Need help on a relationship: Should I dump him?

[KingofJungle]

Hi guys,
first time here, and perhaps I may get a good advice. I dont have really a lot of people to ask for advice. My family does not know I am gay, nor does half of my friends, and those who know are mostly straight. So I dont feel like talking to them on this. And I cant discuss with my boyfriend whether I need to break up with him or not.

The thing is: we have dated for 1.5 years, monogamously, and it has been a first relationship for both of us. We are both in our 20s, both with good education (Masters) and good jobs. We dont live together, yet.

The problem, let me go straight. This guy does not like sex. no, seriously. Now we do have sex perhaps once a week, or once in 2 weeks, and that happens after I have begged for it. (and sometimes bribed for it). He does not want to fuck me (be top) but he does not seem to enjoy being fucked (he preffers to lay there and you do it). He ejoys hugging and kissing (in some days) and he thinks that's could be enough for a relationship. I am seriously getting too tired of being in arelationship and I have to get home and masterbate while I am dating someone. Can someone understand this?

Now you ask, why do you stay with him? Well, I personally like him, his character and personality. He supports me emotionally, and he is among few persons (on surface of the earth) who know me a LOT. and I appreciate that. But I am increasingly feeling he is becoming my best friend rather my partner.

And after mentioning many times of our unsatisfying sex life, he does not seem to get it. He never likes to even change positions (when he agrees to have sex). He even sometimes think we are moving in together and get married, while for me I am not sure we have even mastered the ABC of the relationship yet.

Is it normal for a guy to be like this? What do I do?

 

[hylas]

for me, sex is quite important in a relationship, so yeah, i would break up.

 

[Corny]

You have everything else you could ask for in a relationship - but he doesn't seem to enjoy anal sex.

^ it seems he doesn't enjoy sex at all.

that kinda would be a deal breaker .. even if he would allow me to seek sex "outside" of the relationship, i wouldn't be sure if that would last long ..

 

[bankside]

It could be a health issue, or a lifestyle issue. You don't have to discuss breaking up with him, but you do need to discuss the issue.

If he already has as much sex with you as he ever wants, he has low sex drive. That can be a symptom of a medical problem, and probably a doctor can help. It could be depression, hormonal, or anything.

Imagine what your relationship would be like if he saw a doctor who improved his health and you could enjoy a more active sex life! Good?

Or it could be a lifestyle thing. He enjoys hugging and kissing. Maybe he likes to do that for two hours before making love. Maybe 15 minutes is enough for you. Are you rushing? Do you have enough time to to be together if he likes to take it slow? Talk to him about this. Ask him to tell you about his favourite times with you, and what he liked about it. If you can give him more of what he likes (an hour of hugging and kissing) maybe it will be easier for him to give you more of what he likes.

 

[G-Lexington]

You say he likes hugging and kissing.
You say he doesn't like topping or bottoming (both anal activities).
Does he enjoy manual or oral sex?

Lex

 

[fetaby]

Define what you want your relationship to be, and if this guy doesn't fit it, I think you have your answer.

Congratulations, you've met your best friend.

 

[sixthson]

This is not the same as being in love with him. Are you?

Is sex important? It is to you and it isn't to him.

Personally, I can't imagine ever being happy having to beg for sex. Being wanted and desired is a wonderful thing.

If you are not happy now, do you really see yourself being happy after you move in together, if nothing changes?

 

[ucfknight12]

For me, sex is important in a relationship so I would talk to him about it and tell him that it was bothering me. Now I wouldn't break up with him if we weren't having sex every day, but every other week and him only sitting in the same position wouldn't do it for me, but thats just me.

You need to talk to him about it and tell him your needs and if he doesn't understand or is against it, you need to figure out what *YOU* want in a relationship and decide that its worth breaking up with him over the sex.

 

[Maklaar13]

It is a deal breaker! I have reluctantly become a total top in our relationship, though I love having sex, I have always been quite versatile in every aspect, then it became obvious after realizing that it had been 2 years since my bf had fucked me! I immediately brought the issue out and things got better for a while. However, after 27 years together, I have come to realize that he will never be the sexual animal that I am and the only logical solution after all this time together is to find alternatives to pleasing myself anally with toys, he will always be vanilla and I will always long for my 32 flavors.

In your situation, my advice is to really look at things the way they are and ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life with someone that is sexually incompatible with your needs.

By the way, we do have a great relationship and we are deeply in love, but the sex thing will always be a situation that will always need to be address, and I am never shy about reminding him that I have needs too, and furthermore, that frustrated sexual needs often lead to a lot of trouble. Sincerely, the reluctant top.

 

[chance1]

everything seems to be great .......... except for the lack of sex

i would address it head on - find out why he is not interested - and see if it can be remedied

worth putting it out there IMO

while sex is not the only thing, it is critical IMO

 

[heightsboi]

It sounds like it's time to have a talk with him. A lot of things can hamper a sex drive: stress, depression, medical conditions. And some people just don't need it as often.

It's time to figure out what you both need from a relationship and what need s to happen to make sure you're both happy. For some reason I get the sense that you're both in this relationship because at this moment it's the path of least resistance. Breaking up would take too much effort, but so would moving in together. Or i could be way off base.

 

[hotb0d]

I think you should ask him about it. Maybe it's not that he doesn't enjoy sex, maybe there is a wall that you haven't passed yet.

 

[KaraBulut]

There are plenty of sexless successful long-term relationships.

The real issue here is that you want one thing. He doesn't want the same things. And "compromise" on the issue involves one of you getting your way- whether that be you get sex or he gets to avoid the issue for another day.

There's not much a future (at least a happy one) if both of you aren't willing to reach a real compromise on the issue. And part of that compromise is your boyfriend coming clean on why it is that he doesn't seem to have interest in a healthy and well-rounded physical relationship and dealing with his issues.

 

[KingofJungle]

Thank you all for replying. I am feeling better by reading different perspectives you approach this. It make me understand my relatioship.

1) He is simply not into anal sex, top or bottom. So I thought, may be oral sex. I did him once, he enjoyed it (he said so) but he never liked it again (ouch!). If I ask him for one, he would start it and not like it much. So he is not into oral sex.

2) One thing is: he loves to masturbate, by himself or me helping him, and I completely dont enjoy masturbation (I have bias against it; I feel it is approapriate when one is single, but not when dating someone, since it is kinda of a private sex life. Ofcourse, he disagrees with my thinking).

3) One thing I came to learn is: we were not attracted to each other physically at first, but by emotions and reasoning, and may be this is what is holding us together, not sexual pleasures. I like his emotional support and friendship, and I enjoyed having sex with him (when we do it). He enjoys my material support (since I make almost twice as him).

So I guess I may have to confront him last time. Honestly, I am tired of this. I am not sure if I am in love anymore. A good example was this weekend. Friday night we went shopping, dine out and went home. We were cuddling in bed and I wanted sex, but he said he was too tired and we will do it in the morning. In the morning, he did not like to have sex. Not that I am a sex monster or anything, but it has been more than a week or 2 since we last did it. And right after he denied me sex, he went on to remind me of the trip next summer to Europe (I take him to Europe every summer; and pay for air ticket, hotels and other stuff). So, right off a rough sex-less morning and he dares ask me for a $6000 committment. I got pisssssssed off!

...I am still pissed off.

 

[G-Lexington]

I will say that manual sex is still sex. Just because it's a hand getting you off instead of a mouth or an ass (or a vagina) doesn't make it any less of a sexual act.

That said, DTMFA. You're completely incompatible.

Lex

 

[texan_slant]

Seriously, if you have no common ground on this, and you have found nothing sexual that he enjoys, then it would be a deal breaker.

For some people, this might work if it's a mutual understanding, however, people have different needs, and cuz you've already mentioned that this is one of your needs (Understandably!!), which he isn't meeting, it sounds like you already have an intuition on this (by posting your question here);

Follow your gut and dump him.

 

[maxpowr9]

I'll be the odd person here. There is a good possibility if your BF doesn't like sex that he could be "homo-romantic". Asexuality almost never gets talked about here (considering it is foremost a gay 'porn' site). As a gay asexual, it is tough to find a guy out there who loves and respects us entirely. It is assumed that if a guy doesn't want to jump my bones that he must not love me at all. There are many ways to show love that doesn't involve sex.

If you really do love and care for this guy, I would honestly sit down and talk with him about if he's asexual before jumping to any irrational decisions. If sex is an ultimate deal breaker for you, I'd kindly break up with him.

 

[Maklaar13]

Get out, run fast, run far, better alone than in questionable company.