My story...would appreciate advice and guidance

[lifeout]

I don't exactly know where to start because I have never talked to anyone about this. I am a closeted college student who sees almost know way out of the pain that being gay has caused me. I have never told anyone and I have a lot of very close friends that don't know...I have no gay friends and all the ones I have never clicked that well with. My best friends that I spend most of my time with are straight guys that were my best high school friends. Not being out has allowed me to have an insiders view of what they think and how they might react if any of their friends were to ever be gay. They hardly suspect me and I know they care about me because we have been friends forever on a deeper level than just partying. Part of me feels guilty that I know I am not straight and I am around them during times when guys probably would feel uncomfortable with gay guys around ( like being naked or just doing guy stuff that they don't do around girls). It has also been hard for me that I have fallen in love with two of my best friends over the years and I know they are straight yet I can't help they way I feel. All my feelings are repressed over time and it has been hurtful...I know they are straight...but I feel like coming out would sacrifice the comfort I have found in my niche of a group. I know some gay guys in my college and have been to a gay bar with a bunch of straight college friends and the gay lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Not to generalize too much but I feel like the lifestyle is a lot about partying and sex, its not hard to see that many gay guys are very promiscuous. I am also not as attracted to gay guys (or never have been yet) like I am straight guys...I feel like if I met a gay guy I fell in love with I would be able to come out and be secure enough that it wouldn't matter what other people thought. But I don't know if I could ever fall in love with a guy that was feminine...and i feel like there aren't gay guys out there that want a relationship and have straight qualities (Not to offend femine gay guys, but I am just not attracted to that)...

Is it possible that I only fall in love with straight guys? if this is true I can't bear to have my heart broken over and over again....my best friend doesn't know I love him and the group of girls and guys we hang out with are very close knit and we love that we are all like that to eachother. I feel like me being out would ruin it all...they wouldn't see me the same...i have actually had many conversations with them about whether gay is right or wrong and I can never be like "I know from experience that its just the way it is..." but I think most of them DO believe it is they way we are born...but at the same time they don't have any gay friends so they are still typical guys that say things like "...thats gay" or they will make gay jokes.

For a while I thought about coming out to my parents but I never have been able to...i know it would be super tough on my dad especially and I don't know if he could ever deal with it (the whole religion thing gets my parents wrapped up) ....my mom would be okay after a while because she is very loving and she has said things before that have indicated she can see that gays are born the way they are and that it is not a choice...

All this dealing with my sexuality has caused me to question religion and I can no longer see a "Christian " faith as a good explanation....I believe somehting higher is happening but the lack of a God has led me to be somehwhat depressed and hard to find a reason for being motivated in school and in life....the pain from being in love with a straight best friend has also hurt me in school where I was depressed and had trouble managing day to day life...

any advice, support, relating to my life would be very appreciated..thank you

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

Welcome to CO&R. Lots to address here, so let me jump in with both feet, and see what we can come up with.

It appears you've sort of dug yourself a bit of a hole over the past few years. You've surrounded yourself not only with straight guys (that's fine) but with homophobic ones (not so fine). And since they make up the majority (or totality) of your friend base, you're forcing yourself to put up a false front for them. You can't be yourself. And the only alternative you see is the "twinky", popper-taking sex fiend. You think, "Well, THAT's certainly not for me, so it's back to my old friends."

You say the "gay lifestyle" doesn't appeal to you. This may be surprising to you, but there IS no "gay lifestyle". Your sojourn to a gay nightclub showed you a very small aspect of what some gay guys do. Just as if I went to a strip club and decided "that's how straight guys are". No, that's how SOME straight guys are. Specificaly, the ones that go to strip clubs. And yes, gay guys who go to gay clubs (especially gay guys in college) tend to be promiscuous. That's a trait of many college students in general, and club-goers in particular.

Being gay means one thing, and one thing only. The people you're attracted to are male. That's it. That's all. There is no other requirement. You're not issued a pair of rainbow short-shorts and a Cher CD upon admission.

I dress in T-shirts and jeans...rather sloppily, too.
I never go to clubs.
I have season tickets to a contact sport.
I listen mainly to rock music.
...but me likey the dickey, so I'm gay.
Just like you.

Yes, it's easier to find other gay guys if you're "into the club scene". Just like it's easier to find other straight guys to hang out with if you like football. But that doesn't mean that's the route you have to go.

Being gay hasn't caused you much (if any) pain over the years. Being gay and not being able/willing to tell people that face has. There are several threads of recent vintage here that might speak to you. Noelie's is one. Here's another. There's this fear that your life will end once you come out. But a lot of these stories show that, quite often, when people come out, when they accept who they are, that's when their lives actually begin.

It's hard to judge your friends until they're put to the test. They may decide they don't want to deal with you anymore. In that case, they're not friends - they're guys you hang out with. They may just be saying "that's gay" because nobody's called them on it. Nobody has said, "Hey, I'm gay (or I know someone who's gay), and saying that shit is uncalled for." Maybe your friends will surprise you.

I don't know if you're set to come out. You don't sound ready yet. That's fine. But I'd heartily recommend working on getting ready. Swing by the other forums, read threads, post some more. Get to know some more gay guys here (and IRL). You'll find out we only have that one thing in common. And that should help you feel better about it all.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

It appears you've sort of dug yourself a bit of a hole over the past few years. You've surrounded yourself not only with straight guys (that's fine) but with homophobic ones (not so fine).

You say the "gay lifestyle" doesn't appeal to you. This may be surprising to you, but there IS no "gay lifestyle". Your sojourn to a gay nightclub showed you a very small aspect of what some gay guys do.

^^^ read this carefully

I see that you've been a JUBer for nearly 18 months. Congrats on making a post and reaching a point where you're ready to make some changes.

The sad thing about the closet is that it limits the people you meet and the options that you have. And when you haven't really worked through that first part of coming out- dealing with what you feel and how you feel about yourself- it can jaundice your view of other gay people.

You have a very 1970s view of gay people. Something has happened since then. A lot more people have come out. And there's a lot of different types of gay people out there- and you're going to be surprised how many are just like you.

It's true that the gay community has historically used the bars as a safe place to go and meet other gay people. That's changed a lot in the past 20-30 years, too. There's a lot more (and healthier) options these days.

You didn't offer much about where you live, so it's difficult to give you options on where to go or what to do.

As for your being attracted to straight guys, there's two components to this:

1. Having a crush on a straight guy is a safe way never to have to deal with the possibility they might like you back. It's a great way to avoid having to deal with a real boyfriend relationship. The bad thing is that you end up stuck in a cycle of adolescent crushes and you never learn the skills you need to have a relationship with another person. That and you never get laid.
2. Let's call it what it is: you're not attracted to straight guys. You're attracted to masculinity. The problem is that you've associated masculinity with being straight. There has always been plenty of masculine gay guys- however until recently, they were way in the closet- just like you.

I'm going to agree with Lex that you're probably not ready to move forward with coming out. You have some more work to do on yourself, your self-image and learning more about gay people.

Just don't wait too long. There's a lot of life out there waiting for you to live it.

 

[UC3543]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

There are a lot of very masculine guys who are gay. I'm masculine and so is my boyfriend. No one would have any idea either of us is gay.

I'm a conservative Republican and I go to church every Sunday........so you just nevr know - and I have no intention of changng my political affliation or my religioius convictions.

We don't go to gay bars, we don't cheat on each other, we don't sleep around, we don't do threesomes

 

[silversmith1213]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

Life- Your story is awefully close to mine and I'm sure many others. I'm in college now, had crushes on straight friends since I was young (actually I have one right now), don't like partying/promiscuous/feminine guys, and don't have any gay friends.

It's easy to fall for straight guys when they have what you are looking for in a partner and are more readily available than actually looking for another homosexual. Many of us are in that boat, but just hang in there. I mean, I'm sure we'll all eventually find each other and solve that problem. So many people come onto this board saying they like masculine guys who don't party and want a serious relationship, that there's no reason to think that you can't find someone like that for you.

Here's what I will tell you though. I eventually worked up enough strength (or maybe frustration), to tell a close friend of mine I was gay. I knew he would never judge me, and it was incredibly easy because I've never been attracted to him "that way", and he's just one of those people that is easy to talk to. We talked about me coming out to my parents, and decided against it for a time being. Several months later this feeling swelled up inside of me and I simply had to tell my parents or I would burst. I got so worked up about it that even though things went well, I had a big breakdown after I told them. It was a big mess over something that really ended up not being that difficult. I still have awkward moments, but my parents at least accepted that there isn't anything they can do about it. It's funny, the more people that you tell, the less it seems something to be afraid of or embarrassed about.

As far as friends making gay jokes, don't worry about that man. At our age its what "the guys" seem to joke about. Unfortunately it's something society today finds humorous, but I for one don't believe that they are any worse than redneck, black, Mexican, Asian, or any other kinds of jokes.

Now I still have a long way to go. I'm no more than a couple toes out of the closet and I know what its like to dread telling your friends, especially the ones you have feelings for, but ironically the longer it takes for you to do it the worse it gets. It starts to suck really bad wondering whether or not your friends would accept you for who you are, and I know eventually it will probably be enough to make me spill the beans.

I have sooo many threads of me ranting and raving about my problems its somewhat embarrassing, but I think you could really benefit from seeing what some of the people on this forum had to say. Just look at my profile and click "See threads by user".

Good luck!

 

[rareboy]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

You might also want to bear in mind that the friends you find after you are out are almost infinitely better than the ones you had when you were in the closet.

I met the most fascinating and powerful people after I got my full fledged homo card. I was the one who drifted all my school buds because frankly, I realized they were just a stand-in for real friends that I could share anything and everything with.

 

[JNewYork]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

Your story was my story too when I was in college.

You just don't understand at this time that there ARE very masculine GAY guys out there.

I suggest aligning yourself with a gay organization, gay sports or something, where you will fit in and feel wanted, accepted and supported.

College is a time when the high school friendships tend to drift anyway, so I suggest you start keeping the distance from your high school friends. Don't hang out as much. Be "busy."

Also, the situation with your family will take care of itself over the years.

It's painful and hard, I know. I went though it. But I couldn't be any happier nowadays and my family all know. And I have a MASCULINE and GAY partner.

 

[Tizinsane]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

Yep, I can definitely relate. You're not alone, Life.

 

[gen3ric]

Re: My story...would appreciate advice and guidanc

I'm so glad to have found this thread. It describes the exact point that I'm at in my life, and who I'm always attracted to...haha.

Right now, I'm about ready to saw off the damn closet door, it's getting really hard to keep a secret, but I understand being comfortable with what you have. I'm afraid I'll lose my roommates, friends, and have no one to turn to... even though I KNOW many of my friends will support me. I guess I'm just afraid of change.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that I really appreciate you writing out your story, it's something I have wanted to do but just didn't have the courage to do. All of the responses were extremely helpful, and hopefully I'll be on my way to coming out soon. Good luck, man!