choices. I think you have potential, unless you decide to continue being self destructive.

Good luck.

 

[Horschallen]

Professional counseling might be good for you to give you guidance as you explore yourself, your issues and the world around you. Good luck.

 

[WYSIWYG]

It is too bad you do not like yourself or weren't honest enough with your lover to tell him the truth.

The is no age beginning or ending to ANY relationship. I do not know who told you that shite!

I think you need to figure out who you are first and learn to love yourself before you can have a relationship with another man.

Life is to short to be doing this shite to you or hating others. This world is fucked up enough with hate, and bigotry toward others.

Grow some mate and make things happen for the better for you and others you meet. There is more to life than what your doing now!

 

[Persian89]

Are you guys kidding me?
I love myself so much my right hand has attached itself to my crotch.
Jokes aside.
I don't understand where you get this "love thyself" shite... I AM FUCKING AWESOME, there is no reason not to love myself.
Fuck, even if I started a fire that killed some infants in a hospitals for orphanages I would still love myself.

Where did you get that ?

No seriously, I don't really hatemyself.
I just hate him, it makes me feel better.
And it's not that I hate the other guys I met, it's just I don't like them as much as I like (LIKED LIKED LIKED LIKED!) him. Some of them are even better looking...


I miss him so much that I hate him for doing this to me.

 

[Persian89]

You got it wrong, I tried that for a time.. It doesn't work.
I stop, it's not like I continue with it.
Well, the drinking maybe, but I'm a student, what ya expect.
I did so before the break up too.
And I don't vomit... all the time.

You got it all wrong :'(
This is why I don't do this IRL, I get misunderstood. It all becomes wrong and it makes me look bad and makes things worse.


Feck it, just lock the thread. I'll manage... Paint ball coming up soon. I get to hurt others.

 

[thelaw18489]

Theres nothing wrong with you, it seems like you haven't grown up yet and your still a little inmature, don't worry it's okay for a college student, just don't let yourself get down about this and eventally when your ready you will know

 

[Persian89]

Hate is somewhat easier.
I feel better knowing I hate him so much that I want him to be miserable.
It's hard but I am working on improving my hate.

I don't think you graps how good it feels, I really despise him now.

 

[Fucker29]

I'm sorry but I just can't give a pass at these lil' things you mentioned in the OP.

It's really "funny" to see a gay guy acting as a complete homophobe towards other gays. It's incredibly hypocritical of you to criticize your parents for being homophobes when you're no better at all.
You should think about and analyze why you're a "complete dick" and an asshole to other queer gay guys. I think you haven't fully accepted what and who you are...your parents being homophobic simply enhanced that hatred towards other gays wich, in the end, your anger is directed actually towards yourself...hence your self-destructive behavior. No one who loves themselves have such self-destructive patterns of behavior...you see, self-loving and self-destructive are complete opposites.

You a lot and big fish to fry, my friend...

 

[3nipples]

Maybe you should channel your agression towards some sport.