my worst nightmare is happening right now...

[Dashriprock3172]

When they say "I need a to take a breather" it means "I want to start fucking around but will you hand around until I am sure".

Once a cheater...always one.

Count your blessings for the good times you spent with him and move on

 

[tze100]

I don't think you should consider getting together with anyone until you've found out who you are, by yourself, first. If you've spent the ages of 16 to 22 with him you're bound to feel lost right now and unsure of what to do.

Hopefully you've got some friends who you can ask for support, because it's times like these you need them most. You don't have to do this on you're own, try to go out and have a good time without him. It doesn't matter if you don't end up having a good time, just getting out of your room and cutting down on cigarettes will be enough of a bonus.

When you get over him, and know that you can live your life without him, you'll be in a better position to know whether you still want him back or not.

 

[emoboi]

tallguy has definately got it right; there is no right or wrong choice in what you do.
If you still love each other then maybe it's worth fighting for. But only you can decide whether it is or not. It's going to take time to figure it out though, and that amount of time is totally dependent on you, and in no way should you rush any of it. Let your choice come as naturally as possible. If in time you think forgiving him and carrying on the relationship is worth the risk, then go for it.
If in time you don't think you can forgive him, or ever trust him again then it's probably best to end it.
But like tallguy said, there are no right or wrong choices here. If you carry on then chances are the relationship will be different from how it was before. Trust will take a long time to come back, and it may never come back entirely.
Just take your time, try to get back to some sort of daily routine, weigh up the risks and come to a decision in your own time.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Your letter really touched me.
Twenty years ago, I could have written the same things word for word.
We even had projected retirement plans (that far out) the sex was terrific and I felt no one ever loved the way we did.
He was just a compulsive cheater. He really did love me, but couldn't resist that urge some guys just naturally have. I even tried threesomes with him, thinking maybe it's just me and we could keep it together. It resulted in even less self esteem on my part.
I left him still loving him with all my heart and soul. I'll be honest it took years to get over him, but I regained ny self respect and found a decent relationship.
He went through a series of lovers after me and cheated on each of them too.
You need to get him out of your life for you own self-preservation. In any relationship there has to be a balance, you will be subjugating yourself to continue on his terms. In your heart (as much as you love him) you know you can't afford to do that.
You are still young and there are so many great guys out there. Give yourself, rather than him, another chance.

 

[thatboi]

I don't understand this whole thing, I mean, I should hate him right now, I should want nothing to do with him, but I don't.

I find myself wanting him even more, wanting to spend time with him again. I feel so desperate and I don't know why I'm doing it.

When he's here I feel better, I feel like we can go forward. But when he leaves it's like I shut down. I can't function, doing dishes seems like too much work right now. But when he comes over again I feel good and get up and start doing things?

I don't know what all this means, and I do feel ashamed about the way I'm acting but I can't help myself....

Everyone is saying that I need to take time, but take time for what? Like I know what he did and I know that he regrets every second. I never wanted a break he did, and now he wants to come back.

Ugh...I just can't wrap my head around it. Like I know I need some time to think but all I want to do with my time is spend it with him??? WHY!

 

[unclaimedblessing]

You love him and don't want to let go.
That's not hard for any of us to understand.
If he is not willing to make a sincere commitment to mutual fidelity, it is time to move on.
If you were to leave tomorrow, it doesn't mean you'll hurt less in a week. But staying with him and having to know he is still cheating will eat away at your heart and soul.

 

[emoboi]

i agree. You still love him, despite what he's done. You feel better when he's there because it's what you are used to. When he's gone his actions come rushing back.

He may regret everything he did, sometimes it takes the almost losing something to finally realise what you have.

By leaving him you will feel hurt and betrayed. But in time these feelings will change, things get better.
By staying with him you risk getting hurt again. The trust in the relationship has gone. It may come back eventually if you decide to stay with him, it may not. Sadly only time will tell.

There's also nothing to feel ashamed about. You've done nothing wrong here. You're trying to understand something that is near impossible to understand.

 

[Eagle653]

I don't understand this whole thing, I mean, I should hate him right now, I should want nothing to do with him, but I don't.

I find myself wanting him even more, wanting to spend time with him again. I feel so desperate and I don't know why I'm doing it.

You do it because you're in love--there's really no stronger feeling and it's the thing that keeps people together when everyday life would draw two people apart. It's the thing that counter-acts all the "logic" and "cerebral" aspects.

Sure, your logical mind says dump and run. A lot of people here have tried to get you to railroad your relationship. That's because they're not emotionally involved like you are; that's because they can only see this with their "logical" and "cerebral" side--not wholistically like you can because it's you who is living it.

Look, take a deep breath and stand back. Your instincts are telling you to stick it out and try to work it out. Listen to your instincts. After some period of time it will be proven whether or not your instincts were guiding you correctly. If not, you can make a correction.

It seems to me that dumping him seems very unnatural and drastic for you right now. Thus, to do so will leave you with lingering doubts and uncertainties. So, why do it? Where's the urgency? That doesn't make sense to me.

Instead, follow your heart and not your head right now. If your heart keeps getting hurt, then follow your head. If you do this backwards, though, you'll feel miserable for a looooong time and you'll never know if you jumped the gun.

As I said above, it's easy for others to railroad someone else's relationship and we see plenty of examples of that in posts here. Listen to yourself first. It's you that you have to sleep with at night and look in the mirror the next morning.

 

[tallguy297]

Mate,

Its not in your nature to hate is my guess... and thats a good thing! Dont question the need to find negatives about your life - they come along easily enough. The fact that you feel the ability to accept him in any small way is a good thing not a bad.

But you have to understand something TB.

Your happiness ultimately belongs to you. Not him. Not your next partner or the one after that if they happen to come along. And it can be the hardest thing in the world to understand and find and beleive when right now it feels like its someone else who makes you happy.

You owe it to yourself to stand up and regain control of your life. Do the washing, clean the apartment. Move. Get up. Get going. Let normality and self respect come back into your life.

It doesn't mean you don't love him. It doesn't mean you've moved on. It doesn't mean you have or haven't forgiven him. Those are still your choices. Those are still your decisions to make... and like I said I'm sure you'll make the right ones.

But you have to be in a position of stability and strength to make them.

God knows I understand. I give my heart completely and my friends would tell you way too easily. And I hurt way too much. But there comes a time when you know that for you to protect yourself and make good choices then life has to have some sort of balance.

You seem like an incredible sort of guy. One who can love with all his heart, forgive and accept... see the good in others. All beautiful things. But you need to see those things in yourself. You need to see the good you posses. And you need to beleive in your value.

Your life shouldn't revolve around someone else... its yours. Share it, be equals, be lovers and friends. But understand that you have a value too. Dont sell yourself short.

What ever choice you make will be the right one for you. Just don't rush it. He'll be there if hes seriously sorry. You need to heal a little from the kick in the guts you've had. Thats normal. Take as long as you need. Dont feel pressured to make a decision. But regain control. Get your life moving. Get busy and get distracted. Hes one part of your life not all of it.

You'll be ok TB. Believe that. You have the strength to make the right decision whatever that is. Just make a balanced choice based on how you feel with your head as well as your heart.

 

[thatboi]

i guess i'm just scared being alone, im not used to being by myself in this apartment and when i'm alone i start to think about everything and then i just get overwhelmed....i don't want to feel like this. im scared of myself...

everyone is saying to take time and stuff but it's scary for me to be alone i don't like it. i could go and find someone to fill that void but he's really the only one i want...

its like everyday i write a list of things i need to do, and yet i never complete the list. i feel bogged down and can't do anything...i did laundry today but i didn't get out of the house until 7pm...

its like there is nothing i can do to take my mind off things. but when he's here at my place everything seems fine and i feel great...

all he does is apologize and cry and apologize and yet i feel like its not enough...and i don't think that there is anything that he can do that will make me feel better, and thats weird because before he would just rub my back and i'd have not a worry in the world...

im just so sad and hurt and confused....i know only time will heal me but it just seems like it will take a lifetime...

i just wish i had someone here to hug me and console me but im alone and i hate it...

 

[expressmen]

i can understand you totally. the greatest fear in the world is the fear of the unknown. but you also have to look at it in this way, each of us is a person of loneliness. sure we derive happiness from the love of our life. but we need the self element to feel complete. if worst came to worst and things between you dont work out, you have yourself to rely on. he is the best friend and best lover in the world that you can have in your lifetime. cause he will never let you down. pulling happiness out of our own self is very hard. its a lifetime process. but at least, you know where to start. much love my friend. a hug from me and from all of us.

_______________________________________

patric
http://expressmen.blogspot.com

 

[bluedragon4]

I don't understand this whole thing, I mean, I should hate him right now, I should want nothing to do with him, but I don't.

I find myself wanting him even more, wanting to spend time with him again. I feel so desperate and I don't know why I'm doing it.

When he's here I feel better, I feel like we can go forward. But when he leaves it's like I shut down. I can't function, doing dishes seems like too much work right now. But when he comes over again I feel good and get up and start doing things?

I don't know what all this means, and I do feel ashamed about the way I'm acting but I can't help myself....

Everyone is saying that I need to take time, but take time for what? Like I know what he did and I know that he regrets every second. I never wanted a break he did, and now he wants to come back.

Ugh...I just can't wrap my head around it. Like I know I need some time to think but all I want to do with my time is spend it with him??? WHY!

I so get what you are saying. I had a bf like that only he cheated probably 50 times? Anyway, I couldn't do simple chores either. You want him near you cause than you know he's not fucking someone for that moment. But you can't always be with him. I also felt desperate to hold on cause I also had many years invested. He has wounded your self worth and that is the real problem. But you said you were 22 and to be honest I don't believe many 22 year olds can make it work for very long. This is one of those times where age can be the factor. I was pathetic when I was where you are. The whole situation made me into someone else. But that was over 10 years ago. I am a completely different person now with a long history after that bf. Even though I spent more than 7 years with him in my life now it feels like a moment. The only thing that made it significant is I know what i don't want in my life. This to is really just a moment in your life even if it feels dire now. You can move on and you can get over him. I was obsessed with my bf at the time and now I kick myself for being so stupid. It's laughable really cause he was such a loser but in my eyes he was the best thing ever. Love is truly blind. So put some glasses on and see him and the situation for what it is. It is time to not waste anymore time. There is a whole world out there waiting for you.

 

[Jinx]

may i just say that you should really stop saying that he made a mistake? his dick didn't accidentally fall out of his pants. it was an intentional decision that he made of his own free will, and he has to own up to that, and so do you.