Nearly 18 years ago....I cannot get over him.

[Audio Tech]

Why, oh why does the heart have it's own twisted mind. It's been nearly 18 years ago now that I left a solid career because I loved someone. We had a great friendship. He was and still is one of the closest people to my heart. We did a lot of things together, I even cried in his arms many times. He was not shy or introverted at all. Hell, we even enjoyed the occasional nude massage in the hot tub at night. This deep friendship was the best time I ever had in my life. And dear GOD, he was cute!

But in the end, he's straight and I was a deeply closeted, pathetic, and very lonely human being. I was also totally, hopelessly in love with him. In the end, to save myself, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to see him every day. The pain was overwhelming.

The problem is.... I still think of him EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY! As far as I'm concerned, he would be "the one" for me. I just cannot understand why I feel this way. Even 18 years later.
We sometimes meet for lunch and to catch up on life. I had come out to him this year and he just smiled at me in a way that all I really wanted to do is rip his clothes off and fuck him right there... forever.

I am ill.... I know this isn't normal. Why do I still feel this way when my rational mind knows full well that nothing will EVER come of it? He's married with kids, after all.

Sigh..... I have come such a long way.... I have changed so much in my life. I am looking to date, etc. I improve myself, I make more time to just meet people. Yet in the back of my mind, I only want HIM. Is this mental illness? I have no clue. Maybe I need to go to a shrink. I know that many gay men have been down this road, but not for such a long time. I just cannot kill the feelings in my heart. Certain music, or a place.... and it all comes back. In my fantasy, I just want to hold him forever and love him. I cannot think of anyone else. I want to loose myself totally with him. Why can't I stop loving him?? WHY?

I am alone this weekend.... I won't do hookups, as you can guess by now that it would be a totally empty thing for me. Yet I am lonely and wish for nothing more than to have someone to love me. Someone like him. When I'm by myself, it just hurts so much more. I only hope that once I do find someone that can return my love, I can finally put this to rest.

Awww, fuck. How do you deal with it? Sometimes I just want the hurt to stop.

I need a shoulder to cry on.....

 

[TX-Beau]

Hook ups would be the empty thing? Sugar, you’ve had 18 years of nothing at all, hook ups would be a step in the right direction.

If you’ve been pining for the impossible for nearly two decades, you’re doing it to avoid having to put yourself out there and risk real hurt.

This isn’t about him, it’s about you.

 

[Audio Tech]

Hook ups would be the empty thing? Sugar, you’ve had 18 years of nothing at all, hook ups would be a step in the right direction.

If you’ve been pining for the impossible for nearly two decades, you’re doing it to avoid having to put yourself out there and risk real hurt.

This isn’t about him, it’s about you.

If all I have in life is a choice between meaningless random gay sex and none at all, I'd rather have none. I need to love someone to want to fuck them. Sorry.... I guess I'm a failure as a Gay man. So shoot me. I may have felt different in my teens and 20's, but nowadays I want a real connection with someone.

And it IS about me. I know that.

And if you think I haven't been putting myself out there, you are wrong. But I have found out the very hard way that age IS a big factor and yes, it HURTS, a LOT. So I know the feeling. But I can't change that. It is what it is. I just wish I could forget my love for my friend. I really want to.... but something always reminds me of him. It's just another hurt I no longer want.

Anyway.... I'm an idiot for even talking about this here. After all, all you gay dudes are so well adjusted. Must be nice. Maybe I'm just the sensitive type. Oh the horror! I'm a faggot that ACTUALLY desires LOVE. Should I even bother? Or just give me directions to the nearest bridge.

I suppose my life would be a whole lot easier if I had the callous attitude for the hookup and craigslist scene. I just can't see myself doing that. So what the fuck do I have left?
It seems that my whole life, everything has to be the hard way.
Just once, I'd like to get a break. Just one time.

 

[swerve]

Are the standards you hold others to when meeting guys over the last 18 years that they be EXACTLY like your friend...

Or are you willing to love someone that may be EXACTLY the OPPOSITE???

I think it is great to hold a special place for friends that have shared time in your life -- but at some point, as you know, it is unhealthy and obsessive...

Oh -- and you're NOT alone -- there are plenty of here on JUB that will talk about way less important things than what other members are feeling...

So -- thanks for posting -- and I'm sorry that I don't have a magical solution...

I DO think that there are a LOT of guys out there in LA that are also looking for love -- and I HOPE that you meet up with the right one for you soon -- and put the unhealthy obsessions into perspective...

 

[Audio Tech]

I still have memories of guys from 20, 25, even 30 years ago. But they're not painful, just memories without any pain. I don't think you ever forget someone completely. You just get to a point where it doesn't matter any more. I think he was playing with your mind by having nude massages in the hot tub with you when he was straight after all. He should have never taken it that far if he wasn't going to actually have a relationship with you. What a dick. I already dislike him based on that alone. I think you're probably enshrining his good qualities and ignoring his bad qualities. Make up a "rap sheet" on him of all the bad things he did. I'm sure if you dwell on it you can find a lot. Then re-evaluate him using that rap sheet. Finally, write a eulogy to him, and to the relationship you wanted to have with him. Then read that eulogy out loud, with nobody else around, in a place that has significance to you regarding him. You have to be alone to do this, and you have to really feel the pain of losing him and cry about it. Cry it out once and for all. Each time you cry about it, you move forward from it and leave it behind. The pain of letting go of him is intense, but very short-lived, and it is a pain with a purpose. The pain of hanging on to him forever goes on as long as you choose to hang on, and it is a pain with no purpose. Eventually, and maybe only after a couple of crying sessions, you do move on from it, and it starts to get to the point where it no longer matters. Frankly I wouldn't see him any more, and I would not look for "someone just like him." Keep your eyes open for someone new, who you will like and love and be attracted to, who is available and willing to fulfill that type of relationship with you.

You know.... THAT is a good idea. I'll do that. Yes, he could be a real dick. Back then he didn't know I was gay, though. And maybe he WAS curious... he was 21 at the time... but I wasn't about to come out back then either. Whatever.... it's the past.

Well, no... I'm not looking for someone just like him. Sure, it would be a neat fantasy, but really I do know better. I am not cute anymore either..... I am looking for someone that truly loves me back, though.

 

[Audio Tech]

I DO think that there are a LOT of guys out there in LA that are also looking for love -- and I HOPE that you meet up with the right one for you soon -- and put the unhealthy obsessions into perspective...

Well, my experience so far has shown me that there ARE a lot of guys in LA looking for love. For ONE night.

Anything more and they don't even want to talk to you. I have made a few new straight friends, though.

But I try to be optimistic, which IS getting hard to do. I have a prospect, first one in a YEAR. Will see how it goes when we meet.

 

[TX-Beau]

And if you think I haven't been putting myself out there, you are wrong. But I have found out the very hard way that age IS a big factor and yes, it HURTS, a LOT. So I know the feeling. But I can't change that. It is what it is. I just wish I could forget my love for my friend. I really want to.... but something always reminds me of him. It's just another hurt I no longer want.

Anyway.... I'm an idiot for even talking about this here. After all, all you gay dudes are so well adjusted. Must be nice. Maybe I'm just the sensitive type. Oh the horror! I'm a faggot that ACTUALLY desires LOVE. Should I even bother? Or just give me directions to the nearest bridge.

I suppose my life would be a whole lot easier if I had the callous attitude for the hookup and craigslist scene. I just can't see myself doing that. So what the fuck do I have left?
It seems that my whole life, everything has to be the hard way.
Just once, I'd like to get a break. Just one time.

You're making excuses for why it's all about your love for your friend, but it isn't.

It's crap that all gay men are ageist assholes just looking for a quick fuck.

There are plenty of Twinkies looking for daddies - especially in L.A. - where I lived for a decade, and know for a fact that there are a ton of guys there who want what you do; so why are you blaming a stereotype for your lack of ability to move on?

I suspect that you're using this guy as a shield so you don't have to deal with something else.

Think about it.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry you've been in pain for so long. While some of the remarks here may seem harsh I did pick out something that might have some truth to it. This pain has given you something all of this time, but lately not as much. I think some therapy would be useful. Sitting down with a knowlegeble therapist will help sort out the issue(s) and create possible solutions which can lead to a peaceful inner life for you.

The answer to this over bearing fantasy isn't random hook-ups given your feelings on that topic. You might already realize that there are all sorts of gay people with all sorts of belief systems. Plenty of us are monogamous, but each person finds their own path.

There is a saying that sounds stupid at first, but once it's thought about it makes a lot of sense. "If nothing changes, nothing changes." By not changing thoughts and behaviors you have set yourself up for this constant pining. Since you have been unable to solve this on your own you owe it to yourself to seek help.

Keep seeking out gay friendships. If you use images of this friend for masturbatory fantasies replace those images with something else. Things might get worse before they get better due to the fact that this has occupied your mind for all thes years. Be prepared to miss those thoughts at least for awhile. It time it will get better and you'll have all the space you'll need should an available Mr. Right show up. Good luck to you. I hope you feel better getting this off your chest.

 

[Audio Tech]

I'm done. Good bye.

 

[andy12]

Ah crap. I hope this is just a passing feeling... check your inbox.

 

[hotb0d]

I think you should tell him how you feel about him. Let him break your heart when he says No!

Then slowly gather the broken pieces and move on with your life.

 

[Conundrum]

If I were to in this situation, I'll be hoping that he's bisexual and loves me too and we'd have an "underground" relationship going on...though it's not fair towards his other spouse..

I understand that one can be very selfish when one really in need of something/someone. Then again, how fair is it for us?

Hang on there, I hoping you will get better as time goes by hugs!