Let me start off by saying I am a female. Please just hear me out. I was turned onto this site by my boyfriend... Anyways. Some background. I have now been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Took us a year and a half to even say i love you. He could be the one bu t there is one minor set back. He constantly is looking at m4m craigslist ads. Whenwe first started dating i found an email account with craigslist exchanges...from those emails he has given a guy head. I freaked out and I confronted him about it. He told me he was hacked. Okay... I'm not a computer retard. Anyways cal me crazy but my problem is not that he is looking at other men or transexuals or whatever. Its that he wont admit to me!!! And again call me crazy but i would give him my blessing of he wanted to see MEN on the side if he told me about it. Heck i might want to join. I even blatantly told him i am okay with whatever but he still would deny. I would love more than anything to marry this man if i knew he wasn't going behind my back. I can't stand lying. He has tons of female porn on his computer. I know if he didn't want to be with me he would leave. Any advice or insight or experience please? I apologize for the sppelling errors. I did this on my phone.
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need advice
- Thread starter bg102710
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Ninjato
On the Prowl
He needs to come clean to you. He's cheating on you if he's doing it behind your back. Maybe you can try to involve yourself by telling him that you want to see him with another guy. He might say no at first but if you bring it up a few times, he might be down for it. I have a friend that is straight but he likes dick. He's been with his girlfriend for 7 years and he'll posts ads on Craigslist looking for guys. He likes to cross dress while he gets gang banged by guys and his girlfriend watches. Then he'll have sex with her after they leave. He originally brought up the idea of her using a strap on and then they moved onto the real thing.
It's not his closet bisexuality that is the problem IMO. I have dated biguys before and there were upfront about their sexuality. It's the deception I have no tolerance for.
If he can't be honest with you now about liking some dick on the side which you clearly know, what makes you think he will be honest about ANYTHING in the future? I'd take the heartache now before you take the plunge into marriage and really get into a quagmire.
If he can't be honest with you now about liking some dick on the side which you clearly know, what makes you think he will be honest about ANYTHING in the future? I'd take the heartache now before you take the plunge into marriage and really get into a quagmire.
Rolyo85
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Let's ignore whether he's bisexual or a plain old closeted 'mo. This is not a question of sexuality, but one of cheating.
He is NOT the one. Ask yourself this - if there was no alternative sexuality involved, if what you'd found was proof of him cheating on you with another girl, what would you have done? Yes, it's EXACTLY the same.
He is NOT the one. Ask yourself this - if there was no alternative sexuality involved, if what you'd found was proof of him cheating on you with another girl, what would you have done? Yes, it's EXACTLY the same.
Hmmm. Everybody lies sometimes. What? You never lied? Give him a break this time.
Tell him what you told us:
"call me crazy but i would give him my blessing of he wanted to see MEN on the side if he told me about it. Heck i might want to join."
Do I condone his lying? No. Not really.
Let me also disabuse you of one thing: there is no "the one". He does not exist. As Dan Savage said, there are only 0.8, 0.65, 0.72 and then you just round him up to the 1.0. Because for all intents and purposes, you aren't the 1.0 for anybody else probably either. Nobody is. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has his and her own flaws. It is the duty of the other partner to overlook each other's faults and in the process try to make each other better. It's a series of compromises. Like buying a second-hand car where the rear window won't open, or the air conditioning won't work - it's annoying, but it's not fatal. Not like a car with no brakes.
Do you love him enough to repair your relationship with him regarding this? Expect him to deny what he denied because it is outside his comfort zone at the moment. Let it slide for now to cool the temperature a little bit. If you are really comfortable with having him see men on the side, my suggestion would be to have veto over him.
"Honey, I see you like this hot guy. Ok, but on my terms. You go ahead and tell him to come here and fuck you while I watch. I'll let you play with other guys, but only here and only whenever I'm around to see it. You agree? I'm trying to meet you halfway. Otherwise, we have to rethink our entire relationship. You have to trust me and you have to tell me the truth."
You might be surprised that this might lead to a healthier and longer term relationship. It can go either way, of course, but if you are willing to widen your boundaries a little bit, a stable relationship might evolve than most people can even hope to achieve.
Just saying.
I sense you're very mature handling this and you will make the right decision just don't make decisions when you're angry. Relax and cool off a bit.
Don't promise when you're happy,
don't reply when you're angry,
and don't decide when you're sad.
Good luck.
Tell him what you told us:
"call me crazy but i would give him my blessing of he wanted to see MEN on the side if he told me about it. Heck i might want to join."
Do I condone his lying? No. Not really.
Let me also disabuse you of one thing: there is no "the one". He does not exist. As Dan Savage said, there are only 0.8, 0.65, 0.72 and then you just round him up to the 1.0. Because for all intents and purposes, you aren't the 1.0 for anybody else probably either. Nobody is. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has his and her own flaws. It is the duty of the other partner to overlook each other's faults and in the process try to make each other better. It's a series of compromises. Like buying a second-hand car where the rear window won't open, or the air conditioning won't work - it's annoying, but it's not fatal. Not like a car with no brakes.
Do you love him enough to repair your relationship with him regarding this? Expect him to deny what he denied because it is outside his comfort zone at the moment. Let it slide for now to cool the temperature a little bit. If you are really comfortable with having him see men on the side, my suggestion would be to have veto over him.
"Honey, I see you like this hot guy. Ok, but on my terms. You go ahead and tell him to come here and fuck you while I watch. I'll let you play with other guys, but only here and only whenever I'm around to see it. You agree? I'm trying to meet you halfway. Otherwise, we have to rethink our entire relationship. You have to trust me and you have to tell me the truth."
You might be surprised that this might lead to a healthier and longer term relationship. It can go either way, of course, but if you are willing to widen your boundaries a little bit, a stable relationship might evolve than most people can even hope to achieve.
Just saying.
I sense you're very mature handling this and you will make the right decision just don't make decisions when you're angry. Relax and cool off a bit.
Don't promise when you're happy,
don't reply when you're angry,
and don't decide when you're sad.
Good luck.
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Perhaps he's not being honest with you because he's not being honest with himself. In his mind his entire life changes when he says the words out loud or does the activity in front of you. Just because he's having sex with you don't conclude he's bi. I was married to a woman and have 2 children. I'm gay. It doesn't matter what he is. His dishonesty is causing you stress and you deserve better.
You have choices. If he faces no consequences he has little incentive for change. If you make threats and don't follow through you set the stage for becoming co-dependent, which will make you into a person you do not want to become. Accepting dishonesty for the sake of a relationship can be a sign of self-esteem issues. You need to convince yourself that you deserve better. Make this about you and not him. The only person you can control or change is yourself. Best wishes.
You have choices. If he faces no consequences he has little incentive for change. If you make threats and don't follow through you set the stage for becoming co-dependent, which will make you into a person you do not want to become. Accepting dishonesty for the sake of a relationship can be a sign of self-esteem issues. You need to convince yourself that you deserve better. Make this about you and not him. The only person you can control or change is yourself. Best wishes.
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Relationships can survive cheating.
On the other hand, lies and lack of honest communication are the death knell for relationships.
You've said in your post where you stand on the issue of your boyfriend messing around with guys on the side. You should have that conversation with him.
And be sure you're using condoms when you have sex with him... as you should with any open relationship.
On the other hand, lies and lack of honest communication are the death knell for relationships.
You've said in your post where you stand on the issue of your boyfriend messing around with guys on the side. You should have that conversation with him.
And be sure you're using condoms when you have sex with him... as you should with any open relationship.
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Um, there's no tactful way of saying this but if he's interacting via Craigslist ads, chances are that shipped has sailed.
How do you know he’s looking at the ads?
Is “constantly” really the best word to describe the frequency?
Is “constantly” really the best word to describe the frequency?
You shouldn't be trying to convince us to stay with your boyfriend. You should be conversing with him about this. The fact that you are trying to defend his behavior shows a deeper problem within the relationship and/or about yourself.
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If all he's doing is something as innocent as just looking, then why do you think he can't tell you the truth about it?
Girl, CL can act as porn, believe it or not. Some pics can really get you off.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Avoid being judgmental. Avoid pre-conceived conclusions until he tells his side of the story.
What does he want? What does he need? What is he into?
What do YOU want? What do YOU need? What are YOU into?
Can a compromise be met? Can you compromise? Can he compromise?
Love is a mutual sacrifice for each other's love because you love each other and are willing to do something AND not do something to keep that love alive.
Tell him you're giving him a chance so that you don't rob yourself of the love of your life and I hope he can do the same for you so that he doesn't rob himself of the love of his life. In the final analysis, let both of you find a way.
Good luck.