Need help phrasing relationship needs to bf

[Chriscub]

Hey everyone, me (27m) and my bf (31m) have been together over 2 years. We get along super well. Besides some minor annoyances, we've never fought.

However, I'm not fully happy in the relationship. When we first started dating, we were decently sexual. Overtime that has dwindled away. The last time we had sex was Valentine's Day weekend 2019 and the last oral was March 2020. I tried to seduce my bf last Valentine's Day. I sprinkled rose petals from the door of his house up to his bedroom where I was kneeling on the bed in only sexy red underwear. Boyfriend got home and went to his room to change. I said happy Valentine's Day, he said it back and then proceeded to act like it was a regular evening and I wasn't practically naked on his bed. The rejection hurt and was the last time I've tried initiating anything.

My bf is pretty sure he's grey-sexual after talking to a friend who identifies that way. This is not an issue to me. I do have a high sex drive but I'll jerk off before we get together and I'm fine for awhile.

The thing I do want more of though is I want more passionate kisses. We kiss a lot but just pecks which is okay sometimes. But sometimes I want to feel like he's still attracted to me. I brought it up briefly months ago. He said something about being worried he has bad breath. I said he doesn't usually. So we made out for like 2 seconds and then he pulled away.

How can I bring it up again and let him know it's important to me. I do love him but part of me feels we're slowly sliding into just friends.

 

[Ambition92]

Based on what you said, I think you have more than enough ammunition to raise the flag with him and tell him that you haven't felt particularly sexually fulfilled or desired over the past 1+ year. It's important you're both fulfilled in that department otherwise one of you will break. Since you seem more than willing to compromise if his sex drive isn't as vast as yours I don't think it will be that big of a deal to sit down and have a one-on-one conversation with him about how you're feeling. It's important to remember it's a two way street.

You should also see where his head is at and how he's feeling. Maybe there's a reason he hasn't been overly sexual with you outside of being grey-sexual. Not because of you specifically but maybe there's something else on his mind that's trumping sex (family drama, work issues, general life stress). In fact maybe that's your way in, to ask him how he's feeling about everything in the relationship. This will open the door for you to speak your mind after you hear his side of things. Then you can both work on improving together. The line where you said you're feeling you and him are slowly becoming friends is a good point to bring up to correlate your lack of sexual fulfillment with the effect it's having on the relationship. Then you can both work on improving together.

As somebody who hates confrontation I understand it probably feels really awkward to enter into these conversations, but how you're feeling is completely valid. It's equally valid to communicate with your boyfriend when things feel off. For me personally in these situations it helps when I keep the tone generally light and non-confrontational while still being direct so you can get an honest answer. I hope everything works out because you seem to really care about keeping the relationship going.

 

[Chriscub]

I, too, hate confrontation. I’ve been debating saying anything about feeling like it’s going towards a friendship because bf has anxiety and I know that he’ll worry about it for a long time. I like the suggestion of asking if anything is on his mind that reduce sex drive. We’ll talk about past things or celebs and he’ll make sexual comments about doing stuff with them. It’s hard to not let it weigh in me that he may not be attracted to me.

I’m hoping to bring this up next week (we’re both in quarantine) and hopefully I don’t lose my nerve!

 

[TX-Beau]

WTF is "grey-sexual?"

OK jerking off is not a sex life. So if he hasn't been sexual with you for damn near a year, there's a problem. I too have a high libido and if he won't fuck, that's a deal breaker. There's a term for guys you like but don't sleep with, friend.

Now, if you won't bring up that this is an issue, that's on you. You BOTH have to communicate, and just saying "I don't like confrontation," (why is this a confrontation? Are you pissed off) is a cop-out. How important is this relationship to you? If you want it to survive, you have to talk about it.

 

[SeaCore]

WTF is "grey-sexual?"

OK jerking off is not a sex life. So if he hasn't been sexual with you for damn near a year, there's a problem. I too have a high libido and if he won't fuck, that's a deal breaker. There's a term for guys you like but don't sleep with, friend.

Now, if you won't bring up that this is an issue, that's on you. You BOTH have to communicate, and just saying "I don't like confrontation," (why is this a confrontation? Are you pissed off) is a cop-out. How important is this relationship to you? If you want it to survive, you have to talk about it.

Grey-sexuality is on the spectrum of asexuality. So Chriscub is dating an asexual person. People who aren't asexual sometimes enter relationships with people who are and make it work. You're flat-out wrong that guys you like but don't sleep with are only friends.

 

[TX-Beau]

Grey-sexuality is on the spectrum of asexuality. So Chriscub is dating an asexual person. People who aren't asexual sometimes enter relationships with people who are and make it work. You're flat-out wrong that guys you like but don't sleep with are only friends.

if you need sex it's not, in any way. if a guy doesn't want sex and you do, it's just not reasonable to say that his needs are the ones that govern.

- - - Updated - - -

Either he meets you half way, or it's just a friendship.

 

[Ambition92]

That's understandable, it's really thoughtful and caring of you to be weary of your boyfriend's anxiety and not wanting to trigger any unnecessary worry on his end. It seems you're just as concerned about the friend-zone aspect as your boyfriend is since you mentioned it's difficult to think he might not be attracted to you, and clearly he is as well. When you have your chat you can always buffer your statement by saying something along the lines of "I don't want you to overthink this because I am very into you and you mean a lot to me..." before discussing your feelings on how his lack of sexual attention has made you feel undesired and is not meeting your sexual needs.

Good luck! It's always best to have these conversations rather than holding your feelings inside, as uncomfortable as the conversations might seem on the outset. Let the sustainability of your relationship and your well being motivate you to go through with the conversation. You've got this!

 

[KaraBulut]

You're at a bit of a fork in the road on this relationship.

The term "asexual" has gotten normalized, so people are less likely to look a little deeper to figure out why a person- particularly a young person- doesn't have a healthy desire for sex and physical interaction with other people.

Sometimes there are medical issues that need to be addressed and if the person hasn't been to their doctor for a physical for a while, that's a place to start.

You have to decide how much you're willing to invest in this relationship. Counseling may help because a big part of what is going on is lack of communication. There's something happening with him and it's being expressed as disregard for the sexual part of your relationship. A good therapist can help get the truth out there so that you're able to make a more informed decision.

So, what happens if he won't get a physical and won't address the difference between what you want/need sexually and what he wants/needs sexually...or he won't get into the therapy with you and try to make it better? Well, then you go to therapy alone and you talk about your options. In the end, you're the one who has the control over whether you stay or go.

 

[ShadowCat]

I dunno seems like it could be something physical but it could be emotional as well. The little pecks and the pulling away from kissing sounds to me though like he might be cheating. It could be work pressures, family issues a friend issue any number of things really. Definitely bring the subject up but be prepared for an answer that you might not want. I hope you get the answer you're looking for sug keep us posted.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Sounds like a normal straight couple to me.

 

[cabinfever]

It can be a difficult bridge to cross because we are raised in a puritanical society where shame abut sex and what it means will paralyze alot of people.

We are also collectively taught (or brainwashed) when you have "true love" you will have beautiful sex when, in fact, love and lust don't always coincide and there is shame and guilt with that - especially if you are not self aware.

No one wants to tell their lover or best friend that they aren't sexually attracted to them assuming that is the case so I think finding their kink or helping them find it without shame or judgement and being able not to take it personally is the best course of action - ideally.