Need Advice from Bi Guys in Exclusive Hetero Relationships

[versatileplayer]

Oh, I almost forgot this aspect--consider limiting it to when you are travelling and/or with someone you aren't going to run into a lot. Otherwise you're going to have the potential issue of one partner wanting to have threeways more frequently than the other. You don't want to end up in a situation where one party wants to hang out with the third every weekend and the other individual sees this as interfering with "quality time" or whatever.

This also reduces the likelihood that the third party falls for one or the other of you and sets about trying to destabilize the relationship. It ain't easy being a frequent or permanent third wheel.

Restrictions can only lead to resentment and unhappiness.

 

[versatileplayer]

I am married and bi, I have never told my wife about my bi side or anything I ever did with other guys, I'm pretty certain she wouldn't be impressed. I still fantasise about sex with men but have never acted on it whilst in a relationship with my wife or any ex girlfriends except one. I was with a lovely girl who knew I was bi and about six months into the relationship she started to say that one of her fantasies was to watch two men and then join in. To cut a long story short we had a mmf threesome that was amazing but it planted seeds in her mind that I wanted to be with other guys while with her or that I preferred sex with men to sex with her. It ended our relationship pretty quickly. I have never told any other girls about my sexuality and have always been faithful in my relationships.

I think putting boundaries in place is an important part of this if you are going to proceed but you also need to think about if you could be happy watching him with another man and then go back to enjoying sex with him alone or whether jealousy will creep in and ruin things. You sound like you are really accepting of his bi side which is fantastic but think a lot about what you are going to do.

I wish you luck with whatever you do.

Just my opinion - I could never live that way - it would be like a form of castration or cuckholding - control surely.....

I'm sure I'm opening up my mouth where I shouldn't - but - she doesn't know you entirely - and there is a lack of intimacy from this "secret."

I have no secrets from my partner. Our love for each other transcends sex. It's so much deeper than that - we have a level of intimacy that can only come from completely knowing each other - and that can only come from complete honesty and self expression.

 

[kelseym125]

Thanks to everyone for replying! There are many different perspectives, and being a pretty open-minded person, I really am taking all of them to heart.

One point (reading through the responses) I feel I need to make...and one that has become abundantly clear. There's obviously no "one size fits all" type of relationship. And for those of you who have "open relationships," it sounds like it works well for you. No offense, but I don't think it would work for us. Each of us leans to more of a jealous side (him, too). We've both decided we really don't want to do that, and that's why we're getting married We both have children and like the idea of the "family life"...and marriage.

To that point....when I hear what some of you are saying about restrictions, isn't the sheer act of marriage a restriction? Otherwise, why bother? Seriously, if I thought for a second that my fiance would hook up with others on the side, I'd suggest we don't get married. I wouldn't break up with him, but I don't think the whole marriage route would make any sense.

So, I guess I have to agree with you guys that have said that setting boundaries and open communication are key, for us...not for everyone. I have to admit (however boring it might sound) that I want to be with that "one" person, and that's why I'm getting married. He's said he wants the same thing. But we all know "bedroom" talk brings a whole host of other possibilities to the surface...and gay/straight/bi all have conversations that never materialize in real life. Otherwise, half of us might be in prison by now! haha. I guess the most important thing is having an honest conversation about each others' needs and what we can each live with and live without...and then finding a way to make that work, so we're both happy. Because I don't think it's a bad thing to be able to ask for nothing else than exactly what you want and need.

Thanks again, guys! There's so much wisdom here. I really appreciate it. xoxoxo

 

[versatileplayer]

Jealousy comes from insecurity.

 

[blackbeltninja]

^It's easy to say that if you're in an open relationship which both parties want to be open.

-d-

 

[jizzinmypants]

versatile player, the open relationship thing isn't for everyone. In fact I would even dare to say its not for most people.

 

[stevexxx]

versatile player, the open relationship thing isn't for everyone. In fact I would even dare to say its not for most people.

i agree, an open relationship isn't for everyone.
a marriage is something you hold special because you
want to spend time with your significant other; either being fucking her, cuddling her, kissing her, talking to her, or just being with her.
To me, that's a marriage;; having that special someone that you love for yourself. if you share her (or him) with the world then how would her (or him)
then both the guy and girl loses that something special they call their own.

 

[bangthisbi]

He's pretty much begging for a cock (I totally get that . I'm cool with MMF, and I'd support him having that...I've always LOVED the idea. I think it'd be hot. The only thing I ask is to promise me he'd only be with other guys if I'm involved too. He said it's cool, but once we open the door, it worries me a bit. We have a great sex life, and he loves my willingness to explore and be creative...as much anal as he wants included! xoxox

You wrote the exact thing that I really wanted with my ex-wife. Thinking about the two of us being joined by another man still gets me worked up.
Did I want to watch another man slide his cock into my wife and make her moan with pleasure? Oh yes.
Did I want to suck a huge hard cock together with my wife? Mmmmmm yes
Did I want her to watch another man slide his cock into my ass and fuck me silly? yes, Yes, YES
Would having MMF fun with my wife lead to me sneaking out to give blowjobs behind her back? No
Would I have been devastated if I ever found out she was sleeping around behind my back? Without a doubt

I craved cock for the 20 years that we were together, but I never hooked up with any men or women in all that time. I would have jumped at the chance to share another man or woman (I know I already said that, but I love imagining what it would be like).
As long as you guys did things together, I wouldn't consider it an open relationship. I see that as a healthy and honest relationship.
If the two of you or any other couple invited me to join in, I would be there in no time flat and would continue to be there whenever I was asked. If he or she asked me to meet up for some secret 1 on 1, I would decline. I wouldn't want to play any part in their cheating.
So, for me, MMF, MFF, MMFF with the woman I love is a huge turn on. I know other people would not even consider it.
Everyone is different. Do what is good for the two of you. Don't worry about anyone else.

I have a question for you Kelsey. Do you have a sister?

Good luck and have fun.

 

[KevLINY]

Restrictions can only lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Yes, we get it. Although not everyone is like you and your man. I wouldn't say "completely open relationships lead only to emptiness and abandonment." Because people are different and I'm sure they don't only lead there.

Or to sum it up, "judgemental much?"

 

[bankside]

Yes! For a bi guy who wants a safe supporting relationship to make some of his fantasies come to life, your comfort zone should be a bi guy's dream zone. It's not a straightjacket by any means.

NOTHING in your limits is unreasonable. And nothing says you have to enforce those limits IF things go well within them and IF you feel like changing them. You're only offering him what you believe you can deliver, which is openness without separateness.

He's not your fuck buddy, he's your fiancé, and your openness to share certain fantasies (and not just put up with them, but be enthusiastic about something you think is hot) tells me you've definitely got enough of a brain in your head that this might just work. Any Bi guy with a brain, who also was interested in something somewhat open (not all are) should be amazed that he was lucky enough to find you.

Secondly, if it is good sex, it should not "quench his thirst," it should make all of you want more of it more often. Or at least have fond memories of it that make you horny every time you think about it. You might each want different things out of a fling like this, but if it is worth doing, it is worth enjoying. And if it is worth enjoying, it is worth repeating. If this is supposed to be "one last cock" before he "settles down" then you're all probably heading for disappointment. If you're willing to be open (within limits) now, you should count on being open (within limits) 5 years from now...once in a while, as horniness and opportunity allow, within the limits you both agree on, in your open, trusting, up-front very cool marriage.

Thirdly another guy is not just a sex robot. You could just get a blow-up doll or a dildo for that. This is another real live human being, and all of you are allowed to make emotional connections with each other.

Basically it's not only allowed; it just happens. Accept that, but also accept it does not mean that all the emotions are in competition, or that it is a zero sum game with winners and losers. Your fiancé is going to have a physical and emotional connection to someone else, and you are too. It's not the same emotion, not the same physical union, but it is there.

And if that sounds like a future you both want, and you both still see a path forward together, with optional "visitors" in the short or long term, then you have the makings of a happy life together.

 

[versatileplayer]

^It's easy to say that if you're in an open relationship which both parties want to be open.

-d-

Yes it is. I've been in other relationships as well, and I've also been young and insecure and foolish.

I don't give relationship advice. I can say what I would do. If I were in a relationship with someone and I had feelings of jealousy, I would question myself as to why I felt that way. Marriage would not be the next step I would take.

 

[versatileplayer]

versatile player, the open relationship thing isn't for everyone. In fact I would even dare to say its not for most people.

I would surely agree. I'm not judging. I'm just saying jealousy comes from insecurity, and it does.

 

[versatileplayer]

i agree, an open relationship isn't for everyone.
a marriage is something you hold special because you
want to spend time with your significant other; either being fucking her, cuddling her, kissing her, talking to her, or just being with her.
To me, that's a marriage;; having that special someone that you love for yourself. if you share her (or him) with the world then how would her (or him)
then both the guy and girl loses that something special they call their own.

I'm not saying that's wrong or a bad idea, if that is what both people want - for whatever reason - even if it's jealousy.

Most of the time I only want to have sex with my partner. He's the best at it. He has 17 years of experience working on this chassis. It's hard for anyone to compete with that.

But at the same time, if I wanted to have sex with someone else, I should just be honest with myself, and with him and do it.

Otherwise, I'm just lying to both of us.

I love my husband more than anyone in the entire world, and the 17 years I've been with him are the best years of my life. I would never ever leave him. I can't imagine life without him.

But it's not because he has some hold over me - it is what I truly want.

No matter how many lovers I have, I can never have the same level of intimacy that i share with him. He knows every single thing about me, and he loves me. I can say the same thing about him.

 

[versatileplayer]

Yes, we get it. Although not everyone is like you and your man. I wouldn't say "completely open relationships lead only to emptiness and abandonment." Because people are different and I'm sure they don't only lead there.

Or to sum it up, "judgemental much?"

I judge no one.

Our relationship is 17 years old now, and I have never had a more intimate relationship with anyone, I have no secrets from him. I'm not with him because I made some promise or obligation, I'm with him because I want to be with him.

The fact that I have no secrets from him brings us to a level of intimacy that i don't believe people in exclusive relationships can have. I don't believe there is a situation where one will never think of sex with someone other than one's spouse. So pretending these desires don't exist is simply self deception in my mind.

But hey - whatever. Don't care.

 

[chrisw87]

as everyone says, its a personal thing to both yourselves and how your relationship is set up. I wouldn't want him to run wild because, well, I'm a jealous bastard when it comes to other people fucking my parter, an understandable thing.

I would never be able to do the "open relationship" thing, and if I was you, I'd be offering him a pegging or two, but I do understand that won't substitute for a Real Cock

If I'm in a relationship, and I love someone, I only have eyes... and pants... for them. But once again, thats just me not your partner.
edit: @ versitile, it is the case for me, but I don't exactly have a big sex drive when it comes to sleeping around. I'm happy just to get what I get

 

[versatileplayer]

Yes! For a bi guy who wants a safe supporting relationship to make some of his fantasies come to life, your comfort zone should be a bi guy's dream zone. It's not a straightjacket by any means.

NOTHING in your limits is unreasonable. And nothing says you have to enforce those limits IF things go well within them and IF you feel like changing them. You're only offering him what you believe you can deliver, which is openness without separateness.

He's not your fuck buddy, he's your fiancé, and your openness to share certain fantasies (and not just put up with them, but be enthusiastic about something you think is hot) tells me you've definitely got enough of a brain in your head that this might just work. Any Bi guy with a brain, who also was interested in something somewhat open (not all are) should be amazed that he was lucky enough to find you.

Secondly, if it is good sex, it should not "quench his thirst," it should make all of you want more of it more often. Or at least have fond memories of it that make you horny every time you think about it. You might each want different things out of a fling like this, but if it is worth doing, it is worth enjoying. And if it is worth enjoying, it is worth repeating. If this is supposed to be "one last cock" before he "settles down" then you're all probably heading for disappointment. If you're willing to be open (within limits) now, you should count on being open (within limits) 5 years from now...once in a while, as horniness and opportunity allow, within the limits you both agree on, in your open, trusting, up-front very cool marriage.

Thirdly another guy is not just a sex robot. You could just get a blow-up doll or a dildo for that. This is another real live human being, and all of you are allowed to make emotional connections with each other.

Basically it's not only allowed; it just happens. Accept that, but also accept it does not mean that all the emotions are in competition, or that it is a zero sum game with winners and losers. Your fiancé is going to have a physical and emotional connection to someone else, and you are too. It's not the same emotion, not the same physical union, but it is there.

And if that sounds like a future you both want, and you both still see a path forward together, with optional "visitors" in the short or long term, then you have the makings of a happy life together.

I absolutely love your post, and the emotional insights are great. Honest communication, and if she's really not into it - she should feel free to say so, and he as well.

 

[versatileplayer]

as everyone says, its a personal thing to both yourselves and how your relationship is set up. I wouldn't want him to run wild because, well, I'm a jealous bastard when it comes to other people fucking my parter, an understandable thing.

I would never be able to do the "open relationship" thing, and if I was you, I'd be offering him a pegging or two, but I do understand that won't substitute for a Real Cock

If I'm in a relationship, and I love someone, I only have eyes... and pants... for them. But once again, thats just me not your partner.
edit: @ versitile, it is the case for me, but I don't exactly have a big sex drive when it comes to sleeping around. I'm happy just to get what I get

I'm not sure I'm following you 100% - as to what is the case for you.

But if your sex drive is satisfied with one partner, great! Then you're not feeling as though you are missing out on something, or that your needs aren't being met.

My partner meets my needs too. He's all the man I need - but life is short - and the meter is running. I love to have sex with women, I love to seduce women. It's part of who I am. I also like to have other men as partners once in a while too. If I said I didn't, I'd be lying to myself and my partner.

He is a little tiny bit less adventurous than I am, but he's had opportunities with some really hot men, and he's gone for it - and he's enjoyed it, and I'm very happy for him..... and when we get down to business, there is no one that has hotter sex than the two of us. I believe its because we share a greater level of intimacy than most because we don't have any secret desires that we have to feel guilty about - we accept each other as we are.