need help, am I bi or gay?

[octoberman]

Hey so i wanted to post here to get your guys input on helping me figure out my sexuality. I know that I am attracted to guys but i have never been with one besides the one time me and 2 other straight friends fooled around with masturbating in middle school.

I have only had sex with girls and I feel attracted to them when I am with them. I have no problem getting erections nor being aroused during the sex. The sex is good and I feel aroused during it. My only thing is that I know deep down that I am attracted to guys. Even when I watched straight porn I will find myself looking at the guy (however i do also look at the girl).

Before i make any decisions about coming out, I think it's important for me to figure out where I stand. I'm not 100% sure on anything right now which is almost making it worse. If I knew 100% that I was gay and there was no way I could ever be with a girl, then I think this could be easier. I'm not sure if I'm secretly lying to myself when I am with these girls but I guess I won't know until I try somethign with a guy. I am only 22 so I am still young and have time to figure everything out. I definitely do not want ot come out yet since I am still unsure about my true sexuality.

I can remember from early childhood being into boys but I also remember having crushes on girls. very confusing...

Can people please help me out? I feel like it would be hard for me to be emotoinally in love with a guy but maybe I feel that way becasue I have never really been open to it

 

[looseliam]

At this stage of the game, I wouldn't worry too much about where you fit-in.

If you find yourself attracted to men and women, go with both. Do what feels right.

You don't have to come-out. You can just start living your life without having to explain/justify it to anyone.

Welcome to JUB!

 

[vforvendetta]

People get too hung up on the label - you know what you like, and you should pursue that instead of trying to conform to some set of preconceived standards.

I agree with looseliam, I wouldn't worry about coming out until you have things a bit more settled for yourself. Coming out can be a rather traumatic experience for some people in more unfortunate environments, although personally it wasn't as bad as I had expected.

 

[genthree]

go with LL and move at your own pace.

 

[weluvit]

Spectacular advice so far.

Forget labels, you don't need to worry about that. Be your self and feel good about being your self and being attracted to both sexes. it's fine and very normal.

Best case is if you can have your cake and eat it too. Many young people are into the idea of bisexuality and I bet you can find a guy and girl that you like and who like you to fool around with at the same time. Yes, that's right I'm saying a MFM situation where the guys are bi and the chick loves it! Doesn't get much hotter to me.

YMMV

 

[Seasoned]

Sexuality is on a continuum. I consider myself gay even though I was married and have two children. My ex-wife wanted to stay married with me hooking up on the side. I declined.

A heterosexist society pushes us to be straight. So now comes the exploratory part for you. I'm guessing I'm over 95% gay but was still able to get it up for one girlfriend and my wife. I had had opportunities because guys came on to me buy I was too scared and too introverted to act on them.

I would guess it gets tricky if a person is in the 40/60 range. It would be tough if one wanted a mongamous relationship. But people can make their own way with like minded people.

My guess is that your dilemma is figuring out what is coming from inside and what is learned societal pressure. I'm an old fart but I remember my process as if it were a movie I watched yesterday. PM me anytime if you like.

I wish you all the best and mostly peace of mind. It will come.

 

[octoberman]

Even though I've never hooked up with a guy, should I tell someone now? Or should I wait until I do and then make the decision? However, I feel like it won't really matter because I already know i have an attraction to guys.

Can someone help me with a plan?

 

[TX-Beau]

Why are you worried about telling people when you don't know what the hell to tell them?

You're sure you're attracted to men, right? So the real question is about your attraction to women.

 

[octoberman]

yeah great point. but im so confused I don't know what to do. Should i start by tellign a close friend that I have an attraction to men and I'm confused?

I'm pretty pissed off at myself that im 22 and im just now figuring this out after college. I wish I had done it sooner.

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

As long you're not fucking animals or children, who you love and/or get freak nasty with is no one's business but your own.

 

[vforvendetta]

yeah great point. but im so confused I don't know what to do. Should i start by tellign a close friend that I have an attraction to men and I'm confused?

I'm pretty pissed off at myself that im 22 and im just now figuring this out after college. I wish I had done it sooner.

Don't worry about it.....I lived in a rather rural area as I've mentioned, and as a result I'd always tried to bury any latent homosexual feelings I had (religion, peers etc). As a result I was more or less asexual with sporadic, low end female encounters. Sometimes until we get away from those negative influences, we don't know what we're really all about until we've had time to explore our minds and find out what makes us happy. When I finally came out at 19, I had had about a year to really review my sexuality and everything kind of just made sense, especially recalling a few of my earlier teen/pre-teen emotions (one I especially remember was a crush on my male best friend, and remember being quite disappointed I wasn't able to sleep with him in the same bed at a sleepover! ).

Anyway, better now than at a later age. I wouldn't go around telling people until you've had a bit more time to sort your emotions out, though - a part of coming out for all of us has been weighing the possible positive consequences versus any negative consequences. Some people simply can't afford the potential negative consequences, such as if their parents completely disown them.

 

[octoberman]

I know that my parents won't completely disown me. I'm fairly certain that they will accept me and love me, the hard part is just telling them. I guess I can classify myself as bi for now since I dont really think a true gay man would be sexually and emotionally turned on by women, just like straight people are turned on by the same sex.

I am thinking of telling my bisexual friend who is a girl tonight but I'm not sure if its too soon?

 

[KaraBulut]

Just reading through your posts, if things are as uncertain as you have said they are, it seems that you're putting the horse before the cart.

It is true that the most important part of coming out is coming out to yourself and accepting your feelings for what they are. That's a big step but really- but that's where you are stalled at the moment.

Unless you are ready to take that step and experiment and find out what's on the other side of that door waiting for you, there's no point in coming out to friends or fretting about the gay versus bi question.

Instead, take this time to focus on yourself and find out exactly what you feel. Once you do, the answers to these questions will be much clearer.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

I'm in the same boat as you octoberman.

For me, I'm not physically attracted to women, but I have been emotionally attracted to women and think I still can. Does that make me bi or gay? Idk.

You seem like you will have an easier time with this. You're physically and emotionally attracted to women. Ok. You're only physically attracted to guys. Ok. I think that if you could physically connect with someone, then an emotional connection is entirely possible. Seems to me like you're bisexual.

But something that I'm realizing as I figure things out is that it's fine to be utterly confused. Take time and don't rush it, it doesn't seem like you need to be coming out to anyone anytime soon. Unless of course this bisexual friend of yours is the only one who would know about your feelings. Especially since she's bi, talking about with her might help.

 

[octoberman]

The last few posts have been great. Do you guys think I should start coming out before I hook up with a few guys first? I sort of just want this off my chest and have this hiding be done. Would it be good for me to meet with a counselor and talk to him/her about it? That way I'm actually talking about my feelings with someone.

Also, if I did talk to a counselor, would you recommend a guy/girl for osmeone in my situation? Or a person who is directly qualified for these situations and not just a general cousnselor?

I just truly accepted I was bisexual yesterday with a massive catharsis of emotion. It didn't feel good but not I feel much better today even though it is still on my mind today. I guess that is progress.

 

[vforvendetta]

The last few posts have been great. Do you guys think I should start coming out before I hook up with a few guys first? I sort of just want this off my chest and have this hiding be done. Would it be good for me to meet with a counselor and talk to him/her about it? That way I'm actually talking about my feelings with someone.

Also, if I did talk to a counselor, would you recommend a guy/girl for osmeone in my situation? Or a person who is directly qualified for these situations and not just a general cousnselor?

I just truly accepted I was bisexual yesterday with a massive catharsis of emotion. It didn't feel good but not I feel much better today even though it is still on my mind today. I guess that is progress.

You stress yourself out too much I think - you're probably somewhat excited as well as wanting to be honest with those close to you....though, why not give yourself a week or two to get used to the idea instead of putting so much pressure on yourself at once?

About a counselor, I've don't think it shouldn't matter - if they have a degree in that area, they should be open-minded to LGBT issues. If they're not, get a new one - they can't disclose your records under standard health law. I never had any issues with the one counselor I talked to when I was having a rough time (bad breakup mostly, on top of other issues).