Need help!

[MrQuiet]

This is not exactly about coming out in particular, but sort of has to do with it. Let me just put some details about me out there. I am 21 and not technically *out,* but I certainly have the confidence and am bold enough to let others know subtly with my eyes/tone of voice etc that I am "one of them." Anyways, there is this guy that comes into my work ALL THE TIME, let's call him *D*. At first I think he would catch me subconsciously staring at him for fractions of a second longer than I *should* have, and I just had THAT FEELING that he was also attracted to men. I'm pretty sure this bothered him at first because he would start to play with his hair or get real tense, and not make eye contact with me and sounded slightly annoyed when I would ask him a question.

At first I didn't know exactly why I was so drawn to him, but I would get bolder with him as my attraction grew. I was at the mall by myself one day months ago and spotted him walking with some other guy. The following Monday he asks me if I was there and I go, "yeah, I knew I saw you!" He goes "Yeah, I was there with my girlfriend," but the way he said it made it seem almost like a question or that he was feeling me out to see if I would go "Oh, me too" I didn't. I don't even know why anyone would say that otherwise.. As time progresses I find out he works at this company I am interested getting a job at. So I ask him if they are hiring and he is extremely helpful and gives me his number and tells me he'll bring me an application and help me fill it out and give it directly to one of his bosses. He sits down with me and helps me fill it out at my work and I subtly flirt with him to try and feel him out, and I don't receive any negative responses or vibes. The place hasn't called me back yet but every time he comes in he asks if they have yet, and seems to feel bad about it and says he'll ask the head honcho about it(numerous times.)
I really started to fall for him, he is GORGEOUS in a way that I cannot describe and his soft brown eyes almost put me into a trance. He is fairly quiet and very courteous and I can tell his is very smart like me, and I feel like we both know we are like two peas in a pod. I don't even know how to say this without sounding arrogant but I would consider myself very attractive also, very fair skin, dark brown hair, icy blue eyes, I am in excellent shape and I take very good care of my skin. Sometimes it feels like we are competing with each other and the one who is more handsome that day is the more nervous one. I HAD to know if he actually has a girlfriend, so weird as it may be I looked him up on facebook from the name I got off his credit card when he pays, and sure enough he HAS A GIRLFRIEND. There is a guy I know for a FACT is gay who comes into my work sometimes and knows the kid somehow, and I've seen the two talk and he's very nice and never rude to him at all. Before I was sure he had a girlfriend I actually got very defensive and jealous when I saw the two talking, and I'm pretty sure by the tone of my voice towards the other kid he knew I was PO'ed he was talking to him.

Currently, I would say the sexual tension between the two of us is almost unbearable. I have held extended eye contact with him on multiple occasions, he asks me how my day is going and is always extremely nice. I feel like he drops me little hints that he's interested also, but maybe he forgets he told me he has a girlfriend, and obviously he doesn't know I verified the fact on facebook. He has winked at me on multiple occasions and I think that's part of what actually made my heart melt and now if I'm not in the right mindset when he comes into my work I am a total wreck, and he's STILL nice and courteous to me. When I'm ringing him up he touches his face or plays with his hair, or acts like he's pulling up his pants seeming very uneasy, and it's just one of those things that seems totally out of the ordinary. When I am trying to be strong and speak with him and look him in the eyes sometimes he won't look at me directly, but he's ALWAYS nice to me. I've never felt this way about anyone before and ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I think I actually LOVE him. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him and I would come out of the closet SCREAMING if I could be with him. BUT I don't know what to do about this tension and I don't think he does either. I have thought about asking him if I make him uncomfortable, but I don't think that is such a good idea. WHAT should I do?!?

 

[MrQuiet]

Also, as an aside, I made it a point to let him know that I am not all about looks, and that I am also very intelligent. I sat down in the seat in front of him when I had no work to do and was reading The Lord of the Rings. A customer came in and I got up to help them, left the book on the table and I glanced over at him and caught him very obviously leaning over to see what book I was reading. I don't know if another *straight* guy would be that interested in what another man was reading..

 

[HunterM]

Get to know him better outside of work. Obviously, you two like each other...otherwise, he'd avoid you like a plague.

Invite him out for a drink after work (happy hr)...like one coworker to another. Get to know him...his hobbies, what his girlfriend is like, his company (pretend you don't know much about his company), etc. Be his friend for now...then go from there.

 

[swdguy]

He's playing with you and taking advantage of you at work. One slip and you'll be in hot water with your company. Me thinks.

 

[HunterM]

^ This is why you two should get to know each other better outside of work hours.

 

[racer2438]

Relationships with co-workers never ends good....be carefull..............

 

[MrQuiet]

Relationships with co-workers never ends good....be carefull..............

I know, the logic part of my brain tells me that, but I would GIVE UP this job opportunity to be with him. And I also think he's playing with me, he's asked me multiple times what time we close(even though I know he knows the answer) He is there hours before we close and there is no real reason he would want to know anyways unless he wanted to hang out after...the thing is although he may think I don't remember, he said the word GIRLfriend to me when we first met, and I don't feel like it's fair for him to expect ME to invite him out somewhere when he obviously knows I like him A LOT and I'm not the one who's indicated they're currently with someone else. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't but he's driving me INSANE!

 

[HunterM]

I don't feel like it's fair for him to expect ME to invite him out somewhere when he obviously knows I like him A LOT

People don't read each other's mind. Life is not fair. It is about going after what you want in life. Make things happen for yourself. Either you step up or step aside for somebody else and don't complain about it while you had the chance.

 

[MrQuiet]

People don't read each other's mind. Life is not fair. It is about going after what you want in life. Make things happen for yourself. Either you step up or step aside for somebody else and don't complain about it while you had the chance.

Fair enough. Sometimes all you need is a push from someone else telling you to stop acting stupid. Thank you

 

[HunterM]

When you go out of your comfort zone, you will always learn something about yourself...and about others. Even if this would not turn out the way you had wished, ask yourself, "What would I have done differently the next time to a different guy?" Practice makes perfect!

Good luck man! And keep us posted.

 

[MrQuiet]

When you go out of your comfort zone, you will always learn something about yourself...and about others. Even if this would not turn out the way you had wished, ask yourself, "What would I have done differently the next time to a different guy?" Practice makes perfect!

Good luck man! And keep us posted.

Will Do!

 

[Rolyo85]

Why is everything in this situation "I think that" and "I suspect that" and "it seems like"? I mean, this whole "I'm not out, but I THINK he wants me" can lead you to some pretty believable delusions some times. Have you considered that he might just be friendly, and a bit awkward from feeling your interest?

And EVEN if he were a closet case like you, he is in a relationship, so... why are you trying to homewreck?

 

[MrQuiet]

Why is everything in this situation "I think that" and "I suspect that" and "it seems like"? I mean, this whole "I'm not out, but I THINK he wants me" can lead you to some pretty believable delusions some times. Have you considered that he might just be friendly, and a bit awkward from feeling your interest?

And EVEN if he were a closet case like you, he is in a relationship, so... why are you trying to homewreck?

BECAUSE I dare not assume anything even though I am usually extremely good at reading people and their intentions. I FEEL like we are both on the same page, but as someone else mentioned, people cannot read others' minds.. Moreover, I am not trying to "homewreck" at all...I had a girlfriend in the past who I was extremely close with and I know exactly how it feels to try and force yourself into something like that and try and make yourself happy when you are really making yourself miserable. I am hit on pretty constantly and I always brush them off because I feel like they're only trying to get to know me because they're attracted to me, whereas I feel an actual connection with him and I think he may be my soul mate. I can't even stop thinking about him.
If you were a girl would you want your partner to be deceiving you, or would you want someone who truly loves and is attracted to you?(I'm not saying he doesn't feel that way about her, but he makes me FEEL like he wants to be with me) I actually saw him while I was at the bank today...I was filling out a checking slip and someone behind me goes "Hey stranger,"(I saw him last night). I assumed it was someone hitting on me so I go "how are you" dismissively, I turn around and it's HIM. I had the biggest smile on my face. It's just weird. Plus, I haven't come out yet because I don't have anyone to TALK TO about it, maybe he is in the same boat.

 

[Rolyo85]

But in the end all of this is a "maybe". You do NOT know that he is with his gf the way you were with yours. You know nothing of his situation and are assuming things based on what you wish to be the case. I'm not saying it necessarily isn't, just that at this point you have no idea.

And do you seriously have nobody to talk to about it? No family or friends? Maybe this guy is someone to come out to. If you really feel a connection, it won't disappear even if he's not gay or isn't ready to admit it, so you lose nothing in talking with him. Either way you'll be a step closer to knowing things instead of wishful thinking.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi MrQuiet,

The whole situation is indeed full with 'if this, if that', with 'maybe' and with alot of other assumptions. And you told us: I am 21 and not technically *out,* but I certainly have the confidence and am bold enough to let others know subtly with my eyes/tone of voice etc that I am "one of them."

I would like to suggest you to follow the advise, given by HunterM:

Get to know him better outside of work. (..). Invite him out for a drink after work (happy hr)...like one coworker to another. Get to know him...his hobbies, what his girlfriend is like, his company (pretend you don't know much about his company), etc. Be his friend for now...then go from there.

And don't forget to tell him that you are a gay guy when you have this private meeting with him (and just see how he reacts). Right now, you almost know nothing for sure. So maybe he 'feels' you are gay, but maybe he has no clue at all. I don't know, and you don't know either.

And what would happen if you let him know you are gay? Is it a big deal for you? No (according to the first quote)?

Feel free to react & take care & good luck.

 

[MrQuiet]

But in the end all of this is a "maybe". You do NOT know that he is with his gf the way you were with yours. You know nothing of his situation and are assuming things based on what you wish to be the case. I'm not saying it necessarily isn't, just that at this point you have no idea.

And do you seriously have nobody to talk to about it? No family or friends? Maybe this guy is someone to come out to. If you really feel a connection, it won't disappear even if he's not gay or isn't ready to admit it, so you lose nothing in talking with him. Either way you'll be a step closer to knowing things instead of wishful thinking.

This is true. And I'm not trying to delude myself, but my intuition tells me otherwise. I actually actively try to look for signs of "Back off," but there are none.
As for having family or friends to talk to, not really. I'm not very close with my father, he's pretty narcissistic and everything is always about him, and I don't think he takes the fact that I am more intelligent(he won't admit that) than he is very well because he's always trying to bring me down rather than build me up and he doesn't do that with my brother. My brother is very negative in general and I don't think he would care but I certainly think it would make him feel very awkward.

Anyways, I've been living in a different state than most of my *friends* for a couple years now and I've pretty much isolated myself from most of them because they all have very big egos, and after I came out to myself I realized that is the last thing I needed to put up with. So for the past year or so I've just been working on myself...Going from being very scrawny to being in pretty damn good shape, and just focusing on my appearance and self confidence in general. I think this also pissed them off because I receive a lot of attention now and that's not the "place" they're used to me being in. AKA they're "haters" and not real friends. So I pretty much just keep to myself and I guess that's the reason I have no problem letting others know subtly that I am gay, because there's not really anyone they could go run and tell that I would care anyways.

All of this is besides the point, though. IF I were to somehow make him mine, I would have no problem walking into my house and going "Hey dad, this is my boyfriend." I've been hurt a lot in the past and that is the least I deserve. I just feel like I don't want to come out until I find someone I love, as counter-intuitive as that seems.