Need Advice....Coming Out as Bi

[fsasincali126]

To start off, I live with my mom and we have an ok relationship....Not close, but we don't fight.....About 10 years ago she asked me if I was gay or bi and I said no....At that point in time I wasn't sure.....I have had 1 boyfriend and that was about 6 years ago.....I have had several girlfriends over the years....Recently, I came to the conclusion that I am Bi and i'm OK with that.....My mom went out of town this weekend, and for the first time EVER, I had a guy come over to my house last night.....I wasn't expecting my mom to be home until late afternoon....Well, after me and this guy messing around last night, we didn't go to bed until around 5am.....Around 11am, I heard my bedroom door close.....UH OH....Mom was home....and saw the guy laying in my bed next to me....clothes were on the floor and we were both shirtless.....Then she left the house.....Well, the guy went home and my mom called about 30 minutes later and said she was on the way back to the house....She never calls me.....She got home, and we talked about her weekend, and I told her about the BBQ I had last night with some friends....Now, mind you, NOBODY but the few guys I have messed with know that I am Bi and I'm not at the point yet where I want to come out......Nothing was mentioned about the guy in my bed and I think we're both too shy/nervous to bring it up.....So, my question now is, do I bring it up and tell her I am Bi or just pretend it never happened for now???.....This may sound kinda stupid but I want her to know I'm not fully gay and still like women.....

Sorry this is kinda long, but I'm at a complete loss for words or thought....Any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!!

 

[M4P]

Well, since you know your mother saw the two of you in bed me thinks you should have a discussion with your mother. Tell her exactly wha you've told us

Good luck

 

[BiGuy8705]

Wow, think of the replies this thread would have gotten by now if titled "mom walked in on me and a boy in bed naked"

I think she already knew 10 years ago when she asked you the first time... just talk to her about it!!

 

[RicanDAB]

My take is that you have a responsibility to approach her with this. I assume this is her house too? She deserves an explanation as to what's going on, else she will continue to be nervous about what else will go on when she is not here and she of course will not say anything. Don't do this to your mom!

I always say don't come out to anyone until you're ready to accept the reactions of the ones you are telling. This however would be the exception in order to kill the tension about this unspoken matter.

I believe you will be OK. She does not appear to be treating you any differently and if she asked you years ago if you were gay, she must already have some idea.

 

[Kyanimal]

Had this happened to me, given my family's history of keeping everything hidden beneath social perception, vs. Reality, my first inclination would be to let things go, and continue with the illusions of everyone's comfort levels.

However, I've learned, through painful experience, that THAT is not, generally, the best way to go! It only causes "issues" to "fester"!

As difficult as it might seem to be, in the beginning, I would suggest an "in depth", heartfelt, discussion with you Mom! It's time to lay ALL of your cards out on the table! The two of you, your Mom, and You, owe each other at least that much!

Do not let this become an "issue" between you! Nip "It" in the bud while you can! Given what you have told "Us" so far, I'm thinking that your Mom already "knows", and has more Love, and acceptance, for you, than you probably realise!

Relax! Chat! And, enforce those bonds that are so important between You and your Mom! It will be a big relief off your shoulders!

Just trust me on that one!

And ... yeah! ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[nsguy2]

Unless you plan on having her catch you in bed with a woman and you want her to know that you're bi, you're going to have to talk to her.

Good luck.

 

[3nipples]

This must be eating away at your mom right now.

So what are you gonna do? Pretend you don't know she saw you or maintain your self respect?

I know it isn't that easy... but then again, it isn't all that hard either. Good luck

 

[fsasincali126]

Thank you to everyone for your help and suggestions.....I think I will talk to her tonight when she gets home.....This is sooooo FREAKIN' nerve racking, and yes, I wanted to avoid this for as long as possible....lol

 

[screwnutty]

Fsasincali126

Once you have "The Talk" and clear the air so to speak with your mom. You find that things were be alot less stressful. Your 25 years old and nobody is in charge of your life anymore but you. Trust me, this will be one monkey you'll be glad to have off your back!

 

[fsasincali126]

Can I puss out and leave her a letter/note on the counter explaining things???...OMG....my heart has not stopped beating as fast as it can since yesterday.....

 

[RicanDAB]

Can I puss out and leave her a letter/note on the counter explaining things???...OMG....my heart has not stopped beating as fast as it can since yesterday.....

I thought about your question for a second, and my answer is NO. You're 25, you're old enough to stand on your own and take responsibility for yourself and your actions. How do you expect your mom to respect you and treat you as an adult if you don't face her with this? Pretty soon you will be 30, 35 and 40 and still circling the airport on this issue? Not good. Leaving the note only delays the fact that you STILL have to talk to her sometime. Get it over with.

Trust me, once you talk with her, your heart will still be pounding, but it will then be out of relief and it's an incredible liberating feeling!

 

[fsasincali126]

Before I read the post above, I had talked to my mom.....I went out to dinner and had a couple of beers and was in that confidence stage of a buzz.....So, came home, chatted a few, and then said we had to talk about the other day....I told her I was not gay, but felt very strongly I am bi....She, of course, said, that is fine, I will love you no matter what, and that was about it....It was very quick....I feel a little better about it, having it off my chest....but still feel a little ashamed/embarassed...

 

[M4P]

No need to feel ashamed, my friend. Feel fround for having it in you to talk to your mother. It looks like things turned out okay. Thanks for letting us know

 

[vamp]

oh nevermind, problem solved

 

[nsguy2]

Feeling a little embarassed is better than the stress.

Congatulations!

 

[gideon]

I do not want to come off as rude, but I have a question. I am strictly gay and have no problems with bi people. That being said I am wondering, as a bi person do you feel as if you will ultimately end up with a person of the opposite sex and are just experimenting with the same sex? And if that is tge case is it fair to the same sex partners that you have? please do not get me wrong as I am in the same boat just on the opposite of the spectrum. I am finding women atracctive and do not know why. Age, midlife crisis, lonliness, etc.......................

 

[screwnutty]

Feeling a little embarassed is better than the stress.

Congatulations!

Yeah I agree with nsguy2! nobody ever dies from embarassment, where as tons of stress can give you a heartattack!

Congrats on telling your mom. Now don't you feel better knowing that the issue is out and you don't have to hide it anymore?

 

[kayman23]

I do not want to come off as rude, but I have a question. I am strictly gay and have no problems with bi people. That being said I am wondering, as a bi person do you feel as if you will ultimately end up with a person of the opposite sex and are just experimenting with the same sex? And if that is tge case is it fair to the same sex partners that you have? please do not get me wrong as I am in the same boat just on the opposite of the spectrum. I am finding women atracctive and do not know why. Age, midlife crisis, lonliness, etc.......................

Well Gideon, I can only speak for myself. I don't who I'll wind up with if I even settle down with anyone at all. I go through long periods of time when I have zero attraction to men and only attracted to women, and then I go through vice versa. I think if you let the same sex partner you are with know that you are in fact bisexual, it is up to them to accept this or reject this.

About your sudden attraction towards women, I doubt it a midlife crisis. You are too young for one of those. You might be somewhat bi, I can't really determine that without more information from you about this. Like do only a certain type of women turns you on, or just their personality.

But, I don't know why you are still single because I think you are a very good looking man, and folks around your area can't see that they are fools. The tribual tattoo on right arm works for you.

 

[RicanDAB]

Before I read the post above, I had talked to my mom.....I went out to dinner and had a couple of beers and was in that confidence stage of a buzz.....So, came home, chatted a few, and then said we had to talk about the other day....I told her I was not gay, but felt very strongly I am bi....She, of course, said, that is fine, I will love you no matter what, and that was about it....It was very quick....I feel a little better about it, having it off my chest....but still feel a little ashamed/embarassed...

Feeling a little embarassed is better than the stress.

Congatulations!

fsasincali126, that's good to hear ... and nsguy's post summed up my thoughts exactly. This embarrassment too will pass ... just give it time.

I bolded your statement to your mom above because I found it interesting how you put it to her. I used to use the same phrase with people I came out to early on, while deep down inside I knew I was gay. To me, it was almost a way to soften the blow with some straight people from the notion that I was all-the-way gay, and by coming out as bi it was sort of sweetening the bitter pill, almost making them think "Oh, ok he's still one of us in a way." At the same time, those gay guys that I used to tell I was bi were all like "Yeah, OK, you think that now." and it was sort of a turn-off. By the same token, it was hard for me to connect with other bisexual men beyond the sex.

That was several years ago, and starting this year I have started to come out as gay, and I feel I am being more true to myself that way, consistent with my awakening of the fact that I really don't care anymore what people think. Mind you, I still find some women very attractive and even sexually stimulating ... but I realize when it comes down to it what's going to make me happy overall is a man.

I'm not saying this is going to be you .. I'm just recounting what memories were relived with what you said. Also, I don't have anything against bisexuals either; my personal choice is that I would not date one (just like I would not date a straight guy) only because I would want to date someone whose desires are more in line with mine.

 

[Eagle653]

I'm glad you talked with her. I'm sure she has a lot of respect for you. Don't be surprised if she has follow up questions later. Just keep the lines of communication open and you'll have a great relationship with your mother. Just glad everything turned out so well. Congratulations!