Need some advice, having a rough time

[Justme1234]

First of all, thanks to whoever takes the time to read this. Recently I have gone through a very tough time and I just need some people to talk to. I apologize in advance for the length of the message, but I hope I can get some support so I can start to pick myself up.


This story is about heartbreak and confusion, and I am sure it resembles other stories you've read before, but it truly is unique in my heart.

I am a 21 year old student, and I have known that I am gay since I was about 15-16. I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with it, but eventually just accepted reality (although some confusion still exists). I have always been very outgoing and well liked, and I like to think I have a good heart. I just try to do the right thing. I am what some of you would call "straight acting". Fact of the matter is I have never had to deal with any suspicions from people close to me, including friends or family. Most people just assume that I am straight. I have never had a girlfriend (minus a 2 month quick fling in 9th grade, which wasn't much of anything.) And I have never really related to girls all that well. I've never had a real close friend that is a girl. I feel that I might even be intimidated of women, in that I fear that they are always looking at me from a sexual standpoint, and I just try to avoid leading them on. I have freinds that are girls, but we arent really that close, and I feel particularly uncomfortable around "attractive" girls, for fear that people will expect me to have interest.

As far as my male friends, I have several very very close friends. I have always simply been able to connect emotionally with boys. But I have never had a sexual experience of any kind, and that includes something as simple as a kiss, girl or guy.

I've been able to happily (for the most part) stay in the closet, up until recently. I feel I have been able to do this because there was enough in my life that helped me put it on the back burner. I would think about it, but it wouldn't dominate my thoughts. I wouldn't even consider a future of being a gay male, nor would I consider a future of being straight. In fact, I just tried to live in the moment. When I came to college however, I became friends with someone (a year younger than me) and we grew very close. He and his older brother (a year older than me) went to my high school, and I was friends with his brother. They were inseperable and very similar. We began to spend more and more time with each other, and built a strong circle of friends around us. Needless to say, I fell in love (with the younger brother). He is everything that represents innocence, always laughing, great sense of humor, a youthful demeanor, seemingly oblivious to anything negative (the real world lol). I dont know if it was the fact that his brother and I were friends or not, but we would talk to each other all the time, do everything together, etc etc. All three of us became very close. I was never certain of his sexuality, he never had a girlfriend, and was very flirtatious (just in the way he carried himself, specifically, I percieved, towards me). He gave me signals.

There were some moments where I thought something was on the brink of happening, but I never was able to give it a real shot. Way too much fear of being outed etc. We have been close friends for over 3 years now, much of it spent trying to figure out whether or not he loved me back. It was until only about 4 months ago that my need for an emotional connection grew larger and unable to bear. I decided to write him a long, emotional, not well-thought out email professing my love. I could not bring myself to do it face to face. In the letter, i told him how I loved him and how perfect I thought he was, but most of the letter concentrated on how I was scared to death of what he will think, and was also about asking/begging that he keep it private, no matter his reaction.

I waited and waited for a response, and with none coming, I IM'ed him asking him if he had checked his email, saying that if he hadn't he shouldnt. Well he did, right there, and responded with surprise: lol wtf? (expected) He then said brb. I panicked... started sending him texts begging him not to tell anyone, he was, for the most part, non-responsive. Since I have a habit of worrying, I imagined the worst scenario, and assumed it to be the truth. He didn't tell anyone, but he was very unresponsive, pretty much saying only that he just doesn't want to talk about it. In the few days afterwards, I would say him around (since we did everything together) and it was very awkward. He started to warm up though, giving me signs of acceptance. He was never mean about it, just very private. I couldn't handle unanswered questions. I couldn't help but push it, especially when he would try to act normal around me. He became annoyed. He stopped talking to me, and stopped asking what I was up to, etc. But, he was constantly around, and his brother continued to act as if we were best friends, which made it incredibly hard. (he still to this day has not told his brother). I did not know how to act. Sometimes I was withdrawn and quiet, at other times I was a little better at being myself. Over winter break I came out to one of my best friends, since I was in such a deep depression. He was also close friends with these kids, but took it great. He was supportive, but since then we haven't talked about it much. He acts as if nothing happened too, probably because he has no idea that I am struggling with it, since I am so good at masking that. This time, it was admitting that I'm gay (first time i used the term) and apologizing for burdening him with my problems and for acting weird when he is around. I told him how much I appreciated the friendship and how important it was to me that we didn't lose it.

Once again, no response. He continued to keep it private though, and also continued to act as if nothing happened for the most part. But we were very distant, he would laugh at some things I said and try to act like it was normal, but I was missing that emotional connection I imagined we had. Just the other day, I was finally able to talk to him briefly about the stuff. I told him how depressed I've been and he responded with "What did I do?" I said that he hadn't done anything it was me, and that I was unable to just act like nothing happened like he was. He said "I dont know what you're expecting from me, I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened just like you wanted." We then had the following exchange:

ME: i rlly cared about u as weird as that sounds, and it just hurt to think that u dont give a shit about me
HIM6:56:35 PM): yea it is weird, i assumed you were just friends with me
ME(6:56:41 PM): obv... and i was and i am
HIM (6:57:06 PM): apparently not

I told him that it was seperate and that it he has to believe me. He didnt respond. Our friendship was real, and I really miss it. I dont understand his reaction. I am just very sad and depressed about the situation. It makes it a hell of a lot harder that I have to see him all the time, with his brother acting like we are still the best of buds. I cant distance myself from them, that is not an option at this time because of how they are always around. I am sad that the love I felt was unrequited and imagined. I wonder how someone who acted so close can seem so indifferent about how I'm doing. I'm afraid of being open and out of the closet, I don't want people to look at me differently. I am terrified of telling my parents, but wish I could be truthful to them. Instead I mask it and give them the impression that I am as happy as can be. I don't feel that it's possible for me to be emotionally connected with someone openly gay, especially if I am in the closet. I am not even willing to do anything that might reveal me as gay to the public.

Please realize that most of that was just unadultarated emotions and feelings, and I'm sorry for the length. I decided not to proof read it because I wanted everything out there, even though there is still lots missing. I am just wondering what everyones thoughts are on the situation.

Thanks so much for listening.

 

[hotatlboi]

well I was pretty much like you when I was your age.

I finally realized that, if you can't be who you around your friends, then those friendships are really more superficial than you think.

I'm a bit older now and done with college, and out to most all of my friends.

The ones that weren't going to be cool with it I dropped. I would rather have fewer meaningful friendships than a bunch of superficial ones.

I can understand not telling your parents during college though, if you are still dependent on them and anticipate a negative reaction. You have to take care of yourself first.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry that things are so shitty for you right now. I'm also sorry that things with your friend didn't go the way you wanted.

I'm going to go through your post in a more detailed way in a minute. Right now I want to give you a few quick bits of advice.

I think you need to distance yourself from your friend and seek some counseling. It sounds like you have a lot of difficult things to deal with and no one to rely on for support. You wanted support from your friend and he didn't provide it. Now you need to work on you and take some time for yourself alone so that you can learn to accept yourself for who you are. You're a gay male that doesn't have to put on a happy front all the time. You have flaws and that's okay.

Now on to the comments I made about your post. They are a little harsh, so if you don't feel like you're in a good state of mind, save them for later. I'm trying to be honest with you so that you can become the man you were meant to be.

I am a 21 year old student, and I have known that I am gay since I was about 15-16. I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with it, but eventually just accepted reality (although some confusion still exists). I have always been very outgoing and well liked, and I like to think I have a good heart. I just try to do the right thing.

Do you think being gay is the wrong thing?

Needless to say, I fell in love (with the younger brother). He is everything that represents innocence, always laughing, great sense of humor, a youthful demeanor, seemingly oblivious to anything negative (the real world lol). I was never certain of his sexuality, he never had a girlfriend, and was very flirtatious (just in the way he carried himself, specifically, I percieved, towards me). He gave me signals.

It sounds more like you are infatuated with him. I think there's a difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is intense and can distort your perception of someone. You tend to only see the good and miss the negatives.

You say he gave you signals, but you don't tell us what those were. Can you give some examples?

I decided to write him a long, emotional, not well-thought out email professing my love. I could not bring myself to do it face to face. In the letter, i told him how I loved him and how perfect I thought he was, but most of the letter concentrated on how I was scared to death of what he will think, and was also about asking/begging that he keep it private, no matter his reaction.

You wrote an intense email and then told him that he couldn't tell anyone. So now he has to keep something secret that I'm sure makes things awkward.

I waited and waited for a response, and with none coming, I IM'ed him asking him if he had checked his email, saying that if he hadn't he shouldnt. Well he did, right there, and responded with surprise: lol wtf? (expected) He then said brb. I panicked... started sending him texts begging him not to tell anyone, he was, for the most part, non-responsive. Since I have a habit of worrying, I imagined the worst scenario, and assumed it to be the truth. He didn't tell anyone, but he was very unresponsive, pretty much saying only that he just doesn't want to talk about it. In the few days afterwards, I would say him around (since we did everything together) and it was very awkward. He started to warm up though, giving me signs of acceptance. He was never mean about it, just very private. I couldn't handle unanswered questions. I couldn't help but push it, especially when he would try to act normal around me. He became annoyed. He stopped talking to me, and stopped asking what I was up to, etc.

He was probably freaked out and unsure how to act. It would have been better to give him some space.

Over winter break I came out to one of my best friends, since I was in such a deep depression. He was also close friends with these kids, but took it great. He was supportive, but since then we haven't talked about it much. He acts as if nothing happened too, probably because he has no idea that I am struggling with it, since I am so good at masking that. This time, it was admitting that I'm gay (first time i used the term) and apologizing for burdening him with my problems and for acting weird when he is around. I told him how much I appreciated the friendship and how important it was to me that we didn't lose it.

You need to stop masking your feelings in general. I know it's hard, but I'm sure it puts this guy in an awkward position because you act cool and calm one moment and then apologize and act weird the next moment.

I told him how depressed I've been and he responded with "What did I do?" I said that he hadn't done anything it was me, and that I was unable to just act like nothing happened like he was. He said "I dont know what you're expecting from me, I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened just like you wanted." We then had the following exchange:

ME: i rlly cared about u as weird as that sounds, and it just hurt to think that u dont give a shit about me
HIM6:56:35 PM): yea it is weird, i assumed you were just friends with me
ME(6:56:41 PM): obv... and i was and i am
HIM (6:57:06 PM): apparently not

Clearly he doesn't realize that not telling anyone about it, isn't the same as acting like nothing happened. He also feels the friendship has changed.

I told him that it was seperate and that it he has to believe me. He didnt respond. Our friendship was real, and I really miss it. I dont understand his reaction.

Imagine if you had a friend and you thought it was just a friendship but really he liked you all the time. Imagine that you are straight and not interested. Or it could be that he likes you too and is gay and afraid of the whole situation. Or it could be that he's gay and doesn't like you.

I am just very sad and depressed about the situation. It makes it a hell of a lot harder that I have to see him all the time, with his brother acting like we are still the best of buds. I cant distance myself from them, that is not an option at this time because of how they are always around.

You have to distance yourself from them. For your own mental health.

I am sad that the love I felt was unrequited and imagined. I wonder how someone who acted so close can seem so indifferent about how I'm doing.

You need to give him some space.

I'm afraid of being open and out of the closet, I don't want people to look at me differently. I am terrified of telling my parents, but wish I could be truthful to them. Instead I mask it and give them the impression that I am as happy as can be.

I think you need to start working on accepting yourself for yourself and stop putting on a front.

I don't feel that it's possible for me to be emotionally connected with someone openly gay, especially if I am in the closet. I am not even willing to do anything that might reveal me as gay to the public.

Examine your thoughts and feelings about being gay.

Thanks so much for listening.

You're welcome. I hope you can get some support through a counselor or some other friends.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I so glad you found us and that you posted. It's unfortunate that our society is homophobic and so many of us feel so isolated and scared.

As I read your post and got to the part where you explained that you wrote a message a voice within me was screaming, "I hope he didn't send it. Please tell us you didn't send it." I knew that if you had asked us for advice anyone responding would have advised not to send it.

I have no clue if this still goes on but when I was in jr high some girls would fill up note books writing Mrs _____ __________, their first name and their latest crush's last name. The girls were 11, 12 and 13, so while overly dependent upon a male for happiness, it was acceptable behavior. It would have had a different reaction had they'd been 10 years older and found out by the guy they were fantasizing about. At that age it could be considered stalking, in a sense.

While your thoughts and feelings about your friend make perfect sense to you, they are scary to him, because they were formed independent of him. Your note forces him to think of the past and wonder if you were lusting while he was just hanging out, etc. Developing these feelings over time was normal given the circumstances, but the circumstances were out of whack because you were in the closet.

Those of us who fear coming out the most, are, in my opinion, more suseptable of thinking a buddy has the same feelings as we do. When I fantasized about coming out to my ex-wife I imagined her telling me it was ok because she was a lesbian. She's not, but I wanted her to be to make my coming out easier.

I think you wanted your friend to be gay so as to be able to avoid coming out. That fantasy allows you to avoid the "messiness" between where you are today and where you would like to be someday, in love and in a relationship. Besides coming to terms with the childlike qualities with this type of thinking there are other senarios, one of which I'll illustrate. "I can't hold it in anymore, I'm gay and I'm in love with you." "REALLY? That's wild. I'm gay also, but I could only like you as a friend. I'm sorry, but I'm into daddy tops."

The advice I'd offer is to ask to meet with your friend and if any of what I wrote makes sense to you try to explain it to him. Tell him your scared. Tell him how you confused trust with love. Tell him you understand how he may have been scared after reading your note and that you still wish to be close friends. You understand boundaries and he has nothing to fear. The problem with the closet is that you had no where to go for advice. Tell him you are not ready for anyone else to know. Tell him how relieved you are that it's not a total secret any more.

Now, you may feel some of this makes sense, or you may think I'm a real wacked out ass. Either way I want you to know that I care about you and your isolation. Once you come to terms with homosexuality as the other normal, rather than being flawed, or weird, or damaged, etc. it will be easier for you to be who you are without embarassment or shame.

Come out only when ready, but get yourself ready. You've been walking around with too much of a burden. You deserve better. I care what happens to you. Even if it's just to say hi, feel free to pm me.

 

[Justme1234]

I think you need to distance yourself from your friend and seek some counseling. It sounds like you have a lot of difficult things to deal with and no one to rely on for support. You wanted support from your friend and he didn't provide it. Now you need to work on you and take some time for yourself alone so that you can learn to accept yourself for who you are. You're a gay male that doesn't have to put on a happy front all the time. You have flaws and that's okay.

I actually have been in counseling for about 3 years, in fact he was the first person I came out to. It is helpful, but just not enough... I needed some additional real-life support I guess...

Do you think being gay is the wrong thing?

Not at all, it's not a choice and its really not a big deal. However much of society feels otherwise as I am sure you know.

It sounds more like you are infatuated with him. I think there's a difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation is intense and can distort your perception of someone. You tend to only see the good and miss the negatives.

You say he gave you signals, but you don't tell us what those were. Can you give some examples?

I believe it was love. I really felt close to this person, and he really made me feel that it was two sided. He almost looked up to me in a sense. As far as the signals, most of them occurred early in the relationship but didn't exactly dissipate entirely. There were times where I thought we were literally about to make out. He was just so happy around me all the time, always laughing at everything I said, etc... It's tough to even talk about it given where we stand now.

He was probably freaked out and unsure how to act. It would have been better to give him some space.

I intended to, and tried. Over the course of four months since the initial email I have brought it up only a couple times. But it seemed that he was damn sure ready to never talk about it again, and I just couldn't handle that.

You need to stop masking your feelings in general. I know it's hard, but I'm sure it puts this guy in an awkward position because you act cool and calm one moment and then apologize and act weird the next moment.

Agreed, but I don't want to give people the impression that I am hurting, only to elicit a response intending to help, when I don't want to reveal this to almost anyone. Especially since most of my friends are friends with both of us.

Imagine if you had a friend and you thought it was just a friendship but really he liked you all the time. Imagine that you are straight and not interested. Or it could be that he likes you too and is gay and afraid of the whole situation. Or it could be that he's gay and doesn't like you.

This is one of the things that really eats at me. He never told me he was straight, I just assumed based on his reaction, and displayed that assumption in the second letter I wrote him. It is REALLY sad to think that he could be gay and afraid of the whole situation. That the way I handled this, because of my insecurities, killed any chance of an emotional connection.

You have to distance yourself from them. For your own mental health.

Easier said than done. All 3 of my roommates are also close friends with both of the brothers. And his brother still considers me one of if not his best friend. They are always around, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Examine your thoughts and feelings about being gay.

I just want to be accepted. I value my friendships, even the ones that arent very close. I dont want to lose those either, even if they aren't "real friends" by not accepting me. I dont even know if I believe that. They might simply just not be able to understand or handle it, I try not to fault people for their stereotypes, its just how they were raised.

Thanks again for your thoughtful response.

 

[Justme1234]

Welcome to JUB. I so glad you found us and that you posted. It's unfortunate that our society is homophobic and so many of us feel so isolated and scared.

As I read your post and got to the part where you explained that you wrote a message a voice within me was screaming, "I hope he didn't send it. Please tell us you didn't send it." I knew that if you had asked us for advice anyone responding would have advised not to send it.

I have no clue if this still goes on but when I was in jr high some girls would fill up note books writing Mrs _____ __________, their first name and their latest crush's last name. The girls were 11, 12 and 13, so while overly dependent upon a male for happiness, it was acceptable behavior. It would have had a different reaction had they'd been 10 years older and found out by the guy they were fantasizing about. At that age it could be considered stalking, in a sense.

While your thoughts and feelings about your friend make perfect sense to you, they are scary to him, because they were formed independent of him. Your note forces him to think of the past and wonder if you were lusting while he was just hanging out, etc. Developing these feelings over time was normal given the circumstances, but the circumstances were out of whack because you were in the closet.

Those of us who fear coming out the most, are, in my opinion, more suseptable of thinking a buddy has the same feelings as we do. When I fantasized about coming out to my ex-wife I imagined her telling me it was ok because she was a lesbian. She's not, but I wanted her to be to make my coming out easier.

I think you wanted your friend to be gay so as to be able to avoid coming out. That fantasy allows you to avoid the "messiness" between where you are today and where you would like to be someday, in love and in a relationship. Besides coming to terms with the childlike qualities with this type of thinking there are other senarios, one of which I'll illustrate. "I can't hold it in anymore, I'm gay and I'm in love with you." "REALLY? That's wild. I'm gay also, but I could only like you as a friend. I'm sorry, but I'm into daddy tops."

The advice I'd offer is to ask to meet with your friend and if any of what I wrote makes sense to you try to explain it to him. Tell him your scared. Tell him how you confused trust with love. Tell him you understand how he may have been scared after reading your note and that you still wish to be close friends. You understand boundaries and he has nothing to fear. The problem with the closet is that you had no where to go for advice. Tell him you are not ready for anyone else to know. Tell him how relieved you are that it's not a total secret any more.

Now, you may feel some of this makes sense, or you may think I'm a real wacked out ass. Either way I want you to know that I care about you and your isolation. Once you come to terms with homosexuality as the other normal, rather than being flawed, or weird, or damaged, etc. it will be easier for you to be who you are without embarassment or shame.

Come out only when ready, but get yourself ready. You've been walking around with too much of a burden. You deserve better. I care what happens to you. Even if it's just to say hi, feel free to pm me.

First of all, I definitely don't think your a real wacked out ass, whatever that is ... What you said about your ex-wife definitely resonates... I tend to imagine my situation on some of my friends, almost to the point where I believe it. I do this because I feel it would all make sense for me if I knew someone else personally that was going through the same thing.

I don't feel that I am flawed, weird or damaged. I do feel that others will feel that way.

Finally, I am so confused what to do as far as the brother is concerned. He still considers me a close friend, and I kind of do too. I feel like I need to come out to him and tell him what is going on. I feel bad keeping all this from him, it makes me feel VERY guilty. I also feel bad that his brother has to keep it from him too, because that must be hard for him. I feel its not right to stay close friends with him, I just feel guilty about the whole thing.

Thank you for your caring response.

 

[techie70]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through something so complicated while coming out.

In terms of what you might be able to say to him. The only way you could have developed feelings for him is if the friendship was so strong. That even though he doesn't return the feelings that the friendship could never just disappear for you.

I know it may be hard but acting normal around him will go a long way it getting things back to normal. Continuing to press him can only make him feel odd around you. I know this will not be easy but if you want to at least be able to be friends with him you need to try.

I would not tell his brother just yet. I think that you need to normalize things first. And do not feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself first given what is going on.

I developed some pretty bad crushes on straight guys when I was in the military. I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if I told them. So it took a lot of courage to do what you did.

Hang in there and as others said you are definitely not alone .

 

[Justme1234]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through something so complicated while coming out.

In terms of what you might be able to say to him. The only way you could have developed feelings for him is if the friendship was so strong. That even though he doesn't return the feelings that the friendship could never just disappear for you.

I know it may be hard but acting normal around him will go a long way it getting things back to normal. Continuing to press him can only make him feel odd around you. I know this will not be easy but if you want to at least be able to be friends with him you need to try.

I would not tell his brother just yet. I think that you need to normalize things first. And do not feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself first given what is going on.

I developed some pretty bad crushes on straight guys when I was in the military. I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if I told them. So it took a lot of courage to do what you did.

Hang in there and as others said you are definitely not alone .

Thanks a lot, your support is appreciated. I think I agree, I should hold off on telling his brother and concentrate my efforts on normalizing things... good advice.